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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 14:50:15 GMT -5
I agree with other people that being honest when you've decided you can't go further is important. I disagree slightly with some people's advice about what the content of the talk should be. I would keep it very short and sweet, the less you say, the less openings they have to get defensive or hurt by your words. Saying the two of you aren't a match I think is enough. I would resist giving any specifics like that the reason is lack of physical attraction. It also gives them less openings to object and possibly try to make you give them another shot if you're a pushover like me.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 14:57:08 GMT -5
@boulderbob (Wingman) said: ----- I am old enough to know now that being older is harder then when I was young, because women are super-picky and just go by your picture on Match or AM, and my good mental "personality" does not show up and get credit. But the mental side is critical for me to meet someone who I really, really like and who I feel really, really likes me. It would help if we had things in common. Don't you think you should seek the that kind of man? ------- Funny you should say that. As a woman my experience is the opposite of what you describe. In real life dating in my 20s, it was almost entirely based on looks and physical attraction at the beginning of a relationship. I have actually thought to myself that I like online dating better than on real life because you can know more about a person's personality before you meet. I am attracted to a much wider range of men physically. I don't doubt some people are still as shallow as they were in their 20's. But not everyone is. I agree @helentishappy but I did not really date in my 20's. I only went out with the one girl I married when I was young, I can honestly say I have only dated (more than one week anyway) my entire life people that I was mentally intrigued by. And I will say the majority of my younger male friends did not have my criteria for dating women. And regarding if you can judge a person's personality through a computer, well their assessment of themselves sometimes differs with reality. There is no substitute for meeting someone in person. Some people are shallow and some are not. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 15:02:38 GMT -5
@boulderbob We agree there is no substitute for in-person dates.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 17:27:59 GMT -5
Yes - this is why I never told any of these men I met that I was "practicing." I did tell them that I was newly dating again after the end of a long relationship. Right now, though, I feel like beating a retreat from the dating scene. I just don't think I can do this. So, dating isn't working well for me. But I don't want to be on my own for the whole entire rest of my life, either. I don't think my refuser is going to make a miraculous recovery and that we could ever be together again the way we used to be. So, what's left for me? I'm honestly hoping that perhaps my lifespan won't be long. Or that I'll hit my head and have no more feelings for the rest of my life - if I do have to live a long life. I did not see this reply @smartkat sorry The advice I would give now would be to take some time and try and make yourself happy. Do things just for yourself, do you travel? Have hobbies that you gave up but could reconnect with? Someone else (either greatcoastal or drycreek) said other people smell when you are desparate for a date and avoid you like the plague. I myself agreed with their post. You need to feel happy about yourself and it will make you more attractive to the opposite sex! Don't get down on yourself, just take your time and get your confidence back. If I was really "desperate" I would be able to force myself to deal with OKC guy. I would really like it if a man I find attractive would find me attractive - without me having to put on an act and pretend to be strong and independent and perfectly happy all the time. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 10, 2016 17:36:41 GMT -5
@boulderbob (Wingman) said: ----- I am old enough to know now that being older is harder then when I was young, because women are super-picky and just go by your picture on Match or AM, and my good mental "personality" does not show up and get credit. But the mental side is critical for me to meet someone who I really, really like and who I feel really, really likes me. It would help if we had things in common. Don't you think you should seek the that kind of man? ------- Funny you should say that. As a woman my experience is the opposite of what you describe. In real life dating in my 20s, it was almost entirely based on looks and physical attraction at the beginning of a relationship. I have actually thought to myself that I like online dating better than on real life because you can know more about a person's personality before you meet. I am attracted to a much wider range of men physically. I don't doubt some people are still as shallow as they were in their 20's. But not everyone is. What site are you on Helen? I have been at POF for roughly a yr. and quite honestly I have meet so many shallow women it's disheartening. I find it difficult to get a good read sometimes when women post the same things about themselves as nearly every other woman. The redundant profile wording used when women talk about themselves makes the old axiom seem true 'that women are all the same ,the good lord just put different faces on them so you can tell them apart'. I really am about done with internet dating, I need a break. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 18:02:29 GMT -5
@boulderbob (Wingman) said: ----- I am old enough to know now that being older is harder then when I was young, because women are super-picky and just go by your picture on Match or AM, and my good mental "personality" does not show up and get credit. But the mental side is critical for me to meet someone who I really, really like and who I feel really, really likes me. It would help if we had things in common. Don't you think you should seek the that kind of man? ------- Funny you should say that. As a woman my experience is the opposite of what you describe. In real life dating in my 20s, it was almost entirely based on looks and physical attraction at the beginning of a relationship. I have actually thought to myself that I like online dating better than on real life because you can know more about a person's personality before you meet. I am attracted to a much wider range of men physically. I don't doubt some people are still as shallow as they were in their 20's. But not everyone is. What site are you on Helen? I have been at POF for roughly a yr. and quite honestly I have meet so many shallow women it's disheartening. I find it difficult to get a good read sometimes when women post the same things about themselves as nearly every other woman. The redundant profile wording used when women talk about themselves makes the old axiom seem true 'that women are all the same ,the good lord just put different faces on them so you can tell them apart'. I really am about done with internet dating, I need a break. Well at the moment I am nowhere, having found previous brief attempts to involve too much pain for no pleasure in return. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 10, 2016 18:06:58 GMT -5
This is old news for you SK from one of my posts back on EP. My 1st few dates were like whisky to a drunk. I over valued everything positive,from the woman's physical attractiveness to our laughing. I quickly convinced myself that every woman I met was as enamored with me as I was with them. Then I had a couple not so good experiences and came to my senses.
