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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 30, 2016 16:03:39 GMT -5
I found this article very informative for both men and women, when discussing SM, divorce, reasons for leaving a SM, staying married. there is no shame in admitting the abuse .http://shrink4men.com/2010/10/27/can-men-be-abused-by-women/
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Post by csl on Aug 30, 2016 17:35:16 GMT -5
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Post by baza on Aug 30, 2016 20:10:39 GMT -5
A couple of months ago, I came across this 6 year study by the University of Dunedin (in New Zealand) concerning dysfunctional relationships and levels of abuse both emotional and physical.
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In the data collected, it revealed that the ratio of physical violence toward a partner was not at all gender specific. Women were just as prone to hitting their partners as were the blokes.
-
I was shocked by this personally. I 'thought' blokes were far more likely to be the perpetrators of domestic violence.
-
Interestingly enough, the group who were doing the study were likewise shocked, and thought that their questioning had perhaps been faulty, or the analysis of the data was flawed in some way and they were coming up with a statistical anomaly.
So they exhaustively rechecked the whole study.
And got the same result.
-
THERE WAS NO GENDER BIAS.
-
Women were just as likely to engage in violent domestic behaviour as men.
-
There is apparently, similar research going on in Denmark that is coming up with the same result.
-
But still, the broader research community do not accept this, at this time.
-
-
As ever, I have a theory about this.
Generally, blokes are bigger and stronger than women.
If a woman lets loose a left hook to a blokes head, the ensuing damage is likely to be 'relatively' minor.
But if a bloke bounces one off a womans' head the damage is likely to be substantial.
So whereas the 'intent' (to strike) is identical, the damage resultant is likely to be of greater consequence, higher visibility, if the hitter is a bloke.
To put it another way, when a bigger stronger person hits a smaller less powerful person the smaller less powerful person is likely to sustain substantial damage - and the smaller less powerful person in a heterosexual relationship is likely to be the female.
-
Anyway, to the question "can men be abused by women", the evidence thus far is a resounding "yes".
And this is so in the physical sense as well as the emotional sense.
-
"People" can behave abusively in relationships.
Neither gender has a mortgage on this despicable behaviour.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 30, 2016 22:56:00 GMT -5
After reading the link and watching the video, it dawned on me why I put up with the abuse by women in my life. Because I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother when I was a child, all the way until I finally left home at age 18. My first wife, both when I was dating her, and after we were married, was verbally abusive to me, and a couple of times it escalated to physical abuse, probably because after awhile she wasn't getting the reaction from me from verbally being abusive, so she upped the abuse by becoming physical.
Because my mother was verbally and physically abuse to me as a child I associated that with acceptable behavior from someone who loves you. My mother always told me she loved me after the instances of abuse I endured. My mother was the poster mom for "Mommy Dearest". That was actually a very difficult movie for me to watch because it was so close and personal for me.
My current wife has used refusing sex and affection as her weapons of abuse to me. Wow, this post was a shocking realization for me. And it makes me very sad because I have accepted this behavior as being normal for my entire life and have truly missed out on what a true, loving, acceptable relationship with a woman would feel like.
I hope it's not too late for me to find out.  |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Aug 31, 2016 1:25:47 GMT -5
It's never too late solodriverIt's heartbreaking to hear your post. I wish kind women for your future xxx |
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Post by solodriver on Aug 31, 2016 2:32:42 GMT -5
It's never too late solodriver It's heartbreaking to hear your post. I wish kind women for your future xxx Thank you so much eternaloptimism. You are truly one kind woman. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Aug 31, 2016 9:13:07 GMT -5
solodriver Ita great that you can see the pattern clearly now though. It puts you in a better place for the next relationship doesn't it. Hugs x
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Post by solodriver on Aug 31, 2016 21:10:25 GMT -5
solodriver Ita great that you can see the pattern clearly now though. It puts you in a better place for the next relationship doesn't it. Hugs x eternaloptimism, Thank you so much. It means a lot to me. After the realization came to me about this, it has been a little tough to think about, but your kind words give me hope.
