lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 11, 2016 15:16:36 GMT -5
Welcome skguy! So sorry you have to be here, but glad that you joined us
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 14:44:44 GMT -5
lovespirit - That is something we all struggle with. However the: What if's? And If only's? -is a road that leads to madness. So we are here for you to vent and rage and scream and curse the universe. And we will support you always (eveyone here already hates him ) but ALSO ask you the "tough love" questions (looking at you ZumbaMami - and smiling so please don't hit me) Much appreciated! I grew tired of talking to myself long ago. I love the interaction, and I know there is much more venting to come. Thanks for the support everyone.
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 14:40:53 GMT -5
I know it's not me, but it's oh so hard not to blame yourself. I replay everything in my mind trying to figure out what I did wrong to cause all of this. All I did was try to be a good, loving wife...I've had guy friends tell me before that a woman that wants sex often would be like a dream come true, and I always enjoyed a healthy sex life before him, except for control issues with my mentally abusive ex. I just don't understand how someone can flip a switch and not desire you anymore. It doesn't make sense to me. Ok, I have to reply one more time. Let me assure you, it is NOT you! Please go to the Welcome section and read my post, "A Post about YOU." It will give you some better perspective. The spouse who refuses to fuck the other spouse is the one who should feel guilty. Thank you, I will! I saw that post and haven't read it yet. It's amazing how they turn things around and make you feel like the FREAK for even thinking about it. If I bring up the subject, I generally spend the whole time talking to myself. He will usually clam up until the subject is changed. He truly believes that we will be together forever. I don't know how on earth he thinks I'm going to live the rest of my life like this!!?!?!?!
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 14:36:07 GMT -5
Well, you have found a place where people can actually understand how you feel. And no one will judge you for anything you say or do. I have not posted my story here, but it is in my blog listed below. Some people have found it cathartic to read. Thank you, flashjohn I will definitely check out your blog later this evening when I have some more time. Would love to read your story.
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 14:34:10 GMT -5
Welcome to the ILIASM Hotel California where most of us stay, but never leave. Ha! Thanks angryspartan. I've often thought of my marriage as being Hotel California. lol Glad to meet you
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 14:31:13 GMT -5
This site is definitely the right place for us, lovespirit... I am in almost the exact same boat as you, except switch HE for SHE and there you go. It is soooooooo refreshing to hear I am not alone it this.
I feel the same about my wife... she was definitely a different person when we met than she is now. I feel like it was the classic stereotype---get roped in with lots of love and affection in the beginning, but then they gradually reveal that their type of love language is not the same as yours... much too late.
If my wife had told me in the early years that her expectations in our marriage would be activities and socializing, and that she really was not a sexual, affectionate person... who knows. What I do know is that I have always been a sexual, affectionate person, and that has not changed. I never misrepresented myself (that I know of!). I feel SHE misrepresented what she really wanted in our relationship, and the revealing came way too late. Oh boy! Let *refreshing* be the word of the day then. lol I appreciate your post so much! I know some of us relate to certain situations more than others, and I'm sorry you have to deal with such a similar scenario, but I am glad you're here and happy to know you. My husband has been married before, it was only for a couple of years, but it was an on again, off again relationship that they had years before getting married. They had one child together early on, and one while married. She cheated on him, and at this point I don't blame her one bit. I've sincerely asked him if he was this way with her and that's why she did, and his only response is "maybe so". Arghhhh! I know there may have been a red flag that I overlooked when we got together, maybe there was a lot more of them than I thought and he was just putting on a big act because he was tired of being alone. I don't know. I feel absolutely the same about the misrepresentation. I think his ideas about marriage must have been different than my own from the beginning. He has a very warped view of what a relationship is supposed to be like, admittedly so, because of his past relationships and the relationships of his parents and family members. I wish I had known that long ago.
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 14:20:53 GMT -5
You're in a judgment-free zone lovespirit . This group is a great place to rant and rave, and bounce ideas, thoughts and feelings. I much prefer it to EP, as EP was just "too much," for me. Glad you joined us. Thank you, Z. That's what I've needed, a place to get it out and bounce ideas.... I already love the people and advice here. I enjoyed EP, but yes there was a lot more "noise" over there. These boards are much more quiet and intimate. As I told Dan, I was the owner of a board like this one, although a different subject entirely, so I know my way around here pretty well and enjoy the forum setting. I feel right at home. Glad to meet you and that I can be here, despite the unfortunate circumstances.
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 14:13:12 GMT -5
Hi Lovespirit and welcome here. Hi tamara68! Glad to meet you
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 14:12:18 GMT -5
Hi lovespirit, you are among folks here that have gone or are going through your struggle. I hope you find the answers that you seek, but truly the answers will come from inside you. My only advise to you is to pick one problem at a time and work on it. You say finances are the big sticking point to leaving. Focus on that, find a way that suits you and go for it. I wish you luck and I hope you find peace.
