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Post by Neotericgal on Jun 28, 2016 21:07:18 GMT -5
I am sitting here on my tablet as I seem to do almost every night to escape my misery and heartbreak... half hoping that you will read this but knowing you wont hear my silent screams... again. I'm so exhausted of feeling neglected while you give your online gaming friends the attention and time that I desire so greatly from you. There is a whole big world out there, and I want to explore it with you, but you prefer your office to that, to me. I'm unbearably lonely in this town, no real friends, no family apart from my daughter to talk to. You are supposed to be my solace, my "go to" person, and yet I've never felt more utterly alone. I sacrificed a lot for you, my home, my family to be with you. I have given you more then any woman you've ever been with, with the exception of your mother - who gave you life. I tried to have 'the talk' in December with you, and your failure to take any responsibility for the pain that your withholding sexual intimacy for all these years and blaming it on "stress" from life made me want to weep. Ive tried to explain the depth of the inner anguish i feel, how undesirable, unwanted, unappreciated that i feel. When we talked in December and I drummed up the courage to tell you that I couldn't bear to remain in a sexless marriage, and offered you a year (yes, this coincides with my upcoming graduation) to show me that I was in the very least worth the cost of seeing a doctor to address your ED. Why haven't you done so? How can I believe that you are 'in love' with me as you claim? Isn't that kind of love demonstrated by a willingness to put your spouse's needs above your own because you want to, and not because I'm asking you to? Why do I feel as though this is one sided? You brushed off the idea of counseling in Dec. and you've made NO apology nor acknowledged my pain, ever. I was absolutely stunned when you told me tonight that you thought our marriage was fine! We haven't had sex in a year, and a year before that. I want to be ravished, kissed senseless, thrown on the bed and taken like you used to years ago before it became less then vanilla. I was serious tonight. I cannot do this sexless marriage for much longer, and while I hope that you will honor your word to find a doctor, I am not holding my breath any more. I'm beginning to think I will have better odds of seeing a unicorn farting glitter in my backyard. You claim money is an issue, but I am consistently contributing while I go to school, so any treatment costs for meds not covered by our insurance shouldn't be yet another excuse. After all, you have enough cash apparently to buy beer every other weekend, right? Im hurt, angry, disappointed, sad, frustrated, and even though I love you, what first drew me to you is being shredded as each day goes by and my degree comes closer to becoming a reality. I have almost lost all hope in us, who fought so hard to be together but are now miles apart... and while I wish that you meant what you said about working on things, I'm wiser now to realize that you are probably just buying time, again. I am hopeful, but I now have one foot out the door just in case.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 28, 2016 21:36:50 GMT -5
Hey Neotericgal, sorry for your situation. Sounds like it's time to take your husband to your local home improvement store and back to the lumber department. Help him pick out a nice 2x4, then swing it upside his head! Normally, I would say he is depressed, but he says everything is fine. ED? Maybe, but I am doubtful. He just plain doesn't care. He won't even tell you what's wrong. I begged my wife to see a gynecologist, but she wouldn't. I am packing my parachute to make the jump. It sounds like you are well on your way, too. Congratulations on finishing school. You are more than in the right place.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2016 21:39:34 GMT -5
Hey Neotericgal, sorry for your situation. Sounds like it's time to take your husband to your local home improvement store and back to the lumber department. Help him pick out a nice 2x4, then swing it upside his head! Normally, I would say he is depressed, but he says everything is fine. ED? Maybe, but I am doubtful. He just plain doesn't care. He won't even tell you what's wrong. I begged my wife to see a gynecologist, but she wouldn't. I am packing my parachute to make the jump. It sounds like you are well on your way, too. Congratulations on finishing school. You are more than in the right place. He/she just plain doesn't care. That sums up 95% of sexless marriages.
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Post by Neotericgal on Jun 28, 2016 21:47:57 GMT -5
Thank you obobfla, taking him to the home depot sounds like a great idea! Lol. On a serious note, I feel like I've been on some sort of twisted carnival ride in this relationship, outwardly to everyone around us everything is fabulous, the perfect couple. He recently supported his own best friend through a divorce from a SM, you'd think that he would've caught on how devastating it was to the refused but he didn't - that was so clear to me after our talk tonight.
