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Post by pfviento on Aug 10, 2016 3:27:44 GMT -5
I thought it was a good time to put my story out there. I've been busy reading through the forum and looking at other stories. There are many that are quite alarming and eye opening. I can only say I wish I had stumbled across this group earlier prior to making some life altering decisions. I apologize for the length of the post.
I have been married about 5 years. Our marriage appears to be stuck in what I call "The Cycle". A month or two of no sex followed by another "The Talk". A reset usually happens followed by the pattern starting again.
My wife has serious issues with anxiety. When she is being rude or hard to deal with at home you have to work to get at the real reason. You get smoke screens like the infamous "I got mad that you got mad that I got mad". "You implied I was dumb by making a joke about something I demanded that was not possible. I.E. Physics discussions". I honestly have to really careful what I say even when I get upset because I know she takes the slightest thing deeply personal. I have a gift for sarcasm that makes this a dangerous combination. I have been known to say things that I probably shouldn't knowing what I know. I get frustrated or angry and let it out in the form of sarcasm.
We have one child. Even prior to her ever being pregnant she could sleep 10-14 hours and still be complaining she was tired. It was not uncommon for her to miss waking up on time for AFTERNOON appointments. It's ridiculous but I actually have to wake her up most times so she can make it to work on time and we work two different shifts. There are some nights I work 2 p.m. to 10 p.m. and would end up waking up at 5 a.m. to wake her up.
On the other hand when I go into work at 6 a.m. (Weekends) I get up on my own and she rarely stirs. I have insomnia like Webwb (Yeah, it sucks). When we had our daughter for a few months I was the ONLY one getting up. My wife would argue she didn't hear which might be true given she is a heavy sleeper. I'm not an asshole so at times I let her sleep until I finally had enough and woke her up a few months into this.
She was checked for a thyroid issue. The Medication for depression/anxiety maybe part of the problem. She finally agreed to have her sleep apnea checked after I delivered an ultimatum. I am awaiting those results.
There have been honesty issues. She has been caught lying on at least 2-3 different times regarding big money issues. The biggest example I can give is she complained she could not afford tires for her then Dodge Charger. I bought the tires for her only to find out a week later the car was traded in. I damn near turned to outsourcing after this but just couldn't do it.
A rumor got started among mutual friends that I was the one that had forced her to trade it in. Yep. I bought brand new tires for a car I was going to force her to trade in is how the story goes. I suspect she did not want to admit she traded it in because she had damaged the strut by hitting curbs etc.
I suspect the lying is due to my wife's desire to avoid conflict. She knew I would not approve a new car given she was struggling despite making more money than I do. She had racked up a ton of debt before I moved in with her. She really isn't a vindictive person.
After years of why chasing I am finally starting to realize an exit strategy may be needed. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a good husband since I know the vows go in sickness and in health. The problem is I am coming to the realization that this just isn't working for me and the resentment is building.
I love my daughter and ultimately I will do what is best for her. Currently she can't talk or express her needs and might be better off with me around more often than not. I am also aware that an unhealthy marriage is not going to do her any favors either.
Ultimately I am responsible from here on out for the choices I make.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2016 12:30:20 GMT -5
Vows work both ways.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 10, 2016 16:14:16 GMT -5
While I've come to be a lot less co-dependent when it comes to financial decisions, I'd think huge items like cars and houses are discussion points in any relationship. Hell, even major appliances.
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Post by pfviento on Aug 10, 2016 16:37:53 GMT -5
While I've come to be a lot less co-dependent when it comes to financial decisions, I'd think huge items like cars and houses are discussion points in any relationship. Hell, even major appliances. I probably would not have been quite so mad if I had not just bought tires for her that she said she could not afford. I also didn't appreciate finding out by way of my Father in Law.
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Post by baza on Aug 10, 2016 18:07:58 GMT -5
Personally, the paucity of sexual engagement was NOT "the" major issue in my deal. It was important, but not the key issue. There was financial irresponsibility and lying about it that was the primary dealbreaker in my situation. Plus assorted other issues. - The lack of sex was just the dysfunctional cherry on top of the dysfunctional cake. - "Everything was NOT great, and there wasn't even some half decent sex to compensate". - My deal went on for decades. I would not recommend that you let your deal run on for decades. There's no upside in doing that.
