|
|
Post by Dan on Oct 18, 2016 7:35:34 GMT -5
Just curious what people's take is on this: what kind of checks to you do on a potential new boyfriend/girlfriend? Such as...
Internet snooping based on name/email/phone #?
An actual criminal background check?
Ask about prior partners, or ask for an STD check?
Ask about financial status (debts), or ask for a credit report?
Other kinds of checks?
Just wondering if you have or could see yourself doing such things, or if you know if anyone who has.
In either case, did it ever turn up anything sufficiently disparaging that one of the parties called it off?
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Oct 18, 2016 9:46:39 GMT -5
I will google their name, ask to see their drivers license, run their tag (I have an in with a cop), search on FB also helps to verify the picture of who they are.
Two weeks ago I met a man for coffee. Chemistry and attraction was there.
A few days later we planned for him to come over. He was bringing a condom.
I asked for his first and last name. He gave it to me.
I immediately searched him up and was coming up empty.
Well he sent me an email and my phone is very smart, it comes up with a different last name than he gave me. I google that name and there's his picture. My bullshit, married man radar is spiking.
So I text him and ask why the last name in the email is different than the last name he gave me. He gave me a bullshit excuse. So I text him the following:
"You need to take a picture of your license and send it to me. If it has the name you gave me then you should prepare yourself for the best sex you've ever had. If it has the name from the email then you could go fuck yourself".
He responds with - I shouldn't come over and neither of them is my last name. Which I know is a lie as well. Turns out he is a married man, in a SM, married to a Chinese woman waiting on paperwork to become a citizen.
I told him we can be friends but he needs to work his shit out before I would see him again.
So then my FWB came over that evening and I told him he could leave marks, the other guy wasn't coming over.
So yes I check them out but most dates go nowhere.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2016 12:25:49 GMT -5
I Google, and ask questions.
Remember the guy I briefly dated in Sept., and worried about whether I should end it?
I had so much trouble just getting basic information out of him. Like his last name and the company where he worked.
That was one of the things that made me nervous about him. For me, it's usually very easy to get people talking. They tell me all kinds of things. So, getting basic info out of this guy was like pulling teeth - and that's a very unfamiliar situation for me, and it tripped my red-flag sensors.
He might have been a perfectly OK guy; I guess I'll never know, now. (After I told him the whole thing was moving too fast for my comfort, he didn't contact me again.)
I've got enough stress in my life already, without the stress of trying to override my own "not so fast" signals, in order to keep a man around.
It may be true that I'm too slow. But at this point, I don't think I've got a big enough sample size to decide if that's true.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Oct 18, 2016 12:37:14 GMT -5
That's going to be a huge comfort after the divorce is final, and the dust settles. There will be no dis-honesty, no hiding. As others have told me, " your too honest, you would be a terrible liar".
The other side of that coin is how aggressive/controlling/take charge will I be in making sure I receive enough valid, honest information to put my trust in another?
|
|
|
|
Post by 3000more on Oct 18, 2016 15:25:46 GMT -5
I Google, and ask questions. Remember the guy I briefly dated in Sept., and worried about whether I should end it? I had so much trouble just getting basic information out of him. Like his last name and the company where he worked. That was one of the things that made me nervous about him. For me, it's usually very easy to get people talking. They tell me all kinds of things. So, getting basic info out of this guy was like pulling teeth - and that's a very unfamiliar situation for me, and it tripped my red-flag sensors. He might have been a perfectly OK guy; I guess I'll never know, now. (After I told him the whole thing was moving too fast for my comfort, he didn't contact me again.) I've got enough stress in my life already, without the stress of trying to override my own "not so fast" signals, in order to keep a man around. It may be true that I'm too slow. But at this point, I don't think I've got a big enough sample size to decide if that's true. |
|
|
|
Post by 3000more on Oct 18, 2016 15:28:05 GMT -5
I'd like to give you a big enough sample, Smartkat. 🎉😂😂😂😂
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2016 15:41:23 GMT -5
I Google, and ask questions. Remember the guy I briefly dated in Sept., and worried about whether I should end it? I had so much trouble just getting basic information out of him. Like his last name and the company where he worked. That was one of the things that made me nervous about him. For me, it's usually very easy to get people talking. They tell me all kinds of things. So, getting basic info out of this guy was like pulling teeth - and that's a very unfamiliar situation for me, and it tripped my red-flag sensors. He might have been a perfectly OK guy; I guess I'll never know, now. (After I told him the whole thing was moving too fast for my comfort, he didn't contact me again.) I've got enough stress in my life already, without the stress of trying to override my own "not so fast" signals, in order to keep a man around. It may be true that I'm too slow. But at this point, I don't think I've got a big enough sample size to decide if that's true. Hell if someone won't give you basic demographic information to check out, forget it. They could be anyone. They could be on the run from the Mafia. My one then done girl, we corresponded for months before meeting, and it just never occurred to me to ask her last name because our first meeting was just going to be lunch. Well we ended up eating each other for lunch, and we both ended up thinking oh shit afterwards and after a few phone calls she disappeared and I never heard from her again. No I'm not on the run from the Mafia. But the point is you never know, especially when you're starving, what's going to happen, so it's safer to confirm their identity beforehand even if it's ostensibly just a coffee date. |
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Oct 18, 2016 16:37:20 GMT -5
Dan, I would not go to such lengths. I rely on my intuition (I should have been a cop) because it's finely honed for BS and deceit. It also helps that I guard my heart and body very well. No one is getting close to any until I've known them at least several months with no red flags.