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Post by Neotericgal on Jun 28, 2016 21:55:14 GMT -5
I feel as though Ive been in denial about him not caring, specifically about my needs or my feelings. If i'm pmsy, he buys me chocolate. Wants to talk about our future, make plans for after my grad, but breaks out in hives practically if the conversation veers toward anything deep with regards to us. Im guilty of just going along with things and allowing it to go on as if nothings wrong.
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Post by baza on Jun 28, 2016 22:02:57 GMT -5
Do you have legal advice from a lawyer in your jurisdiction so you know how a divorce would shake out for you ? Do you have an exit strategy anywhere near do-able status ? Do you have your support network stitched up ? Have you researched everything you can find about helping kids (if any) transition through such an event ? - If the answers there are yes, yes, yes and yes, then you do indeed have "one foot out the door" (ie a do-able plan that you can enact at your discretion). - You might want to give him an ultimatum (with the above plan as your fall back position) but if you have played that card before (and it sort of looks like you have) then he ain't likely to take you seriously. You really only get to play that "ultimatum card" once - in rare instances twice - before your spouse realises you don't mean it. - Unless you are prepared to follow through on any ultimatum, my suggestion would be not to make the threat. All you do is shred your cred.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 28, 2016 22:07:06 GMT -5
Neotericgal, I almost think it is worse than if he complained about something such as you gaining weight (not that you have, just an example). It's like he can't be honest and open with you or he thinks you can't handle the truth. Stress? The best way I know to relieve stress is to get naked and have sex. You have every right to confront him about his feelings. He's hiding something, and it might be something from himself. He may not have another woman, but he's not with you. For whatever reason, he's not trusting you either.
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Post by unmatched on Jun 28, 2016 23:25:56 GMT -5
I really liked your letter. It doesn't sound like a rant to me at all, just an honest expression of how you feel. Why don't you give it to him? (You can always edit slightly if there are bits you aren't comfortable with) It sounds as though it is hard to pin him down to a conversation, and it may be hard for you to say everything you want to say. Give him this and everything is on the table. But make sure you are ready for the fallout first! Good luck.
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Post by Neotericgal on Jun 28, 2016 23:30:45 GMT -5
I just wanted to add that I am usually not so 'me' centered. After reading my previous posts it kind of looks that way to even me! Im grateful to have someone who will listen to me. :(
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Post by Neotericgal on Jun 28, 2016 23:53:03 GMT -5
I really liked your letter. It doesn't sound like a rant to me at all, just an honest expression of how you feel. Why don't you give it to him? (You can always edit slightly if there are bits you aren't comfortable with) It sounds as though it is hard to pin him down to a conversation, and it may be hard for you to say everything you want to say. Give him this and everything is on the table. But make sure you are ready for the fallout first! Good luck. Thank you unmatched for your advice! I think I will do that if I can find the courage to print it, lol. It is hard to say what I want to say to him, I get anxious and scared because I'm unsure of what his reaction will even be. There were times when he would shut me down completely, (his ED is a touchy subject for him) but he actually listened this time and somewhat heard me out. (Least I think he did..)
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Post by baza on Jun 29, 2016 3:37:19 GMT -5
Quoting you here Ms mogirlable - "I just wanted to add that I am usually not so 'me' centered. After reading my previous posts it kind of looks that way to even me! Im grateful to have someone who will listen to me. " - In fact "me" thinking is EXACTLY what is required here. There's no "us", there's no "we" in these situations. - Adopting "me" thinking is precisely what you need to do. If *you* do not make the necessary choice(s) in your own best long term interests, you can be certain that no-one else is going to do that for you.
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Post by Dan on Jun 29, 2016 7:40:15 GMT -5
I just wanted to add that I am usually not so 'me' centered. After reading my previous posts it kind of looks that way to even me! Im grateful to have someone who will listen to me. Your letter is SO well written... because it is from the heart. I don't know you, and yet I can feel that that letter is earnestly you. Stating that you want and need intimacy in your marriage is NOT SELFISH. It is not any more selfish than saying "I need to eat"!