P.S. I don't think there are any "typical" cheaters. Every situation is unique. Most of us here that go outside of our marriage for intimacy or just plain sex do so because our spouses are cheating us out of that thing we need the most. You might look at it as a sign of weakness, okay, but there is also strength in taking that first step away from your sexless situation. I'm not saying you should go out and do it. I'm just saying don't discard it simply because of the names attached to it. Again, good luck to you! It's nice to meet you, snowman. You are correct in your advice. We have accumulated a lot of STUFF over the years. Garages full. Since my husband turns to buying things instead of any real affection (and I admittedly have done some of the same due to the lack of affection/attention) we have a hoard of stuff. No kidding. I told him I'm getting rid of everything I can part with, and it's time to "lighten the load". He didn't say much, but gave me a little snarl. I can't drag this stuff around anymore. It's weighing me down. I'm going to sell what I can and see if I can stash some money away. You are right, every situation is different. I certainly don't judge anyone for going outside their marriage, and think if I had someone else it would help me immensely...even just a friend of the opposite sex to spend time with and hug. I've been down a similar road before. My ex-husband cheated on me for years and I became extremely depressed. I was done putting up with being shit on, so I went out and found a FWB. Eventually I found someone in a similar situation and we started a relationship. That relationship, although it didn't last, saved my life. My ex was mentally and emotionally abusive, bordering on physical. He used to use sex for control, and deny me any when he wasn't happy with me. Having a lover brought back my self-esteem, and gave me the courage to form an exit plan with his support. I don't regret what I did, although it was hard living a double-life I guess you would say. I wouldn't hesitate to do it right now, and it's not like the opportunity couldn't have presented itself with a few people, I just didn't have the courage at the time to let it go that far. I'm starting to gain my courage again. You go through your day to day routine and think maybe you can put up with this just a little bit longer, but then it's another holiday, or another birthday or...whatever is in the way. I keep telling myself that I know the marriage would look even worse to me if I was on the outside looking in. It's such a distorted view from inside this hole of a place. Anyway, I understand completely and relate to anyone that feels the need to go outside of their marriage to meet their needs, and it's certainly not off the table for me....Thank you so much for your response! Wishing much happiness for you! {hugs}
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 13:50:50 GMT -5
Lovespirit - Thank you for "coming out" You are not alone - and we ALL understand what you are going through. You are safe here. I think everyone here understands "the one that got away" the number one thing - It's not you! Thanks wewbwb! I'm glad to know I'm not alone. I've needed a safe place for so long. In fact in my marriage I haven't felt 'safe' since we met. I'm not sure exactly what I will choose to do about everything, but I welcome the support no matter what. I know it's not me, but it's oh so hard not to blame yourself. I replay everything in my mind trying to figure out what I did wrong to cause all of this. All I did was try to be a good, loving wife...I've had guy friends tell me before that a woman that wants sex often would be like a dream come true, and I always enjoyed a healthy sex life before him, except for control issues with my mentally abusive ex. I just don't understand how someone can flip a switch and not desire you anymore. It doesn't make sense to me.
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 6:34:57 GMT -5
Thank you, JMX! No, none of us want to be here, but misery does love company...lol I do understand what you're saying about the distorted view, and believe me it's not something I came up with overnight, it's taken several years of deep thought and observation of all situations. That said, I'm not locked into anything. I am open to whatever the universe has in store for me, old or new. I know there's something better than depression and hopelessness and it's time to turn things around. I'd all but given up and succumbed to a life of misery, then I realized he doesn't deserve the power to steal and control my happiness. This is MY life...and I need to start acting like it. So I am working on myself first and foremost. Your wishes are much appreciated. I need all I can get at this point. {Hugs}
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 6:18:58 GMT -5
Thanks LITW. I appreciate your response and your understanding. Glad to connect with someone that has a similar story.
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 6:05:45 GMT -5
I am also afraid about the effect of my husband and our marriage on my daughter. And I wish also I'd have a normal relationship. And my daughter would see how a couple can be affectionate. She can't remember having seen us kiss or cuddle. That makes me feel so sad. I feel EXACTLY the same way. I wish my kids had seen us affectionate at some point, but it's never happened. I don't know what damage has been done, or what their reaction will be if and when I'm eventually in a new relationship.
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 5:30:35 GMT -5
I'm so glad to be in a place where others understand. I have been reading the posts for some time now, and I guess it's time for a formal introduction. I was brokenlovespirit on EP...I mostly lurked and read a lot. I feel I connected with others through their stories, and it made me feel less alone. I have a very long story, but to sum it up we have been married 13 years, and sexless nearly the whole time. The first year we were together we had a fairly satisfying sex life, and when our son was born, he no longer had any interest in me. We have had sex probably 5 times since (never for longer than a few minutes) and it was mostly because of my begging and pleading (reset sex). We also have a daughter together (one of those times).