Hugs
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 4, 2016 8:10:04 GMT -5
quoting baza: Neither gender has a mortgage on this despicable behaviour. I have said my whole life that any female can do anything a male can. Gender attributions are cultural. In rural settings, females hunt, trap, use the chainsaw. YES - they even CAN learn to pee standing up (per my friend who reports when she put her mind to it, she even learned how to aim well). There are no girl-colors or boy-colors - this is a societal thing that is imposed, taught, cultured. My cousin is one of the first female fighter pilots in the USAF. She's a hot shit hotshot. There is nothing a man can do that a woman cannot. That we often "self-select" out of the uphill battle to do certain jobs is a reflection of what we are trained to believe is a cultural norm or "normal behavior for girls" - Rosie the Riveter and millions of females prove otherwise. I agree on the likelihood of the resulting injury from physical abuse - and that then, the battered females are more likely to report an incident vs if a man is the victim, he is culturally shamed by it and also less physical injury is had - and so he is actually less likely to report it even when it does happen. And, as solodriver pointed out - a person has to realize and understand what IS abuse before ever dreaming of reporting such a thing. We have to know and be conscious of what constitutes abuse - - and I don't think we quite have a handle on it in the emotional abuse category. That "reward" of the I love you after the shame/abuse hit is a narcotic. In shame research, they are finding that if we are used to this sort of treatment, we get a little adrenaline hit when we are shamed and as we age, we seek it out. So we recreate the dysfunctional upbringing in bad relationships and then scratch our heads wondering why life hurts so much. This is what I distilled from seeing my SM and analyzing it against my relationship to my mom. We have to see the cycle to prevent it from repeating. Good luck, solodriver - I really hope this epiphany helps you with resolution of the SM. It can take a lot of therapy (for me, it has at least) but it is SO worth the investigation. |
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Post by solodriver on Sept 4, 2016 17:50:25 GMT -5
quoting baza : Neither gender has a mortgage on this despicable behaviour. I have said my whole life that any female can do anything a male can. Gender attributions are cultural. In rural settings, females hunt, trap, use the chainsaw. YES - they even CAN learn to pee standing up (per my friend who reports when she put her mind to it, she even learned how to aim well). There are no girl-colors or boy-colors - this is a societal thing that is imposed, taught, cultured. My cousin is one of the first female fighter pilots in the USAF. She's a hot shit hotshot. There is nothing a man can do that a woman cannot. That we often "self-select" out of the uphill battle to do certain jobs is a reflection of what we are trained to believe is a cultural norm or "normal behavior for girls" - Rosie the Riveter and millions of females prove otherwise. I agree on the likelihood of the resulting injury from physical abuse - and that then, the battered females are more likely to report an incident vs if a man is the victim, he is culturally shamed by it and also less physical injury is had - and so he is actually less likely to report it even when it does happen. And, as solodriver pointed out - a person has to realize and understand what IS abuse before ever dreaming of reporting such a thing. We have to know and be conscious of what constitutes abuse - - and I don't think we quite have a handle on it in the emotional abuse category. That "reward" of the I love you after the shame/abuse hit is a narcotic. In shame research, they are finding that if we are used to this sort of treatment, we get a little adrenaline hit when we are shamed and as we age, we seek it out. So we recreate the dysfunctional upbringing in bad relationships and then scratch our heads wondering why life hurts so much. This is what I distilled from seeing my SM and analyzing it against my relationship to my mom. We have to see the cycle to prevent it from repeating. Good luck, solodriver - I really hope this epiphany helps you with resolution of the SM. It can take a lot of therapy (for me, it has at least) but it is SO worth the investigation. Thank you so much grantgeek. What you shared is so true and I will have to seek help to work out what has happened to me. Like I said in an earlier post, I hope it's not too late to enjoy a real, loving, affectionate, sexual relationship, free from any emotional abuse or, in my case, pain caused by past relationships and childhood experiences. I look forward to the wonderful feeling of loving and feeling loved in return, if given the chance. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 4, 2016 17:55:35 GMT -5
