Takes me back. Now here's a woman who can sing, instead of standing on stage and trading her hot legs instead of making music (Beyonce, I am talking to you; oh, and Lorde, and all those hip hop chicks)
Mmhmm. Unlike many histories, my relationship with my wife is like old wine: it's improving and getting better. Yeah, ok, no sex. I am not interested in having sex with someone who doesn't enjoy it -- besides, I am getting to an age where I'd need the chemical crutch to even be able to 'do the deed'. But, when I joined EP back in 2009 I was in an abusive relationship. I called her on it, and she's been working on her behaviour, and, it seems, that she has felt encouraged to be more affectionate and accept affection more and more over the last 9 years. Practically everybody who sees us thinks we have a very loving and warm/intimate relationship. She's nowhere near as defensive as she used to be (in fact, as I see it, most of her then aggression was preemptively defensive). Maybe we have managed to build more trust on her side, anyway.
The more I have started to "tread my own path", the more relaxed she seems to have become.
Can we call it a 'success story'? I don't know. I am content and comfortable 90% of the time. And 5% of the time I am sad that I am missing the odd moment of pure joy, of rapture, of happiness that I was hoping for from my relationship. But that is a small trade-in. I don't see any other women around here who, in my opinion, would be more compatible or whom I could trust more. So - that's life. Life goes on (for the moment, anyway).
mmhmm - had a totally garbled site a while ago. Tried again and had to log in again just now, and, wonder of wonders, I actually arrived at a destination that was the top level of the site, but I could go on from there.
If I remember correctly, auto-play is actually a setting in youtube. I've been able to change that in the past (albeit desktop computer; I don't have an iphone). Pretty sure there's a settings icon some place; although, as I said, I've never used youtube with a mobile device.
Generalizing this is .... futile. There are men who like games, there are women who like games. I have spent many happy hours online-gaming with several ladies on different continents. And a few blokes, too. I play computer games solo, I play boardgames and cards - and my wife is into boardgames and cards as well. We invite people for dinner and games evenings. Would you consider team sports as play? Hobbies? I know several men on this board who love to spend time in their wood workshop. Then there are the poor saps who get addicted to one-armed bandits (many, many women players there). My wife spends several days a week meeting with other people who share her hobbies around wool and fibre and textiles. That's also playing. But it doesn't mean that every woman I meet out there will be a felter or weaver or spinner. My wife's friends, however, are, and there seem to be flocks of them.
All I can say is: if you do not like games or gaming or playing - don't get together with someone who is. Because it makes for some basic incompatibility if one person really enjoys one activity and the other views it with disdain.
Had a woman with me once who hated the fact that I read a lot of books. She didn't understand how or why. So she got jealous of the books and felt excluded and that the books were taking time away from her because she didn't dare interrupt me; not understanding that I can put a book aside any time someone talks to me.
Quote of the day:" Der Mensch ist nur da ganz Mensch wo er spielt" (Friedrich von Schiller) famous German poet who thought that man is only fully immersed as a human at play. I dig that. Some people just don't.
I still find time to go on photoshoots, to do woodwork, to cook dinner every day, to spend an hour in the hot tub with my wife in the evening and to cuddle with her in bed afterwards. The critical thing here is: people do what they want to do and don't do what they don't want to. So if a guy only sits at the computer playing games to the exclusion of everything else, then that's what he wants to do (and ignore his partner). If a woman only spends her time with her phone on facebook while her husband sits next to her in bed and she ignores him, then that's what she wants to do. Take it as read. Don't try to remodel them, go find someone else. They won't change unless they want to. And sometimes they have damned good reason (see below).
Last Edit: Jul 24, 2018 1:16:47 GMT -5 by petrushka
elynne , I haven't followed your backstory extensively, just seen a few posts in this thread - I am rarely in this forum any more, real life (tm) has been demanding. So, take my view with a grain of salt.
I have experience of being subjected to passive aggressive strategies, several periods in my life. What I have taken away from this, what I have learned at EP and put into practice with my wife who, 10 years ago, was extremely p-a and had me doubting my sanity by constantly making out that I was victimizing and abusing her, are two things.
Friends. My friends, her friends, people who were in the room: I quizzed them when she left the room, I asked if they thought I had been abusive, insulting, belittling. The feedback I got was that I wasn't, hadn't. That really helped me regain my mental equilibrium and confidence. Because I was really starting to doubt myself. What I learned to do: Don't play. Whenever I got hit in the gut with some p-a accusations, misinterpretations of my visage, my words, my passions -I stopped defending myself, I stopped engaging with those accusations, I stopped reacting, I ignored them, internally and externally. "this is just her playing those mindgames again". It was a relevation how quickly that abusive behaviour stopped, because I was not feeding it any more. They get power by making us react to their crap, and that encourages them (consciously or unconsciously) to do it some more.
Weird shit happens at times. My wife is from an emotionally and physically abusive family background. Most of her abuse of me was, if you want to call it that, preemptively defensive. For instance when I am visualizing something, or thinking hard about something, I kind of frown and look straight ahead without focusing. My wife would take this as my being angry and lash out at me for being angry and abusive and I'd try to say I was not so then she'd accuse me of lying which is one thing that DOES make me angry, and ... each would walk away upset. Crap. When I get passionate talking about something she would assume I was/am about to blow up (whereas, when I really am angry I get white about the nose and stop talking). Telling her that has not filtered through. .......
I don't play any more. I smile and nod and change the topic. My feelings are mine, my perception of my inner self is mine. I don't need anyone else to tell me what I feel, or defend myself against what they fantasize about me ... and I got my confidence back. I am not insane. I accept their perception as their perception but I don't feel that I have to wear the shoe that doesn't fit (like I used to). And I don't HAVE to change anyone's mind. If they insist on a particular perception of me, then so be it. I step aside. The dogs are barking, but the caravan moves on, as some old Arabic proverb would have it.
Trying to make a passive aggressive person happy only encourages them to do it more, while they make absolutely sure that they will never be happy with your efforts; always find a nit to pick, they do not WANT to be placated because it does not fit their game ... I just leave them sitting in their miserable sauce, it's not mine, just as it's not yours to take responsibility for.
my 2 cents worth. -P.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
h: @andie left us ☹️ No more Grammar Queen.
Oct 22, 2018 12:15:27 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: I'm also very sad to see that andie is gone
Oct 22, 2018 16:25:07 GMT -5
jim44444: hmisssunnybunny not only did andie delete her existence here she also deleted her tumblr account. Maybe her hubby found her online postings.
Oct 22, 2018 19:52:59 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Oh, no! Hope she is okay...
Oct 22, 2018 20:00:25 GMT -5
solodriver: I'm sad andie is gone too. She reached out to me when I first joined the group at a time when I was really sick, and talked to me everyday until I was well again and shared a lot of her stories with me.
Oct 22, 2018 20:58:28 GMT -5
isthisit: Apologies for being a techno numpty- can anyone help me to send a PM? When I choose the member as a recipient the error message indicating a staff member is required. Eh?
Nov 6, 2018 15:03:40 GMT -5
solodriver: isthisit you cannot send PMs until your membership changes to member
Nov 6, 2018 21:41:58 GMT -5
isthisit: Thanks solodriver and shynjdude for your replies. Is there some info somewhere about these divisions? I have had a mooch around and haven't come across it yet.
Nov 8, 2018 10:22:28 GMT -5
solodriver: I think it is/was under the Welcome tab, but not sure where.
Nov 8, 2018 21:52:19 GMT -5