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 12, 2016 23:54:40 GMT -5
Yeah, insomnia sucks. So do lies. And not having sex. Chargers are ok, unless they have v6s. Then they suck also. Sarcasm sucks. High strung nervous people suck. Maybe I should stop. I'm pissed off already. Bad night here. Feels like almost everything in my life sucks except the Fridgidaire.
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The Cycle
Aug 13, 2016 19:52:14 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by pfviento on Aug 13, 2016 19:52:14 GMT -5
Personally, the paucity of sexual engagement was NOT "the" major issue in my deal. It was important, but not the key issue. There was financial irresponsibility and lying about it that was the primary dealbreaker in my situation. Plus assorted other issues. - The lack of sex was just the dysfunctional cherry on top of the dysfunctional cake. - "Everything was NOT great, and there wasn't even some half decent sex to compensate". - My deal went on for decades. I would not recommend that you let your deal run on for decades. There's no upside in doing that. It took browsing these forums and reading to realize the lack of sex was not the primary issue. If anything I have read enough to realize these things don't magically get better. At this point the sleep apnea is my last hope for a fix to the sleep issue. I have resisted merging our accounts on many things because of the issues. Currently trying to eliminate the debt. I had a house of my own before I met her and the renters in it are currently month to month. The exit strategy is shaping up which is why I believe she's agreed to get her health looked at.
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Post by pfviento on Aug 13, 2016 19:56:37 GMT -5
Yeah, insomnia sucks. So do lies. And not having sex. Chargers are ok, unless they have v6s. Then they suck also. Sarcasm sucks. High strung nervous people suck. Maybe I should stop. I'm pissed off already. Bad night here. Feels like almost everything in my life sucks except the Fridgidaire. Sarcasm is a way of life. A valuable coping skill. It's the only way I keep what's left of my sanity. Chargers are ok and so was the Fusion and now the Journey. It was never the car's fault. Then again I still drive first thing I ever bought. No car payments are nice.
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The Cycle
Aug 18, 2016 13:41:02 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2016 13:41:02 GMT -5
I hear you on this one.... my wife also takes things deeply personal and looks for insults and put downs in everything I say. I tell her if you think I am that mean to you....I have to tiptoe around with her...I seem to get in trouble if I go left or if I go right....or even straight!!! She will find a way to get upset with me!...and she sleeps a lot...always too tired for housework.... even though she works 36 hrs a week to my 50.
I have made it 7 years... no kids...it's not about you fulfilling your vows, it's about an unworkable living situation... trust me I know. I fight the same feelings....
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The Cycle
Aug 18, 2016 15:16:58 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2016 15:16:58 GMT -5
I hear you on this one.... my wife also takes things deeply personal and looks for insults and put downs in everything I say. I tell her if you think I am that mean to you....I have to tiptoe around with her...I seem to get in trouble if I go left or if I go right....or even straight!!! She will find a way to get upset with me!...and she sleeps a lot...always too tired for housework.... even though she works 36 hrs a week to my 50. I have made it 7 years... no kids...it's not about you fulfilling your vows, it's about an unworkable living situation... trust me I know. I fight the same feelings.... I wonder if your wife has a physical medical condition that makes her sleep so much? Or a mental medical condition like depression which can also make that? And of course even if that's the case it would help either condition to get out more, the problem is that's very hard (speaking from experience) when one is in the throes of whatever is making her sleep so much. I feel bad for both of you honestly. It's not fair to you not to have an actual partner, but she can't be happy that way either.
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Post by petrushka on Aug 18, 2016 16:16:17 GMT -5
Mostly that "super sensitive" spiel is a defense mechanism. It can be part of the whole passive aggressive thing (like with my wife) or it can just be an expression of very low self esteem or even (probably not in this case since you don't describe horrendous mood swings from abject misery to raging fury in a split second) borderline personality disorder.
I had to walk on eggshells around my wife for years and years and years. I still have to be very careful not to criticize. The flip into defensive mode has moved back, but it is still a possibility.
Ultimately there is nothing you can do if "the talk" hasn't helped, and if that other person is not working on their self esteem and actually accepting encouragement and praise on the other side of the discussion side.
My wife did not take encouragement and praise easily. She is -- after 18 years!! -- slowly learning to accept and dole them out. (unfortunately she also does come out with snarky stuff at times that would create an explosion if they went the other way).
