|
|
Post by legoman on Apr 16, 2016 0:33:42 GMT -5
Thank you so much for all the replies. I really appreciate it. So weebwb you said you had an exit point, decided to stay and said it was a mistake. But can't you leave now though? A friend told me "this is your out". Is there just much less guilt when the spouse initiated it or are there more legal consequences? To my knowledge there aren't many consequences although I wasn't awate that the spouse can be required to do counseling. Anyway we've tried counseling for my bugs but that didn't work. My spouse just resented me and my statements. I'm pretty sure she had postpartum because of the sudden drop for much worse. We already didn't get along perfectly due to household chores and standards but after she gave birth she totally lost all interest and affection and never gained it back. She talked to her doctor about depression but refused to take Medication so end of story. Regarding the mr nice guy concept I think that won't work in my situation. She's really particular about chores. we talked to some friends who are urging us to stay together and work it out. We haven't totally broken up. Some tell me don't beg her to stay or she'll make your life hell. Others say "I would have left long ago. Here's your chance". I Feel like I haven't left every stone unturned. I'm learning more about her and what makes her tick. If I can just do all chores properly. Some say it will never be good enough. Also I feel like I don't want any more kids. My baby is the highlight of my life. I just want to prolong and spend as much time with her. Always there are certain things about my wife that don't make me 100 per cent content with my child just being around her. Not necessarily a safety issue but thinking of her temper and reasoning, it can be difficult on my child. Part of me feels like I want to "protect my child" not literally from danger but you know what I mean. I want to stay until I can communicate clearly with my child and knowing everything's okay. And lastly I'm hoping for a turnaround in my marriage. If I can win her back and get her to love me again and have some intimacy and affection then maybe I can live with the friction that comes with chores or petty disagreements. Another thing though. I think she may be asexual. Despite no sex for more than a year, it's not like she's looking for any. She doesn't need it. I may not be able to recover from a sexless marriage. But at this pointmy child is the highlight of my life. I've had Several relstionships before getting married, a few so much better than now. I've found happiness in relationships. Right now I've found happiness in my child. The other thing though is this sexless marriage is like a weight on the other side of the weighing scale. As the years go by its going to get heavier. I feel like I'll just be waiting until it tips over in the other direction.
|
|
|
|
Post by legoman on Apr 16, 2016 0:51:11 GMT -5
Just more thoughts. Correction earlier "counseling for months". With regards to he environment my child is living It may be contentious at times but we still remain civil for the most part. We may be able to keep a peaceful home... Maybe just loveless marriage. I'm told kids can see right through it. Part of me still thinks it's better to stay together for the kids sake. My parents have fought all their lives. Part of me is thankful though they stayed together. Just me I would have been devastated had they split up. I feel like my present situation would be miserable... Maybe eat me up alive unless I find ways to still be happy and maybe change my mindset. Getting divorced would surely be miserable in some ways with wounds that may last a lifetime. Sure I may find love but ill miss out on my child. But turning around my sexless marriage will be like going for the gold. The only chance for true happiness. Only thing is I too believe the chances are below 1 per cent.
|
|
|
|
Post by JMX on Apr 16, 2016 7:34:43 GMT -5
Just more thoughts. Correction earlier "counseling for months". With regards to he environment my child is living It may be contentious at times but we still remain civil for the most part. We may be able to keep a peaceful home... Maybe just loveless marriage. I'm told kids can see right through it. Part of me still thinks it's better to stay together for the kids sake. My parents have fought all their lives. Part of me is thankful though they stayed together. Just me I would have been devastated had they split up. I feel like my present situation would be miserable... Maybe eat me up alive unless I find ways to still be happy and maybe change my mindset. Getting divorced would surely be miserable in some ways with wounds that may last a lifetime. Sure I may find love but ill miss out on my child. But turning around my sexless marriage will be like going for the gold. The only chance for true happiness. Only thing is I too believe the chances are below 1 per cent. Unfortunately, I don't think you will be able to turn this around. I am so sorry! It really sucks. Reasoning with your child "later" will be a fool's errand - it sounds like the child is a baby. If you all divorce now, it is likely the effects will be minimal and the baby wouldn't know any differently. Just something to think about. You don't have to miss out on your child - you could push for shared custody. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 16, 2016 8:06:39 GMT -5
I agree with everything that everyone said.
