pixie
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Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Oct 2, 2017 22:25:36 GMT -5
baza ๐ No! But whoโs the narcissist?๐ค Quite confuse here.๐คฆ๐ปโโ๏ธ
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Oct 2, 2017 21:59:06 GMT -5
h how different am I from you? I donโt have a -A as far as I can remember and havenโt looked up what ISTJ means.
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Oct 1, 2017 22:35:51 GMT -5
I was an ISTJ( not sure if itโs still accurate). I forgot what it meant but I couldnโt forget I had the same personality type as George Washington. ๐ Iโll probably look this up. Also, Iโm a Leo and H a Libra.
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Sept 14, 2017 13:50:53 GMT -5
Hi CarisThere are people who live double lives. Virtual reality is a great place for them to create this perfect persona. When you resort to online dating, you have to be aware and be prepared to deal with these kind of people. It's the risk you take and it's part of the game. But not all are impostors, there are a few that are true, it just needs time and quite a bit of sifting to find them. ๐ We all are beautiful in our own ways, it's just that when we are going through challenging times we feel ugly. The beautiful part of us takes a backseat and needs time and healing to be revealed again. You are what you feel, perhaps for now you need to feel that way to eventually unravel a better if not the best version of you. You can always make your next chapter a beautiful story.๐ Good luck!๐
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Sept 13, 2017 7:56:03 GMT -5
Hi WindSister, Unfortunately, I think we are if I base it on how much selfies I see on social media and how much is being shared. Most times, it's beyond TMI . I am not very active in my social media accounts. I use it to communicate with family/relatives most of the time. I delete or unfollow those who bombard my feed negativity and endless selfies.๐ I take a reboot every now and again, a digital detox. It's nice to be off it for a month or a few weeks. ๐
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Sept 13, 2017 7:39:16 GMT -5
Hi mrslowmaintenance, To be given an ultimatum is unfair and creates even more pressure to an already fragile situation. If that was me, I will not choose, I will not be told what to do and what my options should be. I need to have my own options to present and make a compromise. If I cant reach any, I will have to regroup, weigh the pros and cons taking into consideration my child and other aspects of it, make a decision and stand by it. It takes two people to make a marriage work. It takes a joint effort, one will never be enough. I wish you well and good luck. ๐
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Sept 11, 2017 21:22:24 GMT -5
Hi itme, I have started this journey a few years back and now I'm in a better place in terms of dealing with my emotions. Good on you for doing so. I found that being more positive helps a lot in dealing with a negative situation. ๐
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Sept 7, 2017 22:11:09 GMT -5
Thank you, itme! I will keep that in mind.๐ As you know, it takes a lot of time, hard work, humility, commitment and respect to get to where we are. The work is never done, but it is what it is. Ditto itme's comments. If you have honest, open communication, you have something that nearly everyone here doesn't have from their spouse. Treasure it. And thank you for being tolerant because your situation is quite different than the typical situations here. BTW, depending on your jurisdiction, a Living Trust is a far better tool than will + probate. No probate tax. No probate delays. Worth exploring. Thank you, DryCreek . ๐ I appreciate the suggestion re: living trust. I will tell H.
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Sept 7, 2017 21:46:57 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, appreciate it. Being able to communicate openly with H helps with the negative emotions. I understand the lack of self-worth and resentment, I started that way. Im in a better place now in terms of those 2, but like most things it is still a constant work in progress. I have my bad days and good days. I have learned to take 1 day at a time and pursuing other interests that makes me happy helps in a lot of ways. I agree with you when it comes to FWB.It is not for me even if they say its a safer option. To me the less personal information shared/exchanged the better it is. I haven't pursued outsourcing actively and have mixed emotions about it. I reckon, I'd cross the bridge when I get there. God what I wouldn't give for open communication. It seems a lot of us here can only seem to have open communication about the kids and what's for dinner. So if some of us misunderstand you, please know it's simply because we don't understand. Thank you, itme! I will keep that in mind.๐ As you know, it takes a lot of time, hard work, humility, commitment and respect to get to where we are. The work is never done, but it is what it is.
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Sept 7, 2017 17:08:52 GMT -5
pixie, I can understand why you would not want a divorce. I've resisted divorce too, basically because my wife could not survive on her own and I can't afford two places. However, I have encountered two problems that are very common to many in this group. The first is the lack self worth. I can't help but wonder why my wife isn't attracted to me, and my male ego takes a dive. Fortunately, I have had two affairs. Both were with attractive women who thought I was attractive too. It may be wrong, but the affairs are what I needed. The second is the resentment I feel towards my wife. She is normally a sweet person. But I really resent how her fears have affected our sex life. When I am not angry, I am distant from her. Any desire I have had for her has left. It's just too frustrating to pursue a sexual relationship with her. I told her she would have to initiate sex, because I won't anymore. There are other issues as well, especially her physical and mental health. But both the resentment and the damage to the ego have weighed on me and affected all parts of my life. I need friends, both sexual and otherwise, to maintain my own mental health. As for affair partners (APs for newcomers), I cannot see having one with anyone who is either a friend or fast becoming one. Not only is there too much risk involved with someone I can't trust, but the sex consistently gets better with a friend. One of my APs had an autistic child as I do, and we helped each other through that. In fact, we still do even though we are no longer in a sexual relationship. I must point out that my APs have never lived in the same town as me. We met on weekends, where we told our spouses we were going to "conferences." Thankfully, these "conferences" were great learning experiences! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, appreciate it. Being able to communicate openly with H helps with the negative emotions. I understand the lack of self-worth and resentment, I started that way. Im in a better place now in terms of those 2, but like most things it is still a constant work in progress. I have my bad days and good days. I have learned to take 1 day at a time and pursuing other interests that makes me happy helps in a lot of ways. I agree with you when it comes to FWB.It is not for me even if they say its a safer option. To me the less personal information shared/exchanged the better it is. I haven't pursued outsourcing actively and have mixed emotions about it. I reckon, I'd cross the bridge when I get there.
