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Post by obobfla on Jun 28, 2016 22:23:08 GMT -5
GeekGoddess, I think you will be fine and a little richer in spirit. The man served his purpose of helping you find your feminine soul again. Now you have it, and you don't need anything from him other than friendship and memories. I went through a similar experience with my first AP, although not as painful. I miss her, but I am glad she was in my life. I don't regret a thing.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 28, 2016 22:07:06 GMT -5
Neotericgal, I almost think it is worse than if he complained about something such as you gaining weight (not that you have, just an example). It's like he can't be honest and open with you or he thinks you can't handle the truth. Stress? The best way I know to relieve stress is to get naked and have sex. You have every right to confront him about his feelings. He's hiding something, and it might be something from himself. He may not have another woman, but he's not with you. For whatever reason, he's not trusting you either.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 28, 2016 21:36:50 GMT -5
Hey Neotericgal, sorry for your situation. Sounds like it's time to take your husband to your local home improvement store and back to the lumber department. Help him pick out a nice 2x4, then swing it upside his head! Normally, I would say he is depressed, but he says everything is fine. ED? Maybe, but I am doubtful. He just plain doesn't care. He won't even tell you what's wrong. I begged my wife to see a gynecologist, but she wouldn't. I am packing my parachute to make the jump. It sounds like you are well on your way, too. Congratulations on finishing school. You are more than in the right place.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 28, 2016 20:50:39 GMT -5
Hallelujah!
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Post by obobfla on Jun 28, 2016 17:16:33 GMT -5
Nothing gets me moving like this song:
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Post by obobfla on Jun 28, 2016 12:04:37 GMT -5
- The anecdotal evidence in this group (and the old EP group) is that there is a huge gender imbalance when it comes to leaving an unhappy marriage. Out of every 6 people who DO leave, 5 of them are women. Blokes are 5 times less likely to leave. - That's a pretty intense statistic! Are males more comfortable with physical rejection? Stereotypes aren't suppose to still exist but I know as a woman it seems less acceptable to have the male spouse be non sexual. So, I am asking my SP if there are other women he is involved with. Funny how I have no problem confronting him with the tough questions but still cannot seem to broach the subject of the lack of sex with spouse and subsequent personal feeling of wanting to crawl up a wall backwards while spinning my head around in circles. My concern with the conversation now is I am afraid if confronted I will confess to outsourcing (great term btw). In fact I might loudly yell it like "of course I cheated!!!" "WTF did you think would happen?" Why do more males stay? I am not sure, but I have dealt with the morality of divorcing versus staying and outsourcing. My wife cannot support herself. She is on disability and cannot hold a job, at least one that would support her without public assistance. Either I pay her alimony at a rate I can't afford, or I leave her in poverty. But if I stay, she has a roof over her head and food on the table. I don't have to pay for two places to live. I don't need to shuttle my son between her place and my place. And I don't have to worry about how she is. We may not be in love, but I do care for her a lot. But that would be great if all I wanted was a sexual relationship with someone else. While I am not totally against a FWB, I would like something more. And I think the women that would be interested in me would prefer that I did not have a wife. That is why I am considering divorce.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 27, 2016 7:33:19 GMT -5
I hope somebody takes your daughter out so she can play in the mud or hang around animals. She needs to get dirty and realize that it is normal. She is 15, and she has never played in the mud. Hanging around animals is one of the things I would like to do with her. There is a long list of things she should be able to do. I can't take her out without her dad, he obstructs everything. MAJOR RED FLAG! A father who does not allow his wife alone time with their daughter is abusing both. Call a lawyer immediately!
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Post by obobfla on Jun 26, 2016 17:07:39 GMT -5
She takes her meds religiously. She is better than taking meds than I am. I did try to Baker Act her once years ago, but they said that she did not need hospitalization. She does fight her illness, although I wish she fought harder at times.