quoting baza : Neither gender has a mortgage on this despicable behaviour. I have said my whole life that any female can do anything a male can. Gender attributions are cultural. In rural settings, females hunt, trap, use the chainsaw. YES - they even CAN learn to pee standing up (per my friend who reports when she put her mind to it, she even learned how to aim well). There are no girl-colors or boy-colors - this is a societal thing that is imposed, taught, cultured. My cousin is one of the first female fighter pilots in the USAF. She's a hot shit hotshot. There is nothing a man can do that a woman cannot. That we often "self-select" out of the uphill battle to do certain jobs is a reflection of what we are trained to believe is a cultural norm or "normal behavior for girls" - Rosie the Riveter and millions of females prove otherwise. I agree on the likelihood of the resulting injury from physical abuse - and that then, the battered females are more likely to report an incident vs if a man is the victim, he is culturally shamed by it and also less physical injury is had - and so he is actually less likely to report it even when it does happen. And, as solodriver pointed out - a person has to realize and understand what IS abuse before ever dreaming of reporting such a thing. We have to know and be conscious of what constitutes abuse - - and I don't think we quite have a handle on it in the emotional abuse category. That "reward" of the I love you after the shame/abuse hit is a narcotic. In shame research, they are finding that if we are used to this sort of treatment, we get a little adrenaline hit when we are shamed and as we age, we seek it out. So we recreate the dysfunctional upbringing in bad relationships and then scratch our heads wondering why life hurts so much. This is what I distilled from seeing my SM and analyzing it against my relationship to my mom. We have to see the cycle to prevent it from repeating. Good luck, solodriver - I really hope this epiphany helps you with resolution of the SM. It can take a lot of therapy (for me, it has at least) but it is SO worth the investigation. Thank you so much grantgeek. What you shared is so true and I will have to seek help to work out what has happened to me. Like I said in an earlier post, I hope it's not too late to enjoy a real, loving, affectionate, sexual relationship, free from any emotional abuse or, in my case, pain caused by past relationships and childhood experiences. I look forward to the wonderful feeling of loving and feeling loved in return, if given the chance. I think as long as we are alive, it's not too late yet! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 8, 2018 21:01:50 GMT -5
A couple of months ago, I came across this 6 year study by the University of Dunedin (in New Zealand) concerning dysfunctional relationships and levels of abuse both emotional and physical. - In the data collected, it revealed that the ratio of physical violence toward a partner was not at all gender specific. Women were just as prone to hitting their partners as were the blokes. - I was shocked by this personally. I 'thought' blokes were far more likely to be the perpetrators of domestic violence. - Interestingly enough, the group who were doing the study were likewise shocked, and thought that their questioning had perhaps been faulty, or the analysis of the data was flawed in some way and they were coming up with a statistical anomaly. So they exhaustively rechecked the whole study. And got the same result. - THERE WAS NO GENDER BIAS. - Women were just as likely to engage in violent domestic behaviour as men. - There is apparently, similar research going on in Denmark that is coming up with the same result. - But still, the broader research community do not accept this, at this time. - - As ever, I have a theory about this. Generally, blokes are bigger and stronger than women. If a woman lets loose a left hook to a blokes head, the ensuing damage is likely to be 'relatively' minor. But if a bloke bounces one off a womans' head the damage is likely to be substantial. So whereas the 'intent' (to strike) is identical, the damage resultant is likely to be of greater consequence, higher visibility, if the hitter is a bloke. To put it another way, when a bigger stronger person hits a smaller less powerful person the smaller less powerful person is likely to sustain substantial damage - and the smaller less powerful person in a heterosexual relationship is likely to be the female. - Anyway, to the question "can men be abused by women", the evidence thus far is a resounding "yes". And this is so in the physical sense as well as the emotional sense. - "People" can behave abusively in relationships. Neither gender has a mortgage on this despicable behaviour. True. |
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Post by Handy on Oct 8, 2018 21:13:29 GMT -5
What I have observed is a few females argue with males and the females start using derogatory terms towards the males. The guy puts up with the ridiculing for a good long while and maybe even a slap from her, then he hits back, that is when the physical damage is done.
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