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Post by Chatter Fox on Sept 7, 2016 15:07:55 GMT -5
I won't lie. It kind of terrifies me. Sometimes I go on an online dating site and see what kind of options there are. Many times I'm pleasantly surprised but I wonder if just reading about available women online would even be a good indicator of what it's really like out there. Part of me feels that it would be better with age and wisdom ... but then part of me worries that it would kind of be a nightmare.
Mostly I worry that I would even be an attractive option to women that I find attractive. It's scary to think that I would let go of my marriage someday only to find that I'm single and sexless rather than married and sexless. At least now, I have no shortage of the friendly companionship I crave. It's just lacking in heart. So in terms of friendship, I'm not lonely but in terms of an intimate loving relationship, I am very lonely. I'm afraid that taking the plunge will result in all encompassing lonliness.
It's like i have one leg right now. The other is completely missing. I have a chance to have 2 legs again someday.. but first I have to take a leap of faith and cut off my remaining leg. Then hope to god that someday I'll meet someone that can provide a relationship that provides me with 2 healthy legs to stand on. It's a gamble and a risk and it's scary as hell.
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 7, 2016 15:32:36 GMT -5
I agree it's a risk. I took that risk. I divorced in January.
I felt like fortune favors the bold and if I didn't risk it then I'd have nothing because my marriage was dead. I guess in a way I had nothing to lose.
I started dating in March and I've gone out with 15-20 different men.
Mostly first dates and no intimacy, just no spark or connection.
Finding sex isn't a problem and I think that goes for the men too, there are plenty of women out there that just want sex but no relationship. It seems like most men on this website just want a hookup.
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Post by baza on Sept 7, 2016 22:10:32 GMT -5
In our common situations, there are two entirely separate issues in play.
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One is a known, that you are in an ILIASM shithole and you are wrestling with the choice of staying or going.
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The other is an unknown (and consequently very frightening), what would life be like if you exercised your choice to leave your ILIASM shithole ?
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But they are separate, stand alone issues.
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The anecdotal evidence I've seen on the old EP group (and here) is that people who leave their ILIASM shitholes don't regret it.
There are cases like Sister Caris who is not wildly happy post ILIASM shithole, but still says it's better than being in an ILIASM shithole.
There are cases like Sister nyartgal who IS wildly happy about her life post ILIASM shithole.
In my 7+ years of involvement I have NEVER seen a story from an ILIASM shithole escapee saying - "getting out was a huge mistake and I'd really like to be back in that ILIASM shithole".
I think I can speak with some knowledge of our common problem, above.
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What I do NOT know, is much about the dating caper, so I'll demur commenting on something I know fuck all about.
To be honest, if I were now single I don't think I could be arsed dating.
I'd be happy just being single.
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In my case, a consequence of getting out of my ILIASM deal led to getting in to the best relationship of my life.
But that was a separate matter entirely to the getting out.
I could just as easily be writing now as a bloke who's been out for 6+ years and not in a relationship.
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But look, if you truly don't think you could cut it in the outside world as a stand alone individual, or you couldn't be arsed with the dating world, then a choice to stay in your ILIASM shithole is a perfectly valid choice to make.
It is however, incumbent on you to OWN that choice.
Not blame it on your spouse or anyone else.
Not bitch about your choice.
Not adopt a victim position.
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It's a choice.
And, we all own our choices and the consequences that ensue from them.
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Post by baza on Sept 7, 2016 23:24:52 GMT -5
Just out of interest, I have compiled a dating profile that would have been applicable to me as of October 2009.
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"Recently separated old bloke.
Binge drinker, smoker, and occasional weed user.
Politically incorrect, huge store of misogynist / racist / homophobic / ageist jokes.
Enjoys sports, motorcycles, getting drunk with mates, having a few laughs.
Lefty political leanings.
Pretty broke at the moment.
Likes sex, but hasn't had a root for several years, not sure if still capable of it.
Unsure of ability to sustain a relationship.
Pretty loyal to my friends.
Devoted parent.
Uneducated, but been round the block a few times.
Not really looking for a relationship, but open to that possibility.
Agnostic, leaning toward atheist"
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I think that had Ms enna read this profile on a dating site, she would have been completely underwhelmed.