My two cents: I wasted 2 decades trying to
change my husband. In the end sex just
wasn't important to him which meant I was
not important to him. If your wife wants a divorce
then she is giving you a gift and you may not
realize it now but it is a gift. I used to have dreams
he would serve me with divorce papers. I realized
if I wanted a divorce it was up to me. I understand
you don't want the divorce but you can't make
someone stay married to you. A relationship
with no affection is not healthy for the children
to observe either. Find your happiness!!
|
|
|
|
Post by legoman on Apr 16, 2016 8:13:21 GMT -5
Right now it seems like maybe through our friends she's willing to work on it. Can I ask what difference would it have made bballgirl if he
Served you divorce papers versus you decided on it yourself?
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 16, 2016 8:28:26 GMT -5
In my state it made a big difference that I served
him for legal reasons.
Because I served him, I was suing him for divorce
so when it came down to it if he was going to
be unreasonable in terms of how we settled
things and try to drag things out with the attorneys
then he would have had to pay for half of my
attorney fees.
I gave him a fair deal. I was entitled to alimony
for life and chose not to take any alimony.
I don't want anything from him despite the fact
that I was entitled to it. He does pay child support.
That is for the kids. I have a very nice pension
and I basically traded my pension for the alimony.
He would have never seen the money from the
pension though because I told him I won't retire before
he's dead. So I was being honest with him.
If he would have went after my pension I would
have gone after alimony and he'd be paying me
now today in exchange for money he would never
see. I think I was fair and honest. We settled quickly
and now I'm at peace.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Apr 16, 2016 8:37:54 GMT -5
In my state it made a big difference that I served him for legal reasons. Because I served him, I was suing him for divorce so when it came down to it if he was going to be unreasonable in terms of how we settled things and try to drag things out with the attorneys then he would have had to pay for half of my attorney fees. I gave him a fair deal. I was entitled to alimony for life and chose not to take any alimony. I don't want anything from him despite the fact that I was entitled to it. He does pay child support. That is for the kids. I have a very nice pension and I basically traded my pension for the alimony. He would have never seen the money from the pension though because I told him I won't retire before he's dead. So I was being honest with him. If he would have went after my pension I would have gone after alimony and he'd be paying me now today in exchange for money he would never see. I think I was fair and honest. We settled quickly and now I'm at peace. You are a wonderful advice giver, and councilor! It shows your loving, kind, compassionate, spirit! I greatly appreciate it, and so do others! |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 16, 2016 8:49:10 GMT -5
You know Legoman it sounds like
your wife is controlling and not a pleasant
person to live with.
I went back and forth for a few years at the
end and sometimes I wanted to stay and sometimes
go.
My ex was controlling, not easy to live with, it
got so bad my son was begging me to leave
him.
But here i was thinking I could stay and of course
cheat because there was no way in Hell
I was going without sex.
I went through the stay for the kids phase
when they were younger and I admire those
that have the strength to sacrifice themselves
for the sake of the kids. It's not easy for them to
live under two different roofs but I couldn't sacrifice
myself forever. Figure out what you want for
yourself. Communicate to her how she will have
to change and then make an informed decision
for yourself. Also go see an attorney to get educated.
Stop your direct deposit and open up your own bank account. She may have already done this and you don't know. Once you are served you can not change financial
things. If she wants a divorce let her see how divorce
feels financially.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 16, 2016 8:55:27 GMT -5
Thank you GC!! Your kind words mean so
much to me. I really try to be helpful and want
to help people. I'm very passionate about this
SM issue and I realize that there is no cookie
cutter solution. Everyone has a totally unique
situation and what's good for one is not necessarily
good for another. For some getting out in their
30's is better but for others maybe 40's or 50's
and MettaMomma is proof that it's never too late.
Again thanks for the kind words. Hugs!
|
|
|
|
Post by petrushka on Apr 16, 2016 9:16:06 GMT -5
Why can you not respect your wife?
She says she doesn't love you any more.
She says your presence (doing chores or whatever) riles her up.
She says she wants a divorce.
You think you can make her love you again? How? You cannot force another person to have feelings for you. You cannot force thoughts into another person's head, nor can you force emotions into their (metaphorical) heart. That's exactly how we end up in such shitty relationships: one person enters with the premise "if only I can change the other person, everything will be perfect".
Re-arranging your mate is the straight road to hell. And that kind of hope is the arch-enemy.
You are free to do as you see fit. I know one thing: if someone tells ME they don't love me, they want me to fuck off, then I'll not be so stupid to hang around in the hope they'll change their mind about it. Talk about self flagellation ......
|
|
|
|
Post by legoman on Apr 16, 2016 9:39:41 GMT -5
A few days later I said "if you really don't want me anymore, I won't hold you back". Actually since then she's acted much more nicely and its been a few days and it seems like she's willing to work on our relationship. She didn't exactly serve me divorce papers but told me she's had enough and it's a good time to end it. That will be the last time I'll oppose divorce. But ultimately she's free to do it unilaterally.
|
|
|
|
Post by petrushka on Apr 16, 2016 10:01:26 GMT -5
Yeah, she's nicer to you because you said you would not hold her back. She's relieved you're not going to make life troublesome.
