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Post by brianbk on Feb 2, 2020 16:11:45 GMT -5
Hi all, I was just wondering if I am the only one out there who’s day is and thoughts are constantly consumed by this and the added stress that goes with it? If so does anyone have any tips on how they deal with it?
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Post by lessingham on Feb 2, 2020 17:41:53 GMT -5
I paint and as I paint I let my imagination run riot. Create cities, run space operas in your head. It creates a calm away from reality. And it's healthier than booze or drugs.
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Post by Handy on Feb 2, 2020 18:01:00 GMT -5
Brian, I gave up on wanting anything from my W. I go through life thinking I was single but still have things I need to do as if I was living with a prudish sister that would be very upset if I had a girlfriend. Giving up on hoping things will improve leads to fewer disappointments. I have developed interests that DO NOT include anything to do with my W. I have gotten to the point I don't want my W along when I go places or do things. It is difficult at first but now I rather do things alone, it is much more satisfying and peaceful.
I know other men my age (retired) that say they are married but living the life as if they were on their own, but with restrictions to not form a relationship with another woman. Yes it seems common that older people wind up alone but still tied to another person. Lack of money and a feeling of obligation are 2 reasons why this happens.
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Post by solodriver on Feb 2, 2020 18:54:43 GMT -5
Brian, I gave up on wanting anything from my W. I go through life thinking I was single but still have things I need to do as if I was living with a prudish sister that would be very upset if I had a girlfriend. Giving up on hoping things will improve leads to fewer disappointments. I have developed interests that DO NOT include anything to do with my W. I have gotten to the point I don't want my W along when I go places or do things. It is difficult at first but now I rather do things alone, it is much more satisfying and peaceful.
This describes my life currently. But unlike others maybe, I'm open to forming a relationship with other women should the opportunity present itself.
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Post by brianbk on Feb 2, 2020 19:51:39 GMT -5
I’ve tried to channel my thoughts and actions towards other things, especially work I’ve thrown myself into working as much overtime as my company will allow and also new hobbies, but just outside influences tv music and just being out in public always remind me of what my life really is
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Post by brianbk on Feb 2, 2020 19:53:17 GMT -5
The opportunity has presented itself to be with someone else but I wanted to exhaust every effort possible to try and save things, but they all backfire on me it seems.
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Post by Handy on Feb 2, 2020 21:15:10 GMT -5
Solodriver I'm open to forming a relationship with other women should the opportunity present itself.
I do seek out male and female friends but if the female friends want more I could go for it. So far female friends only seem to want a generic friend. I don't push things out of concerns that me asking for more might make things awkward.
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Post by solodriver on Feb 2, 2020 22:25:24 GMT -5
Solodriver I'm open to forming a relationship with other women should the opportunity present itself. I do seek out male and female friends but if the female friends want more I could go for it. So far female friends only seem to want a generic friend. I don't push things out of concerns that me asking for more might make things awkward. I agree with you on this. Women who want to have a romantic relationship are not shy about it. I let the relationship develop naturally at whatever rate or limits it imposes. But I won't be pushy about it.
But I'm certainly not going to turn down someone's romantic interest in me.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 3, 2020 0:03:02 GMT -5
I found all sorts of ways to distract myself. I buried myself in my work. I focused on hobbies, the house, church volunteering, the kids, and, yes, I did try to make the wife feel loved. My kids could see the rejection. They saw me getting snubbed, the lack of appreciation for gifts and flowers, fancy meals out, etc.
So, there was my mistake was distracting myself at all. Instead of being patient and giving her infinite time, hoping for changes, I should have reminded her regularly what I wanted, and, if there was no improvement, divorced her. My feeling of obligation was unhealthy.
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Post by baza on Feb 3, 2020 2:40:55 GMT -5
You can fret about being in an ILIASM shithole, you can worry about it, you can obsess about it, you can "why chase" over the horizon and back, if that's what you choose to do.
And not a one of these things will make jack-shit difference.
