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Post by JMX on Aug 26, 2016 23:31:57 GMT -5
tamara68 yay!! So happy for you! I pray your daughter follows you to your new place. Peace, blessings and a germ-positive life for you in the future! Let those germs inside of you... In you, outside of you, In your mouth, In your mind. May all of your future endeavors be full or germs and life-giving dirt!
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Post by eternaloptimism on Aug 27, 2016 3:58:20 GMT -5
Congratulations tamara68 🙌 Your life starts now  One foot in front of the other. Be kind to yourself and breeaaattttthhhhe! Xxxx |
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Post by unmatched on Aug 27, 2016 10:14:48 GMT -5
Tamara congratulations, I can only imagine how much strength it took to do that. I am sure he will continue to make life as hard as he can, but his power to make your life a misery will keep diminishing every day.
I don't know exactly where you left things with your daughter, and I don't know if this is relevant. But when my brother left his very difficult wife he didn't spend enough time with his daughter in the early days and she came to feel he had left her as well as her mother. So I get your lawyer's advice about not pressuring her too much, but regardless of whether she calls you or comes to visit I would suggest making sure that you are talking to her and seeing her as much as you can.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 27, 2016 11:19:55 GMT -5
My hopes for a brighter future for you. Standing your ground against a bully takes a lot of courage, but you have done it and you are out the door. I agree with many of the others that your stbx will make things as difficult for you as he can. Controlling you has been a big part of his personality for a long time so it's to be expected he will try and continue, likely through your daughter. Hang tough and keep your attorney in the loop. Buy another tape recorder. I don't know anything about your relationship with your daughter but no matter what they say down deep most genuinely want their parents involved in their lives, so stay as involved as you can. Good luck.
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Post by pfviento on Aug 27, 2016 12:39:43 GMT -5
What you did took courage and serious steel in your spine. Good for you for having the courage to do it and setting an example for any others who might be in similar situations.
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 9, 2016 6:50:20 GMT -5
Thank you all for your replies. It has been a very busy and hectic two weeks since my escape. Still don't have internet at home, very frustrating. There were a few colleagues who have been a great help to me with getting settled in my apartment. Thanks to a small inheritance from my mother I could afford this move. I have spent a lot, but it is worth it. I bought a few luxury things to pick up my hobbies painting and photography. I still feel weird. It is good to have my own place and do things I want. But it is strange. I have felt down and stressed for a few days, especially because the internet thing was very frustrating. Now I am okay. Today my stbx will get divorce papers delivered. It is not what he wants.... He has sent me several e-mails. In the last one he 'proposes' to stay married but live on the two different addresses and I keep paying everything for him. I am glad I have a lawyer. I am sad about my daughter. I know it is difficult for her. And her father will tell her every day that it is all because of me. I can notice that her replies by text messages or e-mail are all made together with her father. On the day I left, she said she couldn't really understand why I left. She just doesn't know what a marriage / relation should look like. My MIL is sending me e-mails too. I understand she is supporting her son, but it is so annoying that both of them regard me as some idiot who has left a good husband in a impulsive mindless way. @phinheasgage I don't think he will show up at my apartment, that is not like him. And I am the strongest one misssunnybunny and DryCreek I have to admit to my embarrassment that I found my bank card, he didn't take it from me... Financially I have made sure he can't get to my personal possessions. greatcoastal I hope I can get to bond with my daughter. It will take a while, but I think all I need is to be alone with her regularly. I will have to have patience. baza my lawyer advises me to be firm.... not give in to much. That is very very hard for me, but working on it. nyartgal I have found some form of support, but they were a bit disappointing. I will try again though. @mountainrunner .... courage yes.., the hardest part was to ignore my fears and keep thinking about what is the right thing to do. The actually escape was easier than I thought. Making a tough decision is what is hard to do. itsjustus I have moments of relief and freedom. Especially when doing things my stbx doesn't like. Since he doesn't like many things, that involves lots of simple things. The music I listen to, the way I do things in the house, being outdoors in the evening, wearing slippers (he hates them), using perfume, sitting with my feet on the sofa, singing out loud and so on and so forth. GeekGoddess I have that fear about my daughter appeasing him, but I also know that she has a mind of her own, it will take time. I hope that eventually it will be good. Having said that.... I do feel affected by the accusing words of my stbx and mil.  |
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Post by wewbwb on Sept 9, 2016 7:01:16 GMT -5
Well please feel "affected" by these words as well.
