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Post by brian on Dec 26, 2017 20:52:06 GMT -5
I got massage oil too! I predict mine will remain unopened until next year though. Au contraire... Strike while the iron's hot. She gave you the gift; attempt to put it to use. Lay out a towel or two on her side of the bed and set the massage oil on it or nearby. Extend an invitation, and don't forget to turn up the thermostat / bed warmer. Maybe an extra towel to cover the area you aren't working so she doesn't get chilled. And run hot water over the oil bottle to pre-warm it. It may crash and burn, but it'd be a valiant attempt if it does. (Then again, I could be reading this all wrong and that's why I'm in the situation I am. Caveat emptor!) ETA: I should add... in full disclosure, this exact scene went down in flames for me recently; however, W hadn't just gifted me the oil. I think your odds are better sooner than later. Lol... see, it’s like this. It’s too perfect to be a coincidence. NOTHING happens when we have guests staying at our house. The guests arrived today and will be here all week. She had one day to survive, Christmas day. Since I needed to go to work, I went to bed at 10:30 while she stayed up late with the kids (and one of the kid’s friend). So there has been a guest in the house from the start. By Jan 2nd, it won’t be on her mind at all. Rigged from the beginning. Used to it. Maybe I’ll try, just to see what she’ll do. It will most likely be quite comical.
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Post by brian on Dec 26, 2017 7:49:24 GMT -5
Post sm partner and I had a Xmas eve potluck party last night with a small group of dear friends. We told stories, ate yummy food and sang twisted x-mas (for x rated) carols. It was a lovely evening that was the kind of thing I’d missed in my 34 year marriage to a man who has no close friends, was uncomfortable when people talked personally and would have been uncomfortable with any conversation hinting at sex. At midnight, partner and I opened our gifts. Among what he gave me were massage oil and nipple nibbles tingle balm. Today we are going to heathen brunch, a custom started by a jewis friend who said Jews eat at Asian restaurants on Christmas. About 30 people will come: atheists, agnostics, Jews, Christians whose families are far away. Some of us will see the new movie The Darkest Hour. We had sex yesterday while prepping for the party. Will try out Xmas gifts later today. I have the kind of love I always wanted. If I die today, I will have no regrets. . I got massage oil too! I predict mine will remain unopened until next year though.
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Post by brian on Dec 26, 2017 7:30:10 GMT -5
I left this site bookmarked on the computer. If she finds it and reads it, who knows what would happen... I have a pretty good idea what would happen if my roomie found this site... "How could you tell others about our situation?!?" (implication is that I have embarrassed her) "I hate it when you call me 'roomie'!" "That site is just a bunch of perverts." "All you ever want is sex. All you ever talk about is sex, sex, sex." She might call me an asshole a few times too, but that's about it. There wouldn't be any actions to deal with. Hell, she "offered" a tandem bath in our jetted tub for 2 years, yet couldn't put forth the effort to place a single bottle of wine in the refrigerator to help set the mood. 6 years later, we still haven't had that bath. At least she recognized the silliness of her continuing to offer. So, much like baza has stated about playing the divorce card, if you don't follow through, then it's just empty words. Likewise, my roomie's words are just words if there is never any follow through... and I tell her that... and she gets mad. One of my kids found this site, joined, and send me a derogatory PM. That was fun. Don't much care though.
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Post by brian on Dec 26, 2017 7:18:05 GMT -5
"...your life will be destroyed..." Depends heavily on your situation. Is the implication here about your job? Friendships? Public persona? Is your "public face" worth a life of misery? I would offer one additional viewpoint here on that statement... if you don't make things work, and this could be via a divorce, the animosity and loneliness WILL destroy your life. There was a time, not so long ago, that I could never fathom having sex with someone other than my wife. That all changed after about 18yrs of "sexlessness" and the burning inside of me finally burst through (not due to a person) and I am now quite open to being with others, if it were to ever be offered, until I work through my issues about leaving for good. What may be tolerable now, may not be tolerable later. That journey took me 18yrs of "sexless" misery. I should add that I was ready to divorce her 6 months in, but when I talked to my father about it he was in tears. I let his perception and feelings dictate my actions... I didn't want to disappoint him. That decision cost me 20 years of happiness. Do things for yourself and your sanity. You can't always do things for others. Your well WILL run dry, eventually.
