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Post by baza on Sept 12, 2016 4:06:11 GMT -5
I am no expert Sister Caris, but I'd suggest that if you put up a dating profile, and tell the truth, you'll be the only one on the site who is doing so.
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Post by Dan on Sept 12, 2016 11:35:48 GMT -5
At the risk of highjacking this thread, there are a number of women right here on this very site over 50 who very much desire to be sexually active. It really feels like a poke in the eye to read something like this that just basically writes off all women in my age group. @mountainrunner -- I ask you to give worksforme2 a bit of leeway here. I think he was SPECIFICALLY speaking about his personal experience on ONE particular website, in ONE locality, for a SPECIFIC age bracket. PLEASE don't take it as a generalization that was not intended, PLEASE don't take it as a personal poke in the eye! One reason I'm very sensitive to this is the recollection one thread from a few months back where a newcomer to this site also shared his personal opinions about the sex drive of older women, and -- boy -- he was reamed. The thread quickly became a trainwreck, in my opinion. I'm not kidding when I say it is the most embarrassed I've been about ANY thread on this site in the six months of its operation. I'm SURE that different websites attract different types of people. Some "dating sites" are oriented at relationships, others are MUCH more oriented at hooking up... and I'm happy there are both. Just as there are POF ("plenty of fish") out there, I'm sure there are POS ("plenty of sites") on which to look for sex/love/companionship. Any generalization about the entirety of one gender based on interactions on one website would be folly. Fortunately, I don't think anyone is doing that. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2016 12:13:52 GMT -5
At the risk of highjacking this thread, there are a number of women right here on this very site over 50 who very much desire to be sexually active. It really feels like a poke in the eye to read something like this that just basically writes off all women in my age group. @mountainrunner -- I ask you to give worksforme2 a bit of leeway here. I think he was SPECIFICALLY speaking about his personal experience on ONE particular website, in ONE locality, for a SPECIFIC age bracket. PLEASE don't take it as a generalization that was not intended, PLEASE don't take it as a personal poke in the eye! One reason I'm very sensitive to this is the recollection one thread from a few months back where a newcomer to this site also shared his personal opinions about the sex drive of older women, and -- boy -- he was reamed. The thread quickly became a trainwreck, in my opinion. I'm not kidding when I say it is the most embarrassed I've been about ANY thread on this site in the six months of its operation. I'm SURE that different websites attract different types of people. Some "dating sites" are oriented at relationships, others are MUCH more oriented at hooking up... and I'm happy there are both. Just as there are POF ("plenty of fish") out there, I'm sure there are POS ("plenty of sites") on which to look for sex/love/companionship. Any generalization about the entirety of one gender based on interactions on one website would be folly. Fortunately, I don't think anyone is doing that. With all due respect, I disagree. He says: "Most females under 50 will still be sexually active so intimacy and having a physical component in a relationship is still part of the mix." There is no qualification there. It's important that when one group makes a sweeping generalization, the group that is being generalized about is able to respond. Correct me if I'm wrong but you seem to be trying to avoid a hostile environment for menwho make these remarks. If you silence the response to being maligned from women, then the environment is hostile for women. I can see replying to someone in this vein if they've made a personal attack, but this seems like a discussion. |
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Post by ModDharma on Sept 15, 2016 19:55:25 GMT -5
The moderators have discussed this thread at length, in an effort to find the best way to help all our members feel safe, and encourage good online etiquette on the boards.
Every incident of hurt feelings has more than one side. In certain instances, one person is deliberately trying to hurt, offend, or anger the other.
It is a tribute to the character of most ILIASM members that we believe these instances are rare.
We discuss matters here that are hard to talk about anywhere else. Almost all of us are here because we have been deeply hurt, in a very personal way, by someone who we believed loved us.
Our sex lives can be a sensitive topic. More so when we open our hearts and admit on the Internet that we were rejected by a spouse. Most of us have inspected ourselves brutally - our physical appearance, our sexual skills, our personality - and agonized over what is so wrong with us.
So, we hear things said in the world outside of ILIASM, generalizations in society, like, "People lose interest in sex as they get older," or, "Older people have a harder time finding a partner who thinks they're desirable" - and many of us take those generalizations personally.
Now, certainly, generalizations tend to have a grain of truth somewhere. Biology dictates that our bodies change throughout our lives. However, individuals will vary in the ways that their bodies age.
When making a statement about your own personal experiences with potential dates, perhaps it would be best to remember to specify what you mean (i.e., "the women I have met," or, "the men I have dated.")
And when reading a post written by an individual, about their experiences, perhaps it would help to remember that this is ONE person, giving his/her observations and opinions about a small number of people.
We want people to feel free to disagree with each other, and speak up when something doesn't seem right. But we also hope that all of us will try not to assume someone is being deliberately insulting, when they may have honestly intended no offense.
We encourage this thread to return to the main topic of the original post: "What is the dating scene like out there?" Additional discussion about "libido as we age" should become SEPARATE THREADS, possibly in the "Resources" board. Discussion on that topic should, where possible, clearly cite external data and reputable studies on the topic OR clearly mark personal opinions and experience as such.
