Post by pinkjeanie70 on Aug 9, 2016 18:21:04 GMT -5
It is no small endeavor to experience the retraining that occurs during post SM dating and relationships. For example, a few months ago, I posted a follow-up question regarding abstinence with my significant other. We mutually agreed on abstinence (which didn't last long). I should have posted an update sooner b/c we thoroughly talked through my reaction. I intellectualized the practice of abstinence, but my emotional reaction was heavy. Ultimately, my question to him was, "To what end?" We weren't engaged, and I wasn't going to demand a proposal. I just never have been the type of woman who demands an engagement.
Sex with my BF is very, very good. He makes sure I am fully satisfied before he reaches orgasm. We talk before, during and after sex. I think he is hot stuff.
Well, we talked through my emotions about abstinence, and it was really thanks to him because I have a tendency to shut down. That's the defense mechanism I know...tune out my needs, and focus on other things and suffer anxiety. I didn't realize how, "loud," my shutting down was. To prepare for marriage during a short engagement, having abstinence before days of marathon sex - I can be on board with that and I get it. It's just that a SM really is traumatizing. It's an explanation...not an excuse.
Another example of having a wee bump in the road is my SO and I were playing around, and I took things very literally. I thought he was building up to come over for naked play time. He wasn't, so I shut down again. He genuinely tried to apologize and amend things by coming over. I wouldn't let him because I thought I would appear being manipulative (by having a tantrum). It was a thing, and also insightful. I really hurt his feelings, too.
I also worry about being clingy post SM and I'm glad we don't live together. I've had to learn to practice grace, and I often trip and fall.
It's also important to note that I expected (and want) to have sex all the time. Why not? I have a willing partner who is very sexy, and I love sex, too. That's the way the world works, right? I mean, it seemed like everyone else except me was having sex and intimacy when I was in a SM. Relationships are deeper than that, and very dynamic. My BF writes love letters/poems (yay!), brought me into the fold with his kids (who are really neat), and shows vulnerability in a manly way be sharing what makes him who he is. I moved to a new state to date my BF. I have to be aware that I moved here on my own recognizance. It was a very good decision personally and professionally, and he doesn't owe me. He's not a paramour.
For me, it turned out that my BF and I appreciate each other's qualities, eccentricities, sexuality, values and depth. It is refreshing to date someone who is sexual, and there are risks in a relationship. What I didn't have in my SM was a partner who was willing to listen to me and hear my perspective of our journey. He didn't seem to respond to my needs. And, I kind of think that's what makes my new sex/love life satisfying: BF is wiling to adjust/accommodate to me. The new and interesting dynamic is that my partner is also willing to communicate his opinion.
I want to have fun. I moved to finally start living my life. I don't hinge happiness on my BF...I have ideas and goals that I will succeed at regardless. I have to admit, though, it is a little weird to be starting anew mid-life. If I were still married, I'd be thinking about the fence repairs, potlucks and laundry vs. the next obstacle course race or climbing Mount Shasta. I prefer an active lifestyle. The reward is my friends notice the rewards of an active lifestyle, and I feel like I'm being more authentic.
I think I've always wanted a relationship where I drifted so well with my lover, but it's a lot of work to drift well, too.
On a side note, my job at the non-profit didn't work out. I resigned on my 90-day probationary date. BUT, I was offered a much better job not long after my resignation. The new job is will require momentum to build up to what I'm used to...but it's a much better fit for me and I'm happy about that.
Hugs, PJ
Sex with my BF is very, very good. He makes sure I am fully satisfied before he reaches orgasm. We talk before, during and after sex. I think he is hot stuff.
Well, we talked through my emotions about abstinence, and it was really thanks to him because I have a tendency to shut down. That's the defense mechanism I know...tune out my needs, and focus on other things and suffer anxiety. I didn't realize how, "loud," my shutting down was. To prepare for marriage during a short engagement, having abstinence before days of marathon sex - I can be on board with that and I get it. It's just that a SM really is traumatizing. It's an explanation...not an excuse.
Another example of having a wee bump in the road is my SO and I were playing around, and I took things very literally. I thought he was building up to come over for naked play time. He wasn't, so I shut down again. He genuinely tried to apologize and amend things by coming over. I wouldn't let him because I thought I would appear being manipulative (by having a tantrum). It was a thing, and also insightful. I really hurt his feelings, too.
I also worry about being clingy post SM and I'm glad we don't live together. I've had to learn to practice grace, and I often trip and fall.
It's also important to note that I expected (and want) to have sex all the time. Why not? I have a willing partner who is very sexy, and I love sex, too. That's the way the world works, right? I mean, it seemed like everyone else except me was having sex and intimacy when I was in a SM. Relationships are deeper than that, and very dynamic. My BF writes love letters/poems (yay!), brought me into the fold with his kids (who are really neat), and shows vulnerability in a manly way be sharing what makes him who he is. I moved to a new state to date my BF. I have to be aware that I moved here on my own recognizance. It was a very good decision personally and professionally, and he doesn't owe me. He's not a paramour.
For me, it turned out that my BF and I appreciate each other's qualities, eccentricities, sexuality, values and depth. It is refreshing to date someone who is sexual, and there are risks in a relationship. What I didn't have in my SM was a partner who was willing to listen to me and hear my perspective of our journey. He didn't seem to respond to my needs. And, I kind of think that's what makes my new sex/love life satisfying: BF is wiling to adjust/accommodate to me. The new and interesting dynamic is that my partner is also willing to communicate his opinion.
I want to have fun. I moved to finally start living my life. I don't hinge happiness on my BF...I have ideas and goals that I will succeed at regardless. I have to admit, though, it is a little weird to be starting anew mid-life. If I were still married, I'd be thinking about the fence repairs, potlucks and laundry vs. the next obstacle course race or climbing Mount Shasta. I prefer an active lifestyle. The reward is my friends notice the rewards of an active lifestyle, and I feel like I'm being more authentic.
I think I've always wanted a relationship where I drifted so well with my lover, but it's a lot of work to drift well, too.
On a side note, my job at the non-profit didn't work out. I resigned on my 90-day probationary date. BUT, I was offered a much better job not long after my resignation. The new job is will require momentum to build up to what I'm used to...but it's a much better fit for me and I'm happy about that.
Hugs, PJ