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Post by brian on Dec 26, 2017 7:11:56 GMT -5
I am very sorry to hear your story as there are so many parallels to my situation. I don't have any solutions, I don't think, but I can commiserate with you. I am a Christian as well and don't want to get a divorce. I've already made that mistake in my first marriage and have decided to persevere this time. My wife is also a night person and due to my job I have to get up early. My wife has rushed me to hurry up and finish sometimes back when we were having sex more regularly. We tried therapy and my wife quit but I kept going for several years on my own. My wife has accused me of porn use also and made the same sort of statements about wanting her to be like those women. All of that hurts a lot, I know. I don't think you are being selfish. I think you have found a pretty safe space to talk about this and other issues in your marriage. Life is messy for sure. I can just encourage you not to give up hope, have faith, be faithful to the One who is faithful to you, and live right according to your beliefs. I've found that to be a source of reassurance and comfort. That doesn't fix the lack of intimacy, the lack of sex, the desire to be touched, or all the rest I am craving, but it does make life livable. Thanks joywhyo1! I really appreciate your encouragement. Nice to know I'm not alone. Sorry to hear of the challenges you and your wife are facing as well. As a Christian, don't you feel that its hard to talk sometimes about these things??? It shouldn't but I know if my circles their is a huge shame culture. I have friends who have divorced and I am always trying to be an encouragement and help. I am so glad a few of them are well, one is now pursuing ministry which is great, his first marriage fell apart rapidly while he was in theological school. I am impress that you are continuing with therapy. I find it helpful to have someone to talk to, especially in my position. When I tried to talk to a few people whom I should trust, even a pastor, I was told if I don't make things work my life will be destroyed. So I have just kept in... Why did your wife quit therapy? If you are comfortable sharing? Also, do you mind me asking why you split from your first wife? I am afraid of other relationships, even getting a hug from friends, due to the lack of affection in my own relationship, I crave hugs but am a bit afraid. Bless you!!!! "...your life will be destroyed..." Depends heavily on your situation. Is the implication here about your job? Friendships? Public persona? Is your "public face" worth a life of misery? I would offer one additional viewpoint here on that statement... if you don't make things work, and this could be via a divorce, the animosity and loneliness WILL destroy your life. There was a time, not so long ago, that I could never fathom having sex with someone other than my wife. That all changed after about 18yrs of "sexlessness" and the burning inside of me finally burst through (not due to a person) and I am now quite open to being with others, if it were to ever be offered, until I work through my issues about leaving for good. What may be tolerable now, may not be tolerable later. That journey took me 18yrs of "sexless" misery.
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Post by brian on Dec 26, 2017 6:51:52 GMT -5
wow! you mentioned this and now I am having the same thought, LOL! I am wondering whats the worst that could happen if true Ummm... that you discover the true depths of vindictiveness that your spouse has for you? Anyone who belittles you for your feelings isn't worth your time, IMO. Interestingly enough, turning that around is also applicable... you shouldn't belittle your spouse for not wanting to have sex with you. All you can do is decide WHAT you are going to do about it. Is it bad enough to leave? Are you willing to accept the consequences if you outsource (IMO, "cheating" is the wrong word)? Or are you willing to just suck it up and continue down the road you are on? I use my real name on this site. My profile shows the real city I live in. If my roomie wants to read what I have posted, let her. I no longer care. There is nothing in my posts that I haven't already told her straight up, including that, if someone were to offer, I would gladly have sex with them.
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Post by brian on Dec 23, 2017 7:52:54 GMT -5
Sorry Brother h. In my case though, I could have predicted to anyone that Xmas 2017 would be sexless for me... in 2009
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Post by brian on Dec 22, 2017 19:44:39 GMT -5
“I did not mean for you to have to say you were sorry, but I appreciate the caring.” Our response was the way normal people respond to hearing of another’s hardship. Even though we don’t know you personally, we still care about your welfare. “As far as her making health decisions, she is all I have. I am all she has. We are both very educated and are medical people, so I trust her as she trusts me. If I was single, I have no idea who I would want to make health care decisions for me. I would probably find a doctor or nurse that I have worked with.” Serious question: have you no close friends or relatives whom you can talk to about your concerns and who’d listen and respond compassionately, not make it about them? Given how you have described your wife’s reaction, she doesn’t seem like a person whom to trust to make medical decisions in your behalf. She already has made your cancer about her. She could do the same with medical decisions if you were unable to choose for yourself. For instance, maybe you would want a do not resuscitate order under some circumstances, but if those circumstances arose, she might not allow it and you’d be left alive but greatly impaired. Not to make light of the situation, but I would have made an example of the other way... you WOULD want to be resuscitated but she decides, "nah, he'll just want sex. Let him go."
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Post by brian on Dec 22, 2017 19:39:37 GMT -5
Well, my roomie cannot pass up the opportunity to tell me that I'm "Keeping Score" when I mention that it's been 5 weeks since we last had sex, or that we have had a sexless marriage by clinical standards for 17 of our 21 years. That's not letting the past be the past. But I don't know how to constructively address the situation without bringing up that I don't believe she CAN be the wife I need based on past performance.
But she's allowed to bring up all of the things that I did/didn't do in the past. That's just "evidence" that proves her point. Ummm... yeah... okay.
