sarah
New Member
Posts: 14
|
Post by sarah on Nov 11, 2017 17:16:03 GMT -5
He wants to make things up with me now and has offered sex. Part of me is filled with hope and the other part is upset thinking is this what I have to do to get sex from my husband? Get angry, argue and cry because of the times he has let me down in regards to this.
Thank you for all the support on here. It makes a huge difference and I had no idea there were so many of us going through the same miserable thing.
|
|
sarah
New Member
Posts: 14
|
Post by sarah on Nov 11, 2017 3:12:42 GMT -5
Just had a blazing row with him. Apparently it was my fault for not going to his room to fetch him for sex. I didn’t go to his room because he had already fallen asleep. He now says it’s my fault because I said no the last few times. I have said no because I am sick and tired of being rejected over and over. But this has given him ammunition against me. He had told me previously don’t approach me for sex, I will approach you. Then he actually didn’t and if he did suggest sex he fell asleep before anything could happen.
Now everything feels bad because we have argued. He has walked off. Didn’t bother addressing anything. Didn’t respond to me saying I want sex somewhere else. He just doesn’t care. He thinks he cares because he makes me cups of tea and buys me things.
|
|
sarah
New Member
Posts: 14
|
Post by sarah on Nov 10, 2017 17:21:43 GMT -5
He said we would have sex tonight after I told him I would remarry only for sex this morning.
It’s late now and no sign of him. Why do I bother to get my hopes up? Surely I should know better by now
|
|
sarah
New Member
Posts: 14
|
Post by sarah on Nov 5, 2017 14:48:20 GMT -5
apocrypha: I don’t know what I am going to do. I was grateful for any occasional scraps of sex I got. I am a counter refuser now. We have a good bond in every other respect. I have been with him for 22 years. I can’t contemplate a life without him. I want him to give me permission to look elsewhere but I am too scared to ask.
Chris2020: I think I have gone beyond that stage now. I don’t think I want sex with him anymore after being rejected so many times. Problem is that I tasted proper desire with someone else, and that made me temporarily happy but ultimately plunged me into further depression as it gave me a taste of what is no longer in my lfe. I can no longer think logically about this whole thing anymore.
|
|
sarah
New Member
Posts: 14
|
Post by sarah on Oct 29, 2017 15:08:21 GMT -5
Thanks for the understanding and sympathy miles2go, h and northstarmom.
It seems to be everywhere today, kissing hugging couples. It used to make me happy seeing them but now I feel so unhappy as it is a reminder of my life which contains none of that apart from a perfunctory peck on the cheek.
If only I could turn the desire and longing off then I would find it easier to cope.
I have become a counter refuser now. I can’t take him seriously when he offers anyway. Doesn’t follow through and I just lie there disappointed like I do every night.
|
|
sarah
New Member
Posts: 14
|
Post by sarah on Oct 29, 2017 6:52:12 GMT -5
Sometimes I am managing ok then something sets me off. The other day it was seeing durex in the supermarket that said ‘lovesex’.
I thought I love sex then I felt miserable and depressed, I couldn’t leave fast enough.
|
|
sarah
New Member
Posts: 14
|
Post by sarah on Oct 26, 2017 16:30:49 GMT -5
Apocrypha - it is like being with an ex spouse. It is amicable. I read someone describing it on this forum as roommates. That’s what we are. He will make me a cup of tea, do household chores, be a good father but that’s it. We go to our separate rooms every evening. He treats me well, and is kind, generous and supportive. It makes it harder to leave as I am not being treated badly. But then I am being treated badly because he ignores my desires and needs.
He is now saying I refused sex because when he offered it, I said what’s the point anymore? And that I have given up.
I didn’t even bother to argue with him
|
|
sarah
New Member
Posts: 14
|
Post by sarah on Oct 23, 2017 14:44:24 GMT -5
h - you didn’t cause more pain. It was more the realisation. The fact that my husband doesn’t see it as a gift. I think I have suppressed my feelings for so long I no longer realise how bad it is. Almost feel like I am in survival mode. I am ok if I don’t talk about it, but when I do that is when the realisation hits me and it’s very depressing
|
|
sarah
New Member
Posts: 14
|
Post by sarah on Oct 23, 2017 8:40:24 GMT -5
That makes me so upset the way you phrased that he is throwing away an amazing gift h
If I think about it that way, it makes me feel more devastated.
I remember watching a passionate sex scene in a film years ago and I cried so much afterwards because that is no longer in my life.