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I speculate that her dating profile might have read like this -
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"Old chick, separated.
Work in education and very passionate about job and family.
Well educated, highly qualified.
Moderate drinker, non smoker or partaker of illicit substances.
No interest in sports or motorcycles.
Very empathetic, smart, good communicator.
Devoted parent.
Politically correct, passionate lefty views on society.
Loyal to friends.
Assorted health issues.
Likes sex, currently outsourcing in a FWB situation.
Not looking for a relationship, but wouldn't rule it out"
Atheist. "
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I think if I had read that, I would have been pretty underwhelmed too, and would have scrolled down to the next.
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All in all, a highly improbable match.
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But match it did, and has been going from strength to strength since April 2010.
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The point of this rambling anecdote -
you / me / anyone simply do NOT know what is out there in the future, you never know where or when you might stumble across a treasure. A treasure that you ain't even looking for. A treasure that quite possibly doesn't even look like a treasure initially.
But you can say with some certainty, you are most assuredly NOT going to find any treasure within the constricting bonds of an ILIASM shithole.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2016 23:30:55 GMT -5
I'm confused because your most recent posts prior to this sounded very hopeful. Have you had a big change in relationship status or are you just not sure if there isn't something better out there?
If your marriage is going in a satisfactory direction but you are yearning for excitement, I encourage you to think long and hard about what you would be giving up. If your marriage is a shithole by all means get out but it's not all sunshine and roses on the other side of the fence. I am coming at this from my perspective after leaving my marriage. I have found the things I took for granted (house, companionship, joint dog guardian, good roommate) I really miss. I will not say I regret my decision, I think it had to be done. But there was no hope of sex or intimacy ever in my marriage. He wouldn't even go through the motions of initiating even once. I would regret this situation very much, though, if I thought a satisfactory level of intimacy was possible.
I believe you have a child or children with your wife, yes? Do you really want to be apart from them at least 50% of the time? How do you feel about your wife having a new partner who spends time with your child? No one will love your child like you do and like your wife does. And dating with kids is more complicated than dating without them. A close friend has been dating for 8 years. She has 2 kids, and her first boyfriend had 1 kid, second boyfriend has 2 kids. The relationship is harder because in neither case have both parties seen eye to eye on childraising. In both cases, problems are caused by a difference in parenting philosophy.. She is authoritative in her parenting and her boyfriends have been permissive. Neither party is willing to change, and you can't have this situation without having alot of conflict alot of the time as both parties in the relationship have 50/50 custody, so 50% of the time she sees him, she sees his badly behaved kids too, which kind of ruins any activity they all do together.
She is also someone who can have her pick of dating choices as she is conventionally attractive (skinny and fit, long blond hair, has a good career, athletic, good social skills, etc.), so it's not like she has to settle for what she can get, this is the best anyone can realistically expect to do and it's still hard.
Will your wife be easy going and friendly or will she be nasty and vindictive if you leave? Same friend, for years her ex has been uncooperative and opposed to her in every way.. He still sends her nasty texts after 10 years being divorced and he's remarried. He still hauls her into court for matters relating to their children. He doesn't want to do what's best for the kids, he just wants to win. He's the kind who made the divorce itself hell, dragging things out to make her pay lots of money in lawyers fees, and making himself pay lawyers fees because he wanted to punish her, even if it hurt him and the kids too.
Due to my own experience and my close friend's
experience which she relates to me in great detail, I believe if you can salvage the marriage, that is best, because even if you find a great next relationship, you're going to have a boatload of new problems such as the above. If the relationship is not salvagable, you do what you have to do, and knowing you had no other choice will help you get through the hard times which are ahead.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 8, 2016 7:17:31 GMT -5
What's the dating world like you ask? That's really an open ended question. I think the odds of being successful depends greatly on your age, income, what you bring to the table and what your expectations are. I can give a bit of insight based on roughly 1 yr. at POF casting into a pool of women in the age 60 and up bracket in piedmont NC.
