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Post by petrushka on Feb 16, 2024 8:49:43 GMT -5
Thanks baza . I do know from my doctor that depression is often the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain, and medication can help restore the balance and get everything working correctly. I've not been one to start and stop taking medication, but only stopped this last time when the depression was really so low it didn't affect me negatively. Even now I have beat it back again without medication and won't need to take any. But I do talk to my doctor and have the medication available. It can take a couple of weeks for the medication to work once I start it, but fortunately I know I won't need to start it this time around. I am not a health care professional. However, I have been on antidepressants for years and probably will be forever. Some people need insulin. Others need antidepressants. I have read a great deal of research on my medication in addition to going to my psychiatrist 4 times a year for medication management. Depression is no joke. Antidepressants are NOT, in my EXPERIENCE, drugs that can simply be started and stopped if you feel a bit better. They don't work like that It's not like taking aspirin! There's no shame in taking insulin forever. Nor is there shame in taking an antidepressant forever. Some people can eventually stop taking an antidepressant if they've sustained a period of recovery. But one should not simply stop taking the antidepressant cold turkey-and NEVER without your doctor's advice. I have learned this the hard way.
Yes indeed. When my mother got pretty deep into dementia country the doctors at the local hospital prescribed some antidepressant - supposedly not one of the 'heavy' ones.
I did a bit of reading up, and found that stopping that stuff 'cold turkey' can actually kill you. Not for certain but I remember a double figure percentage of fatal withdrawl effects.
Handle with care. -P.
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Post by petrushka on Aug 31, 2023 4:49:46 GMT -5
Counter-refusal is a non profit game, in my opinion. I mean: if I withdraw, my wife gets quite discombobulated - but is that going to kindle passion and desire in her? Not on your nelly. She has no desire and she's afraid of passion (I don't know what is so threatening about passion, but that's where she lives). Meanwhile, I can touch, I can hug. I don't expect sex out of it - hell, I don't want sub par dead fish sex with someone who's "not interested any more". But, I can still enjoy a hug, I can still enjoy rubbing my face against hers, I can still enjoy putting my hand on her arse and snuggling up to a warm body in bed at night. I don't do it with expectations other than the instant gratification I get from doing just that. I enjoy the warmth, I enjoy the feeling of certain curves against the palm of my hand ... I just fricking enjoy the sensation and don't hang any expectations off of it. I do it for me. Funnily enough, while I am in this headspace she even seems to enjoy the contact. But, seriously, I'm not doing it to make her happy. Or because I expect whatever: I live in the moment. Inasmuch as I still have desires to engage in sex with a female of the species, it would have to be someone else. Someone who likes to give and receive, enjoys passion and lust and playfulness. Frankly, I hold no high hopes that someone like that will cross my path; I am nearly 70, I am blessed with my father's body shape (quite rotund rather than carrying rolls of fat) and probably not very attractive to a lot of people. And I have the 'married' thing around my neck, which will put some people off, because they'll be afraid I won't be able to commit or put in some time and effort. Oh well. So my motto is: just take out of the moment what is there to be had, and enjoy life to the max, rather than pining for what I don't have.
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Post by petrushka on Aug 6, 2023 5:52:39 GMT -5
I bought a pair of olive trees. And why not? There is an old saying that every man should plant at least one olive tree. The gift is wuurky, eco wonderful abd with a 2000 year life span those trees will see me out.... just Ah I have shied away from olive trees ever since they became fashionable in northern NZ.
You just had me reconsidering, and then I got a clue: I actually planted a couple in the macadamia nut orchard at my farm, when a couple of macadamia seedlings didn't make it. Never saw any olives in 30 odd years, and maybe all for the better: I have been
given home processed olives by friends and found them to be pretty awful; and you need a lot of trees to get oil pressed. The pressed oil from your own trees works out about several times the price of good quality Italian or Spanish imported oil. Heh!
But, I have a nice set of salad spoons made from olive wood. I like them. Lovely grain.
strange avenues of thinking going down some rabbit hole or other .....
Oh, and, in this country, a wooden spoon has symbolic value: you give it to someone who loses a competition. Maybe a gift idea for your wife?!?
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Post by petrushka on May 31, 2023 16:11:59 GMT -5
Quite the soundbite from tesseract "women seemed to be turned off by "emotional vomiting" your needs at them. They just perceive you as more needy and are less attracted to you" I have found this to be true in not only my marriage but also in my bachelor days. This opinion may be worthy of its own discussion thread. Would interesting to hear from the ladies on this one.
I suggest you offset this against the perceived practices that men clam up about their pain, needs, and wants, whereas women just want to talk talk talk about the problems in their lives.
