Lost and confused

She sounds like a horrible, miserable person.  Why would you want to stay with her?  I know you made a commitment, but she obviously does not care about you or the commitment.  I applaud you for your stamina, but I don't know if this is good for you.

Oh boy here we go with "The Vows." If you think a vow you took when you were 20 years old requires you to spend the rest of your life in misery, very well. There's not much anyone can say to help you. It's more understandable to be worried about your kid, but you may be doing him or her more harm than good by teaching that it is normal to stay in toxic relationships.

I think you're just not ready to face the fact that this is hopeless. You will in time. Then you'll have to make The Decision; Ashley Madison, Dewey Cheatham and Howe, or life in the monastery also known as your house. As with The Vows, your choice.

This situation is unhealthy for you and your kid. The only way a marriage can work is if you have both parties trying to make it work. You cannot do it by yourself. It sounds like her heart has left the marriage long ago, and at this point it would be best to let her go. She is not bringing you any happiness whatsoever, maybe it is time for you to find some happiness of your own. Share a life with someone who wants to share it with you, not someone who makes you miserable.

Growing up, your kid will and sees the divide between you two. That isn't good for them either. Divorce is hard yes, but having parents that have hate or resentment in the same household is harder, and is damaging.

So you're saying "maybe"?


That is spot on and right to the point.

mountainrunner is right, I stayed thinking "if I just did this" or "once that problem is removed" and "I'm sure it's just a dry spot" and then inertia grabbed me. I once have an "exit spot" and chose to stay. Mistake.

She is also correct in thinking about the example set for the kids. 

It can be explained to them that marriage is supposed to be a wonderful partnership but sometimes it doesn't work and it's NOT their fault that it doesn't. Teach them not to settle for situations and relationships that they do not enjoy.

Well, there's a bit of a double edged sword here on your particular situation, and that is the fact that she is the one that wants the divorce. There's positive and negatives to that. The positive is that you at least do not have to go through the agonizing decision making that some of us do when we are the ones that are trying to extract ourselves from a situation that our partner is completely and utterly happy with. I know that probably doesn't help much to soften the blow, but I am trying to point out at least some positives for you. Another positive is that you won't have to live with the guilt of ending the marriage. If it ends up being a divorce, you can hold your head high in knowing that you weren't the one to pull the plug and that you did everything you could to try and save the marriage. The negative part of her being the one that wants to leave is that you have little to no leverage on getting sex back on track. The only thing some of us have at our disposal is the threat of divorce. It can sometimes be the only thing that those in a sexless marriage have to use towards forcing their partner to do something. In your case, she's the one that wants out. So, unfortunately, tips such as getting her hormone levels checked may not work in your favor. You have nothing to lose at this point though, so I'd say you should absolutely try it and see.

Are you a US citizen? If so, some states give you, the one that is to be served divorce papers, the legal right to insist on counseling. She will be legally bound to go if such a right exists in your state. She can go there and just sit with her arms and legs crossed as she scowls at the floor the whole time, but she will be forced to go none-the-less. I'm not sure how that would pan out for you. Maybe getting her in front of a third party will help her talk to you about her reasons for wanting out. Maybe it would give you a glimmer of hope to get her to change her mind.

If nothing else, getting her to go to a counselor may at least give you piece of mind. I imagine that it's possible that you may be beating yourself up over this happening. Thing is, it may not be your fault. She may have gone through the exact same thing with ANY man. It's quite possible that she simply fell out of love with you. It's possible that she just has a low threshold in regards to boredom in relationships. Some people are just not fit to settle down for the long haul. On the other hand, it's quite possible that you have contributed to things coming to this junction. It's a tough pill to swallow, but it's what I am going through right now. It's tough to look in the mirror and acknowledge things that you may have done or not done to help lead the way to this situation. Going to a counselor may help you at least get some information from her. If anything, I would approach it with the mindset that you just want sincere and genuine feedback from her so you can better yourself. I believe you deserve honest answers from her regardless of what the real reason is. Additionally, if there are things that you can improve on (and ALL of us have such things) then pinpointing them and working on them will help you avoid getting right back into the same relationship the next time.

By the way, I don't think doing chores "wrong" is even remotely close to a good reason. The fact that you do chores at all should be appreciated. Not that I think us men are above that or that I feel it's meant for women, but some guys DO have that attitude ... and you clearly do not. So, she should at least feel appreciative that you are willing to pull your own weight, and in my opinion, she should give you the freedom to do chores the way you find fit. At any rate, I suspect she's putting up some smoke screen of sorts and that's not fair to you. You should know the real reasons, whether it be that she just doesn't love you anymore or she just doesn't want to be married anymore or she found someone new.