My experience is that women in this age bracket are looking for primarily a platonic companion. Companion(ship} is pretty prevalent in the wording of most women's profiles. Having read hundreds of profiles, talked to a # at a coffee or mixed beverage meetup the subject of intimacy or passion is way down the list of desirable traits in a man. I think a large percentage of women in this age group are on POF because they ae bored and just looking to kill some time. A real relationship isn't something they give much thought to. But maybe the fault lies in me. I'm not really interested in riding around the Caribbean on a really big boat.
If you are say 15 to 20 yrs. younger I would expect your odds to be better. Most females under 50 will still be sexually active so intimacy and having a physical component in a relationship is still part of the mix. And the odds should get better the younger you both are when it comes to intimacy. Of coarse the younger the demographic you are in brings another set of potential complications, children, careers, etc.
The short story is it's a real crapshoot. You could roll seven or come up snake eyes. But it reads to me that the younger you are the better the prospects.
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Post by Chatter Fox on Sept 8, 2016 7:41:46 GMT -5
Thank you, everyone, for the great replies. I'm going to try to respond to all of you but in the near future, but I'm short on time right now.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 7:50:54 GMT -5
Most females under 50 will still be sexually active so intimacy and having a physical component in a relationship is still part of the mix. At the risk of highjacking this thread, there are a number of women right here on this very site over 50 who very much desire to be sexually active. It really feels like a poke in the eye to read something like this that just basically writes off all women in my age group. I could say, based on my experience, that most men in their 50s can't keep up with me. But of course, that is a wild over-generalization. Just like what you wrote above. The danger in that sort of generalization is that you'll just automatically dismiss people in a particular age group or income group or race or whatever - and you might just look right past someone who could bring you a lot of happiness. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 8, 2016 10:17:48 GMT -5
Most females under 50 will still be sexually active so intimacy and having a physical component in a relationship is still part of the mix. At the risk of highjacking this thread, there are a number of women right here on this very site over 50 who very much desire to be sexually active. It really feels like a poke in the eye to read something like this that just basically writes off all women in my age group. I could say, based on my experience, that most men in their 50s can't keep up with me. But of course, that is a wild over-generalization. Just like what you wrote above. The danger in that sort of generalization is that you'll just automatically dismiss people in a particular age group or income group or race or whatever - and you might just look right past someone who could bring you a lot of happiness. I thought I did a better job trying not to make broad generalizations, but I missed that one. I agree with your statement that a # of women at this site over 50 do very much desire to be sexually active as did a # of ladies over 60 at the EP site. But having been on these 2 sites for 2yrs plus now I believe the ladies here do not share much with their sisters in the general population when it comes to a desire for intimacy and sex when speaking of a more mature women. From the studies I've seen involving frequency relating to sexual activity done by universities and various institutes that research sexual behavior in adult humans, the numbers clearly show that once women approach certain age demographics the frequency drops dramatically. This drop seems to be consistent whether the woman is single, divorced, married or widowed. The same statement could be said about men(generally) except that the #'s for frequency for men do not drop quite so precipitously as they do for women. From the studies I have seen men consistently have more sex than women irrespective of the age bracket being reported or their state respective to matrimony, but maybe the men are lying about how well they are doing and maybe the ladies are not counting the ones that were not very meaningful for them. Still I think I will stand by my broad generalization that the more mature a woman the greater the loss in interest she will have in activities of an intimate nature. |
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Post by solodriver on Sept 9, 2016 3:13:20 GMT -5
Most females under 50 will still be sexually active so intimacy and having a physical component in a relationship is still part of the mix. At the risk of highjacking this thread, there are a number of women right here on this very site over 50 who very much desire to be sexually active. It really feels like a poke in the eye to read something like this that just basically writes off all women in my age group. I could say, based on my experience, that most men in their 50s can't keep up with me. But of course, that is a wild over-generalization. Just like what you wrote above. The danger in that sort of generalization is that you'll just automatically dismiss people in a particular age group or income group or race or whatever - and you might just look right past someone who could bring you a lot of happiness. Thank you Mountainrunner for reminding me of that hope which I live for everyday. 
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2016 7:04:22 GMT -5
Just out of interest, I have compiled a dating profile that would have been applicable to me as of October 2009. - "Recently separated old bloke.
Binge drinker, smoker, and occasional weed user.