Or, to put a different angle on it: yes, clearly, *refusers* don't like to be confronted with the emotional mess they are causing, don't want to hear about it never mind do anything to rectify their behaviour or the situation in general. They'd much rather stick their head in the sand. So, yes, they would react negatively ... obviously.
Here's another angle: in my 20s, when I was looking for a relationship, women were 'rare on the ground'. When I was in a relationship and happy with it, they'd be all over me. Clearly there is a function there that a happy guy is more attractive. I don't think that works reciprocatively.
In any event, the refuser in your life doesn't really want to hear about it, because it gives them the heebiee jeebies. You're pointing out how they are failing, and how they are doing a shit job at being a partner. Heh. Surprise. Vomiting has relatively little to do with it. In most cases.
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Post by petrushka on Apr 6, 2023 8:31:23 GMT -5
Interesting talk in relation to our issue...
Frankly, this guy gives me the creeps. He's selling something ...
The thing that immediately came to my mind are the Scientologists and the Lighthouse Cult (the BBC is just doing a series on the latter). He's talking about 'group that sticks together' rah rah rah, and 'call me any time'.
Not everything he says I'd discount as bullshit, but I'd stay away from this guy outside of that. For instance the way he goes on about 'The #1 reason ...' is, well, not factually WRONG, but ... Not every control freak is a narcissist. Not every narcissist is all about control. The control freak isn't necessarily even all about the other person -- for instance someone who by circumstance (i.e. their family situation, alcoholic or mentally ill parent, having to take over too early in life, whatever) is primed to become a control freak or co-dependent as the case may be, will have BIG
problems actually surrendering themselves to their feelings and their body in the sex act, giving their sex partner that much control over their body and feelings.
Most controlling people will never arrive at the awareness that that is what's going on with them. And so they deny themselves, and they deny their significant other, their family ... ... so then it leads to conflict of interest and things branch out, could be gaslighting, could be pre-emptive passive aggressive behaviour, could be hypochondria and gods know what else - the result is: no sex is happening, no intimacy is happening (because they're both too scary, uncomfortable, ...). So.
Not to mention that a lot (if not most) of control freaks and co-dependents are in the main untouched by narcissism and have a completely different agenda.
Just as an example.
The phrase that stuck out 'I can't understand ...'. Well, if he can't, should he presume to fix things for people? (cough, cough)
***
Hey, does anyone remember the video about the broken coke machine? I can't even remember that fellows name, but he wasn't selling anything.
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Post by petrushka on Mar 16, 2023 23:48:14 GMT -5
Um, married 23 years, 20 of them sexless. The relationship is very affectionately platonic. Not going to repeat the entirely history. 14 years ago I called her on the passive aggressive hell my life had become, and she mended her ways. Definitely did. When your significant other comes in the door after a day away and their face lights up when they see you, it's clear that there is some "I want you" involved. Oh, and, we are in Whangarei, New Zealand.
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Post by petrushka on Feb 5, 2023 18:07:28 GMT -5
Yeesh, I always wanted kids, but somehow never got around to it.
Now I'm thinking that I maybe dodged a potential bullet or two :-\
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Post by petrushka on Feb 2, 2023 3:41:46 GMT -5
Oh the blessing coming from a culture were Valentines and Valentine's Day are non events. Or at least were in my youth. And SWMBO is of a like mind. ( I give up - what is SWMBO? {laughs} for me it is a literary reference - "Rumpole of the Bailey" by John Mortimer refers to his wife that way: "She Who Must Be Obeyed".
Of course, there is a lot of innuendo there. I believe its origin goes back even further to H.Rider Haggard's novel "SHE" where some intrepid explorer stumbles into a people, a culture, in deepest Africa that is led by an absolute ruler, a goddess-queen only referred to as "SHE" (... who must be obeyed).
A little sarcastic, a little cynic, a little disrespectful, a little 'she who must be avoided' ... and preferably not obeyed as SHE would like it to be.
A woman who makes pronouncements and utters demands.
Side note: interesting you are not familiar with the expression. It is in widespread use in the UK as well ad Oz and NZ. Even my Canadian friend knows and uses it!
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Post by petrushka on Jan 25, 2023 5:28:00 GMT -5
New weird one, a spoon! Apparently my son's girlfriend's teen daughter will not eat with us as were are not her spoons!! People you eat with. About as offensive as it cones in my book
Did you try to ladle your soup with her? That might have served to make it acceptable to this precious little twerp.
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Post by petrushka on Jan 25, 2023 5:23:00 GMT -5
I note that a lot of women who are superbly sensitive to being criticized, having comments made about how they look, how they talk, what they're wearing think about nothing at all when it comes to make disparaging comments about the looks of men, or savagely critique their actions. Clearly a @ me3 occasion. In fact, a lot of women see it as their prerogative (and often savagely rip into other women as well) but woe and betide should a man do that. Actually, come to think about it, there are lots of arseholes who do just that. Damn.
