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Post by tamara68 on Apr 12, 2016 2:39:56 GMT -5
I have met someone online. (I won't meet him in real life). And when we got to talk about our respective marriages/ relationships, he told me about his girlfriend. She is too inhibited to enjoy sex. They do have sex but it is clear that she would be happy with very little or nothing.
They are thinking about having children. And I see of course big red flags there. I would like to warn him. What do you think I should say? Or should I not bother?
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Post by unmatched on Apr 12, 2016 2:56:05 GMT -5
If he has time and everything hasn't disappeared already point him at ILIASM on EP and warn him he only has 10 days to read as much as he possibly can. If they have children he is almost guaranteed to be sexless or nearly so within a year or two. If he can live with that then fine, but I would have liked somebody to flag this for me before I did it.
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TheBumble
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 12, 2016 2:57:20 GMT -5
This is assuming you can take the guy at face value. The girl may have a totally different story. If he's sincere, he needs to follow unmatched's advice, sign up, and start asking questions for himself. He is also putting out red flags by being online chatting up other women, imho. They should probably BOTH run.
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Post by tamara68 on Apr 12, 2016 3:47:52 GMT -5
I think he is sincere. But I think you are right about his red flags too. He is clearly missing something. But at the moment he thinks he will have to live with it and he thinks that a bit of chatting will be enough to fill the void.
I will point him to EP but I have the impression his English might be not good enough.
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Post by tamara68 on Apr 12, 2016 3:49:57 GMT -5
If he has time and everything hasn't disappeared already point him at ILIASM on EP and warn him he only has 10 days to read as much as he possibly can. If they have children he is almost guaranteed to be sexless or nearly so within a year or two. If he can live with that then fine, but I would have liked somebody to flag this for me before I did it. My thought too. But if someone would have warned you, would you have taken the advice? Would you have believed it? I know from myself that I am not very likely to take advice unless it awakens something that I intuitively feel too. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2016 8:15:49 GMT -5
If he has time and everything hasn't disappeared already point him at ILIASM on EP and warn him he only has 10 days to read as much as he possibly can. If they have children he is almost guaranteed to be sexless or nearly so within a year or two. If he can live with that then fine, but I would have liked somebody to flag this for me before I did it. My thought too. But if someone would have warned you, would you have taken the advice? Would you have believed it? I know from myself that I am not very likely to take advice unless it awakens something that I intuitively feel too. Honestly, I don't think I would have listened to a warning early on, but I do think it would have lingered in the back of my mind and it might have helped me face things earlier. Or, as you said, it might have awakened some instinct inside me. I would share your story with him (if you have the time and inclination to do so) - for me, it's always more powerful if someone shares their personal experience. |
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 12, 2016 9:39:18 GMT -5
I'm not sure that I would have listened - but it may have slowed me down a bit - BUT when everything started going south (except W) I may have gotten out of the marriage. (There was a point in time that I could have without totally destroying everything)
I stayed I thought (wrongly) It would change.
So I guess what I"m saying is that if you make him/her (goes for women also) That if you are not getting the sex you need, it's unlikely - very unlikely - that it will EVER change.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2016 9:44:31 GMT -5
I knew better and I didn't even listen to myself. I'd warn him and let it go at that.
This sexual inhibitions thing is probably not soluble anyway. He may be perfectly suited to a short, tumultuous, sexless marriage
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2016 12:07:06 GMT -5
If he has time and everything hasn't disappeared already point him at ILIASM on EP and warn him he only has 10 days to read as much as he possibly can. If they have children he is almost guaranteed to be sexless or nearly so within a year or two. If he can live with that then fine, but I would have liked somebody to flag this for me before I did it. My thought too. But if someone would have warned you, would you have taken the advice? Would you have believed it? I know from myself that I am not very likely to take advice unless it awakens something that I intuitively feel too. I think you should at least try. "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." What if this is the time when he's ready? I think it can't hurt. IMHO, you'd be doing a good deed. It's up to him to pick up the lesson and run with it. |
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Post by lwoetin on Apr 12, 2016 12:29:57 GMT -5
Just warn him of probability of joining our fantastic group and if he chooses to proceed with marriage, then I give my blessings for having many children. They are fabulous creatures.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2016 15:46:21 GMT -5
He probably won't listen, but you should tell him to run as fast as he can and never look back.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2016 16:01:26 GMT -5
Just warn him of probability of joining our fantastic group and if he chooses to proceed with marriage, then I give my blessings for having many children. They are fabulous creatures. Are you crazy?! If they have children he could end up being trapped forever! Don't have children unless you are SURE that you won't mind having some kind of relationship with your child's other parent forever. Even after the child is grown up; even if the two of you break up. There will be occasions (graduation, weddings, etc.) when both of you will have to be present and may not be able to avoid each other. Knowingly having children with somebody you are not well matched with is one of the dumbest things you can do. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 12, 2016 16:04:23 GMT -5
Two different thoughts here: 1) if his English is not so good, he could be coming from a different culture, a different upbringing, and different values.
2) how many of us, ( thinking of myself 1992) ever heard of a SM back then. Not something that was openly discussed or accepted, or even recognized as a problem. Today's generation may be more open and aware of it. Look at the deference in divorce numbers.
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 12, 2016 16:31:37 GMT -5
Just warn him of probability of joining our fantastic group and if he chooses to proceed with marriage, then I give my blessings for having many children. They are fabulous creatures. Are you crazy?! If they have children he could end up being trapped forever! Don't have children unless you are SURE that you won't mind having some kind of relationship with your child's other parent forever. Even after the child is grown up; even if the two of you break up. There will be occasions (graduation, weddings, etc.) when both of you will have to be present and may not be able to avoid each other. Knowingly having children with somebody you are not well matched with is one of the dumbest things you can do. Please listen to the woman. She's smart. It's right there in her name.... |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2016 17:01:33 GMT -5
Are you crazy?! If they have children he could end up being trapped forever! Don't have children unless you are SURE that you won't mind having some kind of relationship with your child's other parent forever. Even after the child is grown up; even if the two of you break up. There will be occasions (graduation, weddings, etc.) when both of you will have to be present and may not be able to avoid each other. Knowingly having children with somebody you are not well matched with is one of the dumbest things you can do. Please listen to the woman. She's smart. It's right there in her name.... Awwww....thanks. I needed to hear that today. |
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