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Post by brian on Dec 22, 2017 19:34:16 GMT -5
I actually can't stand walking around braless. The bouncing is a little uncomfortable for me. I do change into yoga pants and a t-shirt as soon as I get home from work. I've recently started sleeping without my night bralette, however. I've been wearing just panties to bed, snuggling with the H, and still nothing. He always has been sort of indifferent to boobs, though. Oh geez... I would be unstoppable if a woman was beside me with just panties. As it stands, roomie usually has at least 3 layers on every body part from the neck to her toes with only her hands appearing "in the flesh". OK... I must admit, only 1 pair of socks, but I don't see much skin anymore... not that I would want to as it would just be a reminder of what I ain't gonna get. <-- that phrase is for @andie
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Post by brian on Dec 22, 2017 6:39:01 GMT -5
It’s very important, if you are a straight woman and thought you were marrying a straight man who turned out to be gay. Why would anyone think that’s not important? I imagine it’s devastating if it turns out to be true. It means you are betrayed in more ways than one. It’s NOT drama, and I don’t know who is putting these ideas into your head. Your life, your happiness, your marriage is very important to your health and mental wellbeing. Searching for facts and truth, so that you can make an informed decision is Not drama, its being wise. I get the sense that you are not confident in your own values and beliefs, and perhaps therapy can help you get a sense of your authentic self. If I’m mistaken, I apologize, but it’s the impression I’m getting from your deference to the views of others. You are right Caris I have been questioning a lot of things I have done in my life and I feel I’m losing my confidence based on things I judge I could have done different. I know it is a waste of time cause no one can change the past, but it definitely makes me less confident to make new choices to my future. I will work on it with my therapist. Thank you Don't lose your confidence, but thinking about your past choices is healthy and normal. We have to reflect on our choices, right and wrong, in order to learn. Just don't dwell on it and don't beat yourself up about it... just use it to learn and get better. That's all any of us can do.
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Post by brian on Dec 21, 2017 7:47:33 GMT -5
“It's even more fun when you realize that guests have had more sex in your house than you have. And it's really depressing when you also realize that one of those people is your 78yr old FIL and his girlfriend. My roomie is either oblivious to it or is in complete denial.” She cares no more about such things than she cares whether other people have cornflakes for breakfast. She has the life she wants. It’s not her who is missing a big piece of what she wants of life. So very true, but she gets a bit grossed out knowing even a little about what our teenage boys are doing with their girlfriends. But that's a different topic altogether.
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Post by brian on Dec 21, 2017 6:54:32 GMT -5
The festive holiday period is always a bit harder when living in a sexless marriage. You are surrounded by family and friends, who all get slightly drunk and are in a jovial mood, knowing full well there will likely be drunken sex for them whilst you are stuck pretending to be happy and that all is well. Personally as time wore on i found it increasingly harder to buy my refuser any nice gifts due the the resentment built up. Before buying her nice gifts used to be so easy for me. I hear you sister Caris. You make a valid point. It's even more fun when you realize that guests have had more sex in your house than you have. And it's really depressing when you also realize that one of those people is your 78yr old FIL and his girlfriend. My roomie is either oblivious to it or is in complete denial.
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Post by brian on Dec 21, 2017 6:51:09 GMT -5
I agree dd that the next time she makes a flippant comment about you “finding xyz-sexual-need elsewhere”, call her on it and ask if she’s serious. With her comments about polyamory maybe she actually WOULD be okay with you getting those needs met elsewhere. Yes, and I would also add that if she isn't serious about it, tell her never to make such flippant suggestions again. That is cruel to you for her to propose a valid and desirable solution to your issue if she has no intention of allowing it to happen. I had a discussion with my W to that effect. She never suggested another woman but the results were similar. She was in the habit of acting flirty and hinting at sex only to not follow through with it. She would tease me all day and then go to sleep at night as if nothing had gone on at all. That became a line in the sand for me. Do not suggest something will happen if you don't follow through. h, My roomie has a long history of doing this. I no longer care. I brush off any suggestion she might make by saying, "Just words." It makes her mad, but I don't really care at this point. dd, When I was at a hockey tournament a couple of years ago, a number of the parents got together and we were drinking (heavily) until the wee hours of the morning. Someone brought up the topic of "wifely duties". There were 3 responses -- One raised her hand and proudly proclaimed, "I'll take care of my wifely duties myself, thank you very much." One of the men described how his fiance finds a way to take care of her duties, sometimes grabbing a blanket and pulling him into the shed when the kids are around. The third person described how she did not want to do that anymore and that she was HAPPY that her husband had a young girlfriend to take care of those things so that she didn't have to. So there you go, a cross section of possibilities... a willing spouse, a more than willing girlfriend, and a spouse willing to allow her man to get it somewhere else. I did not chime in about my situation simply because I felt it would have been a mood-killer and we were all having fun.
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Post by brian on Dec 20, 2017 6:07:48 GMT -5
I have a "half formed" theory about refused spouses trying to coerce their refuser spouse into sexual action, or deploying scented candles strategies to seduce them into sexual action. Nominally, a refused spouse says they are attempting this to unearth whatever desire might remain in the refuser spouse. My theory is this - that at some level the refused spouse in making these attempts may actually be trying to unearth whatever desire might remain within themselves for the refuser spouse. Brother baza, I think you are almost right. How about this: At some level, the refused spouse making these attempts is actually trying to KEEP ALIVE whatever desire might remain within themselves for the refuser spouse.
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