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Post by Caris on Sept 18, 2016 18:15:57 GMT -5
Ahhh..impetuous youth. I'm maybe full of it but it just seems to me your post here is a mirror of the sentiment below your avatar. I get a read that you are frustrated because having moved on from your refuser you expected to quickly meet the man of your dreams. If reading here tells us anything it is that those of us who have exited a S/M rarely have the good fortune to make that connection with in a few months of leaving our dysfunctional relationship. There are a couple of exceptions, but that's what they appear to be, exceptions. Think back to your EP days and all the folks who posted about not being ready to date or entertain the idea of a meaningful relationship, even after years of being out. You have been actually dating now for what, maybe 6 months. That's way to short a time frame to have the expectation that you should be settled back into the couple combo fit with a great man that is so simpatico. That would make for a good romance novel, but it's unlikely in real life. For most of us and this may include you, 'patience really is a virtue and everything comes to she who waits'. Thanks. I think I'll take some Benadryl and try to sleep as much as possible through the next year; maybe that will use up the time a bit faster. And, I thought of another thing. Maybe people who only want to be around me when I''m in a good mood are not people who care about me - they just don't want the discomfort of seeing me when I refuse to pretend everything is fine. That would be the equivalent of a person who would cringe if they saw me with no makeup on. Maybe telling the truth about how I really feel is an equivalent to going out without makeup on. If someone finds me unattractive because I would rather have a partner than be on my own - obviously, we are not a good match. I would say, "Buh-bye. If you don't find me attractive, you don't need to be in my life. Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out." I agree, Kat. It's funny because my profile pic on OKStupid is in my dressing gown with just lipstick, and a brush through my hair. Then I have another with make up, but my hair is a mess. I thought to hell with it, they either like me or they don't. What happened is I was at 50% *likes*, then when I wrote about myself it dropped to 33% *likes,* at first, I thought maybe I should change what I said, but then said "no." It sorts the compatible (like looking for a needle in a haystack) with the incompatible (the vast majority), so I left it. If 66% don't find me attractive, ( and many of them are far from attractive), or they don't like what I wrote, then at least I know we are not a match. Whether we find that guy for us or not, the chances are better when we are just ourselves. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2016 8:01:53 GMT -5
You're one of my sheroes on this site @smartkat, because you're such a kickass gal. Trust yourself - I know it sounds "easy" but you're someone who makes the right choices, even when the choices are tough. Surrounding you in warm, loving energy and hugs, sweetie.
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Post by becca on Sept 19, 2016 8:55:16 GMT -5
You're one of my sheroes on this site @smartkat , because you're such a kickass gal. Trust yourself - I know it sounds "easy" but you're someone who makes the right choices, even when the choices are tough. Surrounding you in warm, loving energy and hugs, sweetie. Ditto that! I have been on this forum just a few short weeks and I always love to read @smartkat 's wise remarks. Always spot on! |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2016 11:53:21 GMT -5
Thank you for the compliments, @zumbamami and becca. With the passage of some time - yes, even just a few hours - I've gotten some clarity on the original issue: would I be better off going back to my refuser? And the answer is, "No - not unless there are some MAJOR changes." Specifically, I spoke with him over the weekend. For those who didn't know - about 3 weeks ago, one of the cats we had together died unexpectedly, and this has brought up a lot of old feelings. This past weekend, I was able to tell him some things I needed to tell him. Mainly, that I felt that I had been selfish at times when we were together - always wanting love to be done my way (touch, from the love languages) and not thinking about the fact that maybe he needed love to be done a different way (acts of service.) And I said that I love him (which I do), and that I wish we could be like we used to be. But - before anybody scolds me for this - I have also realized a few things. I seriously doubt whether we will EVER be able to be the way we used to be. My refuser and I are both very susceptible to depression. He has been going through a bad depressive episode for several years now. His depression is not good for me. This is how it feels to me: It feels like he went into a dark cave. For a while, I kept throwing ropes to him, tried to shine lights to him. But he would just go deeper into the cave. And sometimes, when I tossed him a rope, I would feel a strong pull, trying to pull ME into the cave. In the unlikely event that he and I were to get back together, for my sanity, I would have to insist on these things: 1 - We have to live in MY part of the state. I am much better off here, financially and emotionally. For 10 years, he got to say where we were going to live. Now it's my turn. 2 - We both have to take depression seriously and get treatment for it. I do my part. When I don't feel quite right, I go to the doctor, take meds, go to therapy, and try everything else I can think of. He has to do that, too. I can't teeter on the edge of his abyss. His depression can actually put ME at risk. 3 - Sex has to be part of the deal. Keeping in mind that there are so many ways to be sexual without having to worry about PIV. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2016 12:05:11 GMT -5
