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Post by dazednconfused on Aug 27, 2017 11:25:15 GMT -5
First, I have mucho RESPECT and GRATITUDE to all of you for responding and offering your sincere thoughts and advice!! It really helps to share my situation with people who can relate and care. Bballgirl suggested that our "love languages" may no longer be compatible ... this is something that our last therapist indicated and a pastor at our church even gave us the Love Languages book several years ago. I did not pay too much attention to the concept of love languages before, but maybe the universe is trying to tell me something! I have taken the book off the shelf and read through it again. If my wife is unable or unwilling to speak my love language, we will still be at the same crossroads, however, this may provide a context for a productive conversation between us. I may bring this up to her again today and see where that leads.
Thanks bballgirl for bringing this back to my attention!
I will respond again in a day or two and let you know how things are.
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Post by dazednconfused on Aug 25, 2017 16:49:58 GMT -5
I am new to this forum and I was encouraged to repost my introductory story here to gain more insights and to provide some updates as things progress.
I am a 58-year old man who has been married for 35 years. During the first 23 years of marriage, we made love at least 2 or 3 times per month and I was always the pursuer. Then, my wife's sexual desire totally disappeared and I found myself having sex with a "corpse". I heard this referred to as "starfish sex" on this forum. Her arms and legs limp on the bed, no eye contact... just waiting for it to be over... We were no longer "making love". Rather, she was just yielding her body to be my source of gratification. Whenever I asked why she had no desire, there was always an excuse that has changed many times over the years. For the last 10 years, there has been no sex at all and I have been masturbating. It feels like there is an unspoken understanding that my wife realizes I must be masturbating and prefers this so I don't bother her for sex any more.
We have had many discussions regarding this, some very heated. These discussions are always initiated by me but they lead nowhere. We have been to counseling twice, but neither time has helped. I am reaching the conclusion that things will never change and sadly, the comments on this forum reinforce the reality that things will not change.
Other than the lack of sex, we actually have a pretty good relationship. We raised three children who are all out of the house in houses of their own. Financially, things are pretty solid. We have good friends and I am sure that people view us as a great couple. We never fight about anything other then the lack of sex. She claims she has never had an affair and she claims she is not gay and I believe her on both counts.
How does this happen? Doesn't everyone need love and intimacy? Isn't the drive for sex greater than the drive for food and sleep?! I have been a model husband, and father. I am athletic, in excellent health and in great shape for a 58-year old. What gives?
Do I remain in a sexless marriage and accept this as my "cross to bear"? I don't believe that masturbation is an appropriate way to express one's sexuality and this is getting boring. Do I remain in a sexless marriage and cheat? This sounds inviting but could have bad consequences. Do I divorce my wife and find happiness with another woman? If I left her, the divorce would be contentious and our children, friends and relatives would likely blame me for the breakup. When I have brought up the subject of divorce, she is strongly against this and contends that we can work through our issues, but nothing ever changes.
It seems like I am trying to decide between multiple bad choices (including the choice to stay the course!) I am extremely frustrated and at a crossroads.
I keep waiting for another alternative, but the days, weeks and months continue on with no change. Please know that it really helps me to write all of this down to people that understand what I am going through! I don't expect people on this forum to provide any quick answers to my questions, but I would like to continue to engage with the people here to gain wisdom, understanding and guidance!!
Thanks for reading and listening!!!
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Post by dazednconfused on Aug 24, 2017 17:23:03 GMT -5
...it is disturbing to know that so many people suffer from a spouse with no desire!... ...Whenever I asked why she had no desire, there was always an excuse that has changed many times over the years... ...my wife realizes I must be masturbating and prefers this... ...These discussions are always initiated by me but they lead nowhere... ...We have been to counseling twice, but neither has helped... ...I am reaching the conclusion that things will never change... ...I am extremely frustrated and at a crossroads... ...When I have brought up the subject of divorce, she is strongly against this and contends that we can work through our issues, but nothing ever changes... ...I keep waiting for another alternative, but the days, weeks and months continue on with no change... "Other than the lack of sex, we actually have a pretty good relationship" Welcome dazednconfused ! We have a lot in common. So basically, everything's great bar the sex, right? This is the song we sing when we come here. I did, anyway. It is so easy to lump suffering in with just a lack of sex. And excuses. Avoidance. Communication problems. Lack of empathy. Misunderstandings. Resistance to change. Despondency. Extreme frustration. Serious contemplations of divorce. Despair. Other than the lack of sex, we actually have a pretty good relationship. If you could leave your wife for a woman who could give you all these things PLUS all the hot sex you wanted, would you do it? Padgemi - Interesting question. I would prefer a dissolution to our marriage that is mutual. If she agreed that a divorce is the best option, then I would do it. However, it looks like a divorce would have to be something I have to drive and it will likely get ugly. I need to have more discussions with her on this. How did things get resolved with you?
