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Post by dreamer29 on Jun 8, 2017 1:30:18 GMT -5
I don't see a great chance of that if I'm being honest. Hes already 12 years older than me and we aren't getting any younger. He wants more children, but that would be a horrible idea at this time. I don't see old habits being completely gone, and I'm not feeling optimistic about my own feelings changing. I've tried and tried for so long. My patience has worn out and he senses that. I know it. And NOW he wants to try.
Thanks for responding.
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Post by dreamer29 on Jun 8, 2017 0:47:10 GMT -5
You say you have a lot of built up resentment and that he is afraid he will lose you. Do you shave the energy to fix your resentment and work through your own feelings towards him? Do you want to put in the work you build him up to a better self? Do you want to take the time to help him be a better person and husband and communicator? If you said no to any of those then I would say you should probably continue with exploring your exit plan. He needs help, you know that, we all know that. He needs a counselor, he needs a shoulder, an ear and a coach. If you cannot be that person for him, maybe helping him find a therapist will help get him in the right path when he is on his own. This is not meant as a guilt trip but rather a reality check. It sounds like he has a lot of mental and physical hang ups that, if you are unprepared or willing to help with, with only allow your marriage to further degrade. Although, you should make a decision before the paperwork is done for the adoption. I agree with you completely. I think more history is necessary for anyone to understand. A few months into us dating, we were already living together, he began criticizing me. For EVERYTHING. The way I parented my son, the way I cleaned, the meals I made and how he disapproved of having 2 carbs on the plate (even though he loves mcdonalds?), if I would nap he would come home and call me lazy. He dictated our roles, and he refused to help me with any housework bc I was not working (bc I was in full time nursing school). He criticized my friends. And it was an absolute no for me to go out without him although he frequently would go without me. He said, "its different- you're a woman. Guys might hit on you and I don't know you well enough to trust you yet." I would just cry and cry. I can't tell you why I stayed. My confidence was just broken to pieces, I never had anyone treat me like that. I became so depressed and dependent on his positive assurance that I was worthy of his love. It was bad. He slooowwllly got better with traces of those old habits still lingering to this day. But we were comfortable and our lives were intertwined. I started repressing things and focusing on school. Now we are married. I finished school, got a job, and my confidence has been on the rise. People compliment me, I've made new friends, I make a living, I've lost weight. I just feel happy and better about myself and I'm realizing I never deserved any of that treatment and I was an idiot for tolerating it. Now I have more time to reflect back on it all and I'm angry. Yes part of me wants to help him, but part of me thinks it's his own fault for where he's at. He never helped me or was my shoulder to cry on when I begged and begged for him to listen to me. And now my attitude is just unhappy. I feel detached. The more I think about it, the more depressed I feel. So the answer to your questions is I don't know. I don't know how to desire to help him. I want to be that person, but I also don't want to be a doormat or waste my time. It's hard.
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Post by dreamer29 on Jun 8, 2017 0:34:34 GMT -5
Really Sister dreamer29 , there is NO contradiction in your thoughts. Both view "A" and view "B" have the same rationale behind them, namely YOU trying to figure out which option is in YOUR longer term best interests. And that, is a healthy approach to the dilemma. All I would suggest is that you make whichever call you feel is going to be life enhancing for you in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years. NOT on a basis of short term convenience. And to be aware that your choice IS going to cause you pain, short term, no matter what, Thank you for the insight. It's hard not knowing what will come about in those time frames if I go with either option. I fear the unknown. The thought of looking back in 5 years with regret is scary. =\
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Post by dreamer29 on Jun 7, 2017 23:43:18 GMT -5
I made my first post the other day, and I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my situation. I truly appreciate all the replies and the sense of community here. I've been reading through old posts, people's stories and thoughts to help me get insight.
I bounce back and forth between two very different thought processes about being in this SM. (And sex isn't our only issue. I have a lot of resentment about the way he used to treat me. He has apologized for the past and has made a lot of changes.)
Thought A: I married him. I'm all he has, as he alienates most of his family and has no real friends. I vowed for better/worse sickness/health. Maybe the lack of sex is bc of his weight and I should encourage him and help him to get healthy. I should reassure him more to help with his insecurity. I should wait and see what happens bc I made a commitment. I feel sorry for him. He is the only father my 5 year old knows. He is set to adopt him this summer. I can try to change my attitude to a more positive one and maybe that will help. He provides a home for us. He is trying to communicate more, but I've been disinterested. Maybe I'm just as much to blame.