Since then I have had a # of conversations where I had to say "we aren't a good match" and it has been said to me. Men get over this sort of response from women pretty quickly. After all as men we have been dealing with women saying No since high school. He will probably shed the bad news like water off a duck's back.
Grantgeek had it right about your not having to be ruthless as you tell him he is in the 'friend zone' and you would like it if he could 'friend zone' you and keep your relationship there. Then it's up to him if he wants a platonic female friendship with you.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 18:25:12 GMT -5
Thank you, worksforme2. That makes me feel better. I like him, but we just are not "it" for each other - at least, I don't think so. And although I wish SOMEBODY would be "it" for me, I know that you can't force these things. In fact, trying to force it usually creates a really bad situation. |
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 11, 2016 3:50:35 GMT -5
@smartkat, been there, done that. And I've mimicked Baz's not so fine moment too. "I really enjoy our time together / chats / outings, and I'd like to see that continue, but I don't see things getting any more serious between us. I'd enjoy continuing to meet socially, but if you don't I'd understand." Personally, I like to deliver a message like this in person, but I suppose it depends on how many dates it's been. 5 or so is probably borderline for me, but that's me. If it was 1-2 dates, I'd probably text something. And... I liked GeekGoddess's advice |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2016 12:22:34 GMT -5
Follow up to the story:
On Sunday, OKC guy texted me to ask if I was feeling better. I said yes, and added that I was at the beach.
He said he was also at the beach (a different one, but nearby) and that he wished he had known - and added "if you wanted company."
I replied that I hadn't planned on going to the beach - just did it on the spur of the moment.
Then he said, No worries, just not sure if you wanted company. I figured I had pushed you too hard.
Then I answered:
"It's true that I'm not ready to go as far sexually and physically as you are ready for."
"But I do like you a lot, and enjoy spending time with you. You are smart, and kind, and funny."
I feel bad now - like I really fucked this up. But is there any good way to say things like this?
I need the man to be willing to go at a pace I'm comfortable with.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2016 12:53:19 GMT -5
Follow up to the story: On Sunday, OKC guy texted me to ask if I was feeling better. I said yes, and added that I was at the beach. He said he was also at the beach (a different one, but nearby) and that he wished he had known - and added "if you wanted company." I replied that I hadn't planned on going to the beach - just did it on the spur of the moment. Then he said, No worries, just not sure if you wanted company. I figured I had pushed you too hard. Then I answered: "It's true that I'm not ready to go as far sexually and physically as you are ready for." "But I do like you a lot, and enjoy spending time with you. You are smart, and kind, and funny." I feel bad now - like I really fucked this up. But is there any good way to say things like this? I need the man to be willing to go at a pace I'm comfortable with. That was perfect. Breakups always suck but they can be made as painless as possible and that's what you did. {{{hugs}}} Ending a relationship sucks for the one who pulls the plug too I know. |
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Post by wewbwb on Sept 12, 2016 12:57:58 GMT -5
Smartkat seriously, if a man wants to be in your life, he will find a way. No excuses, no "it's too hard" no "she isn't ready for me."
As a matter of fact, that goes for friends as well.
If someone truly cares, and thinks you worth it, they will find the way.
They will move at a pace that is comfortable for you and support you no matter what you decide.
So if you feel that you may try again, reach out to him, that will be the true test of his character.
Can he accept what you can give?
Maybe that will change, maybe not.
But he will stay in your life if he really values you.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 12, 2016 14:43:26 GMT -5
Follow up to the story: On Sunday, OKC guy texted me to ask if I was feeling better. I said yes, and added that I was at the beach. He said he was also at the beach (a different one, but nearby) and that he wished he had known - and added "if you wanted company." I replied that I hadn't planned on going to the beach - just did it on the spur of the moment. Then he said, No worries, just not sure if you wanted company. I figured I had pushed you too hard. Then I answered: "It's true that I'm not ready to go as far sexually and physically as you are ready for." "But I do like you a lot, and enjoy spending time with you. You are smart, and kind, and funny." I feel bad now - like I really fucked this up. But is there any good way to say things like this? I need the man to be willing to go at a pace I'm comfortable with. Hmmmm,.....I'm guessing there was a bit more to the conversation but if this was the jest of it I am not sure you really communicated to him what you have communicated to us. The 'not being ready but ', and "I like you a lot" seems ambiguous and open to interpretation. Like if you 2 just date a while longer, you could become comfortable with the idea of sex with him, so the prospect is still there. Perhaps I am a slow learner and maybe he can read between the lines, that you just want to be friends. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 12, 2016 14:57:05 GMT -5
Another thought came to mind as I read the last line of your follow up story. I can remember you wrote in your blog back on EP about why men get 'Friend Zoned' so often. One of the reasons a man would be 'friend zoned' was because he failed to be aggressive enough. They didn't take what was right in front of them or perhaps better stated he should have been confident enough to push through any slight resistance to attain the prize.
With that blog I'm mind I gotta ask, are you perhaps sending a mixed message? Or was that piece of the blog just a bit of frustration with the male species, just for the moment?
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 12, 2016 19:14:30 GMT -5
SK - I don't think you messed it up. Did he answer? Ok - it wasn't Mettamomma clear or blunt but it wasn't brutal either. I thought you said "no sex but still you have lots of positive qualities" - - - I think you did FINE. It's not like you've had a lot of practice breaking up with dates. You did fine, I thought.
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