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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 19:41:21 GMT -5
Thank you, everybody, for the validation.
This man is not a bad person - in fact, he seems like a good person. But I feel physically uncomfortable with him. That matters. Everybody who laughs at the mental picture of a HUGE man and a small woman can just STFU.
And the whole thing is just moving too fast, getting too intense, and I'm feeling overwhelmed.
One thing I know about myself: I tend to be slow in these matters. It's rare that I feel an immediate attraction, or love at first sight. It took me a while to build up feelings for my refuser, and I think that's just the way I am (especially now, in adulthood, as opposed to my teen years.)
So, I do need to tell him that I don't think I can do this.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 10, 2016 10:27:05 GMT -5
@smartkat And as a man, and I don't know if all men agree, but letting me know your situation sometime during the early part of our first meeting would give me some insight as to what you want. Be upfront, I would like it if you said "I am just getting out of a relationship that caused me a lot of distress and suffering. So I am considering these dates as 'practice dates' to get comfortable with both 'men' and the idea of 'dating men' again." I would expect the response of most men at a 1st meeting with a woman to being told that they were just 'practice dates' to hone her dating skills and comfort level for when she had a 'real' date would likely result in the man immediately looking at his watch, saying "wow, look at the time, gotta run, nice meeting you, good bye". |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 10:51:16 GMT -5
I stand corrected.
Don't use the words 'practice date' unless the man is in the same situation as you. (which I was in after my divorce, and thought of my dates as 'practice dates'.) There were some women who felt more comfortable with me because we took the pressure off of it not being a real date.
But whether you call it practice or real it is still a date. Call it what you wish but @smartkat do date and be smart about it.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 11:47:51 GMT -5
I was supposed to go to the beach with the OKC guy today, then have dinner at his place.
I chickened out of totally dumping him. I told him I'm not feeling well.
But - he seemed to be backing off from me a bit, yesterday. So.....
Maybe he's losing interest? Maybe he can sense I'm not really there?
I know you guys are going to tell me to just dump him already and be brutal about it.
The thing is, I'm sorry I can't just hang out with him and talk to him. I like him. He's a good guy.
I just dread the thought of getting physical with him. For me, anyway, our bodies are just not compatible.
It's not his fault he's just not "it" for me. There's nothing wrong with him.
If I totally disliked everything about him, this would be so much easier.
THIS is a big reason why I hate dating so much. Once you have entered more-than-platonic territory, it's so, so hard to go backwards.
Anyway - back to dating: one horrible thing about it that totally sucks: If you meet somebody you really like, but things do not work out romantically/sexually - then you have lost a possible friend. And that HURTS.
It's one more loss, and there have been so many losses.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 11:55:15 GMT -5
I stand corrected. Don't use the words 'practice date' unless the man is in the same situation as you. (which I was in after my divorce, and thought of my dates as 'practice dates'.) There were some women who felt more comfortable with me because we took the pressure off of it not being a real date. But whether you call it practice or real it is still a date. Call it what you wish but @smartkat do date and be smart about it. Yes - this is why I never told any of these men I met that I was "practicing." I did tell them that I was newly dating again after the end of a long relationship. Right now, though, I feel like beating a retreat from the dating scene. I just don't think I can do this. So, dating isn't working well for me. But I don't want to be on my own for the whole entire rest of my life, either. I don't think my refuser is going to make a miraculous recovery and that we could ever be together again the way we used to be. So, what's left for me? I'm honestly hoping that perhaps my lifespan won't be long. Or that I'll hit my head and have no more feelings for the rest of my life - if I do have to live a long life. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 10, 2016 12:06:06 GMT -5
If I were you, and I feel like I'm going to be, I would want a mentor. Someone who has been divorced and been around the local area,and the internet. I would want them to take me by the hand and lead me into these places so we can laugh and encourage each other. Am I crazy for believing, or hoping for such a friendship. Hopefully I am asking others for the both of us?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 12:14:14 GMT -5
If I were you, and I feel like I'm going to be, I would want a mentor. Someone who has been divorced and been around the local area,and the internet. I would want them to take me by the hand and lead me into these places so we can laugh and encourage each other. Am I crazy for believing, or hoping for such a friendship. Hopefully I am asking others for the both of us? You're far from crazy. I would also like to make such a friend. I did have a couple in my outsourcing days, but maybe that's only possible because there's less attachment and feeling of jealousy in an affair? |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 12:16:09 GMT -5
I was supposed to go to the beach with the OKC guy today, then have dinner at his place. I chickened out of totally dumping him. I told him I'm not feeling well. But - he seemed to be backing off from me a bit, yesterday. So..... Maybe he's losing interest? Maybe he can sense I'm not really there? I know you guys are going to tell me to just dump him already and be brutal about it. The thing is, I'm sorry I can't just hang out with him and talk to him. I like him. He's a good guy. I just dread the thought of getting physical with him. For me, anyway, our bodies are just not compatible. It's not his fault he's just not "it" for me. There's nothing wrong with him. If I totally disliked everything about him, this would be so much easier. THIS is a big reason why I hate dating so much. Once you have entered more-than-platonic territory, it's so, so hard to go backwards.