Sarcasm is a fun thing; but you have to be very careful about where it's directed. The first thing we used to say to trainee teachers: never, ever, use sarcasm in the classroom; you may spoil the joy of learning for a child for the rest of their life. You will destroy their respect for you, too, because they will come to resent you. Be sarcastic about things that don't work. Be sarcastic about Microsoft or Ford, some politician, some tv news presenter, the weather forecast, but don't be sarcastic about a question asked by your child or partner, their emotions, their expressed needs and wants, or their pratfalls even - because it puts that person down, it erodes their sense of self esteem, it is, in other words, emotional abuse. Just. Don't. Do. It. A person needs to be very secure in themselves and very secure in their relationship with you to take sarcasm on the chin and smile about it.
It is possible that your wife's lies come from anxiety that you'll rip into her if she tells the truth. It is also possible that it's just an inherent part of her personality, that she's irresponsible with her money (obvious) and doesn't want to face it, doesn't want to rectify it - in which case my personal course would be to run as far and as fast as I can to separate myself from a likely ground zero event. If she wants to be married to you, she HAS to be open and honest with you and discuss big spending (and if the credit card is still maxed out, then the small spending too). Otherwise it's no kind of partnership. I.M.O.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 18, 2016 17:51:12 GMT -5
pfviento, food for thought... my mother's horrid financial behavior has systematically destroyed my father every single time he got ahead in life. Now retired, they're barely making ends meet with social security benefits. Be very, very cautious of who you bolt yourself to financially because their reckless behavior can destroy a lifetime of responsible saving. If anything, this is the biggest hazard in getting legally married.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2016 20:53:19 GMT -5
pfviento, food for thought... my mother's horrid financial behavior has systematically destroyed my father every single time he got ahead in life. Now retired, they're barely making ends meet with social security benefits. Be very, very cautious of who you bolt yourself to financially because their reckless behavior can destroy a lifetime of responsible saving. If anything, this is the biggest hazard in getting legally married. Hell yeah. Each jurisdiction of course has its twists, but that is the whole point of marriage from a legal standpoint. You can debate the social, cultural, emotional, and religious significance of marriage, but legally it replaces individual ownership with joint ownership. Your financial well being is indeed tied to your spouse's responsibility or lack thereof. You can't just say wait a minute, she ran up those debts, they're her problem. Nope. They're BOTH your problem. And all that money you make while she is irresponsible...it's BOTH yours; when you dissolve the marriage, you have to split it all up. Even stuff that were you single would be all yours. Every single penny in your 401k that went in during the marriage is both of yours even if you made 100% of the contributions. If you get divorced, your spouse gets either half or some share as part of an equitable distribution of assets and debts. It's a double whammy too. Suppose your spouse is reasonable and says ok I ran up your credit card so I'll take that debt in the divorce. So you write that into your separation agreement. You're off the hook right? No. The credit card companies aren't a party to your agreement. If your spouse fails to make the payments, it's you who will start getting calls from collectors. It's you whose credit score takes a hit. And if a nastygram from your lawyer to your ex's lawyer (and you thought you were done with lawyers hah!) doesn't rectify the situation, you have to sue your ex for breach of contract to get him or her to pay. Just what you wanted. Another court date! But guess what, your spouse is broke from lawyer bills so they're guilty of breach of contract but they still don't pay so you're stuck with it, but you're even more broke because you just paid for yet another lawsuit, so you file for bankruptcy and there goes your credit so you can't get that Maserati you were counting on for your midlife crisis and since you're middle aged and depressed and don't have money you're not picking up any 22 year old coeds so you're broke depressed and sexless...RIGHT WHERE YOU STARTED FROM. You might as well have stayed married, at least you would have a Maserati! They don't tell you this shit in Modern Bride Magazine.
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Post by unmatched on Aug 18, 2016 22:20:43 GMT -5
@phinheasgage I would think buying a Maserati is the car equivalent of marrying a 22 year old coed - you get mindblowing sex up until 12 months after your marriage, at which point they refuse to fuck you any more and spend every penny you have.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 18, 2016 22:28:35 GMT -5
... there goes your credit so you can't get that Maserati you were counting on for your midlife crisis and since you're middle aged and depressed and don't have money you're not picking up any 22 year old coeds so you're broke depressed and sexless... Damn. There goes my coed fantasy, right out the window... I have a van with shag carpet - are you sure that won't draw the honeys?
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