harveyspecter
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Once a guy who had a lot to say and little to learn. Now has a lot to learn and little to say.
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Post by harveyspecter on Dec 22, 2016 13:27:39 GMT -5
This is a pivotal point in your life cagedtiger I know that we are just voices on the internet, but please know that by speaking to you, we are really trying to say what we wish someone would have said to us. This will never get better. Not permanently. The usual way this plays out is that the spouse decides to be better and sometimes is, for a while. In your case, I could see her becoming more and more sexual until you think things are heading in the right direction. Of course, every time you have sex will be Russian roulette. Because when you get her pregnant, then the hook will really be set in your mouth and she will have you. For nine months you won't get laid because she doesn't feel sexy or she is nauseous. Hell, that might even be true. Then, once the baby is born, you'll count the days until the 6 weeks have passed and you can have sex. She will have complications and the OB/GYN will tell her "It's different for every woman. You'll have sex when you are ready." Since you are a good God fearing man, you'll question your desire and sublimate it. After all, your wife just gave you this amazing new child. That's a traumatic experience. She needs time. After the first year you will be ready to start flirting with random employees at McDonalds. Your wife will save all of her affection for her baby. She will have no time for you. If you want sex you will be told that she is feeding the baby and is up all night and is exhausted and that's why she is too tired for sex. When you offer to get up at night to feed the baby she will argue that it is a bonding experience for her and she doesn't want you to feed the baby. When the baby is napping on a nice Saturday afternoon you will approach your wife for sex. She will rebuff you. She hasn't had a shower yet. She feels stinky. You suggest a shower together. She will say no, because she had stretch marks from being pregnant and perhaps a scar. You say you don't care and you kiss her tummy. She will tell you all you think about is sex and perhaps give you a hand job. Two years will go by and then your wife will have sex with you as if out of the blue. You will not question her motives. She will F your brains out for a week or so. Once she is pregnant with her second child, she will have NO time for daddy. She has a toddler and is pregnant. Who can deal with that and have sex? Nobody, that's who. If you even try to fuck a woman who is pregnant and has a two year old, you should be arrested. Ten years later you'll have a 12 year old and a 10 year old. You will love them very much. You will not want to leave them. Because of that you'll stay with their mother who has sex with you 3-4 times a year and only when it suits her. Your sexual advances will have been rebuffed hundreds of times. You will be SURE that you'll have sex when the kids are at the grandparents, your wife has gotten a girlie bubble bath and you spent all weekend cleaning, including the toilet. You'll have your vasectomy (check), you live in the gym so you look good (check). It's going to happen. But it won't happen. A friend of hers from college will call and tell her that the friend's mother has cancer. And after a call like that, how could she even think about being romantic? Honestly, you will feel badly that you even suggested sex after that awful news. What kind of a man are you? This is your future. Don't do it. Get out now. Trust us.
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harveyspecter
New Member
Once a guy who had a lot to say and little to learn. Now has a lot to learn and little to say.
Posts: 9
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Post by harveyspecter on Dec 21, 2016 17:37:32 GMT -5
After a rough pregnancy, my wife was scared of getting pregnant again. She had an opportunity to have her tubes tied but never did. In order to have sex again, I wore a condom. She still panicked each time her period was a minute late. So, to save our marriage, I got a vasectomy. Even after explaining to her that her chances of getting pregnant were equal to her winning the lottery while being struck by lightning while holding a frozen snowball in hell, she still panicked each month. Later, she lost all desire for sex and sank into a depression. I wonder how many guys belong to the "I'll get a vasectomy so I can get more sex" club. My wife stated similar issues. Couldn't relax because she might get pregnant. So under the knife I went. That was 8 years ago. Nevertheless, I still post in this forum.
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harveyspecter
New Member
Once a guy who had a lot to say and little to learn. Now has a lot to learn and little to say.
