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Post by olgana on Aug 21, 2016 14:38:21 GMT -5
Hi,
I am new to this forum and I introduced myself shortly in the new members section. Despite having left my SM marriage 4 years ago, I find myself struggling. Very often, I feel lonely. I feel a hole. I haven't entered the dating place as I am scared and still feel vulnerable. I have mixed feelings. Sometimes, I think I am strong enough to recover, but sometimes I am desperate and think I will be on my own forever. I know escaping this SM was the best decision I made, but sometimes, I somehow regret it because I think I might have not tried everything to sort it. Also, I wonder what to say to my children who are young adults. They view their father as a great man, and it hurts. He has a new partner and seems to be affectionate with her. Could it be I was the only one he would abuse? Could I be responsible for his having abused me? Do you sometimes experience the same thoughts/feelings? What are your best recovery tools? Did reading some books help you? Many thanks in advance for your advices? |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 21, 2016 16:41:48 GMT -5
Olgana - welcome. Glad to hear you are out but sorry this anxiety-state has lasted so long after leaving. There is another thread (in Resources) recommending a couple of items. (Burns is author) I am a strong proponent of one on one talk therapy. My new therapist (after moving out last year) is "a shame specialist" which sort of cracked me up when I heard the phrase (the Inner SmartAss retorted - so is my mother!) but actually she's been very helpful to me. A lot of the "could I responsible for being the refused" is out of shame - some was more on the surface and some was much, much deeper than that. I attend Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families and that 12-step group helped a lot so far and I have a way to go in that. Also joined another 12-step program and thinking of adding Al-Anon to my mix as well (not sure the schedule can really support all of it - but maybe I will wait until I'm done once through with the ACA step workbook, I may switch out for a bit to try Al Anon).
Anyway - I hope any of this helps and just knowing that there is a huge population of SM folks did help me a lot when I first found the predecessor to this group.
BTW - it is normal and reasonable to have doubts. Try to focus on knowing that your escape was the decision. Build on that. You could well be the only person he will have abused (or it could be a ruse and he will repeat his pattern privately and you will never know). What he goes on to do with his life isn't a reflection on you or the sort of mate that you were.
YOU are not responsible for his poor treatment of you. You ARE responsible for your own happiness though and building/rebuilding your own life. I hope you will find the strength to support yourself and be kind to yourself and quit the self-doubting. I do it - but I'm better about not doing it than I used to be. Good luck with ALL of it!
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Post by unmatched on Aug 21, 2016 19:09:51 GMT -5
You are NOT responsible for his abusing you. I read your other post and he is a selfish mummy's boy who thinks the world revolves around him, and he was having an affair while refusing you sex. That is NOT your fault. (And your kids must be able to see that too...)
What you are responsible for is how you reacted to him in the past, and how you are reacting to it now. Spending some time with a counsellor could really help you to understand that better.
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Post by baza on Aug 21, 2016 19:47:06 GMT -5
Telling your story to an objective and unemotionally involved person, like a counsellor (or in here to some extent) can be tremendously helpful.
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A counsellor will NOT be able to fix things for you, but they can help supply you with the tools and mindset where you can sort the situation out yourself.
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From the outside looking in, it reads like you are carrying a huge load of baggage (that doesn't even belong to you) from your ILIASM shithole.
That would be a good burden to offload.
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At this point, you are giving this bloke is way more relevance in your life - today - than he warrants.
He is not really terribly relevant to your life - today.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2016 21:28:29 GMT -5
Don't fall into the "did I do enough?" trap. There's always one more thing you could have tried, but you know what, it wouldn't have changed anything, because you can't change another person!!
He's a jackass. You can't change that. So live in the present. Yes work on healing but sweep up all those doubts and what ifs and scatter them to the wind.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 22, 2016 19:21:59 GMT -5
I can relate to some of what you wrote.
I have accepted the fact that I may not have another long term relationship.
I was married 23 years, all clinically a SM and the last 13 celibate (except the last 2 years I was outsourcing).
By the time I divorced I was ready to date just for fun nothing serious.
I had no regrets, I felt like I tried everything for the majority of the marriage, bottom line the once or twice a year your wife asks politely if we could have sex the answer is not maybe and you leave her hanging so yeah I have no regrets for his stupidity.
Some tools I used while I was married to cope with being lonely which is worse than being alone were: exercise, music, great friends, my kids and their activities, reading, journaling, ILIASM Forum, outsourcing, days to myself, some days I just stayed in bed.
As far as what to tell your adult children I can not answer that for you but I will share with you what I will tell my children when they are young adults and get in a serious relationship:
I will tell them that their father lost attraction to me probably before we were married. He probably had no business ever getting married because he couldn't keep another woman's hand off his dick from the first year of our marriage and I clearly loved him but he didn't love me the way a husband should love a wife. He was selfish and he used me. He made a unilateral decision to impose celibacy on me for 13 years. He was selfish in bed too.
