idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Feb 8, 2020 9:07:54 GMT -5
I’ve been thinking about this forum and lurking around for quite a while now. I haven’t been here for a very long time and I thought it would be good to join this group again. I’d like to be more active here than before.
My SM is the same as before. If some of you don’t know or remember my backstory: H is under medical treatment for OCD that prevents him from performing, yet he has no problem when he’s alone. Nothing has changed. Therapy is a big no-no because it means hard work, though it would be more effective. Taking the pill is the easiest way even with all the crazy side effects because he doesn’t have to make any efforts.
He’s a controller, but I’ve learned how to live with it. I stopped “nagging” and arguing, and I think I’ve turned quite passive aggressive. We officially reached roommate status. We haven’t had sex or any kind of physical affection (pecks, hugs or anything) for more than two years now. At one point H insisted to sleep together again, but it just made me feel awkward, so this time it was me moving out of our bedroom and made the guest room into my own space. We never go out together and don’t talk much to each other. When someone asks me how’s the H, I honestly don’t know what to answer - he’s fine, I guess.
Coping with the SM is not so difficult, though the tension made me return to my old habit of smoking (and I’m not proud of it). I’m not resentful anymore, I’ve been working a lot on keeping myself busy physically and mentally to not get consumed by those thoughts and feelings. I concentrate on everything around me from gardening to participating in community events to learning a new language. Just not being around him helps a lot too. I also got myself together, dressing up nicely, make up and everything. It helped to get my self esteem back. The H noticed it as well; his only comment was if I was going out with someone... Once he told me he feels sorry for me because I’m too young to live like this. I don’t know what’s to do with this “sorry”. I think if he really feels sorry he would try and do something about it.
I chose to stay. I have to. A divorce wouldn’t end well for me right now. I’m still living here on spousal visa and unless I can change that, I can do nothing. I’m working on it. I just turned 32 and I hope I can get out of this one day. Outsourcing is an option. If the opportunity comes I don’t know if I’d take the chance. I haven’t made up my mind yet, but I could manage it (the money, contacting and travelling) without being traceable.
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Post by Handy on Feb 8, 2020 14:15:16 GMT -5
Welcome back Idna. There are lots of "room mate status" people on this forum that understand your predicament.
I am happy to hear you are doing your own things to alleviate some of the negatives you find yourself in.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 8, 2020 14:16:20 GMT -5
Welcome back to the forum, idna, and my condolences about your situation. Has your husband tried different medications or doses? It might be a losing battle at this point, with the deteriorating relationship. Does he even see his problem as a problem to be solved? It seems, most refusers are pretty comfortable thinking they are normal. Divorce and the citizenship problem, I have no idea about, but it's important that you know where you stand. I hope the laws are lenient regarding outsourcing, should a FWB opportunity arise.
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Post by baza on Feb 8, 2020 17:41:50 GMT -5
Hello again Sister idna . Back on 22 August 2017 you were planning on seeing a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see what courses of action you had available to you to unravel the marriage given your situation of being an expatriate in Japan. Did that lead anywhere ? That information seems critical. Sister elynne faced similar difficulties to you but that was in The Netherlands with her being a USA citizen. Same principle involved but different jurisdictions.
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Post by elynne on Feb 8, 2020 18:14:32 GMT -5
Hello again Sister idna . Back on 22 August 2017 you were planning on seeing a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see what courses of action you had available to you to unravel the marriage given your situation of being an expatriate in Japan. Did that lead anywhere ? That information seems critical. Sister elynne faced similar difficulties to you but that was in The Netherlands with her being a USA citizen. Same principle involved but different jurisdictions. Hi idna. Baza was correct. I had visa issues. When I initially moved to the Netherlands to be with my husband I had a “knowledge immigrant” visa. It gave me a beneficial tax status and had some other perks. Long story short, I eventually ended up with a spousal visa. Basically my reason for being in the country was because I was married to a resident. If I was no longer married I no longer had a right to stay. Meanwhile I had two children that had only lived in the Netherlands and I was the primary caretaker. In the event of a divorce I would have had to leave the country until I could sort out my visa. And most immigration and naturalization offices aren’t known for being helpful or speedy. In order to cover all my bases and to remove the leverage my husband had over me, I decided to apply for citizenship. From start to finish it was around a two year process. I had hope that relationship counseling would help. I was willing to try anything to save my miserable marriage. But man, was I happy I started my citizenship process when I did. If I had been able to save my marriage an extra passport would cause no harm. And it gave me the freedom to decide where I wanted to live independent of my relationship. You can always talk to an immigration lawyer in your jurisdiction to ask about the procedure in your jurisdiction. Being informed and prepared gives you more options. And don’t underestimate how difficult it can be to be in a loveless marriage in a foreign country, so far from friends and family. Reach out for support and help if you need it.