Posts: 9
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Post by harveyspecter on Dec 21, 2016 13:36:16 GMT -5
No. over the years we've had sex around the holidays but it wasn't a regular thing. Back in the day there were three days I could reliably expect sex. Our wedding anniversary, her birthday, and my birthday. One by one they've all fallen by the wayside. The anniversary sex was the last to go. When we didn't have sex on our anniversary the first time and there was no mention of it I knew our pathetic sex life was truly over. That was 2 years ago. Holy hell. Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. I read your comment and then thought about getting sex on my own anniversary and then made the connection. Of course, I don't really care as it just marks another year of my wasted affections, but I must maintain the high ground and have some sort of gift for the lady of the house so the kids can see.
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harveyspecter
New Member
Once a guy who had a lot to say and little to learn. Now has a lot to learn and little to say.
Posts: 9
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Post by harveyspecter on Dec 16, 2016 16:29:30 GMT -5
With the others on the pills - I feel like the anxiety - if not debilitating, helps you move towards a solution - but who am I to talk? I am not a doctor, pill free and still here... Super impressed by your ability to get them on the spot before seeing the head doctor. Your country handles that differently! Anywho - individual therapy has been helpful for me in that I am trying really hard to remove my self-deprecating language. She points out instances I didn't even know I was being unkind to myself. I am coming up with a mantra now - one that I have to keep telling myself to put me back in the right frame of mind. Think Stuart Smalley ... "I am good enough, smart enough and gosh darn-it, people like me." Truly, I thought I had a pretty healthy ego, but it turns out - nope. We are also in couple's counseling which I am not sure is working, but it is at least aggressive. The journaling would have come in handy - I am pouring through my old stories to work on my "resentment" list for next week's homework. I have found that I have forgiven and forgotten a lot of stuff. My list is very, very long. Good luck to you EO! This is excellent and I cannot wait to hear more about it Hugs! You mentioned something that is really interesting. I avoid fighting with my wife by always preceding any request for her to change by saying "Well, I know I'm no peach" or "I'm sure I piss you off plenty, but.." I tell her over and over that I'm a terrible husband and/or father. I didn't realize I was doing that. Or maybe not as much as I do.
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harveyspecter
New Member
Once a guy who had a lot to say and little to learn. Now has a lot to learn and little to say.
Posts: 9
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Post by harveyspecter on Dec 16, 2016 15:58:01 GMT -5
I wrote this a long time ago. Just brought it along to save it. Your mileage may vary. -Harv
Dehumanization Of The Opposite Sex: The Collateral Damage Of A Sexless Marriage...
I had an epiphany a few days ago. I thought I would share it. My marriage and my appreciation for it goes in cycles. I believe this is the case for most of us. Some days are optimistic. Some are awful. Some...you just don't think about it. Sometimes those are the best days, when you don't actively think about the state of your marriage. I know for me, it can consume me, just thinking and planning my next project towards fixing things. I was going through a phase recently where my desire for physical touch was simply off of the charts. If you're reading this, you know what that's like.
I went from a rational human being (hey, it's my story, so I get to be rational, ok?) with normal to high need for intimacy, closeness and affection to a walking hormone. I realized that I was staring down 70 year old women who had great racks. "Hey there, didn't you used to teach kindergarten? Yeah...you remember me, don't you? I'll make you feel better than you have since Gerald Ford was president." Bus drivers, movie ticket takers, census bureau volunteers...all became playgrounds for my vivid imagination. I hadn't felt like that since I was in college.
And then it hit me. I'm not supposed to feel like this. I remember feeling like this. I remember it quite well from when I was a teenager when I was just learning what these feelings meant. I was overwhelmed with the sensations and physical desire without the maturity to understand where to direct those urges. High school boys are absolutely entranced by the girl with big boobs. That's a fact. Why is that? Well, maybe she's a complete hottie with a great personality. That's possible. But let’s face it, it's often because she has two massive displays of *female* that they see every time she walks by.Boys don't have breasts. We're all compelled by what we don't have. Sure, they don't have vaginas either, but those aren't available for viewing (despite their prayers to whatever god they worship).All of this is normal. Teenage boys are horny dudes. They objectify women. They don't care if someone has a great personality, they want her to have amazing girl parts and shiny hair. They are fixated on the parts of a woman. There's nothing wrong with that. They will learn. I learned. I became the kind of man my parents wanted me to be. I stopped salivating at an enormous rack. (Ok...mostly.) I gravitated to a pretty smile, soft, expressive eyes and someone who smelled good.