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Post by dazednconfused on Aug 24, 2017 17:02:51 GMT -5
I'd suggest that you sweep up those references as to what is morally right (or wrong), put them in a box and place the box out in the garage. Then, take a cold hard objective look at the facts of your situation. You've got three choices #1 - stay in your marriage, and try and control the resentment levels you feel #2 - stay in your marriage and cheat #3 - leave your marriage These are all perfectly legitimate options. Most members here opt for #1 until their position becomes untenable. Some members here opt for #2 and that invariably produces some "interesting" and messy outcomes Some members here opt for #3 None of these options have any moral superiority over the others. They are all perfectly legitimate options with their respective up (and down) sides. These situations are NOT about morals, they are about choices. And lucky *you* get to make the choice, and get to wear the consequences of your choice. Your present choice is #1. Staying with that choice is perfectly valid. Checking out the other options is just as valid. Baza - Thanks for replying! I believe I am at that "untenable" position of the masturbation phase. I just can't go on like this. I am at the crossroads and must make a tough choice. Thanks for your support!
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Post by dazednconfused on Aug 24, 2017 16:53:11 GMT -5
Flashjohn- thanks for your "welcome" and your advice! At this point, I agree that I must confront her on the things you mention and see where this leads. I will start a thread in the SM section and continue the dialogue there. Thanks!
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Post by dazednconfused on Aug 24, 2017 16:47:43 GMT -5
Welcome dazednconfused . I am not sure what to tell you, but my situation was very similar. I was with my refuser for 28 years, and left when she told me that this was just the way it was going to be. My joke of a marriage was totally sexless for the last 6 years. I want to tell you some things: 1- Your W needs to have her hormones checked and consider bioidentical hormones. See if this product has a doctor in your area biote.com Don't trust any doctor that says she is in "normal range." She probably needs some hormones. 2 - Insist on talking about this with her. Let her know in no uncertain terms that the marriage is in serious jeopardy. 3 - You need to ejaculate on a regular basis. Your prostate will not be healthy unless it is emptied regularly. You are increasing your risk of prostate cancer. 4 - As for divorce, don't be too sure that friends & relatives will blame you. I felt the same way, but after I told them that I had not had sex in 6 years, they completely understood. Even the leaders at my church were very supportive. I suggest you start a thread in the SM issues section. Tell your entire story & read the comments. I am certain you will find some insights there. Also, there is a link to my blog below. I wrote it during my process starting in 2015. It may help a bit.
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Post by dazednconfused on Aug 23, 2017 10:58:48 GMT -5
Wow. I read all the introduction stories and responses over the past week and man, I can relate! On one hand, it is comforting to know that I am not the only one going through this and on the other hand, it is disturbing to know that so many people suffer from a spouse with no desire!
I am a 58-year old man who has been married for 35 years. During the first 23 years of marriage, we made love at least 2 or 3 times per month and I was always the pursuer. Then, my wife's sexual desire totally disappeared and I found myself having sex with a "corpse". I heard this referred to as a "starfish" on this forum. Her arms and legs limp on the bed, no eye contact... just waiting for it to be over... We were no longer "making love". Rather, she was just yielding her body to be my source of gratification. Whenever I asked why she had no desire, there was always an excuse that has changed many times over the years. For the last 10 years, there has been no sex at all and I have been masturbating. It feels like there is an unspoken understanding that my wife realizes I must be masturbating and prefers this so I don't bother her for sex any more.
We have had many discussions regarding this, some very heated. These discussions are always initiated by me but they lead nowhere. We have been to counseling twice, but neither has helped. I am reaching the conclusion that things will never change and sadly, the comments on this forum reinforce the reality that things will not change.
Other than the lack of sex, we actually have a pretty good relationship. We raised three children who are all out of the house in houses of their own. Financially, things are pretty solid. We have good friends and I am sure that people view us as a great couple. We never fight about anything other then the lack of sex. She claims she has never had an affair and she is not gay and I believe her on both counts.
How does this happen? Doesn't everyone need love and intimacy? Isn't the drive for sex greater than the drive for food and sleep?! I have been a model husband, and father. I am athletic, in excellent health and in great shape for a 58-year old. What gives?
I am extremely frustrated and at a crossroads.
Do I remain in a sexless marriage and accept this as my "cross to bear"? I don't believe that masturbation is an appropriate way to express one's sexuality and this is presenting a major moral conflict for me. Do I remain in a sexless marriage and cheat? This will present a greater moral conflict!! Do I leave my wife and find happiness with another woman? If I left her, the divorce would be contentious and our children, friends and relatives would likely blame me for the breakup. When I have brought up the subject of divorce, she is strongly against this and contends that we can work through our issues, but nothing ever changes.
I keep waiting for another alternative, but the days, weeks and months continue on with no change. Please know that it really helps me to write all of this down to people that understand what I am going through! I don't expect people on this forum to provide any quick answers to my questions, but I would like to continue to engage with the people here to gain wisdom, understanding and guidance!!
Thanks for reading and listening!!!
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