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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2016 21:41:12 GMT -5
So, you know that I had joined OKStupid, and I had done some practice dating. Mostly it's been guys that I met one time, and the chemistry just wasn't there - no harm, no foul, no need to see each other again. And that is fine - I just wanted to practice the mechanics of dating.
Well, about 2 weeks ago I met this guy on OKC who seemed pretty good - he was VERY smart and we had good conversations online. So, we met IRL, and have gotten together 5 times now.
And, I just don't think we are going to be physically compatible.
I'm certainly not having a refusal problem with him! He is very - shall we say, desirous. To the point where he starts to get amorous every time we have privacy. He is also a LOT bigger than me, to the point where things feel awkward - at least for me.
I feel terrible for wanting to back away from this guy, when my problem before was being refused. Does this mean I'm too picky, or that I only want men who don't want me?
Somehow, I don't think so. Before my refuser let his health problems take over, he wasn't a refuser - he could get kind of grabby with me, and I liked that and responded favorably to it. But when things were good between me and my refuser, it felt totally different than it does with this man. My refuser and I had chemistry; and he isn't a very big man.
So, I liked and wanted physical affection and sex with my refuser - and now I've met someone who does want me, but I don't think I want to go there with him. I don't feel comfortable with him - either physically or emotionally.
I really, deep down inside, don't want to go on with this man. But I'm afraid of hurting his feelings - he has not done anything bad to me; he accepts that no means no. And the other thing is - what if I'm just being too picky? I'm really not that into this guy. But what if nobody else ever comes along? Shouldn't I try to give him a fair chance?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2016 21:46:10 GMT -5
You're not comfortable with him. That's the only justification you need not to go on.
Wanting a sex partner doesn't mean you should have the wrong one.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 7, 2016 21:55:03 GMT -5
@smartkat - I don't think you should "settle" and that is one guiding principle. If you don't want to, feel like, feel comfortable - then I think you owe it to yourself and to him to be honest about that, communicate as gently as possible but do tell him. What's with: what if nobody else comes along? There are 7 billion people on the earth. Do you really think there is only one mismatched gentleman who you ought to "just bang because he's there" - - - not my SmartKat!
(Okay - I totally plead guilty to the mindset at times too. But I remind myself that I don't get to live "my whole future right now" like I would like to.)
I think this is a great practice for another part of dating mechanics - the difficult conversation where I'm afraid I may hurt your feelings but I know I must talk about it and I do deserve to SPEAK MY OWN TRUTH about it.
I don't think you are being overly picky honey. But if you don't feel the chemistry, then it's likely because the chemistry ain't there. You know?
Please, please, please, tell us how this goes.
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Post by obobfla on Sept 7, 2016 22:00:28 GMT -5
@smartkat, I think that five dates is more than a fair chance. Keeping it going will only make it worse. As a man, I would rather be cut loose than led on. You're not into him, and that's ok.
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Post by baza on Sept 7, 2016 22:20:59 GMT -5
I thought long and hard before responding Sister SmartKat - mainly because what I currently know about dating you could write on the back of a stamp.
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But you and I have a history from old EP and here, and we have engaged in some robust discussions, and I feel like I 'know' you.
And, I think you are a highly intuitive person.
I truly think that you'd do well to follow your gut instincts - mainly because your instincts have seemed to be so accurate over the years - even if you haven't always acted on them.
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"Something" is telling you this ain't right.
Trust your gut.
You have a good gut.
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PS - re "picky".
If you are not being "picky" then PLEASE, start to be "picky".
It is usually "not being picky" that dumps us in these shitholes.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2016 22:56:21 GMT -5
@smartkat You have gone to alot of trouble to extricate yourself from the wrong relationship for you. Don't be so willing to put yourself back in another wrong relationship. You don't feel emotionally safe, which to me is the biggest red flag. Is this something that could change (eg. you just don't know him well enough yet?), or is it something about him that just feels off and is likely to be unchangeable? If there's no hope of anything further developing, you wouldn't be doing either of you a kindness by not ending things. You both deserve a partner who is enthusiatic about being with you! If you stayed with him and you weren't really into him, it would show, and he might find himself here in this very group someday wondering why you do not want him. I found this article markmanson.net/fuck-yes and it really resonated with me, maybe this would resonate with you too? A quote from said article: The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them. The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them. Finally, you've barely dipped your toes in the dating pool. Keep going until you find someone you feel emotionally safe with and have chemistry with. I do believe there is such a thing as being overly picky but not settling for a relationship which does not give you those two essential ingredients is not picky, it's smart. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 8, 2016 5:59:41 GMT -5
GREAT article- feel like I "know" this law but needed to hear it again. Enthusiastic consent is what I seek. I've already had my turn with "meh" as a love life response- no more, no more.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 8, 2016 6:33:39 GMT -5
As a man I can emphatically state that I would be much more disappointed and pissed if I was in a relationship with someone and that person allowed me to think things were going where I hoped only to learn later that that person was just going through the motions. Sort of like reset sex lite.