Eventually, I came to see women as the whole package. Yes, all of those things attract, but they don't make you a horny moron with no moral compass. At the end of the maturing process a man realizes that a woman can complete him. He starts to look for someone to match his jagged and unique piece of puzzle. It takes a while. Some men never get there. But most of us do. Marriage is the ultimate. The place where you can find someone attractive when they haven't showered in two days because your toddler has been sick. Where you still find a woman attractive after 22 years of marriage because she's your best friend and just the sight of her makes you tingle. Marriage is the place where the soul becomes the object of your desire. The sum of everything a woman is becomes the trigger for your passion. Sex fulfills this journey. Every time you make love you renew this implied promise. A woman says "Love me for who I am". Her husband's affection answers back "If you love me like this, I promise I will always love who you are. You will always be beautiful, as long as you are you.”
When the affection stops, the process breaks down. Taking away intimacy is like taking away the electrical charge of an atom. Without the attraction, the pieces of what the relationship are start spinning off on their own. This is when one spouse's idea of love becomes disjointed from the other. The lines are drawn: "If you loved me you would spend more time with me", versus "If you loved me you would fuck me.” These are both wrong. As one piece, they're fine, but separately they don't match and they stop making sense.
I realized this the other day when I was absolutely coveting the ass and boobs of this chubby little woman I know who just had her first child six months ago. She's got that baby weight on and is probably not confident, but she looks like sex incarnate to me. I shook my head in sort of the "Scooby Doo" shake and woke up.I left this behind me a long time ago. I'm better than this. At least, I used to be. I don't want to be mesmerized by tight sweater or a sliver of your panties peeking out from your jeans. Living in a sexless marriage does that to a man. Maybe to women as well. I am not one, so I couldn't say if you are becoming crotch watchers or fixated on biceps and great hair. Women may devolve in other ways. Until I can reunite love, passion and sex, I will be a charming caveman...no good for anyone.
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harveyspecter
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Once a guy who had a lot to say and little to learn. Now has a lot to learn and little to say.
Posts: 9
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Post by harveyspecter on Dec 16, 2016 15:14:03 GMT -5
This was meant as a reply to Joy's original post. Still new here, so I didn't realize it would post 8 pages away with no context.
As a guy who has stayed in his marriage for a decade now because of my children, I read your post and started reading faster and faster looking for any comment about kids.
NO KIDS! I finally read it.
Joy, you don't know me from Adam. In fact, my name could BE Adam and you wouldn't know that. (It's not though. Really. I swear!). Please consider how many people are a part of this group. How many people come here, every day, in pain. We're wasting our lives for one reason or another.
Get out. You've certainly broken up with longterm boyfriends before, right? This will be the same only with more paperwork and more explanations to friends and family. There's no need to demonize your husband. He has his reasons. But if you are a normal sexual person, you have to get out. You're still plenty young to find someone to build a life with.
Don't be a part of this group next Christmas.
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harveyspecter
New Member
Once a guy who had a lot to say and little to learn. Now has a lot to learn and little to say.
Posts: 9
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Post by harveyspecter on Dec 14, 2016 17:54:44 GMT -5
Hello. I'm Harvey. I used to have a lot to say on the Experience Project site. Towards the waning days of that site I felt like I had less and less to say. I didn't follow the crowd this way. Not sure why.
I'm bossy and I think I'm a lot more interesting than I am. But don't worry, you'll find me fascinating. Or I'll believe you find me fascinating, which is just as good. For those who don't know me or forgot me (is that really possible? C'mon now!) I live in a sexless marriage. It's not completely sexless but we have been at less than 5 times a year for probably a decade. I have no interest in divorce. I have three young children and I get the only fulfillment of my life from them. Well, that and flirting with women on the elevator.
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