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Post by petrushka on Jan 25, 2023 2:41:38 GMT -5
I have learned a lot of vocabulary here but just stumbled on a new term that might be helpful here. Passive weaponized incompetence No matter how it plays out, the goal of weaponized incompetence is to get one's partner to throw up their hands and just do the job themselves. It's a manipulative strategy to get out of a task in the moment and, ultimately, long-term. Weaponized incompetence can be seen as a form of gaslighting. This is when a person is made to think that their feelings about a given situation are invalid or blown out of proportion. Because of this, it can be difficult for a victim of weaponized incompetence to realize what is being done to them. [Also, thank you to all for being teachers as well as commiserators. I have learned a lot on this forum and it has helped me] Oh my freaking god. You just reminded me of my flatmate Eve some 40 years ago. She wanted to have a bookshelf. So she went and bought some boards, found a rusty saw and a couple of sawhorses and set it all up in her bedroom; Then she invited a workmate for dinner, and when he came in the door, there she was ineffectually rasping away at one of the boards.
Made quite an impression on me. Let it be known, it was not a good one.
Have to say this for my wife: if I offer to help with some handyman or tradesman job she's undertaking, and she is quite intrepid, I get growled at. No machine or tool in my workshop is safe. I have to wait to be asked. And usually she will figure it out for herself.
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Post by petrushka on Jan 25, 2023 2:32:52 GMT -5
Bumping the thread. It's that time of year. Brace yourselves.
Oh the blessing coming from a culture were Valentines and Valentine's Day are non events. Or at least were in my youth. And SWMBO is of a like mind. (to the point where she ignored my birthday at times, and her birthday at times). Heck, this year we even ignored X-mess. {big smile}.
I have hated X-mess since my teens because of a) the hypocrisy 364 days of the year they slag each other off, then one day every thing is love and .. cough cough and then the alcohol takes over and the family violence starts. b) the family violence, and c) sad lonely people feeling so much more lonely and sad, sitting in the pub crying into their beer. All of which I have experienced except there was no alcohol and violence in my own family. But still, the whole thing is tainted. So I go and paint with a broad brush: forget mother's day (since I was 8 or 9), forget Easter (except for chocolate eggs), and none of most of the other festivities - they don't even have a 4th of July or Thanksgiving where I come from.
Bah Humbug! {runs away cackling}
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Post by petrushka on Jan 21, 2023 20:04:07 GMT -5
Happy January one and all, the only month that always delivers on its promises. Here's my take on the start of 2023:
Well, January certainly failed to deliver on the draught the weathermen (and women) promised us for most of last year. Also, we haven't had many days above 27 C which is a blessing. Instead we had some tropical storm remnants through, wrecking houses, bridges, and roads (but that is normal). I got another year older, but that was no kind of promise, that was set.
And we lost a damn good prime minister who had been hounded by haters and death threats and misogynistic slander. Sad. I was not a fan, and I think she made mistakes, but that was abusing a good, well intentioned human being until she had a guts-full and left. That was not a promise by anyone. And not exactly 'promising' in the other meaning of the word.
Life is good and stable in this above-ground concrete bunker (bully to the summer storms); we ignored X-mess altogether and wasn't that a good choice? Well, we took a friend out to a Thai restaurant for her birthday which happens to fall right in the middle of the festive occasion.
The wife is hardly home; she's either mowing the greens at the croquet club, or playing several times a week, or she's at the Rock and Gemstone Club, cutting and polishing, or she 's out spinning with someone ... But the unexpected side effect is, that she's almost always really happy to come home to me and get a cuddle and some kisses, she visibly lights up. But yeah, sex doesn't come up: she really is not interested. Tempted to say {sigh} but really, I don't give a shit any more.
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Post by petrushka on Jan 18, 2023 4:33:48 GMT -5
Or if it happens early enough, like on the 'honeymoon', it may be sufficient for an annulment.
However, how many freshly married grooms or brides would recognize what the score is for their future
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Post by petrushka on Dec 12, 2022 18:57:25 GMT -5
{tongue in cheek warning}
I guess whosoever came up with that (X-tian) formula "forsake ...til death ..." didn't read the OT. Solomon had how many wives again? The Muslims (basically another Abrahamic religion) have a different take; depending on which flavour of Islam - in some cases, it's how ever many wives you can afford. Unfortunately they went cock-eyed when it comes to how they see, and treat women. My heart bleeds for any female living and/or growing up in Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, etc ... Certainly no hint of equality, love, and sharing things.
Then there's "Nature's Way": -breed as many heifers as you can -go and breed with the strongest bull you can find There are a very few monogamous animals, but the vast majority aren't.
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