-- ModDharma, ModHatter, ModCasper
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Post by Admin on Sept 15, 2016 20:01:00 GMT -5
I want to thank the mods who at my request crafted the above statement. It is something I feel the forum has needed for a while. This seemed the opportune time and place to roll it out. If you like it, click its "Like" button. If you want to discuss it, please do so in a thread I have set up for it: Guidance on Discussing Personal Experiences. (Please do not discuss it directly on this thread; as mentioned, please refocus this thread on its original topic: "what's the dating scene like out there?".) I want to emphatically state that the brief "pause" in this thread was not a chastisement of any member. No scolds where given publicly, no scolds were given privately. I want to emphatically state that the above guidance is not directed at any one member or any set of members; it is simply stating the level of patience and consideration I hope all members can achieve as they continue to receive and offer support here. While I have you, I want to publicly thank the moderators for their efforts not only on this minor matter, but for their tireless efforts throughout the forum. They are my angels who keep this forum running; they are our angels. I could not physically manage the forum by myself. I could not emotionally do it by myself. They are here to protect everyone. I feel they are doing a great job, and performing a great service to the ILIASM family. |
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Post by Caris on Sept 16, 2016 11:06:53 GMT -5
So, I'm eventually on the site proper with more matches. When I say matches, it could be. 0% match to a 100% match and it really doesn't mean much.
It's just that when I receive a message with a "hi, you are an attractive woman, I'd like to chat," or "you have beautiful eyes, can we talk," it turns me off right away. These to me are BS lines that I've heard men say over my lifetime, and it totally focuses on the physical. I know the physical is important, but it seems so superficial and just a line.
In case you are thinking I'm inundated with "matches," I'm not. I'm over 60, lost my looks, (I look like a caricature of my former/younger self) and I suppose I'm grateful that anyone would give me a compliment these days. However, just because I'm grateful does not mean I'm desperate. I'm taking everything slowly, very slowly which is my pace that does not overwhelm me. I become overwhelmed very easily these days, probably from the CPTSD. I don't intend to meet anyone until they are willing to get to know me better first, and we've had conversations that create a rapport.
I've waited over 26-years now, so I'm an expert at waiting. I'm also in deep depression to the point...well a very bad point...so at least there is the hope that one day, I might get to be with a man again, even if it's just coffee and holding a hand.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Sept 17, 2016 10:33:04 GMT -5
I think there must be a book out there somewhere about meeting women. I've had this exact scenario play out over and over in the past 5 or so years.
A man will introduce himself to me at the gym. We exchange names and shake hands. We go our separate ways. The next time we say a few words but they don't linger. They may ask me a question, listen to my answer and walk away. Gradually it becomes hugs and longer conversations.
Most of them are single men and back off when they learn that I'm married.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 17, 2016 14:00:33 GMT -5
I think there must be a book out there somewhere about meeting women. I've had this exact scenario play out over and over in the past 5 or so years. A man will introduce himself to me at the gym. We exchange names and shake hands. We go our separate ways. The next time we say a few words but they don't linger. They may ask me a question, listen to my answer and walk away. Gradually it becomes hugs and longer conversations. Most of them are single men and back off when they learn that I'm married. The way I develop relationships, whether they are married or single, is by talking and listening to other women. If there is some interest there the relationship will develop naturally into whatever course it will take.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 17, 2016 14:25:19 GMT -5
I think there must be a book out there somewhere about meeting women. I've had this exact scenario play out over and over in the past 5 or so years. A man will introduce himself to me at the gym. We exchange names and shake hands. We go our separate ways. The next time we say a few words but they don't linger. They may ask me a question, listen to my answer and walk away. Gradually it becomes hugs and longer conversations. Most of them are single men and back off when they learn that I'm married. The way I develop relationships, whether they are married or single, is by talking and listening to other women. If there is some interest there the relationship will develop naturally into whatever course it will take.
I've taken that approach for years, and have women friends,and women platonic friends. However the future (after divorce) may call for a more aggressive of asking for a date. I have a Teflon hat called "even if rejected ,I gave someone a compliment, and its there loss". Just sayin'. |
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Post by jim44444 on Sept 18, 2016 18:15:26 GMT -5
After reading this thread and similar ones on here, SW and EP I am starting to think that an SM may be preferable to dating. At least when the W and I go out I can focus on enjoying the moment because the possibility of sex is so remote that I do not need to give it any thought. Yes I am being a tad bit sarcastic.
