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Post by lostsomething on Jan 23, 2017 3:12:27 GMT -5
I fear I have read, studied, prepared myself, talked about LIASM, to much! That the pendulum has swung so far that I would miss all the other qualities that come with a relationship with another woman. And that I would sound like a sex pervert. Like that accusation, "that's all you think about". Is there validity in my concerns? Like so many things that are about to happen I know I will be learning from my mistakes. Just hearing about others who have been there makes it easier, to have the confidence to take the risks and not be a total screw up. I'm worried about myself having adopted the behavior and not desiring anyone ever again. My libido went from desiring sex once or more per day to wanting to put my attention elsewhere. I think before I was preoccupied with when I would have my next orgasm. Now I'm occupying my time working towards being successful and moving on. Someday, I may want to find a balanced relationship where sex and intimacy as well as communication are healthy parts of the relationship. Yet, in the back of my mind is the fear that I've become what I hate. Maybe it's just a coping mechanism. Maybe this has been a way to balance out my desires. Someday this curse may seem like a blessing. Save
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Post by lostsomething on Jan 23, 2017 0:32:46 GMT -5
. "Now is the time to start taking care of yourself emotionally and physically." I couldn't agree more which is why I joined a Dave Ramsey class tonight to get my bills paid on his dime. Then when I start feeling better, I'll go back to work and start saving for my escape. I've spent 8 years in this mess and I have no hope that it's going to change. Any changes he makes will be temporary to quiet my anger. There's another kink in my situation; my husband attaches himself emotionally to other women and then creates drama in our marriage. He has yet to have an affair but leaves the option open for himself should he become too uncomfortable. Luckily for me, the universe has been in my favor and I find out long before it becomes something more. He quit his job in November because he started an inappropriate emotional affair with his manager at work and I found out by accident; or was it. I'm surprised how your able to be that loving husband even though your needs aren't being met. Kudos to you. I can't pretend anymore. I want to stay mad in a healthy way so I can get to the other side of this. We deserve to be loved and to have our hierarchy of needs met to the fullest. This is some BS. Save
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Post by lostsomething on Jan 22, 2017 18:01:15 GMT -5
My husband is a passive aggressive so his refusal was his control over me because I had a high libido and I needed physical attention to feel safe. Now that I've moved away from that need for the time being, he's getting more desperate as I refuse him doing ANYTHING for me. He's getting nervous by my discovered non-dependence as I see him struggle to ask simple questions about things like what food we want to eat.
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Post by lostsomething on Jan 22, 2017 17:11:18 GMT -5
With all the hub-bub lately and hurt feelings, I'm going to make a suggestion that is working for me. Wait a day. Type your reply in your notes. Get it all out of your head. Save it and move on. The next day read it over and decide if you still feel the same. You may decide to let it go, or you may decide to blast that person out of the water with your words. I'm going to start doing this. I think it will also be helpful for me to examine my feelings later to see how far I've come or how far I've moved away from my goals in the relationship. Thanks for the advice. Save
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Post by lostsomething on Jan 22, 2017 11:53:09 GMT -5
My husband and I waited until we got married to have sex so I wasn't aware that he was a passive aggressive with intimacy problems. We had sex on our wedding night and then a month or so later. I knew the first week that I had made a mistake and wanted out but I gave it a try in hopes that "My Love" for him would make him want to love me back. Nope. He wanted a wife; he didn't want the responsibilities of being a husband.
Every year, I make a new years resolution that if he doesn't change by the end of the year, I was going to divorce him. So 8 years later, here I am. He's a passive aggressive, does not communicate feelings, avoids me by watching endless amounts of television or reading in bed. Refuses to look at me while I'm getting dressed or undressed. He won't pay attention.
What is this hold he has on me? He treats me nice and says nothing is ever wrong with me. He makes me dinner, does laundry and always asks if I'm okay. Little did I know that him asking was his desire to see if I was suffering from his mental and emotional abuse. He doesn't know how to express his feelings with me and when he's mad, says nothing is wrong but I get the silent treatment, avoidance, rolls his eyes at me, no intimacy.... EVER (there's a difference between intimacy and sex, mind you).
I'm not allowed to touch him because he says it hurts. If I ask him to do anything, he starts sighing heavily. I ask him what's wrong and he says nothing. Then acts out by being sloppy about what I asked him to do.
When my husband does want sex, once every few months, he uses me to get off and doesn't care whether I enjoy myself or not. He's always in a hurry to get "it" over with.
I'm starting to act out and not very careful about what I say anymore. I'm angry as hell and he has no idea why--so he says. He once told me that his ex-wife left him because he was a drama queen and that he had no motivation to do anything in his life. I now understand that that wasn't her being abusive; that was her noticing he has something seriously wrong with him (she is a psychologist). They did go to counseling--I read the doctors recommendations he kept in a file. Wow. They were having similar issues that we are having now. He just moved them from one relationship to another.
I'm exhausted. This relationship has taken it's toll on my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. If there's one thing I've learned from this relationship, it's that I'm not the savior of the world. I'm not here to make anyone else better; just myself.
I have the opportunity to move far away with my daughter next month. Will I go? I don't know. The fear of failure, the unknown and lack of finances keeps me bound to this hell. The decision to leave has been quite the undertaking. All in all, passive aggressive people leave you hanging on by a thread of hope because they drop crumbs of love here and there. They act so nice to your face while planning your punishment in secret.
So I guess this is my own fault. I have allowed it. I chose to stay. I chose to believe that someday it would be better. However, my faith in the "love that cures everything" has opened it's eyes to the reality of the world that sometimes walking away, IS the greater expression of faith.
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