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Post by ggold on Jun 29, 2016 9:44:10 GMT -5
I am sitting here on my tablet as I seem to do almost every night to escape my misery and heartbreak... half hoping that you will read this but knowing you wont hear my silent screams... again. I'm so exhausted of feeling neglected while you give your online gaming friends the attention and time that I desire so greatly from you. There is a whole big world out there, and I want to explore it with you, but you prefer your office to that, to me. I'm unbearably lonely in this town, no real friends, no family apart from my daughter to talk to. You are supposed to be my solace, my "go to" person, and yet I've never felt more utterly alone. I sacrificed a lot for you, my home, my family to be with you. I have given you more then any woman you've ever been with, with the exception of your mother - who gave you life. I tried to have 'the talk' in December with you, and your failure to take any responsibility for the pain that your withholding sexual intimacy for all these years and blaming it on "stress" from life made me want to weep. Ive tried to explain the depth of the inner anguish i feel, how undesirable, unwanted, unappreciated that i feel. When we talked in December and I drummed up the courage to tell you that I couldn't bear to remain in a sexless marriage, and offered you a year (yes, this coincides with my upcoming graduation) to show me that I was in the very least worth the cost of seeing a doctor to address your ED. Why haven't you done so? How can I believe that you are 'in love' with me as you claim? Isn't that kind of love demonstrated by a willingness to put your spouse's needs above your own because you want to, and not because I'm asking you to? Why do I feel as though this is one sided? You brushed off the idea of counseling in Dec. and you've made NO apology nor acknowledged my pain, ever. I was absolutely stunned when you told me tonight that you thought our marriage was fine! We haven't had sex in a year, and a year before that. I want to be ravished, kissed senseless, thrown on the bed and taken like you used to years ago before it became less then vanilla. I was serious tonight. I cannot do this sexless marriage for much longer, and while I hope that you will honor your word to find a doctor, I am not holding my breath any more. I'm beginning to think I will have better odds of seeing a unicorn farting glitter in my backyard. You claim money is an issue, but I am consistently contributing while I go to school, so any treatment costs for meds not covered by our insurance shouldn't be yet another excuse. After all, you have enough cash apparently to buy beer every other weekend, right? Im hurt, angry, disappointed, sad, frustrated, and even though I love you, what first drew me to you is being shredded as each day goes by and my degree comes closer to becoming a reality. I have almost lost all hope in us, who fought so hard to be together but are now miles apart... and while I wish that you meant what you said about working on things, I'm wiser now to realize that you are probably just buying time, again. I am hopeful, but I now have one foot out the door just in case. I am so sorry that you are going through this pain and hurt. I know exactly how you feel. I have actually given my H letters expressing my feelings. I wrote another one a couple of weeks ago but have not yet given it to him. (I may or may not.). In my situation, what I have said to him throughout the years didn't matter He never got help for his no libido, never tried to help himself. I have been sexless for 9 years. My hurt is deep but now I am empowered and trying to make changes in my life for a happier future. You are in a great community for support. ((Hugs))
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Post by Neotericgal on Jun 29, 2016 13:00:02 GMT -5
Dan and Baza, thank you so much for validating how I feel. Ive been in this relationship for many years now, dated for two, married for 12. Things began waning for us 9 years ago, and I've stuck it out this far, but I'm beginning to see that this may never get better, especially if he doesn't get help! Ive run that emotional gauntlet where I've blamed myself for his lack of seeming to want to connect, stopped talking to peole we knew about our struggle because it was embarrassing for him and essentially became isolated even more.
Ggold, ((hugs)) back at you!! Im encouraged that you gave your H your first letter, and your post gives me some courage to "poke the bear" with my own. Thank you all again for your ear, your honest feedback and support!!!
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 30, 2016 1:52:52 GMT -5
I'm willing to sign over the house if I can even do that, or let him buy me out for legal costs. Don't do this. You may want a quick exit, but in your desperation to get out you'll make life that much harder to restart. The last thing he deserves is a reward for his bad behavior.
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