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Post by sodone1492 on Aug 7, 2016 17:17:11 GMT -5
For those who don't know my story, I was married 16 years, 9 years celibate. I've been divorced - very happily divorced - for roughly 6 months. My third and last affair partner just left his wife...he hasn't had sex with her in 13+ years. We met 3 years ago...we become friends and then lovers. Now we're both single and learning how to have a 'normal' relationship...no hiding. No hotel rooms. It's odd, but nice.
What an unusual love story.
How I wish I left my marriage years and years ago.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2016 21:23:20 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing! This is great. I love to hear from people who find something good on the other side.
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Post by baza on Aug 7, 2016 23:16:09 GMT -5
The carving out of a new life with a new person is an exciting time Sister sodone.
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And the background of having been in an ILIASM shithole is the best possible grounding one can have to help you through the transition.
You've learned so much about relationships and yourself out of your ILIASM experience, that you can hardly be better prepared to participate in a "normal" relationship. All the pitfalls you know already, from bitter experience.
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"Unlearning" the old, learning the "new", growing yourself, nurturing your new deal, all very exciting stuff.
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FWIW, I am 6 years out, still "unlearning" the old at times.
It's been a helluva trip so far.
And so worthwhile.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2016 1:47:48 GMT -5
For those who don't know my story, I was married 16 years, 9 years celibate. I've been divorced - very happily divorced - for roughly 6 months. My third and last affair partner just left his wife...he hasn't had sex with her in 13+ years. We met 3 years ago...we become friends and then lovers. Now we're both single and learning how to have a 'normal' relationship...no hiding. No hotel rooms. It's odd, but nice. What an unusual love story. How I wish I left my marriage years and years ago. It was such a relief not to have to sneak anymore. Even if you have every justification in the world for it, an affair comes at a cost to your integrity because you have to lie and/or sneak to carry it out. It became very troubling to me how easy it became to lie. I don't miss that. Good luck in your journey into normal land, where sex isn't something you spend all your energy trying to extract from someone, where it's not an obsession because you're not in a constant state of starvation. In normal land, sex is just one more part of life (but one of the best parts). |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 8, 2016 4:40:00 GMT -5
I'm so happy for you. Thanks for sharing your happy ending with us.
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Post by sodone1492 on Aug 8, 2016 17:59:05 GMT -5
The carving out of a new life with a new person is an exciting time Sister sodone. - And the background of having been in an ILIASM shithole is the best possible grounding one can have to help you through the transition. You've learned so much about relationships and yourself out of your ILIASM experience, that you can hardly be better prepared to participate in a "normal" relationship. All the pitfalls you know already, from bitter experience. - "Unlearning" the old, learning the "new", growing yourself, nurturing your new deal, all very exciting stuff. - FWIW, I am 6 years out, still "unlearning" the old at times. It's been a helluva trip so far. And so worthwhile. Exiting and scary, Baz. I was married and sexless a looooong time. Glad your experience has been positive..I hope for the same. |
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Post by pfviento on Aug 8, 2016 18:05:14 GMT -5
Very glad to hear that you were able to make the tough decisions and were rewarded for it.
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Post by itsjustus on Aug 11, 2016 14:09:23 GMT -5
The carving out of a new life with a new person is an exciting time Sister sodone. - And the background of having been in an ILIASM shithole is the best possible grounding one can have to help you through the transition. You've learned so much about relationships and yourself out of your ILIASM experience, that you can hardly be better prepared to participate in a "normal" relationship. All the pitfalls you know already, from bitter experience. - "Unlearning" the old, learning the "new", growing yourself, nurturing your new deal, all very exciting stuff. - FWIW, I am 6 years out, still "unlearning" the old at times. It's been a helluva trip so far. And so worthwhile. As counter-intuitive as it seems, I agree completely about having been in a ILIASM shithole as a best possible grounding one can have in this transition to "normal land". Through our bitter experience, we know what it shouldn't be like, a lot, and we won't settle for ANY of that. And while scraping up the nerve to leave my shithole, I took a real hard look at what I wanted, what *I* wanted my normal to be. A list, a literal list, of my needs...in a relationship. In just dreaming about what I wanted, I sorted thru things that could be called "wants"....or were they? No, they were needs. And now, to be able to apply those to an honest and open relationship, with the SM shithole as a backdrop and reminder......I almost feel sorry for couples who DIDNT go thru the SM hell we all did.... Almost..... I'm happy for you, sodone1492, that you can be in a relationship openly to experience it! An unusual, but very rewarding, love story! |
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 11, 2016 14:32:57 GMT -5
itsjustus, I really wonder if - having walked the SM fire - we can ever settle with anyone who hasn't been there too. Only our peers can truly appreciate having a zero tolerance policy on BS and head games. And value intimacy the way we value it, after being deprived for so long. Not that I wish SM on anyone, but I question if someone can possibly hold 'precious' something that they've never lived without.