I will tell my children that if they are getting oral they better give it too, especially my son, I will tell him that because every young man needs to hear that and Lord knows his father is not going to tell him.
I think if you have not gone for individual therapy that might help.
Four years is a long time to hold the rest of your life up on someone that has clearly moved on with their life. Don't live in the past, don't have regrets, that's history look torwards the future and make your life a happy one.
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 22, 2016 20:44:24 GMT -5
Don't fall into the "did I do enough?" trap. He's a jackass. You can't change that. So live in the present. Yes work on healing but sweep up all those doubts and what ifs and scatter them to the wind. We also know that this isn't always the easiest thing thing to. Sometimes the wind blows it right back in your face. Allow yourself to slip backwards some days. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2016 21:33:12 GMT -5
Don't fall into the "did I do enough?" trap. He's a jackass. You can't change that. So live in the present. Yes work on healing but sweep up all those doubts and what ifs and scatter them to the wind. We also know that this isn't always the easiest thing thing to. Sometimes the wind blows it right back in your face. Allow yourself to slip backwards some days. When I wrote that, my thought was, if only! Now just me personally I've been stuck on something for three years and it's as bad as the day it happened. The mere mention of any place sends me into a funk because it's a place, and so is a certain place. Almost everything I see was bought and sold by someone, so there was a client and a vendor, so it's a kick in the stomach. Three years. It's so bad I think it's the fulfillment of a prophecy of damnation from when I was five. This is what I carry around in my head 24/7. I have nightmares every night. All from the past. So oh yes you're so right, easier said than done. |
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 22, 2016 22:05:07 GMT -5
Please keep in mind that all i was trying to do was make sure sure that olgana know that it isn't always easy. And to not get upset if she slips. Personally, I have more demons than Bruce Campbell can handle. (If anyone gets it without google, you win incredibly common edition kitten picture) |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2016 22:46:18 GMT -5
Please keep in mind that all i was trying to do was make sure sure that olgana know that it isn't always easy. And to not get upset if she slips. Personally, I have more demons than Bruce Campbell can handle. (If anyone gets it without google, you win incredibly common edition kitten picture) I totally agree. You're going to get in ruts and progress will at times draw to a halt. When someone fucks up your head you don't get out intact. Stronger though if you can learn from it. |
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 22, 2016 23:25:26 GMT -5
Personally, I have more demons than Bruce Campbell can handle. (If anyone gets it without google, you win incredibly common edition kitten picture) Bean curd! ;-) |
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 23, 2016 3:16:42 GMT -5
Personally, I have more demons than Bruce Campbell can handle. (If anyone gets it without google, you win incredibly common edition kitten picture) Bean curd! ;-) Winner! Attachments:
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Post by olgana on Aug 23, 2016 13:48:55 GMT -5
Hi,
I would like to thank you all for your comments.
I wish I had known this site when I was still in my SM.
I agree with bballgirl that I should not live in the past and that 4 years is already a long time.
I must confess though that I only realized 5 months ago that I had been manipulated during all this time, when I finally did dare to confess my story to a friend while I was fighting for the custody of my youngest daughter.
That is why I am also thankful for this site to exist.
During years, I was so ashamed by my situation that I did not dare talking about it.
My husband had convinced me that I was guilty. I felt like a criminal and was waiting for him to be kind enough to forgive me.
While reading the book "In sheep's clothing" very recently, I had an epiphany. All the ways he covertly abused me were detailed.
But even when I was brave enough to leave him, I was not aware I had been manipulated.
I left because I felt I would die otherwise.
Having said that, it was only the beginning of a long way for me.
Thankfully, I had never stopped working and was financially not dependent on him.
But I had even never got a bank account under my name!
I left the big house we used to live in to move to a small apartment.
Looking back, I do not know if it was a mistake or not.
This house was full of bad memories and I was pleased to live elsewhere.... But I started seeing my children much less as they would prefer live in a big house.
I used to live in Paris, France. Last year, I moved to London, UK.
I needed to move because of my work and I also wanted to start a new life in a new country.
I brought my youngest daughter with me.
Ever since, my husband has tried to manipulate her against me.
Having said that, very recently, she has started opening her eyes regarding her father and our relationship is now improving.
As I've already mentioned it, I find it hard, even after 4 years, but it seems to me that I had not mourned my marriage before. I was too busy dealing with lots of material aspects of my life.
Now that I see my husband as who he actually is, I can start mourning, hence the pain.
I would advise all members here who are still in a SM and planning to exit, to carefully prepare all the aspects of their exit.
I also warn them that they might not find so much support from their own family and/or friends.
The emotional abuse produced by a SM leaves invisible scars, and most people do not understand the deep pain we have experienced during all these years.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 23, 2016 14:04:31 GMT -5
Very true the scars are invisible. At the end I told my husband that I wish he would have just beat me because then I would have left. The emotional and mental abuse is awful.
As well I recommend grieving during the marriage if possible and find a support network that best suits you.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2016 14:39:32 GMT -5
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