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Post by goyaman on Jul 14, 2017 23:00:24 GMT -5
Congratulations! You and so many on this forum inspire me! Best of luck as you begin this new chapter in your life.
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Post by goyaman on Jul 10, 2017 8:47:42 GMT -5
Thank you brother baza and brother DryCreek. I saw an American counselor a few months ago that had no background dealing with Japanese-Western marriages. I only got twenty minutes into my background with my wife when she told me I needed to get the best lawyer I could afford, and to tell her "we can do this the hard-way or the easy-way". Seemed a bit harsh to me, because my wife obviously has issues she needs to work through.
And as far as the prospect of waiting ten years to divorce; It has really exposed a deep, dark part of me. I have an AP that I've known for well over decade, became romantic 2 years ago, and I have fallen deeply in love with. I have a real shot of a happy, fullfiling, sex-filled life with her. I'm at the crossroads where I have to make this major life decision: stay with the wife, who appears to have an intractable problem that makes life more-or-less miserable, all while breaking my AP's heart and mine along with it, for the sake of the kids. If I decide to get out of the marriage, I don't know how the Japanese system will treat me. All indications point to not good.
I've had a history of depression, and my fear is(and I hate to admit this) that if I stay, and become the passive doormat the counselor recommends, I slip into a bad mental state. I would have lost a woman I care deeply about, and be stuck in a helplesss situation. I fear I might come to resent my children (which is a horrendous thought to have, I realize this) and not be the father they need. They don't need a sick mother and father. I'll just have to role the dice and hope my wife understands that the kids need me in their life. Wish me luck...
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Post by goyaman on Jul 10, 2017 0:54:34 GMT -5
I found a counseling service ran by an American that more-or-less specializes in Western-to-Japanese relationships. I've seen a couple of counselor to talk about my SM issues, but I always felt they lacked the cultural awareness that I believe is at the heart of so many of my issues.
During the session, I laid out my marriage as best I could in such a short period of time. The lack of sex/intimacy, the need to control, the difficulty in negotiating points of contention, the seeming obsession with the children's academics...He then asked me if if she was a messy person. I said, yes she is. Housework and cooking are really not a priority of hers, and the house is a wreck most of the time. I told him that has never been a point of contention between us.
He told me it's possible she has adult ADHD, and that might explain her lack of interest in me (sexual or otherwise), her OCD-like interest in the kids' academics, the disregard for the cleanliness of the house, and her temper when we try to discuss contentious topics.
I was kind of relieved that this thing might have a name, if nothing else if can give me a point of reference for helping her make her life better. But the advice he gave me to deal with the situation really threw me for a loop. When I brought up the sexlessness/lack of intimacy being an issue, he almost laughed. He told me I should have came and talked to him 16 years ago. I guess he would have revealed the 'open-secret' that men married to Japanese women will invariably end up in a SM.
I raised the topic of what I feel is emotional abuse that my kids are suffering through. The hours after hours of homework and practice that are often punctuated with yelling and crying, and occasionally with face slaps and pushing. He called this a "self-limiting" problem. At some point the kids will get old enough to rebel and push back against their mother...I shouldn't step in unless I fear the situation is dangerous.
I then asked "How do I help her?". His response: "Oh, there's no helping her." He then told me to absolutely, under no circumstances should I get divorced. He told me she'd take away the children and I would never get access to them. I was then advised to get a small apartment somewhere, keeping it a secret from my wife. Tell her I have work commitments and keep away as much as possible. I shouldn't confront her with anything, and when she has a tantrum, just let her go unless I feel physical abuse might occur.
For my sexual/intimacy needs, just keep going with the outsourcing. I was even given tips on how to cover my tracks!
Not exactly what I wanted to hear; that I should wait 10 years till the kids are basically raising themselves before I consider divorce (all while keeping away as much as possible to conserve my sanity)
Does this sound like sound advice to anybody?
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Post by goyaman on Jun 2, 2017 9:07:46 GMT -5
The cultural divide is very real and causes a lot of issues. Maybe someone should develop a sister site: ILIASAM (I live in a sexless Asian marriage).
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Post by goyaman on May 30, 2017 9:02:59 GMT -5
I've been visiting this forum for several months now, it's been a great source of information and inspiration. I would like to thank everyone on here for sharing their experiences and advice, it has meant a lot.
I've finally found myself in a very stressful crossroads in my marriage. First, a little background: I married an Asian woman 16 years ago. It was a little bumpy in the beginning, but the sex life was decent. When the first child was born, the dynamic in the marriage changed dramatically. At the time, i didn't know if this was normal for new parents or particular to my situation. After referencing some articles, it seems that the relegation of the marriage to the back burner after the arrival of the child is fairly common in Asian marriages. Combine that cultural tendency with a nasty case of post-partum depression and the first year of my child's life was absolute poison for the marriage.