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Feb 8, 2020 22:09:11 GMT -5
Thank you for the warm welcome! I think that’s why I wanted come back here. Facing this alone in a country where a marriage like this is culturally normal is not easy. I look at married couples and can’t help thinking that they might live in a SM. Handy Distracting myself isn’t difficult since I’m not attracted to him as before. ironhamster That’s exactly what he always says, that it’s normal. I know my situation is special, because it’s caused by medication. But he is perfectly fine with it, not looking for alternatives, not trying at all. Even if he’d do something, I don’t think things will get better. I have mixed feelings about it. I can’t think about him as a lover anymore. Outsourcing is pretty common here. Many people are doing it until they can/instead of divorce. It pops into my head sometimes but I’m very faint-hearted about it, because of my visa. baza There are many international law offices here and they are very helpful. With only a spousal visa, I’m in the same place as elynne was. Applying for permission to settle is the next thing for me to do. It gives the same rights and benefits as a citizenship, and it’s easier to get. From there, I can think about separation. Until then, just baby steps. I have many things to work on, including a full time job (I’m working half-time) to finally reach that financial freedom, but it’s not easy with a small child at home. Changes are coming, but Japan isn’t a good place for working moms. And I have to work on myself too, because I feel guilty just by writing about this.
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Post by baza on Feb 8, 2020 22:24:15 GMT -5
You've got that right where you say - "And I have to work on myself too". Indeed that's where everything starts, with you sorting your own shit out. That tends to lead to an empowered position, and from that empowered position you will be able to handle the assorted problems an ILIASM situation involves. It actually reads like you've started the process of sorting your shit out Sister idna , and attending to your financial independence too. These are both good things to do ... for anyone, not just ILIASM persons.
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Post by saarinista on Feb 9, 2020 0:29:32 GMT -5
I'd never thought of moving to Japan. I'm sure you had your good reasons, but it doesn't sound too hot unless you're Japanese.
Actually, it sounds like a lot of Japanese folks aren't that happy either.
Maybe they need to have more sex. 🤔
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 9, 2020 15:20:26 GMT -5
Almost 2 and 1/2 yrs since you were last here? Rereading your earlier history has me wondering what sort of work you are pursuing in Japan. Marriage between different cultures has to be challenging. Noting that so many marriages between same language persons end in divorce I am not surprised to see how difficult it is to assimilate into another culture. You have been working toward an escape for a long time, but you seem determined to find your way to the other side. Good luck and keep posting.
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Feb 10, 2020 0:23:33 GMT -5
Almost 2 and 1/2 yrs since you were last here? Rereading your earlier history has me wondering what sort of work you are pursuing in Japan. Marriage between different cultures has to be challenging. Noting that so many marriages between same language persons end in divorce I am not surprised to see how difficult it is to assimilate into another culture. You have been working toward an escape for a long time, but you seem determined to find your way to the other side. Good luck and keep posting. Part-time English teacher, and selling my paintings on the side. I’ve started the latter years before. I had to realise that teaching is the easiest here for an English speaker and pays well enough. I’m qualified, but not an English teacher, so I was always afraid of it. Sometimes I feel more determined, but then I start to question myself because he’s not a bad person after all. If he was a monster, it wouldn’t be so difficult to leave.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 10, 2020 8:13:34 GMT -5
Almost 2 and 1/2 yrs since you were last here? Rereading your earlier history has me wondering what sort of work you are pursuing in Japan. Marriage between different cultures has to be challenging. Noting that so many marriages between same language persons end in divorce I am not surprised to see how difficult it is to assimilate into another culture. You have been working toward an escape for a long time, but you seem determined to find your way to the other side. Good luck and keep posting. Part-time English teacher, and selling my paintings on the side. I’ve started the latter years before. I had to realise that teaching is the easiest here for an English speaker and pays well enough. I’m qualified, but not an English teacher, so I was always afraid of it. Sometimes I feel more determined, but then I start to question myself because he’s not a bad person after all. If he was a monster, it wouldn’t be so difficult to leave. Both before and after I called time of death on my SM I questioned my actions and decision. My X was not a bad person either. And we shared many traits and attitudes about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We liked and enjoyed many of the same things. She had many excellent qualities, but being a good wife and a loving spouse was no longer one of them. But ending things when we did it was possible to part while still on amiable terms and we remain friends. If you have had the "talk" with him and explained precisely how his actions and lack of affection are damaging you and the marriage then there isn't a lot more you can do. He knows there is a problem but he has chosen his culture and personal preferences over your wants and needs. He has made a decision as to what is most important to him. Now you have to decide what is most important to you and what you want in your life going forward.