Thought B: I'm young, I made a mistake in marrying him, I wasn't paying enough attention to the red flags. I wasn't thinking clearly. I want to move on and be free to be the woman I have the potential to be. I don't feel like myself around him and I don't feel free to be 100% myself without criticism, or resentment because he is SO insecure with himself. He dulls my shine bc he is afraid he will lose me to someone else. I need out. My son will be fine (I hope), he is resilient. My H isn't setting a very good example anyway with his poor health habits. If he really loved me and cared about me, he would at least try to change his habits. He's a grown man, I shouldn't have to ask! If sex was a priority for him, or he cared about my feelings on the issue, he would work on it. If he's depressed he needs to do something to help himself. I'm not responsible for that.
I'm going to see a counselor. I'm thinking about an exit plan, just in case, and I'm going to work on my finances and credit so I'm in a good place as far as that goes. But I just can't escape the late night contradictory thoughts. Anyone else go through this?
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Post by dreamer29 on Jun 3, 2017 14:14:40 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for the responses. You've all got me thinking, and Im going to start with a counselor. I think I know in my heart what I need to do, unfortunately its much easier said than done.
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Post by dreamer29 on Jun 3, 2017 14:10:22 GMT -5
This is my first post. I married my H a little over 7 months ago. Haven't had sex in about 9 months. And only once, maybe twice, in the last year. My H is 11 years older than me, I'm 28. I'm a 28 year old newly wed who has never had sex with her husband. It's so depressing. We've been together 4 years. He used to refuse me starting in year 2. He claimed he was tired and his back hurt from working. I became so depressed. I would beg and ask why, but I was the weird one. Sex wasn't the priority. Work and responsibilities were. I thought it was just his stress and that things would get better. We were moving so I thought, it'll be better once we move. We moved and it was the same! Maybe once every couple months. I used to tell him, hello I'm in my sexual prime! This is torture! But he was tired or stressed. Then he quit his job to start a new one. It will get better when the new job starts, less stress, he would tell me. So I waited! Then a close family member passed away, so I knew not to even ask! That's when we got engaged, and shortly after, married. I was in school also, so I was distracted with a busy curriculum. I thought, once we are married and I graduate we'll both have less stress and more time. But here we are and nothing has changed. I've brought up the issue numerous times and it just gets swept under the rug. It's important to add that over the course of the years he has put on over 100 pounds. He was overweight from the start but it didn't limit our sex. Now there is only one position we can do and it's not intimate at all! It doesn't last long, and truthfully I don't want it! He tried saying we need to start trying again. But I said no! We have many more communication and emotional issues to work on before having sex again! He came on to me one time after going out and drinking alone. I'm not turned on if you only want me bc you're drunk. I used to be depressed and would cry nightly. I thought it was because I was unattractive or a bad partner somehow. Now I'm just numb. I'm attracted to other people, but I don't want to become a cheater. We have no connection. We don't laugh together, don't go anywhere, I don't even desire to. I'd rather be alone or with my 5 year old son (mine from previous relationship). He has some good qualities but a lot of negative ones too. He's always tired and lazy. And won't lose weight. I feel bad for feeling this way but I keep being told things will change one day. And how long am I supposed to wait? I feel like life is too short to spend it without love, romance, passion, and intimacy. And I want to set an example for my child what real love looks like. I kind of rambled, but I've never used a forum and shared this before. Any thoughts? You asked for guidance. Here it is. Read through all of the posts here as well as the archived posts in the I Live In a Sexless Marriage section of Experience Project, the predecessor site to this. You will see many stories like yours in which people didn't have sex on their honeymoon or for months, even years, afterward. You'll even find stories of people who have never ever had sex in their marriage of more than a decade. You will not find one such story in which the marriage turned around and became one with mutually fulfilling sex. You will see some in which after the refused partner threatened to divorce or wanted a child and their refuser acquiesed and managed to grit their teeth and engage in sex. But it wasn't passionate sex. It was duty sex. It was what we call here, "re-set sex." And in several cases, a child was miracuously conceived via one sex act amidst months and years of celibacy. And the refused partner then stayed in the marriage so as to allow their child to be in a two-parent home. Such refused are miserable and wish they had found this site early in their marriage like you have. Because then they'd have realized that there is NO HOPE that they would get the kind of marriage they wanted with their spouse. They would have realized that you can't love, beg, threaten, explain or cajole someone into sexually desiring you. And they would have let go of their marriage. Your unconsummated marriage would qualify you for an annulment in most religions and jurisdictions. Talk to a lawyer to find out your options. In many places, the first visit -- the consultation -- is free. Do not let your spouse know that you'll be talking to a lawyer about divorce. If you do that, your partner will probably engage in a sex act with you. It will be more of the unsatisfying sex you've had in the past, and that will end your chances of an annulment and will probably keep you hanging in there with false hope. You might even get pregnant and have to deal with those complications. I know it's hard for you to read this, and you likely are thinking that there is something you can do to get the marriage you want. So, do what I suggested: Read the stories here and look for one that reminds you of your marriage, but has the kind of resolution you long for in your marriage. Individual therapy -- with a therapist who values the importance of sex in marriage and life (some therapists don't) also would help. Couples therapy -- probably not, at least not in the way you hope for. That's because you can't make someone sexually desire you. It doesn't mean you're not desirable. It just means you're with the wrong person. I'm sorry that your marriage is such that you ended up here. I'm glad, however, that you found this place so early in your marriage so you'll be able to benefit from the support and wisdom. With the information and wisdom here, you have the key to be free for the kind of life you want much earlier in life than is the case for most here. This! Thank you for your response. When you say "duty sex" that really hit home. I feel like if we do it, its just going to be to say we did it, because we haven't in so long. It won't be an expression of love or intimacy, just a quick chore. I never thought of the possibility of an annulment, I'm going to research that. I wish I would've paid attention to all the red flags before I said I do. But i'm going to take your advice and definitely go see a counselor to start.