What is "better?" I am still defining it. Since the appointment, her head is coming out of the sand a bit. She has paid more attention to my son and me. There is progress for now. But I need to see if the progress holds. She has backslid before.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 26, 2016 16:03:44 GMT -5
What bballgirl said. Ditto. obobfla did you interview the marriage therapist before starting therapy? You know that there is no "one size fits all" approach. But, as bballgirl said, at the next session, provide your non-negotiables. What are your "must-have" from therapy? Don't assume that your w is going to "know" anything, if you don't clearly articulate it. And, what is your timeline for therapy? Six months, another year, five years, etc. I will provide my non-negotiables next session. Here is what I want. I would like my wife to communicate with me better, but I doubt that will happen. So the next best thing is to smooth out a path to eventual separation. If there is not any meaningful progress after three or four sessions, I will see an attorney.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 26, 2016 14:28:40 GMT -5
I hope somebody takes your daughter out so she can play in the mud or hang around animals. She needs to get dirty and realize that it is normal.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 26, 2016 11:56:06 GMT -5
I am not sure if this will work with your husband, but the best way to communicate with severely mentally ill people is the LEAP method. It's a method developed by Dr. Xavier Amador that helps calm down the patient. The problem with someone mentally ill is that logic and reason do not work. What the patient thinks it real is not what we think as real. Therefore, we have to recognize their reality before they can acknowledge yours. LEAP is an anagram for Listen, Empathize, Agree, and Partner: - Listen actively: "I hear you are upset about your medicine's side effect."
- Empathize: "I can see that will upset you. I would be upset too."
- Agree: "But if you can take your medicine (go to therapy), we can all live better."
- Partner: "I will watch for the side effects and talk to your doctor to see what can be done."
Here is the website: dramador.com/the-leap-institute/It is easier said then done, believe me. It took me a lot of practice. But I have found it so much more effective than trying to explain reality to my wife. When my wife is down, I talk about my depression experiences, and she relates. In my area, police officers are trained in this method for use in dealing with mentally ill offenders. Thanks to our lack of funding for mental health services, it often falls on the police to handle the seriously mentally ill. If they used traditional police methods of establishing control, those methods would backfire and put both the officer and the mentally ill patient at risk. tamara68, I am concerned for your daughter in that she is entrapped by him. Hopefully, she realizes that her dad's behavior is not the norm.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 25, 2016 13:04:08 GMT -5
Thanks, adventuraI went through individual counseling already. Dealing with my wife's mental illness, I alternated between anger and guilt - anger over her behavior and guilt for getting angry over her illness. With the help of the counselor, I was able to get over the guilt and realize I deserved better.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 25, 2016 12:46:16 GMT -5
adventura, I can relate. My wife is mentally ill, and I worry what would happen if I left her. But I've said this many times - It's not anyone's fault if they get a cold. But it is their fault if they start sneezing and coughing on everyone. I can be a friend to my wife and help her out. But I don't have to be married to her. Right now, I cannot afford a divorce. I am trying counseling. I doubt that will resolve our marriage problems, but it can pave a way to a life apart from her.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 25, 2016 12:25:42 GMT -5
Glad you are here, adventura. As we men do not come with instruction manuals and he is not responding to your most effective tools (your mind and body), why are you still trying to fix him?
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Post by obobfla on Jun 25, 2016 8:56:54 GMT -5
obobfla , therapy can be hit-and-miss. There are probably as many techniques as there are therapists, and many won't be a fit for your issues. We tried a "marriage counselor" once whose only technique was to facilitate conversation between me and W. Pissed me off. W and I talk plenty at home; we didn't need Marriage Communications 101 - we needed guidance in solving a complex problem, and this therapist treated us like newlyweds who didn't know how to express their feelings. Perhaps the most important value in a therapist is to find one that has credibility with your wife. Not someone that caters to her, but someone she will seriously listen to. And perhaps a way you can still use this therapist to your benefit... Unload the baggage. Get it all out on the table, with all 3 of you in the room. Be blunt about being so frustrated that you're on the cusp of leaving her. And good luck squeezing it all into 45 minutes. As you're starting to see, perhaps your wife will listen more sincerely to your issues in that forum, where she doesn't give your complaints merit in a private setting. FWIW, DC That is what I am thinking. My wife has a hard time opening up. It takes awhile for anyone to get her trust, which is what I believe the therapist was doing. But if in doing so, she ignores my years of frustration, then she isn't the right therapist for me.
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