A few months ago we went on holiday, of course there was no sex on holiday, I even told my husband that I would marry again after he dies and that I would only remarry for sex. Did that make any difference to him wanting me in anyway? No
|
|
sarah
New Member
Posts: 14
|
Post by sarah on Oct 22, 2017 17:16:37 GMT -5
Things aren’t any different not that I expected them to be.
Husband took me out for lunch about 2 weeks ago. Said at the end that we would have sex soon. I just said yeah right. I was correct, nothing happened,
Just had evening out together. Came home, he suggested sex. I told him I have given up. We don’t do that anymore. He said he doesn’t want to argue. He said he would. Then he fell asleep in front of the tv. I just ran to my room (separate bedrooms) closed the door and turned the light off.
In tears now, why does he keep saying we will and then not following through? I would rather that he wouldn’t try than giving me false hopes not that I believe in the hopes anymore. That part of my life is over. He doesn’t like me saying I am not interested anymore. But I should just wait around for months until he finally wants to?
|
|
sarah
New Member
Posts: 14
|
Post by sarah on Oct 11, 2017 16:23:34 GMT -5
Hey, sarah . My condolences regarding your situation. We all have different reasons for taking the path we do. A year ago, going outside my marriage was unthinkable. It is not, any more, and I have no remorse over it. Marriage is a contract, and part of that is "to have and to hold." Since your spouse refuses to have and hold, the contract is broken, so, does "forsaking all others" still apply? Thank you ironhamster. For years going outside my marriage was unthinkable also, but I feel like I have been driven to this. I also feel no remorse at having met another man even though it was just once. I feel like it gave me a taste of what I can't have. I know I have choices and I don't have to stay like this but my confidence has hit rock bottom after being rejected over and over for years. Should I break up my family because of lack of sex? I may not get it anywhere else either if I leave. Life is passing by, I am getting older, who would be interested in me? I only ever had sex with my husband. Not making much sense here, feeling very emotional.
|
|
sarah
New Member
Posts: 14
|
Post by sarah on Oct 11, 2017 14:03:08 GMT -5
Thank you so much to everyone who has responded and I am in tears with the kind words and support offered to me here.
To answer some of the questions:
My child is 8
My husband has used porn a lot in the past, promised to give it up but then kept going back to it. I think he prefers it to any sexual contact with me. He says he doesn't masturbate. I don't know. He sleeps separately to me so I have no idea what he does or doesn't do
I have tried to talk to him several times about the lack of sex. I have cried, begged, humiliated myself, said I want sex with other men. He makes false promises, and then it is back to nothing. The last argument we had, I said I don't believe him anymore.
Reset sex - he has done this to keep me quiet. I get my hopes up thinking we will have be having sex regularly again and then bang back to nothing.
He has suffered with erectile dysfunction but with taking medication, it has vastly improved things. Clearly not enough to make him want sex with me.
He doesn't want to divorce me. He wants to stay in a sexless marriage with me.
The only option I can see is to stay in the marriage but look elsewhere. But I know in my heart that is not the answer. It doesn't sit right with my conscience.
|
|
sarah
New Member
Posts: 14
|
Post by sarah on Oct 10, 2017 16:13:42 GMT -5
I have been married to my husband for 15 years. It is mostly a happy marriage. As I have reached my forties, my sex drive has rocketed. In some sort of cruel twist of fate, my husbands sex drive appears to be zero. It has been dwindling for years. Requests for sex would be met with falling asleep, agreeing and then falling asleep, calling me a silly teenager, rolling his eyes at me. Still I was stupid and kept asking him for sex. Often it wasn't great but it felt better than nothing. Even that dwindled away. It got to the point where I told him I wanted to look for other men. He said he would make an effort. Tiny bit of effort and then back to nothing again. Even went on holiday for two weeks to a beautiful hot country, guess what? No sex. He won't even share a bed with me. Hasn't throughout our whole marriage.
I started chatting online to other men. Met a young man. We didn't have penetrative sex but kissed and did other things. I thought it would help. It felt wonderful to be desired but this was a mistake as now I just realised what I have been missing. I also can't handle sex without feelings. I have just made my situation worse.
I have been looking thoroughly miserable lately and he actually noticed, I told him it was the lack of sex. He offered sex, and I told him no. I don't know whether I just wanted to punish him for rejecting and ignoring my desires for years. He has just pretended nothing has happened and it is back to sexless marriage again.
Finding it difficult to carry on, not in a financial position to leave and also have a young child.
I dont even bother touching myself anymore, thinking I should just accept this is my life now. Keep telling myself sex is for other people, not for me. If I keep wanting it, it will just destroy me. But this is making me die inside as well.
|
|