I have fantasized about leaving him for many years. I've had health problems for a good portion of the time we've been together, but regardless, I've had a high sex drive my entire life..and none of my issues have ever really affected me sexually. Because of my health though, I've only held a couple of odd jobs since we've been together, so the financial issues are the mountain that's holding me back from a divorce. I'm finally at a point that I'm starting to turn a corner with my health and things are really starting to improve, although I still have a ways to go. I know that the lack of love and affection/intimacy can have a real impact on your health, and that's a fact! I believe the lack of caring and compassion from my husband has amplified my problems, and I am bound and determined to get my life back and not sit here and wither away another year. It's a slow death...mourning my old self and the love that I used to feel in relationships. Omg, how I miss kissing someone and their eyes lighting up when they see me. I want that so much again. This is no life. He says he loves me, and even had the nerve the other day to tell me I was "sexy"...ugh. So meaningless from someone that hasn't been intimate with me but once in the last 5 years. I've grown to detest him, and I don't even want to sleep in the same bed with him, but he refuses to sleep on the couch most of the time, and I shouldn't have to. He stays on his edge of the bed, and I stay on mine. I refer to him as the "co-parent" because as I've told him, I don't even really think we're friends. We just co-exist in the same house.
We both have children from other marriages. His have no contact with him. My older kids adore him and think more of him than their own dad. They understand that I'm not happy and they know why, but they still dread the idea of me 'possibly' wanting a divorce. The two children we have together 12, and 10..adore him as well. Even though he is cranky most of the time, they love him to death because he buys them crap to win their love...that's all he knows how to do. The whole reason I decided to have a second family with him is because he was so kind, affectionate and caring. I thought he was amazing when we met and became heartbroken when he changed. I'm sure like most of you, I felt DUPED..like I married someone other than the person I thought I was marrying. I wanted to have children that would finally see a loving relationship between their parents, and all my dreams have been shattered. My children have lived a somewhat sheltered life, as he is an introvert and has never liked to do much or associate with people really, but I've been getting out more and more, and he either comes along or he can stay home. It doesn't matter to me anymore. My kids have only had one friend that has divorced parents (that they are aware of) and can't imagine what that would be like. The poor kids have no idea how things could change if Mommy was happy. They have no idea the world that awaits them out there, and I don't want them growing up any longer thinking this crap is NORMAL! It's so far from it. I don't want my daughter to marry a man that will emotionally abuse and neglect her, and I'm ashamed that I've let this go on as long as it has, but it was due to circumstances I couldn't control at the time. He obviously has mental problems, health problems or both. He is addressing some of his health problems, but will avoid the subject of getting his hormones tested. It's utterly ridiculous.
I now have self-esteem issues and feel that no one will want me with so much baggage and emotional damage. I'm working on myself though, and losing weight, changing my diet, my appearance, my attitude and hopefully my entire life. I'm trying to come up with an exit plan, it may take some time, but I've decided I just can't do this anymore. It's not fair to any of us. I'm really going to need support, and I'm thankful there is a place I can vent and let it all out.
I've never been unfaithful, but I sure have wished the opportunity had presented itself. I've talked to people online, but that's as far as it ever went. I can't believe I've been faithful, and neither can the very few people I've told about the situation. They said there's NO WAY they could have done it this long, and I deserve a medal.
The closest I've been online to someone else was a man that I used to date as a teen. We have periodically spoken and flirted over the last few years, with sometimes months in between our talks. He never asked if I was married, and I never said. I don't want to scare him away. He's the very honest type, and the last thing I want him to think is that I'm some typical "cheater". I would explain it all in person to him, if it ever got to that point...and if he asked me online I wouldn't hesitate to tell him the truth. I just haven't brought it up, because I feel like the minute he would see the word *married* he'd run. He was the "one that got away" for me, and was my best friend back then. Several years later, he told me he was in love with me after I was already in another relationship, and we never spoke again for over 20 years until I stumbled upon him on Facebook. His words have haunted me my whole life. I never thought I'd ever pursue another relationship again after this marriage..my husband was the last for me. Since my marriage has turned out this way, and recently I came to understand that I finally gave up trying some time ago (since I'm the only one that ever put forth any effort), I've done some serious soul searching and realized I've been in love with the one from my past all along. I don't know if I will be able to win his heart, or if I will meet someone new that will win mine...all I know is I'm ready to begin again and start my life over. I know there has to be real love out there somewhere.
Thank you for being here, and listening to all my gibberish. Sorry to drag this out so much. I can't ever be completely honest with anyone in my life. There is always a piece I have to leave out, depending on who they are..and here I can finally be totally honest and let it all out. That feels really good. I'm so tired of carrying this heavy burden alone.
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lovespirit
New Member
Living with someone and being so alone is the worst...
Posts: 15
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lovespirit on May 10, 2016 4:40:52 GMT -5
I'm so glad to be in a place where others understand. I have been reading the posts for some time now, and I guess it's time for a formal introduction. I was brokenlovespirit on EP...I mostly lurked and read a lot. I feel I connected with others through their stories, and it made me feel less alone.
I have a very long story, but to sum it up we have been married 13 years, and sexless nearly the whole time. The first year we were together we had a fairly satisfying sex life, and when our son was born, he no longer had any interest in me. I will repost and add more to my story in the regular forum. I'm happy to meet you all!
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