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Sept 7, 2017 16:47:10 GMT -5
Pixie, I, too spent impulsively when I was in my sm. It was a passive aggressive way of demonstrating anger at my refuser. Once I decided to divorce and started the paperwork, my financial impulsivity stopped. I spent impulsively even when I was single, even before I met him.
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Sept 7, 2017 15:03:59 GMT -5
That's amazing @smarkat ! ๐๐Good to read a post like this, very positive and inspiring. Keep it up!๐
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Sept 7, 2017 10:09:43 GMT -5
pixie , there is great advice and support for you in this thread. The remarks by baza are quite pertinent. Your financial situation per your own admission is precarious. I cleared this out in a couple of posts ahead.Often in this forum we suggest counseling to address relationship issues. The same advise can be applied to financial issues. You can seek guidance as to why you are bad with money and techniques to become good with money. In your large city there is a plethora of available services in many price ranges. Agreed, please read previous post for reference.
Your daughter is 15 and will soon be dealing with her own sexuality. What advise would you give her if she ends up involved with someone who is asexual? Is that the same advise you should be giving yourself? Yes, it's the same advise.
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Sept 7, 2017 10:03:18 GMT -5
I'll pass on commenting on your marital situation Sister pixie . Thank you, LOL! You seem fairly financially oblivious at the moment, so I offer you this. Not really, but thank you.
Unless you and your spouse are immortal, your marriage IS going to end. TrueDeath or divorce will end your marriage. TrueSo whether your marriage is "made in heaven" or "a complete shambles", it is imperative that you know what you would do and how you would do it when you find yourself not married. Agreed and aware, Helped my aunt with probate court etc. when her husband died so I have an idea.You need to know YOUR financial position, your spouses financial position, and the joint financial position. I do, I am aware and made aware.You need to know how things would shake out for you in the event of you suddenly finding yourself not married. Yes, I knowThis, is a responsibility of any adult person and you need to get pro-active about it, irrespective of what your marriage is like. Financial knowledge and independence is a *must have*. A greed. When I say I am bad with money, it means that i spend impulsively. It does not mean that I am oblivious regarding my and our financial status. When my husband took care of the finances, he increased the value of my financial portfolio and more financially savvy than I am. I know what I have, what I will get and what I should get in case of divorce or death. He was able to help me put aside money for my daughter's education which was great. It makes more sense for him to do it. This is even more important when the marriage is shakey, as your risk of the marriage ending in divorce is greatly increased. It is critical that you garner the knowledge of how such an event would - theoretically - shake out for you. You need to know how your spouses death would shake out for you. The will, will take care of that.You need to know who'd get what of your assets if it is you who croaks first. My husband has more assets than I do.You need to know how your kid would be affected by such events too. TrueSuggestion. Gather up as much of the financial information as you can. I have, I know all our financial information/status, individually and as a family. And see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to run those 3 scenarios past her/him (a) - your death - will(b) - your spouses death - will(c) - divorce - pre-nup
As far as your marriage goes, who knows how it will pan out. There is bugger all that you can do about your spouses issues as they are matters beyond your control. But you CAN start gathering the financial information and putting some contingency plans together to cover the above scenarios. That IS a matter you can control. Thank you, I just realized I knew more than I thought I've known.
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pixie
Junior Member
Posts: 40
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Post by pixie on Sept 7, 2017 9:41:01 GMT -5
I recently turned 40, H is mid 50โs. Weโve been together for 10 years, dated 3 and married 7. We had sex a few times while dating and none after getting married. I cannot exactly pinpoint the reason for the sexlessness, it maybe medical and we both think he is asexual, because there is no desire sexually. Heโs been on beta blockers for too long and heโs had some heart issues. He was prescribed testosterone, and ed medication, but nothing changed. He doesnโt want to do counseling, it makes no difference to me really whether we go or not. This paragraph speaks volumes. He had sex with you before you married, then refused after. This gave you a false impression that you would have some sex during the relationship. Basically, he lied to you to get you to marry him. Hmmm, he did not refuse. We tried did not work.You don't walk in my shoes so perhaps we can tone down the prejudice. It is NOT your job to pinpoint the reason for the sexlessness. It is his job to find out and do something about it. If he is not, he is cheating you out of the most basic part of marriage. We don't work on I's or YOU's all the time in our relationship. We work on WE, passive aggressive, blaming and other negativity will not help us.Ok, he was prescribed meds for testosterone & ED. Is he taking them? If he is, has he spoken to a doctor about why they are not working? Yes & yesThe fact that he doesn't want to do counseling is the most troublesome. This means that he does not care that you are deprived and miserable. He refuses to even talk about possible solution with a disinterested third party. Didn't bother me, didn't find it troublesome. Please read my previous posts, you will find that I mentioned we communicate openly, discussed different options, so no refusing whatsoever. I chose not to engage in FWB or anything of that sort.
And yes, I read that you don't think you are good with money. This can be remedied. You can educate yourself and become better with money. If anyone else can do it, so can you. When I say I am not good with money, I meant I spend impulsively. But this does not mean I don't know anything about it. It's just ever since we got together my financial portfolios tripled and became better. I know what I have and what I will get and should get in case of divorce.
I am glad you are here. Thank you
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