It's hard for me to fall in love, so I'm not worried about that with someone new. I've been on my own for a very long time without love, affection, touch and sex, (even in the marriage) and I'm still here. If I can go 27-years, I can go months or longer with someone new. My self respect is my top priority. If he's good enough for me, he'll wait. If not, then I've lost nothing.
I may check his FB and other social media sites, but that's about it.
|
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Oct 18, 2016 16:44:31 GMT -5
I Google, and ask questions. Remember the guy I briefly dated in Sept., and worried about whether I should end it? I had so much trouble just getting basic information out of him. Like his last name and the company where he worked. That was one of the things that made me nervous about him. For me, it's usually very easy to get people talking. They tell me all kinds of things. So, getting basic info out of this guy was like pulling teeth - and that's a very unfamiliar situation for me, and it tripped my red-flag sensors. He might have been a perfectly OK guy; I guess I'll never know, now. (After I told him the whole thing was moving too fast for my comfort, he didn't contact me again.) I've got enough stress in my life already, without the stress of trying to override my own "not so fast" signals, in order to keep a man around. It may be true that I'm too slow. But at this point, I don't think I've got a big enough sample size to decide if that's true. Hell if someone won't give you basic demographic information to check out, forget it. They could be anyone. They could be on the run from the Mafia. My one then done girl, we corresponded for months before meeting, and it just never occurred to me to ask her last name because our first meeting was just going to be lunch. Well we ended up eating each other for lunch, and we both ended up thinking oh shit afterwards and after a few phone calls she disappeared and I never heard from her again. No I'm not on the run from the Mafia. But the point is you never know, especially when you're starving, what's going to happen, so it's safer to confirm their identity beforehand even if it's ostensibly just a coffee date. There is no way in hell that I'm giving my last name, address and telephone number to a guy I just met. I live in a city that's more like a large town, and it would be easy to find someone. If he can't understand that then, I won't be seeing him again. There are too many crazies out there for me to be sharing my data with a stranger. I'd buy a phone with a phone card to keep in touch. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2016 17:01:14 GMT -5
Hell if someone won't give you basic demographic information to check out, forget it. They could be anyone. They could be on the run from the Mafia. My one then done girl, we corresponded for months before meeting, and it just never occurred to me to ask her last name because our first meeting was just going to be lunch. Well we ended up eating each other for lunch, and we both ended up thinking oh shit afterwards and after a few phone calls she disappeared and I never heard from her again. No I'm not on the run from the Mafia. But the point is you never know, especially when you're starving, what's going to happen, so it's safer to confirm their identity beforehand even if it's ostensibly just a coffee date. There is no way in hell that I'm giving my last name, address and telephone number to a guy I just met. I live in a city that's more like a large town, and it would be easy to find someone. If he can't understand that then, I won't be seeing him again. There are too many crazies out there for me to be sharing my data with a stranger. I'd buy a phone with a phone card to keep in touch. I can see that, yeah, is it safe to divulge anything to someone you never met? Maybe the point to demand and provide information is before you're in a vulnerable position. I was vulnerable in that cheap motel room too. She could have had a gun and the whole thing could have been to rob me. She'd be a lot less likely to do that if I knew who she was. That wasn't very smart. Hell, no one even knew where I was. |
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Oct 18, 2016 17:17:37 GMT -5
There is no way in hell that I'm giving my last name, address and telephone number to a guy I just met. I live in a city that's more like a large town, and it would be easy to find someone. If he can't understand that then, I won't be seeing him again. There are too many crazies out there for me to be sharing my data with a stranger. I'd buy a phone with a phone card to keep in touch. I can see that, yeah, is it safe to divulge anything to someone you never met? Maybe the point to demand and provide information is before you're in a vulnerable position. I was vulnerable in that cheap motel room too. She could have had a gun and the whole thing could have been to rob me. She'd be a lot less likely to do that if I knew who she was. That wasn't very smart. Hell, no one even knew where I was. Phin, if I met someone at a church or other social gathering where I got to know them over time, and we knew the same people, I would share my last name (they'd probably know it anyway) and my number, but someone off a dating site, no, they would have to prove their integrity over the long haul before I shared my data. I think being female makes me feel more at risk, especially after what happened last year with two weird guys who seemed to be stalking me. I don't know them at all, but they frightened the hell out of me. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Oct 18, 2016 18:05:40 GMT -5
I have noted before that back in the day when dating was appropriate, I was pretty rotten at this social skill. So my suggestions in regard to this matter would be worse than useless.
However, I will give you an anecdote about how Ms enna and I found out about each other.
-
I joined EP/ILIASM in Feb 2009.
As I was cruising around, reading stuff, the name "enna30" came up a few times as the writer of comments, most of which struck me as being pretty smart. One posting in particular I was very taken with, so I sent her a PM saying so.
