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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 12:57:24 GMT -5
tamara68 - Congratulations! Somehow I missed this when it was new. I am SO glad to hear this good news. It's so good to hear about something good happening for a person I like who has really been through hell. I have a feeling that things with your daughter will fall into place. She is a person with a mind and emotions and needs. This situation has been affecting her, too, for years. She will probably need time to process everything. (A thought: could she maybe get some therapy?) But in the end, you are her mother, and that's a lot. I think you and she will work things out between you. Listen to your lawyer and do exactly what he/she says. Your STBX is crazy - to put it bluntly - and I think he could be dangerous. Hold onto the memories of the crazy, scary things he did, if you are ever tempted to go back. That marriage had so many problems - lack of sex was the tip of the iceberg.
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 10, 2016 14:49:07 GMT -5
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escape
Sept 12, 2016 12:45:49 GMT -5
Post by tamara68 on Sept 12, 2016 12:45:49 GMT -5
tamara68 Congratulations on your freedom! I saw you said you feel guilt from your MIL and your stbx. For what it's worth coming from an internet stranger, your ex is a monster with no apparent redeeming qualities and your MIL I do not have enough information about but she may well be a monster too, or at least enabling her son to be a monster. Have you considered going no-contact with both of them beyond what you absolutely have to, setting boundaries and not letting them cross (eg. no phone calls, only texts, ignore and refuse to engage in any text discussion beyond the necessary conversations about your daughter's care) and having all communication about the divorce go through your lawyer or something? I will keep contact with my MIL to a minimum. I told her a few weeks ago about a few of the disfunctional features of our marriage. Told her about the sexlessness. Her reply: "If he didn't want sex, he must have had a reason for it". I am not going to tell her more. No use and I don't want to defend myself anymore. My husband doesn't call, he only sends e-mails and texts. My daughter doesn't call either. She has replied to my text with the clear input from her father. She has also send me an e-mail with her fathers opinion all over it. |
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escape
Sept 12, 2016 12:52:48 GMT -5
Post by tamara68 on Sept 12, 2016 12:52:48 GMT -5
tamara68 - Congratulations! Somehow I missed this when it was new. I am SO glad to hear this good news. It's so good to hear about something good happening for a person I like who has really been through hell. I have a feeling that things with your daughter will fall into place. She is a person with a mind and emotions and needs. This situation has been affecting her, too, for years. She will probably need time to process everything. (A thought: could she maybe get some therapy?) But in the end, you are her mother, and that's a lot. I think you and she will work things out between you. Listen to your lawyer and do exactly what he/she says. Your STBX is crazy - to put it bluntly - and I think he could be dangerous. Hold onto the memories of the crazy, scary things he did, if you are ever tempted to go back. That marriage had so many problems - lack of sex was the tip of the iceberg. Thanks! I really hope things will fall into place. Everyone is telling me that. I am trying to believe it. At the moment it is bad. I think therapy could be good for her, but at the moment I don't think she will want it and I am sure her father doesn't want that. When I spoke to her on the day I left, I gave her a few addresses she could use if she wanted to talk to someone. Even if it is just the general practitioner, it would be better than nothing. And he could give her more ideas. I don't think she will do that. She has learned for years to do things alone and has seen the example of her father who doesn't ask help with anything. I find it difficul to explain to her why it is the right thing to do for me to leave. She wrote in an e-mail that she doesn't want to move again. And that is exactly what she and her father will have to because of me. |
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 12, 2016 12:57:07 GMT -5
Thanks! It fits the style I am after. A bit artistic. I am planning to add some color; orange, purple and turquoise  |
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escape
Sept 12, 2016 20:26:12 GMT -5
Post by unmatched on Sept 12, 2016 20:26:12 GMT -5
tamara68 I am looking in from the outside and I don't know too much about your situation (except that your husband is deeply disturbed!), so this may be all wrong. But why are you leaving your daughter alone with him? I know it isn't easy for her but can she not come sleep in your bed sometimes? Can you not pick her up from school or take her out for dinner? Right now she is being thoroughly brainwashed by a disturbed man, and drifting further and further away from you. That can't be good for either of you.
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 13, 2016 1:01:51 GMT -5
tamara68 I am looking in from the outside and I don't know too much about your situation (except that your husband is deeply disturbed!), so this may be all wrong. But why are you leaving your daughter alone with him? I know it isn't easy for her but can she not come sleep in your bed sometimes? Can you not pick her up from school or take her out for dinner? Right now she is being thoroughly brainwashed by a disturbed man, and drifting further and further away from you. That can't be good for either of you. She is used to being with him most of the time. She doesnt want to come with me. I have told her she can come any time. I have a bed ready for her. I think she will be going to spend days with me in a while but not yet. I do find it hard to leave her there now but at least I have a place where she can go when she has had enough from her dad. I just couldnt stay there any longer and cant simply take her with me. |
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Post by Dan on Sept 15, 2016 11:32:40 GMT -5
I am sad about my daughter. I know it is difficult for her. And her father will tell her every day that it is all because of me. I can notice that her replies by text messages or e-mail are all made together with her father. On the day I left, she said she couldn't really understand why I left. She just doesn't know what a marriage / relation should look like. Tamara, Wow, such a bold move! (Sorry so late to hear about it; my time to read the forum is pretty spotty these days.) I wanted to give you a suggestion about communicating with your daughter. I think you need a way to communicate to her that your STBX doesn't know about, and can't tap in to. If you have the money, you should get her a cell phone... that her father doesn't know about. Have her hide it from him. In case he finds it, have her put a "lock code" on it; she should even rehearse a little speech "that's not my phone dad; my friend left it in the lunch room and I picked it up to give it back to her." If you can't afford an active cellphone line, then, instead, find a recently used smartphone with NO SERVICE, and just set up the WiFi connectivity. Pick an app like Skype or Google Hangouts, and decide that will be the way you two will communicate, both messaging and calling. This won't have any recurring fee, just the cost of a used phone... or no cost if you have an unused phone at this time, or a friend has one to loan you. This will be your way to stay in touch with her, and to hear how she is REALLY doing. For that matter, if your cellphone is still "in his name", cancel it and get your own plan ASAP. There are too many ways the account holder can remotely access your call logs, access your texts, install or monitor apps on your phone. Wishing you continued strength, courage, and safety. Wishing you increasing calmness, prosperity and health -- mental and physical! -- Dan |
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 15, 2016 15:11:57 GMT -5
Dan thanks. I am afraid that is not going to work with my daughter. First of all, I think she really is mad at me and even though it was very clear to her that we had big problems, she said that she didn't understand that it was so bad that I needed to leave. Her father will have to move to a smaller apartment and so she will have to move too. She doesn't like that. She doesn't have a place to hide a Phone and at the moment I don't think she would use it. I have made an e-mail adres for her, I informed her about that when I left, but she has not used it. I will send her some texts, but for the moment I think she will not appreciate more messages from me. Maybe better to wait a little longer and try to contact her personally again. All the e-mails from my stbx and MIL are really bothering me. Mil is saying I will regret it and I am going to lose my daughter this way. Talking about my mother and that she would not have approved this. First I want to respond, but that will probably not help at all. My lawyer has sent a letter on my behalf, simply confirming that the divorce inevidable and that my husband should get a lawyer. (he is entitled to a pro deo lawyer)
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