Politically incorrect, huge store of misogynist / racist / homophobic / ageist jokes.
Enjoys sports, motorcycles, getting drunk with mates, having a few laughs.
Lefty political leanings.
Pretty broke at the moment.
Likes sex, but hasn't had a root for several years, not sure if still capable of it.
Unsure of ability to sustain a relationship.
Pretty loyal to my friends.
Devoted parent.
Uneducated, but been round the block a few times.
Not really looking for a relationship, but open to that possibility.
Agnostic, leaning toward atheist"- I think that had Ms enna read this profile on a dating site, she would have been completely underwhelmed. - I speculate that her dating profile might have read like this - - "Old chick, separated.
Work in education and very passionate about job and family.
Well educated, highly qualified.
Moderate drinker, non smoker or partaker of illicit substances.
No interest in sports or motorcycles.
Very empathetic, smart, good communicator.
Devoted parent.
Politically correct, passionate lefty views on society.
Loyal to friends.
Assorted health issues.
Likes sex, currently outsourcing in a FWB situation.
Not looking for a relationship, but wouldn't rule it out"
Atheist. "- I think if I had read that, I would have been pretty underwhelmed too, and would have scrolled down to the next. - All in all, a highly improbable match. - But match it did, and has been going from strength to strength since April 2010. - The point of this rambling anecdote - you / me / anyone simply do NOT know what is out there in the future, you never know where or when you might stumble across a treasure. A treasure that you ain't even looking for. A treasure that quite possibly doesn't even look like a treasure initially. But you can say with some certainty, you are most assuredly NOT going to find any treasure within the constricting bonds of an ILIASM shithole. Our deals are similar, baza. I found a happy relationship, probably HEA (and at our age we can get a pretty good idea), with someone who, had I seen her profile on a dating site, I would have skipped right on to the next one. You never know on what level you will feel that whoosh with someone, and it's usually at a deeper level than the facts you can write down on paper. Many if not most people from EP ILIASM who found a happy deal found it with another person from EP ILIASM. I think this is very much in part because it was NOT a dating site. From the limited anecdotal evidence I have seen, if I'm ever God forbid looking again, I'd not bother with dating sites. I'd look in places where relationships form more organically out of a social situation, or I might not "look" at all, because relationships are often a surprise. Who knows where I might run across a Christian in a high powered career who hates heavy metal...just the opposite of me, but if she loves sex and is a genuine decent human being who loves non human animals, anything can work. A little leggy would be nice too. |
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Post by olgana on Sept 11, 2016 4:54:40 GMT -5
I agree that the dating scene is scary.
I left my shithole SM 4 years ago and need to move on.
I have started a therapy and I've registered on a dating site. Btw, my therapist said it was a good idea.
I am 47 and still attractive, so I know I could be successful.
But I am terrified.
After a 12 years SM marriage and 4 years on my own, I feel like a virgin.
Presently, I start answering emails but even having a date scares me.
And what to say? Confess my past or hide it?
I suppose that if I meet a healthy caring man, he should be able to understand and be patient with me.
But how do you know who you are dealing with if you are so inexperienced.
I need to lose my inhibitions... But how do you do that?
Sure lots of men (and women) just want a one night-stand, and that could be a solution....But it is not me. It does not fit my background, education....
I keep thinking leaving my SM was the best decision I made.
At least I am free and no roommate is constantly putting my self-esteem down.