She replied thanking me for my PM and enquiring about the huge bushfires that were raging in my jurisdiction at the time, and I replied.
These initial skirmishes revealed some basic info about where we lived, age, work, marital situation etc.
For my own part, I couldn't be arsed embellishing the truth or telling fibs when we conversed, and played it straight down the line, as you do with friends.
-
Weeks went by with us still seeing each other around EP and exchanging the odd PM about various posts. I started becoming quite impressed with her smarts and looked forward to our exchanges. A friendship developed. enna30 at that point had not shown her hand about her sense of humour, so one time when we were exchanging messages, I worked in to it one of my favourite jokes - of a highly distasteful politically incorrect theme - to see how she would react.
She thought the gag was very funny and responded with a joke of her own.
-
By this time, I had formed a mental picture of enna30, what she sounded like, what she looked like (all turned out to be totally wrong later !!!) and we also began to email each other independent of the EP site. (she was using a 'throwaway' email add, I was using my one and only email add). She sent me a photo (nothing like what I had been imagining).
I sent her a photo of me, and she responded saying I was a good looking bloke. That added more info to the situation and revealed that she obviously had vision problems !!
-
By now, I was feeling a lot more attracted to her than "a friend", but I kept that to myself. Unbeknown to me at that time, she was similarly afflicted. But the tyranny of distance, the fact that we were still both married at that time said to me that this was going no-where, and never would, so it would be best to keep it at a friends level.
-
She asked me for my phone number. I dithered about for a couple of days, rather unsure of how smart a move this might be, then sent it to her. We spoke for the first time shortly after (her voice was nothing like I had imagined either) This would have been about May 2009 as I recollect.
For my part, at about this time I was thinking that when I got out of my ILIASM deal (my exit strategy was to be out by Jan 2010), and "if" I ever had another relationship, that a chick exhibiting qualities like this enna30 woman could be a pretty cool thing "if" there were any chicks like that about in my jurisdiction.
But of course, it wouldn't be this enna30, too far away, already married (but about to get out) etc etc etc.
-
I got an email from her. She put her feelings right out there on the line.
They paralleled what I was feeling at the time too.
-
We thought - "we are going to have to meet, to see if there is a "BING" between us IRL as there is on the net / phone".
So we started working on the logistics, won't bore you with those details.
In August 2009 we met.
That was that. HUGE "bing". Intense connection.
The rest is history.
-
And all this happened when I wasn't looking for another relationship, doubted that I would ever have an opportunity for another relationship, and didn't particularly care if I never had another relationship.
-
Weird shit.
Just blind luck.
-
Possibly, at the core of all this, is the fact that neither of us were in to bullshit, and were not trying to "impress" each other, or running some sort of hidden agenda. We were both in our 50's, had been around the block a few times, and were not looking for a relationship.
We were just being ourselves, and as it turned out, by just being ourselves the chemistry bubbled up into a great mix.
-
-
Addendum.
As you can see, this process started in Feb 2009. We physically met in Aug 2009, we were an item after that.
I would imagine that this sort of timeline would NOT be what most potential "daters" would find acceptable.
|
|
|
|
Post by misssunnybunny on Oct 18, 2016 19:01:14 GMT -5
Some folks manage to get the real deal meeting on EP/online/etc. It is so difficult a line, wanting to be able to trust people but not knowing if they will turn out to be the crazy stalker types. It can happen in real-life meetings, but the chances of meeting a nut job online seems a bit higher, easier to fake a profile.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2016 19:40:48 GMT -5
baza, thank you for sharing your and Enna's story! Inquiring minds want to know! Sometimes what happens with me is that I think men get infatuated with me, I give it a chance, they then change their mind...and then we both feel awkward. (Whether I was really into them or not - it still feels awkward when they go from "into me" to "SK? Meh.") If only they would be friends with me first....they would get to see whatever it is that makes me "not girlfriend material"....there would never be any dating/romantic/sexy possibilities in the first place....and we could just go on being friends. Without that awkward time.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Oct 18, 2016 19:56:55 GMT -5
baza , thank you for sharing your and Enna's story! Inquiring minds want to know! Sometimes what happens with me is that I think men get infatuated with me, I give it a chance, they then change their mind...and then we both feel awkward. (Whether I was really into them or not - it still feels awkward when they go from "into me" to "SK? Meh.") If only they would be friends with me first....they would get to see whatever it is that makes me "not girlfriend material"....there would never be any dating/romantic/sexy possibilities in the first place....and we could just go on being friends. Without that awkward time. I know next to nothing about dating, so pardon my question. What about those guys who say they are so tired of women that want to be taken out for dinner, movies, expensive cruises, and want to have a surface relationship? Sex and intimacy have been dropped from their desires, (whatever the reason) just friends! Isn't that what the men on here fear happening again? (I've had a lifetime of platonic female friends) Where's the line of reassurance that intimacy, sexual desire, and mutual attraction are going to be strong lasting virtues? I feel like I am shooting in the dark here. Perhaps someone can word it better? Always trying to learn, and help the discussion. |
|