You are strong. Smart. Brave. Talented. Kind. Loving. Joyful.
And a wonderful person.
Thank you for allowing us to know you and share with with you.
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 9, 2016 7:02:43 GMT -5
Thank you too wewbwb! you are awesome |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 9, 2016 7:06:16 GMT -5
tamara68 - what a beautiful space! Glad to see you buy supplies needed for your hobbies. Stay compassionate with yourself over moods & feelings. No feelings are "wrong" and it is understandable to feel affected by the mean words of MIL & STBX. Time & patience is obviously needed but if your daughter is anything like you in the "think for yourself" category, I know that she will come around. Sooner or later, children understand - their hearts know eventually. Like you said - she doesn't know what "healthy" actually looks like and so she just doesn't know what to measure against. I am really glad you have a lawyer and that the advice is to be firm! It is difficult, but it IS worth it. Great to see an update from you. So proud of you on all the things! Enjoy the slippers! (I just found that SO ridiculous of that whole list. For me, it was moving small furniture around and "just trying it there" and moving it again - without recrimination by EX - that brought me much joy, almost a ludicrous amount)
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Post by wewbwb on Sept 9, 2016 7:13:19 GMT -5
Thank you too wewbwb ! you are awesome I really am. Thank you for noticing. |
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 9, 2016 7:14:58 GMT -5
wewbwb My perception is excellent!
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 9, 2016 7:27:07 GMT -5
tamara68 - what a beautiful space! Glad to see you buy supplies needed for your hobbies. Stay compassionate with yourself over moods & feelings. No feelings are "wrong" and it is understandable to feel affected by the mean words of MIL & STBX. Time & patience is obviously needed but if your daughter is anything like you in the "think for yourself" category, I know that she will come around. Sooner or later, children understand - their hearts know eventually. Like you said - she doesn't know what "healthy" actually looks like and so she just doesn't know what to measure against. I am really glad you have a lawyer and that the advice is to be firm! It is difficult, but it IS worth it. Great to see an update from you. So proud of you on all the things! Enjoy the slippers! (I just found that SO ridiculous of that whole list. For me, it was moving small furniture around and "just trying it there" and moving it again - without recrimination by EX - that brought me much joy, almost a ludicrous amount) Thanks, I hope for the best with my daughter. I have been moving furniture around too. And plan to add some daring colors. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2016 7:59:37 GMT -5
"She just doesn't know what a marriage / relation should look like."
Take heed, anyone who is "staying for the kids." You are teaching them that asymmetrical, parasitic, abusive, or apathetic relationships are normal.
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escape
Sept 9, 2016 9:31:03 GMT -5
Post by tamara68 on Sept 9, 2016 9:31:03 GMT -5
JMX I am very aware of germs and my violations of the rules by stbx... Getting familiar with germs. eternaloptimism thanks, have managed to keep breathing for a start. unmatched Thanks, it is very difficult to keep in touch with my daughter, but I am trying to keep sending messages and let her know I am thinking of her.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2016 15:50:31 GMT -5
tamara68 Congratulations on your freedom! I saw you said you feel guilt from your MIL and your stbx. For what it's worth coming from an internet stranger, your ex is a monster with no apparent redeeming qualities and your MIL I do not have enough information about but she may well be a monster too, or at least enabling her son to be a monster. Have you considered going no-contact with both of them beyond what you absolutely have to, setting boundaries and not letting them cross (eg. no phone calls, only texts, ignore and refuse to engage in any text discussion beyond the necessary conversations about your daughter's care) and having all communication about the divorce go through your lawyer or something?
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