It does not mean that she wants you to come on to her again.
She's being nicer, because she feels you've given her a break ...
|
|
|
|
Post by legoman on Apr 16, 2016 10:09:51 GMT -5
I've lived in a sexless marriage for several years. It occurred Immediately after my child was born. My wife lost all Interest in me. Turned into an angry cold depressed mean woman. [...] Just recently my wife asked for a divorce. I begged her not to. She does not love me anymore. What's keeping me is the hope that I can make her love me again. [...] Part of me thinks I should let go and the other just wants to fight for my marriage until it's totally beyond my control. Here's the Cliff's Notes version... Sexless relationships never turnaround - as in, far less than 1% of the time. At best, they will "improve" compared to "awful", but never approach "good". Do not waste your time hoping for something that will not happen; she's doing you a favor by calling time of death. There are many here who tried fruitlessly for more than 20 years. There is but one exception... if it's a medical condition that's undiagnosed. Like, radically out of whack hormones as a result of the pregnancy. But for this to be relevant, she must want to fix the problem and take steps herself to go to the doctor and have detailed blood tests done. Barring this very narrow possibility (and her willingness to take action), do yourself and her a favor and part ways. Yes, it will be rough with kids, but in the end the drama will be less, you and she both have a chance to find someone who will make you happy, and the kids won't grow up with a nasty expectation of marriage. DC Thanks for your response. Do you think there's hope if she's just angry.. The type who harbors anger much longer than others. Angry because I didn't help her enough after she gave birth. What if she's just the unforgiving type? I'm hoping its this rather than her bring asexual which might be hopeless. |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Apr 16, 2016 12:36:35 GMT -5
Thanks for your response. Do you think there's hope if she's just angry.. The type who harbors anger much longer than others. Angry because I didn't help her enough after she gave birth. What if she's just the unforgiving type? I'm hoping its this rather than her bring asexual which might be hopeless. A theme you will find here is that the "why" doesn't matter, only actions. That's the case in assessing your current situation, and also evaluating the prospect of repair. In that context, all that will matter is whether she wants change, and will work for change. If she is not motivated to pursue a fix, it cannot be fixed. Caveat: "why" is relevant in the context of a medical issue, but the path forward is the same. She is the only one who can pursue a fix. The best you can do is be a cheerleader. |
|
|
|
Post by legoman on Apr 18, 2016 23:53:52 GMT -5
Yeah I've heard many times that trying to answer why
Is hopeless and pointless. I've heard that the chances of surviving a sexless marriage are close to nil. It has been incredibly devastating when I think there's absolutely no hope and am told the only solutions are divorce, staying and just putting up with it or just staying and outsourcing. I wonder whether there have been formal studies on this topic, whether there are some situations where a turnaround could be possible and others where there's absolutely no hope. Despite being convinced by all the experiences people in this group and EP say I would like to think there may be a solution in some instances. I've heard and can think of reasons why one would be a refuser:
Asexual
Fallen out of love but staying out of convenience or other benefits
Angry about some spouses actions/faults
Having been abused
Erectile dysfunction
Acquiring an std from affair and not wanting to infect spouse
Homosexual
Unattracted to spouse due to deterioration in looks, hygiene
Having an affair
I'd like to think in some cases the solutions that could create a turnaround and save marriage could be:
Therapy and counseling
Long talks, making frustrations known, explaining why it's unfair, improved communication
Courting and wooing your spouse, dating, giving flowers to rekindle feelings
The refused improving looks by working out, dressing sexy and well, perfume etc
Seeking forgiveness and reconciliation for the past actions of the refused
Refuser seeking treatment for ED or stds
Refuser ending affair
Couple strengthening religion, talks with priest, rabbi etc
Could some of these solutions work in some cases? How about the say .1 per cent of cases where a turnaround and healthy marriage was achieved.
While good coping mechanisms are:
Exercise
Hobbies
Keeping busy
Workaholic
Improving social life away from spouse
Bad coping mechanisms:
Alcohol
Drugs
Other coping mechanisms:
Outsourcing
As much as I want to be realistic and not be further destroyed by hope I'm trying to convince myself that divorce is not the only real solution
|
|