I was moved to the room on the other side of the apartment (haven't slept in the same bed with my wife in over 7 years) and my mother-in-law came to live with us. The birth also seem to intensify what I've diagnosed as my wife's OCD. At that time, there were several new strains of the flu being regularly profiled on the news, and as a result my wife essentially quarntined our child in the apartment. For the first year the baby didn't leave the apartment except to go to the doctor's office. Our relationship more-or-less ceased to exist. No intimacy of any kind. My only salvation were the few times I went on business trips or got sent to the store with a honey-do list.
One of the startling incidents that occurred during that time was when my wife woke up early to go for a walk. The young one woke up and started crying hysterically, she was not used to her mother not being next to her in the morning. When the W returned, I asked her to wake me up next time so I could be next to the baby. For some reason this really set her off. She went apoplectic, even threatening to kill herself and the baby. I told her that I'm was going to call in sick, so we could work this issue out. She told me no, go to work; she only wanted to be in control.
After a year the mother-in-law returned home, and it was just the three of us. I was pretty numb, and very empty. I had what you could call a emotional affair with a girl I met at work. It was never physical, I guess I was trying to make up for the void I felt. That relationship ended when I left that job, it took me many months to get over it despite the platonic nature of it.
The W wanted a second child, but I was not interested. But because of the control she had (and has) over me, I obliged. A few weeks of very clinical, non-romantic sex followed and she got pregnant. Before the child was born, I had to relocate, and she decided to return to her hometown to have the baby. She lived with a parents for a little over a year.
When the family reunited, the W got very upset over a very minor incident (me walking into the room when she was trying to breastfeed) and she told me it was a mistake returning to the States, and that she should just go back. I calmed her down and we started our 'new' life together. Around this time, the serial rejections started. She always had an excuse: hormones, "I only think about sex", too tired.
Another important issue came about while we were living in the states. My W turned into a horrific Tiger Mom. My poor kids were subjected to so many activities, homework, lessons, and stress. It was very difficult on the whole family. I make good enough money so my wife doesn't have to work, so she puts all her efforts into molding the children into the next Elon Musk (she would really reference him, and the importance of her children excelling and doing great things for the world.). She has confided in me a few times that she didn't think she could love our oldest is she wasn't smart. Meanwhile, the house was a mess, she rarely cooked, and had less than zero interest in my wants and needs. One of my problems, and I'll probably reference this later, is my complete inability to deal with conflict. It's so hard for me to face her and let her know my displeasure. It certaintly doesn't help that my wife only has 2 modes when we have a serious discussion: normal, and mad as hell. There is no moderation in how she shuts down arguments. It escalates quickly into threats of divorce and nasty comments:"I wish I could keep your money and get rid of you". As a result, I've lived with some pretty substantial FOG for a long time.
Fast forward a year, I had a chance to relocate to her home country. During that time I reconnected with an old friend that I had know prior to meeting my W. In fact, they had worked in the same office. During a dinner with her, she told me about issues she was having in her marriage, and was pursuing divorce. I relayed to her my issues as well. It was definitely one of those eyebrow raising moments. We were always fond of each other, but at that dinner there was definitely a spark.
The years went by, and so did the refusals. The W was become a more ferocious Tiger Mom by the day. Most nights ended in screaming, crying kids accompanied by screeches of a toddler trying to learn the violin. My heart was sunk by the condition in the house. When I aired my concerns, I was always shut down, harshly: the kids education was her "concern".
Simultaneously, my relationship with the other woman was growing deeper and deeper. I went to see her every 6 weeks or so. Being with her gave me a feeling of peace, joy, and contentment that has been simply missing in my life. We made plans to be together in the future.
She is currently is the process of terminating her marriage, and has secured her own apartment. She is waiting for me to do the same. Two weeks ago, I aired my grievances with my wife and told her I wanted to separate. She was totally taken by surprise. It was 3 hours of crying, anger, and drama. She cried and told me she wants to work at the marriage, she will change. I completely caved and told her we would work at it, knowing in my heart that's the last thing I wanted to do. My inability to manage conflict is really starting to haunt me.
To my amazement, the W really appears to be trying to be more attentive to me, and less strict with the children. It's almost like she's trying to attempt an entire personality reset. My councilor commented that such an amazing turnaround is suspect, and if nothing else indicates she knew of her transgressions the entire time. I'm annoyed by it to a certain degree, like she's taken away my 'self-righteousness'. As I travel down this road, it's me that's going to have to be the bad guy.
Needless to say, the emotional cocktail I've been experiencing the last couple of weeks has been devastating. I feel like I'm betraying my AP (whom I love with all my heart) with my inability to truly confront my W and tell her, without exception, that I want our of the marriage. My heart is breaking for my children, who will have to endure a future in a broken home. I'm also feel guilty by my actions towards my wife; I'm unnecessarily putting her on this emotional roller-coaster by my inability to just come clean.
This all leads to some serious anxiety, and perhaps a slippery slope into depression. I probably just need a 'time out' to figure some things out.
Intellectually and spiritual I know what I want/have to do. Emotionally I still have a lot of catching up to do. I have to learn how to deal with the massive amounts of FOG that I feel.
Sorry this was so long, I abridged it as much as I felt I could.
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