Thank you for the compliments, @zumbamami and becca. With the passage of some time - yes, even just a few hours - I've gotten some clarity on the original issue: would I be better off going back to my refuser? And the answer is, "No - not unless there are some MAJOR changes." Specifically, I spoke with him over the weekend. For those who didn't know - about 3 weeks ago, one of the cats we had together died unexpectedly, and this has brought up a lot of old feelings. This past weekend, I was able to tell him some things I needed to tell him. Mainly, that I felt that I had been selfish at times when we were together - always wanting love to be done my way (touch, from the love languages) and not thinking about the fact that maybe he needed love to be done a different way (acts of service.) And I said that I love him (which I do), and that I wish we could be like we used to be. But - before anybody scolds me for this - I have also realized a few things. I seriously doubt whether we will EVER be able to be the way we used to be. My refuser and I are both very susceptible to depression. He has been going through a bad depressive episode for several years now. His depression is not good for me. This is how it feels to me: It feels like he went into a dark cave. For a while, I kept throwing ropes to him, tried to shine lights to him. But he would just go deeper into the cave. And sometimes, when I tossed him a rope, I would feel a strong pull, trying to pull ME into the cave. In the unlikely event that he and I were to get back together, for my sanity, I would have to insist on these things: 1 - We have to live in MY part of the state. I am much better off here, financially and emotionally. For 10 years, he got to say where we were going to live. Now it's my turn. 2 - We both have to take depression seriously and get treatment for it. I do my part. When I don't feel quite right, I go to the doctor, take meds, go to therapy, and try everything else I can think of. He has to do that, too. I can't teeter on the edge of his abyss. His depression can actually put ME at risk. 3 - Sex has to be part of the deal. Keeping in mind that there are so many ways to be sexual without having to worry about PIV. Kat how do you know you won't get bait and switched? Sure I'll proactively treat my depression. Sure we'll have a sex life. He didn't do those things before, why would he now? You could insist he get treatment before you try again, and that he moves to your part of the state. Ok then that leaves sex, and you're right back to a refuser and his promises. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2016 12:15:10 GMT -5
@phinheasgage, that is exactly why I feel that I would NOT be better off if I got back together with him.
Like I said - I got some clarity around the whole thing. I know what conditions would have to be met, for that to be even a *possibly* good idea for me. And, realistically, it is very unlikely that the things I need would happen.
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Post by becca on Sept 19, 2016 12:26:11 GMT -5
His depression is not good for me. This is how it feels to me: It feels like he went into a dark cave. For a while, I kept throwing ropes to him, tried to shine lights to him. But he would just go deeper into the cave. And sometimes, when I tossed him a rope, I would feel a strong pull, trying to pull ME into the cave. Thank you, as always, for your honesty and insight. I think a lot of people can relate to the above. Maybe substitute alcoholism (my H) or bipolar disorder or a host of other challenges but the same idea. I just can't help but feel you merit better all the way around. I have no doubt you will always love him but it doesn't seem like he is in a position, at this time, to treasure and love you like you deserve. It may take some time, but I see you meeting someone that truly completes you. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2016 13:12:11 GMT -5
I'm so happy to hear that you're back to your totally organized self @smartkat. You both have a plan that has buy-in from both of you, which is so much further than so many people get. I commend you both for making y'all's mental health a priority.
You're awesome and a rock star. That's all.
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Post by olgana on Sept 19, 2016 13:44:25 GMT -5
Smartkat, people do not change, unless they are truly willing to, and most of the time, an extensive therapy is necessary.
The best prediction for future behaviour is past behaviour.
Take care of yourself, do not look back.
And the best way to move on is, as much as you can, adopt and keep the "no contact" with your ex.
With time, you will feel better.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2016 14:38:40 GMT -5
I'm so happy to hear that you're back to your totally organized self @smartkat. You both have a plan that has buy-in from both of you, which is so much further than so many people get. I commend you both for making y'all's mental health a priority. You're awesome and a rock star. That's all. No, I think you misunderstood. We are NOT getting back together. I figured out what I would need for that to happen. But we have no plans to get back together. |
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Post by pinkjeanie70 on Sept 19, 2016 15:17:16 GMT -5
Kat, I'm sorry to hear about your mom, and I hope she will soon be in recovery and remission from her cancer.