The less time, energy and emotion one has in a relationship the easier it is to end it with fewer recriminations and regrets. No one wants to be strung along while thinking there is some real potential when there really isn't. Just be honest with the guy. That's what I would want and expect. To act otherwise is to be a charlatan and that ain't you.
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Post by Chatter Fox on Sept 8, 2016 7:29:28 GMT -5
I will cast my vote. I believe you have enough data to make a solid choice here. He's just not right for you. I think you need to move on. I can relate soooo deeply with your concerns about hurting his feelings. You're sweet. I like that! I'm sure you can let him down easy though, right? I haven't been in this situation of yours in a long time but I always agonized about rejecting someone. It's tough. It certainly sounds like you absolutely must move on though. All the other posts were able to drive that point home and I'm not sure I have much to add in that regard. Maybe try viewing it as an act of kindness to let him go? It truly will be an act of kindness in the end. You both deserve a good fit. You'll both have that someday. Just not with each other. Sending you strength.  |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 7:34:22 GMT -5
Ah, the uncomfortable side of dating - having to tell some perfectly nice human being that they just don't get your motor running. Everyone has pretty much already said it - if you don't feel it, then you don't feel it and it's time to move on. However, one thing caught my attention - that you don't want to hurt his feelings - and I just kept thinking about how that same urge has caused me so much trouble throughout my life and especially in my relationships. I'm not saying you should be harsh or unkind, but truly, his feelings are his problem. Be polite and kind, but remember that the person whose feelings you should be worrying about is you.
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Post by nyartgal on Sept 8, 2016 12:08:41 GMT -5
Baza took the words right out of my mouth. Trust your instincts and don't settle for meh. EVER!!!
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 8, 2016 12:15:43 GMT -5
I like this one and it made me think of this question.  |
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 8, 2016 13:53:55 GMT -5
I can relate to a lot of what you wrote as I'm on POF and I nicknamed it Plenty of Ass! What struck a cord with me was the fact that you said you don't want to hurt his feelings. I think this personality aspect about a lot of us on the forum is what kept us stuck in a SM. Chemistry is a very tricky thing with so many facets like a diamond and while we may be attracted to a particular person but the way he or she acts, a mannerism, the simplest thing can be a turnoff. As well we can be intimate with someone and you see that they are clueless. There have been men that I dated that I had to tell that I didn't think I was right for them and the first date I went on a man told me he didn't think he was right for me. I appreciated him saying that so I don't waste any time. I would say be honest with the man and upfront so you don't lead him on. Chemistry is so complex and I honestly think I will probably have to date more than a hundred men before I find "the one". I think I am picky but realistic. Personality goes a long way but there also has to be attraction and a man has to persue me if not I lose interest. Here's a link from a story I wrote on EP about my first weekend of dating. Maybe the story or the comments will help. Hugs:) www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/7742557 |
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Post by warmways on Sept 8, 2016 14:14:48 GMT -5
I agree w/everything others have said here. There are a lot of fish in the sea...
its most important to listen to your own voice telling you that it doesn't feel like a great fit. You're going to hurt feelings, it's unavoidable unless you want to constantly conform to everybody (which it doesn't seem like you'd do), but you have to look out for yourself first! (-: that's being responsible, not insensitive or picky.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 15:55:39 GMT -5
Ah, the uncomfortable side of dating - having to tell some perfectly nice human being that they just don't get your motor running. Everyone has pretty much already said it - if you don't feel it, then you don't feel it and it's time to move on. However, one thing caught my attention - that you don't want to hurt his feelings - and I just kept thinking about how that same urge has caused me so much trouble throughout my life and especially in my relationships. I'm not saying you should be harsh or unkind, but truly, his feelings are his problem. Be polite and kind, but remember that the person whose feelings you should be worrying about is you. @smartkat I believe you should take mountainrunners advice here. His feelings are his problem, yours are the priority for you. And as a man, and I don't know if all men agree, but letting me know your situation sometime during the early part of our first meeting would give me some insight as to what you want. Be upfront, I would like it if you said "I am just getting out of a relationship that caused me a lot of distress and suffering. So I am considering these dates as 'practice dates' to get comfortable with both 'men' and the idea of 'dating men' again." |
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