There are more productive things you could be doing, perhaps in the direction of getting out of your situation
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grower
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by grower on Feb 3, 2020 8:11:25 GMT -5
I am working on my divorce and fantasizing of the life on the other side. I still am very angry to have wasted a lot of my life when the writing was on the wall for years. Want to reach the point to where I can wish her a happy life beyond our SM and not all the sweet things that I think of now.
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 3, 2020 10:17:50 GMT -5
I am working on my divorce and fantasizing of the life on the other side. I still am very angry to have wasted a lot of my life when the writing was on the wall for years. Want to reach the point to where I can wish her a happy life beyond our SM and not all the sweet things that I think of now. Acceptance of what is - and a commitment to the process of implementing this change, will help release you. As will your intent at forgiveness. You will need some way to let go of the anger that pins you there, and it may be that the two of you will continue to be in each other's lives for a long time. So, how do you want that experience to be? The best way forward for me was to use empathy to find what was common to our scenario, and try to imagine what that might be like for her, and how, across a decade or more, that might inform the way I treat my partner: 1. We both were trapped in a marriage, tied to a partner who we did not see as suitable for sexual satisfaction (her, because she didn't see me as a sexual partner for her own reasons, and me because she did not have sex with me and appeared not to want to) 2. As such, we were both choosing to stay in a celibate, unsatisfying marriage. 3. There were many aspects of our household and situation that were enjoyable, but tainted by the disconnection and what it meant. 4. If I felt I was not into my partner that way, despite loving her or feeling affection or loyalty, I imagine that my resentment of the situation would come out over the long term. Once I accepted that my wife really didn't want to have sex with me, regardless of whether I felt she should, and that she really was more interested in expressing that fact than she was in changing anything in our situation to help - I was better able to accept her on the same terms that I might as a single person. Specifically, I did not have a sexual relationship with that woman. It's funny how that framing - the phrasing of it shifted. It's like the difference between "I'm quitting smoking" to "I don't smoke."
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 3, 2020 11:44:13 GMT -5
Apocrypha, did your wife actually recognize and accept the fact that she didn’t view you as a sexual partner? It seems a rare thing in SM for the refusing spouse to acknowledge the issue because that leads to inconvenient consequences.
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 3, 2020 12:10:06 GMT -5
Apocrypha , did your wife actually recognize and accept the fact that she didn’t view you as a sexual partner? It seems a rare thing in SM for the refusing spouse to acknowledge the issue because that leads to inconvenient consequences. No, she did not. But frankly, it didn't matter - the data were in. She'd had an affair. While in therapy. It was an enormously shitty thing for her to do, at a time when all stops were out by me to support her as a parent and in her career, and it was after a period of a few years of unwanted celibacy. A lot was at stake - and she chose to jeopardize her marriage AND her career to do it. So it's not like she was aesexual. She proposed an open relationship, and did pretty well for herself in it. But still managed to break every rule and courtesy she agreed to, to do it. And eventually went celibate again but only with me. She also clarified the role the open relationship played as going outside to discover sexual joy, and then to come back to me to spend it. Her actual words, which I believe she intended to be assuring. And literally the day after we agreed to separate, her dating profile was up, and I happened upon her open phone (conveniently open on my cutting board at dinner time), indicating her positive reply to one of many ads for a "boy toy" - who she dated for 4-5 years, only to discover in the past couple of months that he was married and cheating on his wife and family. I can't speak to the quality or character or success of whatever relationships she embarks on, and I don't much care to look. But it's crystal clear to me and I don't require her verbal agreement - that there is consistency in her own desire for sexual connection with people, and of her specific avoidance of that with me.
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Post by brianbk on Feb 4, 2020 5:24:39 GMT -5
That is the one thing I have had a hard time with is acceptance and forgiveness. I hold onto so much resentment for it. I’ve pretty much exhausted all of my options counseling, talking to her, trying to figure out what is wrong. But every time I even bring it up she gets pissed off and turns everything back on me. So I just go back into my hole and try to get my mind off of it.
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