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Post by elynne on Feb 11, 2020 6:46:37 GMT -5
Almost 2 and 1/2 yrs since you were last here? Rereading your earlier history has me wondering what sort of work you are pursuing in Japan. Marriage between different cultures has to be challenging. Noting that so many marriages between same language persons end in divorce I am not surprised to see how difficult it is to assimilate into another culture. You have been working toward an escape for a long time, but you seem determined to find your way to the other side. Good luck and keep posting. Part-time English teacher, and selling my paintings on the side. I’ve started the latter years before. I had to realise that teaching is the easiest here for an English speaker and pays well enough. I’m qualified, but not an English teacher, so I was always afraid of it. Sometimes I feel more determined, but then I start to question myself because he’s not a bad person after all. If he was a monster, it wouldn’t be so difficult to leave. I see so many parallels between your story and mine. I’m going to give you my unsolicited opinion and I’m sorry if it’s not pleasant to hear. My husband was romantic and sweet in the beginning. He sent flowers, gave sweet and thoughtful little gifts, wrote me love notes. I think in the beginning he had the best intentions. But despite the heady allure of new love, he has some major issues. In a nutshell, he grew up with an anxious and controlling mother, with narcissistic tendencies. He was also very controlling. I’m easy going and laid back. I grew up with an abusive mother. My boundaries of what constitutes acceptable behavior is (was) much too broad. I think living in a foreign country where he was my only relationship exacerbated our unhealthy dynamics. I had no family, no friends, no support network and a new job with new colleagues. I felt enormous pressure to fix any argument no matter the personal psychological cost. If he was a jerk - I smoothed it over instead of calling him out on his crap. In his defense, I believe he has underlying anxiety that he handles by controlling his environment as much as he can. I also allowed him to treat me unfairly and as less than an equal partner. That said, I believe he has an underlying personality disorder and an almost complete lack of empathy. I spent 12 years trying to get him to like me, to notice me, to give me some crumb of affection. I eventually had a short lived affair with a man 10 years my junior. When I first developed feelings for my affair partner I attempted to avoid it by diverting all of my energy into connecting with my husband. He would literally push me away. It was demoralizing. I had my affair - shocked at how sexual I was, how turned on and excited I could be. I ended the affair after 6 months. That was so hard but absolutely the right thing to do. Emotionally I was a wreck. Barely keeping it together. But if my husband had been willing to work with me to solve the issues in our marriage I would have continued to try. I would have had serious misgivings as to whether it was fixable or if I would survive more emotional neglect. But couples therapy was a disaster. It supported his emotional abuse and I found it traumatic. When we switched to an insightful and evenhanded therapist he immediately stopped therapy. During the period where we were struggling through therapy I discovered I had feelings for a friend. I knew that if I didn’t leave my husband that I’d continue to have affairs, to cheat, to search outside of my marriage for what I was missing within it. You’ve heard the phrase “touch starved”? The hugs from my children kept me going. Divorcing a controller is a nightmare. If you choose that path, prepare well. Have a really good therapist, get the best lawyer you can afford, build your support network. You are going to need it. It’s was a hard path that took more courage than I knew I had, but it was worth it. Life is so good now. I have an adoring partner. He makes me feel so loved. He loves to hold me, to kiss me. He wraps his arms around me, I bury my face into his chest and he sighs and strokes my hair, blissfully happy to have me in his arms. In bed he adores snuggling, cuddling, always insists on sleeping naked. If it’s cold he just wiggles closer. Life can be so much better. We can talk about anything. He loves me exactly as I am without expecting or hoping for me to change. We paint together. We plan for our future. We discuss parenting and problems, psychology and relationships and exes. And we both cherish the amazing connection we have because we both lived through relationships that missed connection. If I could do anything differently- I would have left sooner. I wish I had found the courage to leave the first time he raised a hand to me. But I was too afraid, still had hope that things would change. I had more things to try before I gave up completely. It was only when my emotional survival hung in the balance that I finally realized that my choice was ‘leave now’ or ‘give up.’ I truly believe that I didn’t leave when I did I wouldn’t have had the strength to ever leave. My self esteem and self image was so beaten down. So - that’s my story. It’s not pretty. But it is a story of hope. Choose a better future. Choose love. Life is too short and too precious to waste it with someone who doesn’t cherish you.
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grower
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by grower on Feb 11, 2020 9:17:18 GMT -5
Wow, well your a member of a club nobody wants to belong to. You seem to have a lot of life in front of you to settle for a SM life. I am in the process of moving and divorce and am trying to look forward. You don't want to be 10 years down the road eating the same shit sandwich. I don't think anyone is necessarily a monster, but a life with no intimacy, love or sex is a horror story. In my experience the anxiety of making a change, is greater than the reality of the change. We all deserve love, and not some FN roommate. Sorry I got a little anger simmering. Best of luck to you. Peace
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