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Post by dreamer29 on Jun 3, 2017 13:58:37 GMT -5
Sister dreamer29 "And how long am I supposed to wait?" - you ask. It looks like you've been together about 2 years (?) or 24 months. Ten percent of that is 2.4 months - or 3 months to be generous. So that's the time I'd suggest. But rely on him for NOTHING during this period. Instead, get pro-active yourself. Consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you and formulate an exit strategy and knock it in to do-able shape. In 90 days, see what this bloke has done of his own volition to address his issues. Then, you have a difficult choice ahead of you. You stay - because he has made remarkable progress in dealing with his issues - or You leave - because he has made no progress on his issues at all. Whether you tell him he's on the clock, or not, is optional. The clock is really for you, to give yourself a target and to keep yourself accountable. What he does or does not do is completely beyond your control. **We've been together a total of 4 years. I've already been waiting to see if he would do anything. I just feel that even if he does try, I won't want it. It's already caused so much hurt in the past. When you say exit strategy, do you mean legally?
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Post by dreamer29 on Jun 3, 2017 13:54:58 GMT -5
Hi Dreamer29 I'm happy you found us, but am so sorry under the circumstances as the rest of us. Your story sounds very similar to Rhapsadee here. I would recommend looking over all her posts and comments. We're here for you and we understand. There is one thing to remember. It's not you, it's HIM! And as a result of that you will need to decide what you need to do for yourself. Read the posts on here to see where others, like yourself, have had to do to manage this. Hugs, SD I'll look at her posts as soon as I can. Thank you!
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Post by dreamer29 on Jun 3, 2017 2:22:00 GMT -5
This is my first post. I married my H a little over 7 months ago. Haven't had sex in about 9 months. And only once, maybe twice, in the last year. My H is 11 years older than me, I'm 28. I'm a 28 year old newly wed who has never had sex with her husband. It's so depressing. We've been together 4 years. He used to refuse me starting in year 2. He claimed he was tired and his back hurt from working. I became so depressed. I would beg and ask why, but I was the weird one. Sex wasn't the priority. Work and responsibilities were. I thought it was just his stress and that things would get better. We were moving so I thought, it'll be better once we move. We moved and it was the same! Maybe once every couple months. I used to tell him, hello I'm in my sexual prime! This is torture! But he was tired or stressed. Then he quit his job to start a new one. It will get better when the new job starts, less stress, he would tell me. So I waited! Then a close family member passed away, so I knew not to even ask! That's when we got engaged, and shortly after, married. I was in school also, so I was distracted with a busy curriculum. I thought, once we are married and I graduate we'll both have less stress and more time. But here we are and nothing has changed. I've brought up the issue numerous times and it just gets swept under the rug. It's important to add that over the course of the years he has put on over 100 pounds. He was overweight from the start but it didn't limit our sex. Now there is only one position we can do and it's not intimate at all! It doesn't last long, and truthfully I don't want it! He tried saying we need to start trying again. But I said no! We have many more communication and emotional issues to work on before having sex again! He came on to me one time after going out and drinking alone. I'm not turned on if you only want me bc you're drunk. I used to be depressed and would cry nightly. I thought it was because I was unattractive or a bad partner somehow. Now I'm just numb. I'm attracted to other people, but I don't want to become a cheater. We have no connection. We don't laugh together, don't go anywhere, I don't even desire to. I'd rather be alone or with my 5 year old son (mine from previous relationship). He has some good qualities but a lot of negative ones too. He's always tired and lazy. And won't lose weight. I feel bad for feeling this way but I keep being told things will change one day. And how long am I supposed to wait? I feel like life is too short to spend it without love, romance, passion, and intimacy. And I want to set an example for my child what real love looks like. I kind of rambled, but I've never used a forum and shared this before. Any thoughts?
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