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Post by itsjustus on Aug 11, 2016 15:14:49 GMT -5
itsjustus , I really wonder if - having walked the SM fire - we can ever settle with anyone who hasn't been there too. Only our peers can truly appreciate having a zero tolerance policy on BS and head games. And value intimacy the way we value it, after being deprived for so long. Not that I wish SM on anyone, but I question if someone can possibly hold 'precious' something that they've never lived without. DryCreek, I wonder the same thing as well. Honestly? I don't think we could settle for anyone who hasn't "been there, done that". At least I can't imagine it. I am involved in a relationship with "one of our peers" and there are no head games, no BS to even have a zero tolerance of! I'm sure if there were, it sure isn't going to be SM related!
But what you say about the value of intimacy....the way WE hold it so precious.....That, my friend, is the benefit. Not only do we all know exactly...bitterly...what it feels like to live without a trace of it, but the sweet gift of giving it and getting it in return is just.....well...almost overwhelming. I looked thru some of my old EP story's the other day, reading where I was trying to save my marriage, and it was a shocking reminder of just how different my life is now...(like sodone1492 says "I've been divorced - very happily divorced...") And now....I have this incredible feeling of loving intimacy in my life?? I wouldn't wish a day of a SM on anyone, let alone the 32 years I went thru...or the years my SO has gone thru....so many wasted years....
But there are times when the intimacy she and I share makes us just look at each other and say "Wow.....just....wow"
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 11, 2016 16:58:39 GMT -5
itsjustus... "So many years wasted..." So, so true. I catch myself thinking "Next time I'll know better..." and then I realize *there is no next time*! We get one shot at life. It counts or it doesn't. We make the most of it, or we waste it. All the years that have been wasted at less than their fullest. It seems almost criminal to let it continue when you know it shouldn't.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2016 17:25:34 GMT -5
itsjustus, I really wonder if - having walked the SM fire - we can ever settle with anyone who hasn't been there too. Only our peers can truly appreciate having a zero tolerance policy on BS and head games. And value intimacy the way we value it, after being deprived for so long. Not that I wish SM on anyone, but I question if someone can possibly hold 'precious' something that they've never lived without. I think anyone who has been victimized or taken advantage of can adopt a zero tolerance policy after they find their way out. That includes this group. Because God forbid I should blame the victim but many of us do or did play an enabling role in digging our shithole. And once you realize that, you realize you have the power to keep it from happening again. |
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 11, 2016 18:33:39 GMT -5
@phinheasgage, yes, I agree that most of us have been complicit in our own situations - they may have dug the hole, but we let it happen by being too tolerant and not nearly selfish enough.
To be self-critical, the fact that I didn't intervene sooner is one of the big mental barriers to changing now - not only did I allow it to happen, but i allowed it to become a solidly established way of life.
As is too often after a tragedy, the motto becomes "never again".
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 20, 2016 19:30:02 GMT -5
For those who don't know my story, I was married 16 years, 9 years celibate. I've been divorced - very happily divorced - for roughly 6 months. My third and last affair partner just left his wife...he hasn't had sex with her in 13+ years. We met 3 years ago...we become friends and then lovers. Now we're both single and learning how to have a 'normal' relationship...no hiding. No hotel rooms. It's odd, but nice. What an unusual love story. How I wish I left my marriage years and years ago. Sodone1492 - I am so happy to hear your update! Thrilled! (I never thought your AP would leave his wife - sitting over here only reading snippets, I just assumed it would not happen - as if it could be "too good to hope for" and I am SO happy that I was wrong about that!) Thank you for helping drain, deplete, weaken my cynicism!!! |
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