I think it's better to be free of a SM and alone, than in a SM and feeling deeply lonely.
I fell into my post SM relationship quickly; I'm single again. I think I grieved the loss of a good lover more than I did the loss of an unhappy marriage. I made a list of the things I learned from dating my post SM BF. Dating should be fun; whether it's with the same person or multiple (depending on our preference). We've all been through so much already and I think our BS tolerance is on high alert.
I won't settle, and I don't think you will, either.
Hugs.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2016 16:49:39 GMT -5
I'm so happy to hear that you're back to your totally organized self @smartkat. You both have a plan that has buy-in from both of you, which is so much further than so many people get. I commend you both for making y'all's mental health a priority. You're awesome and a rock star. That's all. No, I think you misunderstood. We are NOT getting back together. I figured out what I would need for that to happen. But we have no plans to get back together. My bad for not being more clear (you can tell I haven't been chatting on here for a while). I meant that you are typically a planner, by nature, and your post read as if you were back to planning. NOT getting back together. OOPS. I'm just happy that you're feeling empowered. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2016 16:57:55 GMT -5
Kat, I'm sorry to hear about your mom, and I hope she will soon be in recovery and remission from her cancer. I think it's better to be free of a SM and alone, than in a SM and feeling deeply lonely. I fell into my post SM relationship quickly; I'm single again. I think I grieved the loss of a good lover more than I did the loss of an unhappy marriage. I made a list of the things I learned from dating my post SM BF. Dating should be fun; whether it's with the same person or multiple (depending on our preference). We've all been through so much already and I think our BS tolerance is on high alert. I won't settle, and I don't think you will, either. Hugs. One part of my problem is that I've had a lifetime of my family telling me I'm "too picky." With the result that sometimes, I feel like I don't have a right to have preferences. Or sometimes, I'll be dating a guy, and I just don't feel quite right about it - but I will try to adjust myself to the guy, and keep telling myself to "give him a fair chance." Very recently, I was dating a guy I met on OKCupid. I liked him enough to see him about 5 times, but I felt uncomfortable with him. I did end it, but I went through agonies over it. (The story is around here somewhere.) I'm going to take a brief vacation from dating, until I feel better about everything. My emotions have been crazy lately, and I feel like I need a time-out. |
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Post by itsjustus on Sept 19, 2016 17:07:43 GMT -5
always wanting love to be done my way (touch, from the love languages) and not thinking about the fact that maybe he needed love to be done a different way (acts of service.) His depression is not good for me.......I would feel a strong pull, trying to pull ME into the cave. 2 - We both have to take depression seriously and get treatment for it. I do my part. When I don't feel quite right, I go to the doctor, take meds, go to therapy, and try everything else I can think of. He has to do that, too. I can't teeter on the edge of his abyss. His depression can actually put ME at risk. I love your comments here! Three of them really resonated with me:
I read an article the other day about how different people have different love needs. I happen to be touch AND act's of service... The articles conclusion was 1. Recognize that your and your SO's needs for expressing and receiving love are different. 2. Examine what those needs are....together. And 3. Decide. Decide if the other won't examine them with you, or you find that their needs are too far apart from yours.... Is that a deal breaker? It was for me.
Sometimes in a relationship, one of the spouses starts sinking. Whether it's alcohol addiction, drugs, depression, mental health, or even just "ready to be old"...the other spouse is affected...drug into the vortex right along with the other....it's that spouse that has to decide... Is it a deal breaker? It was for me.
I've had a lot of issues thru the years, both physical health and mental health. But in each case, I sought help. I either recognized the issue, or someone recognized it for me. Regardless, I sought out answers. For the sake of myself and the sake of any of my relationships. Even when it was a 'un-healthy" relationship, I sought answers. Either thru reading and self-reflection or professional....I looked for answers. My ex wouldn't. No self-reflection. No professional help. It was time to decide...if your SO won't seek help....and stick with it... Is that a deal breaker? It was for me
As always my friend, you can take a bad day of yours....and turn it into a lesson for the rest of us. You are....
One Smartkat!!! 
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Post by itsjustus on Sept 19, 2016 17:10:29 GMT -5
I'm going to take a brief vacation from dating, until I feel better about everything. My emotions have been crazy lately, and I feel like I need a time-out. I hear tell there's an island being made ready for just such time-outs! I hear it's cheap...and well worth it.  |
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