Anyway - back to dating: one horrible thing about it that totally sucks: If you meet somebody you really like, but things do not work out romantically/sexually - then you have lost a possible friend. And that HURTS.
It's one more loss, and there have been so many losses.
Yes, I totally understand. I lost my best friend ever, male or female, because we stepped into a physical relationship. I deeply regret we did not stay platonic. We went through our first divorces and numerous break-ups and supported each other through thick and thin for 18 years. I really hope I can meet another person some day and develop a relationship like that again. Should you not be approaching a relationship looking like that? If the man does not wish to show all his cards before intimacy, are you sure you wish to begin a physical relationship hoping his emotional and intellectual side is your match? If you are super attracted to the guy, get physical, and he turns out to be all wrong, well that is life and you learn and go on. Don't make a mistake by going out with the guy that you know is not what you want just because you like his mind, but he does not charge your battery. Make a mistake by living life. Learn. Love. Laugh. It is all ahead of you! Go for it!  |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 12:33:01 GMT -5
@boulderbob:
"If you are super attracted to the guy, get physical, and he turns out to be all wrong, well that is life and you learn and go on."
And, that was my first husband. The physical and sexual was great. We had sex on the second date. However, I realized (after we were married, unfortunately) that we had absolutely nothing in common mentally.
Chalk it up to my youth - and the fact that people were always telling me I was too picky about men. So, I didn't want to be "too picky" again, and maybe miss out.
@boulderbob:
"Don't make a mistake by going out with the guy that you know is not what you want just because you like his mind, but he does not charge your battery."
Maybe that's what I did with the OKC guy. Except - a lot of times, a man does not instantly charge my battery. Instant physical attraction can happen for me, but I know better than to count on it. So, I may not always KNOW right away that he doesn't charge my battery. I need to see him a few times and gather information before I know.
With my refuser - we got along well mentally and emotionally from the first contact on Match.com. However, I did not get immediately physically attracted to him when we first met IRL. I wasn't UNattracted by him - I just needed to meet with him a few more times, I needed time for him to grow on me. It wasn't instant electricity, but more like a bonfire slowly building up from kindling.
And, I think that kind of unfolding of a relationship is what I'm more comfortable with.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 10, 2016 13:02:57 GMT -5
I don't think you should be brutal. But I do believe that you should be honest. I understand the ploy for today's date. That's fine and isn't what I'm talking about.
I mean - you have to say to him - I really like you and enjoy our conversations. We have had fun together. I don't want to get physical with you - I'm just not feeling it and am pretty convinced I won't. If you still want to meet at a book store (or coffee or whatever), I would love to continue to count you as a friend. And you never know, I may have gal pals I could introduce you to if that's of any interest. But I am really liking your friendship and yet I have to tell you I'm not romantically/sexually inspired and I want to be open & honest about that.
I think by not sharing your truth, that "stringing along" thing is more brutal than finding SOME way to use your words and to communicate what you are thinking/feeling.
Please don't get me wrong - - I am not sure I could go through with this. I am chicken, I am a people-pleaser, I am an attention hound (spotlight grabber; flattery will get you everywhere egotist). But I feel like this is true. I want to be THIS strong before I go getting entangled with dates, but I am not sure if that is how it will be.