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Post by Caris on Sept 18, 2016 18:32:30 GMT -5
After reading this thread and similar ones on here, SW and EP I am starting to think that an SM may be preferable to dating. At least when the W and I go out I can focus on enjoying the moment because the possibility of sex is so remote that I do not need to give it any thought. Yes I am being a tad bit sarcastic. Jim, in retrospect, if my ex was a regular guy who treated me with respect, honesty, and care, then I think I would have stayed. If he showed some tenderness and affection with hugs and touch, I would have stayed because the irony is that my divorce coincided with the end of menopause and diminished libido, so all the sexual frustration I endured for more than 23-years started to subside. However, even though sex is no longer a big issue for me, I think if the right man came along and made me feel desirable and attractive, I'm pretty sure that if he kissed and hugged me, I would want much more. There is no greater aphrodisiac than being desired...something I've not known for over 26-years now. So, I don't blame people for staying, if their spouse is good to them in other ways, and treats them with respect. Unfortunately mine didn't and still doesn't. |
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Post by Dan on Sept 19, 2016 6:38:15 GMT -5
I think there must be a book out there somewhere about meeting women. I've had this exact scenario play out over and over in the past 5 or so years. A man will introduce himself to me at the gym. We exchange names and shake hands. We go our separate ways. The next time we say a few words but they don't linger. They may ask me a question, listen to my answer and walk away. Gradually it becomes hugs and longer conversations. Most of them are single men and back off when they learn that I'm married. I'm just curious: I can't tell by reading this one thing if you are open to dating while still married (and kind of wishing the men would pursue you a bit), or if you feel their backing-off is the socially acceptable response that you expect, respect, and admire. If it is the former: I suggest that soon after you let them know you are married, you need to signal your interest in them and that there is a chance you'd go further. Examples: ask when they will next be at the gym; slip in to the conversation mention that your marriage isn't going very well; ask them if they want to go out for coffee (or a vegan smoothie, or kombucha, whatever healthy people are drinking these days). Without this, most men IMO understand a woman mentioning she is married to be a clear sign that she is saying "I'm off the market". Related: generally men will honor the "guy code" to not pursue another man's wife. So their backing off is a sign of respect toward you and your husband... not a sign that they don't find you attractive and wouldn't take things further if there was mutual interest. (If you want to discuss this further, since this thread is in the "Post SM" board, maybe you should create a similar thread "What is the dating scene like out there when considering outsourcing?" in the "Sexless Marriage Issues" board.) |
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 19, 2016 7:19:39 GMT -5
I think there must be a book out there somewhere about meeting women. I've had this exact scenario play out over and over in the past 5 or so years. A man will introduce himself to me at the gym. We exchange names and shake hands. We go our separate ways. The next time we say a few words but they don't linger. They may ask me a question, listen to my answer and walk away. Gradually it becomes hugs and longer conversations. Most of them are single men and back off when they learn that I'm married. From a gym guy perspective this scenario sounds pretty easy to understand. At EP during several discussions where meeting women at the gym came up a number of ladies stated that they were at the gym to work out and didn't appreciate men trying to hit on them. Perhaps being hot and sweaty wasn't conducive to thinking about romance. The short story was that from a female perspective the gym wasn't the place to look for a hookup. And if she really didn't appreciate the attention she could always say something to the gym management and the guy could have his membership cancelled. But the solution is simple. If you are interested make it obvious. During the conversation take the initiative and ask him if he would like to get together for a cup of coffee or an adult beverage after your workout. Some conversation in a coffee shop or quite booth in a restaurant will allow both of you to decide if you want more. PS.... If you are attracted to a guy and he hasn't gotten the subliminal signals and initiated a conversation then take charge of making it happen. This is pretty old hat but, catch his attention and just wiggle your eyebrows, he'll get the message. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Sept 19, 2016 9:24:20 GMT -5
I think there must be a book out there somewhere about meeting women. I've had this exact scenario play out over and over in the past 5 or so years. A man will introduce himself to me at the gym. We exchange names and shake hands. We go our separate ways. The next time we say a few words but they don't linger. They may ask me a question, listen to my answer and walk away. Gradually it becomes hugs and longer conversations. Most of them are single men and back off when they learn that I'm married. I'm just curious: I can't tell by reading this one thing if you are open to dating while still married (and kind of wishing the men would pursue you a bit), or if you feel their backing-off is the socially acceptable response that you expect, respect, and admire. If it is the former: I suggest that soon after you let them know you are married, you need to signal your interest in them and that there is a chance you'd go further. Examples: ask when they will next be at the gym; slip in to the conversation mention that your marriage isn't going very well; ask them if they want to go out for coffee (or a vegan smoothie, or kombucha, whatever healthy people are drinking these days). Without this, most men IMO understand a woman mentioning she is married to be a clear sign that she is saying "I'm off the market". Related: generally men will honor the "guy code" to not pursue another man's wife. So their backing off is a sign of respect toward you and your husband... not a sign that they don't find you attractive and wouldn't take things further if there was mutual interest. (If you want to discuss this further, since this thread is in the "Post SM" board, maybe you should create a similar thread "What is the dating scene like out there when considering outsourcing?" in the "Sexless Marriage Issues" board.) I was just using this as an example of how I meet men and that it works. I don't pursue them or really encourage them because I am married. Two have been persistent and I call them my crushes. One, a beautiful African man got cancer. I haven't seen him since the day he told me. I fear the worst. The other, well..... he is determined. He's also in a sexless marriage (or so he says) and wants a relationship. We keep asking each other questions. I think his attitude about being sexless is pretty healthy. He will not leave his wife and wants a relationship with someone that is in the same situation. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 19, 2016 9:43:27 GMT -5
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