But I realise leaving is only the first step of the recovery.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 11, 2016 7:10:28 GMT -5
I agree that the dating scene is scary. I left my shithole SM 4 years ago and need to move on. I have started a therapy and I've registered on a dating site. Btw, my therapist said it was a good idea. I am 47 and still attractive, so I know I could be successful. But I am terrified. After a 12 years SM marriage and 4 years on my own, I feel like a virgin. Presently, I start answering emails but even having a date scares me. And what to say? Confess my past or hide it? I suppose that if I meet a healthy caring man, he should be able to understand and be patient with me. But how do you know who you are dealing with if you are so inexperienced. I need to lose my inhibitions... But how do you do that? Sure lots of men (and women) just want a one night-stand, and that could be a solution....But it is not me. It does not fit my background, education.... I keep thinking leaving my SM was the best decision I made. At least I am free and no roommate is constantly putting my self-esteem down. But I realise leaving is only the first step of the recovery. It doesn't take long for the virgin feeling to go away olgana You are on the right path. Well done 😊Xx |
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 11, 2016 7:33:38 GMT -5
I agree that the dating scene is scary. I left my shithole SM 4 years ago and need to move on. I have started a therapy and I've registered on a dating site. Btw, my therapist said it was a good idea. I am 47 and still attractive, so I know I could be successful. But I am terrified. After a 12 years SM marriage and 4 years on my own, I feel like a virgin. Presently, I start answering emails but even having a date scares me. And what to say? Confess my past or hide it? I suppose that if I meet a healthy caring man, he should be able to understand and be patient with me. But how do you know who you are dealing with if you are so inexperienced. I need to lose my inhibitions... But how do you do that? Sure lots of men (and women) just want a one night-stand, and that could be a solution....But it is not me. It does not fit my background, education.... I keep thinking leaving my SM was the best decision I made. At least I am free and no roommate is constantly putting my self-esteem down. But I realise leaving is only the first step of the recovery. If the prospect of dating terrifies you then my view would be that you are not ready. After leaving my S/M of 5yrs. I waited about 6/7 months before my 1st date even thought I was eager to begin. It's been a real up and down experience and I wouldn't recommend it for the faint hearted. My 1st (and best)relationship was with a woman several yrs. out of a S/M and we bonded instantly when we learned that about each other. She told me at our 1st meeting and after hearing her story I also spoke of my S/M. But I wouldn't recommend talking on that subject unless you really feel comfortable with the other person. It will keep until you know for sure this is a person you want to share that with. If they haven't experienced the trauma associated with a S/M it may be difficult for them to grasp just how much it can affect our views on intimacy and love. I've only shared the info with 1 other person. You are 20 yrs. younger than me so the men in your age demographic are definitely going to be keen on getting your pants off. You won't have to worry much about lack of opportunities. I wish the same could be said about women in my age demographic. There are a couple of ladies here that are also just now climbing back up on the dating horse. You might consider a PM to bballgirl or smartkat to discuss the mechanics of how they approached the 1st date. Just a thought. Good luck |
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Post by Caris on Sept 11, 2016 12:58:16 GMT -5
Just out of interest, I have compiled a dating profile that would have been applicable to me as of October 2009. - "Recently separated old bloke.
Binge drinker, smoker, and occasional weed user.
Politically incorrect, huge store of misogynist / racist / homophobic / ageist jokes.
Enjoys sports, motorcycles, getting drunk with mates, having a few laughs.
Lefty political leanings.
Pretty broke at the moment.
Likes sex, but hasn't had a root for several years, not sure if still capable of it.
Unsure of ability to sustain a relationship.
Pretty loyal to my friends.
Devoted parent.
Uneducated, but been round the block a few times.
Not really looking for a relationship, but open to that possibility.
Agnostic, leaning toward atheist"- I think that had Ms enna read this profile on a dating site, she would have been completely underwhelmed. - I speculate that her dating profile might have read like this - - "Old chick, separated.
Work in education and very passionate about job and family.
Well educated, highly qualified.
Moderate drinker, non smoker or partaker of illicit substances.
No interest in sports or motorcycles.
Very empathetic, smart, good communicator.
Devoted parent.
Politically correct, passionate lefty views on society.
Loyal to friends.
Assorted health issues.
Likes sex, currently outsourcing in a FWB situation.
Not looking for a relationship, but wouldn't rule it out"
Atheist. "- I think if I had read that, I would have been pretty underwhelmed too, and would have scrolled down to the next. - All in all, a highly improbable match. - But match it did, and has been going from strength to strength since April 2010. - The point of this rambling anecdote - you / me / anyone simply do NOT know what is out there in the future, you never know where or when you might stumble across a treasure. A treasure that you ain't even looking for. A treasure that quite possibly doesn't even look like a treasure initially. But you can say with some certainty, you are most assuredly NOT going to find any treasure within the constricting bonds of an ILIASM shithole. If ever I join a dating site, I'll use these as my templates. Just need to personalize them, but I like the honest and direct approach here. |
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