(And - - totally not sure if my "I'm not healed enough" thing is really just a delay tactic due to fear, anyway)
{{HUGS, @smartkat}}
It's tough out there!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 13:17:15 GMT -5
@boulderbob : "If you are super attracted to the guy, get physical, and he turns out to be all wrong, well that is life and you learn and go on." And, that was my first husband. The physical and sexual was great. We had sex on the second date. However, I realized (after we were married, unfortunately) that we had absolutely nothing in common mentally. Chalk it up to my youth - and the fact that people were always telling me I was too picky about men. So, I didn't want to be "too picky" again, and maybe miss out. @boulderbob : "Don't make a mistake by going out with the guy that you know is not what you want just because you like his mind, but he does not charge your battery." Maybe that's what I did with the OKC guy. Except - a lot of times, a man does not instantly charge my battery. Instant physical attraction can happen for me, but I know better than to count on it. So, I may not always KNOW right away that he doesn't charge my battery. I need to see him a few times and gather information before I know. With my refuser - we got along well mentally and emotionally from the first contact on Match.com. However, I did not get immediately physically attracted to him when we first met IRL. I wasn't UNattracted by him - I just needed to meet with him a few more times, I needed time for him to grow on me. It wasn't instant electricity, but more like a bonfire slowly building up from kindling. And, I think that kind of unfolding of a relationship is what I'm more comfortable with. @smartkat Excellent! I think you almost answered your own conundrum about men. (there is no definitive right answer) You can know by the second or third date that the physical is there. But 2 or 5 or 10 or 20 or infinity years later, will it be there? My guess is that the physical goes out the door with the mental. I could be wrong, to quote wewbwb, but I don't think so. I know if I am in love with someone I never get tired of making love. I don't believe age is going to affect me at all. Well it will when I get really old! I am old enough to know now that being older is harder then when I was young, because women are super-picky and just go by your picture on Match or AM, and my good mental "personality" does not show up and get credit. But the mental side is critical for me to meet someone who I really, really like and who I feel really, really likes me. It would help if we had things in common. Don't you think you should seek the that kind of man? The mental side also is easier to hide (obviously you can see him but you don't always know what is going through his mind) That is the one you have to get lucky with or work really hard to find the right one. Best. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 13:17:51 GMT -5
Thank you, GeekGoddess. This is hard for me. I like your idea. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 13:29:24 GMT -5
I stand corrected. Don't use the words 'practice date' unless the man is in the same situation as you. (which I was in after my divorce, and thought of my dates as 'practice dates'.) There were some women who felt more comfortable with me because we took the pressure off of it not being a real date. But whether you call it practice or real it is still a date. Call it what you wish but @smartkat do date and be smart about it. Yes - this is why I never told any of these men I met that I was "practicing." I did tell them that I was newly dating again after the end of a long relationship. Right now, though, I feel like beating a retreat from the dating scene. I just don't think I can do this. So, dating isn't working well for me. But I don't want to be on my own for the whole entire rest of my life, either. I don't think my refuser is going to make a miraculous recovery and that we could ever be together again the way we used to be. So, what's left for me? I'm honestly hoping that perhaps my lifespan won't be long. Or that I'll hit my head and have no more feelings for the rest of my life - if I do have to live a long life. I did not see this reply @smartkat sorry The advice I would give now would be to take some time and try and make yourself happy. Do things just for yourself, do you travel? Have hobbies that you gave up but could reconnect with? Someone else (either greatcoastal or drycreek) said other people smell when you are desparate for a date and avoid you like the plague. I myself agreed with their post. You need to feel happy about yourself and it will make you more attractive to the opposite sex! Don't get down on yourself, just take your time and get your confidence back. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 10, 2016 14:00:30 GMT -5
Thank you, GeekGoddess . This is hard for me. I like your idea. I think it would be very hard for me too (which could be why I haven't really jumped into it). I still have a terrible tendency to think of others' opinions before my own. But being completely honest is a form of respect, in all sincerity. And so it really is the kindest thing to do to tell the truth - that you LIKE the conversation but it isn't "hitting you there" so to speak. And - it's going to make me be vulnerable to tell you because I really DON'T want to lose a new friend, but I really don't want to keep your expectations set incorrectly either - - as - I've realized I'm just not feeling it physically with you {or something to that effect} Good luck!!!! Their choices based on the input are NOT a reflection of your worth, @smartkat. YOU deserve someone who is truly just right for you, that inspires you to move your groove thing. Truly - don't listen to those A-holes in your life that think you are "too picky" - - there is no such thing. Particular is a good and smart and self-respecting thing, dangit - and especially after being in an SM, for crying out loud. In the words of the Sweet Potato Queen: Stay particular! |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 14:39:33 GMT -5
@boulderbob (Wingman) said:
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I am old enough to know now that being older is harder then when I was young, because women are super-picky and just go by your picture on Match or AM, and my good mental "personality" does not show up and get credit. But the mental side is critical for me to meet someone who I really, really like and who I feel really, really likes me. It would help if we had things in common. Don't you think you should seek the that kind of man?
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Funny you should say that. As a woman my experience is the opposite of what you describe. In real life dating in my 20s, it was almost entirely based on looks and physical attraction at the beginning of a relationship. I have actually thought to myself that I like online dating better than on real life because you can know more about a person's personality before you meet. I am attracted to a much wider range of men physically.
I don't doubt some people are still as shallow as they were in their 20's. But not everyone is.
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