As for you child, well you can still be a good father that is involved and be divorced. It sounds like you are involved already. Make sure that you don't slack right now at all in your fathering duties. As long as you are being involved and are not doing anything to raise eyebrows, you probably will have a good shot at getting 50/50 custody if that is what you desire. I know it's not ideal and you mentioned wanting to see your child everyday, but if you can live nearby, you still may be able to get at least an hour a day if your wife is reasonable. At any rate, it would be a good time to make sure people know that you are involved. Drop off at daycare if you can. Get to know the staff at daycare. Take your child on playdates. Don't miss parent teacher conferences or doctors appointments. Make sure that you are at least seen in public or at events by people that can vouch for you as being an involved father. This stuff will pay off if you end up going to court and need to rely on witnesses to prove that you are involved.

Hopefully your wife sees the value in you being involved in your child's life. I believe that most mothers do see this. If it comes to a divorce, then all you can do is the best you can do to make yourself available to your child. You WILL be a pivotal person in your child's life ... no matter WHAT the outcome. The good news is that YOU can choose HOW you are able to be a postiive influence for your child given your less than ideal situation.

One more thought. You sound like a nice guy. Have you ever told your wife to basically go to hell about the chore thing? Have you ever just stood up to her? You don't have to be a dick about it, but even just letting her know in a firm way that you will do the chores as you see fit and that you expect to be treated with more respect. It could go a long way if you've never tried it. I have searched far and wide for advice on turning around my marriage and one thing people keep telling me is to read this book called "No More Mr.Nice Guy". I read it and found some value in it. It may be beneficial to you. Some women just seem to constantly need to test their men for their strength and if they can overpower them, they lose respect and attractiveness to them. It sucks, but sadly, it seems to be true at times. I personally think that the "No More Mr.Nice Guy" book is potentially dangerous for guys in marriages that aren't on the brink, but in your case, it couldn't hurt. I feel as though the book and the attitudes inside are the hail mary of approaches. Maybe your wife finds you to be too nice or accommodating? Maybe she wants you to take charge more and / or stand up to her more? She may not even consciously think these things either. It could be the reason for the lack of desire and the loss of feelings for you. It couldn't hurt. What have you got to lose?

I know that my wife finally started to give me the respect I deserved when I just stopped caring about the outcome of my marriage. Ironically, the thought "I can't lose her" that was going around in my mind was causing me to be TOO cautious in my marriage and TOO nice and TOO self sacrificing. Once I finally and honestly didn't give two shits about my marriage, it magically got better. Go figure, right? It was like she sensed that I was not longer some sad pathetic creature that depended on her anymore and was willing to bend over backwards for her. I was 100% ready to be an independent man out on my own. I realized that I didn't need her and her crap. I finally woke up and said "she's not worth the effort". Once that sunk in ... I mean REALLY sunk in .. and I started to just not let things like her anger scare me, I started to just do things to make myself happy and fulfilled and said "the hell to her and making her happy". I started talking back more. I wasn't scared anymore. I'm still not. It hasn't truly fixed my sexlessness. It only got me duty sex at best, but it's sex. I still truly believe that my root cause for the sexlessness is deep rooted in her and doesn't have a ton to do with me. Regardless of the sex though, I'm at least treated a bit better. I'm still unhappy with the marriage and I'm finding out why after being in therapy and reading a lot and learning about her past and my past and how they caused us to link together. I'm bettering myself though in the process.

Anyway, thing is, the "No More Mr.Nice Guy" approach may turn things around for you if you try it. It may not. The author even says in the book "The methods in this book will either save your marriage or ruin it". So, it truly is a hail mary of sorts. You very well may be in that hail mary situation right now anyway. You may be shocked at how she reacts if you say "go ahead and leave, I don't care" ... and MEAN it. She may hesitate. She may test that attitude. That is why the trick is that you have to OWN it. You have to truly believe that you will be better off without her. ...or at the very least, just fine without her. ...and you WILL be just fine without her. You truly will. Believe it! You may not be at that point yet in your emotions and thought process, but if you are able to get yourself there mentally and emotionally, it may help. Try to think of all the available women out there waiting for you if you are free. Think of finally having the ability to go have sex with other women. Think of your ability to have your own place with no one telling you how to take care of things and micromanage you. Think of the freedom. Think of all of the positives there are to divorce and it may not scare you so much. ...and ironically, once you realize that you don't care if you are married anymore, your marriage may magically get better. ...it's worth a shot. It worked for me a bit.

Anyway, please stick around and keep us up to date. There's a lot of great people here with lots of wisdom to share. The more the merrier. It's always a bittersweet welcome when people join us though. I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with all of this. I truly hope that you are able to turn it all around.

*takes bow* ...why thank you!