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Post by baza on Jan 10, 2020 19:39:22 GMT -5
Oftentimes - having started on a self esteem recovery program - the difficulty is in continuing it onward .... to remain consistent and predictable in your responses and build a new history of what you'll cop, and what you won't.
But once you do that (build a history of assertiveness) the trajectory of your relationship will change, that's guaranteed.
However, what you don't know is what that change will be, although you can be pretty sure that at least short term things will probably get rather lively.
But if your responses / choices are fully informed and made on the basis of what is in your longer term best interests, then you can't go too far wrong.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 10, 2020 21:05:20 GMT -5
I would give anything to have self esteem or confidence or what you will. I have tried theraoy, self help, books and tapes. I hate my inner coward My self esteem has never been something I put much thought into. Looking back I simply assumed certain things, often based on having no foundation what so ever to make such an assumption. At the start of my senior yr. in high school I just assumed I would be going to college, thought I didn't have a dime to my name. When I got to college I assumed I would eventually graduate although in orientation we were all told most of the people in the room would not. When I finally had the where with all to attempt to date and court women I just assumed they would want to go out with me. (This one assumption often proved to be inaccurate and unreliable, but I assumed it was just a temporary situation and I would eventually be helping a young woman out of her clothes.). I assumed I would progress upward in my job from an hourly to a management position. I assumed I would marry and beget children. I assumed I would be successful in life. I made all these assumptions and gave not one thought to self esteem. It was more of a determination "not to be denied" what life had to offer. My take on you is that perhaps your lack of self esteem is because for a goodly portion of your life you have assumed the wrong things. Start assuming that positive and good things are going to happen for you. After doing your homework and making your preparations assume that you are going to be successful. If you ditch your unhappy marriage assume you will find someone else with whom you will be happy and if you don't then assume you will be happy as a single man. There is a old book called " The Power of Positive Thinking". Perhaps it is in your public library. You might give it a read and assume that what you glean from it will help you toward assuming the role of a man living a successful, productive and happy life. I'm sure others on this forum could recommend a book(s) that were helpful to them.
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 10, 2020 23:21:41 GMT -5
Oftentimes - having started on a self esteem recovery program - the difficulty is in continuing it onward .... to remain consistent and predictable in your responses and build a new history of what you'll cop, and what you won't. But once you do that (build a history of assertiveness) the trajectory of your relationship will change, that's guaranteed. However, what you don't know is what that change will be, although you can be pretty sure that at least short term things will probably get rather lively. But if your responses / choices are fully informed and made on the basis of what is in your longer term best interests, then you can't go too far wrong. My abusive ex hated that I started to work on my self esteem and boundaries. It meant he was losing his control over me. whilst I’m a huge advocate of self improvement, my word of caution is to be very careful if your partner has ever been physically or verbally abusive in the past. Every time I tried to put a boundary down, it gave him licence to increase his tactics and manipulation. I made the mistake of trying to stick to some boundaries which ultimately led to him assaulting me. So, if you have any history of abuse, please seek professional help to just get out safely. Then you can practice your new assertiveness skills with healthy people. sadly, abusive people are likely to escalate if they think they are losing their power. The only way to safely stand up to them is to leave them. keep working on yourselves but stay safe.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Jan 14, 2020 8:16:31 GMT -5
Very true. Those with power in a relationship have no motivation to see anything change. When you start taking some power back for yourself, they won't like it.
In an abusive situation I agree it is better to just get out and protect yourself. You can't negotiate with rage and you have to be in a safe place to make any real change for yourself.
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Post by richards on Jan 26, 2020 18:29:26 GMT -5
I’m still very much in my SM and I’ve done a fair amount of work to regain my self esteem. Things that have helped me: --Doing things I like to do—just for me. [...] —Exercise—walking and going to the gym. [...] —Being social and connecting with friends. [...] —Quitting alcohol. [...] None of these things are the magic key, and I think that it’s different for everyone. Recovering my self esteem has also been an ongoing process. It doesn’t happen overnight. Maybe the one common thread here is reclaiming control, being intentional, actively working on trying to feel better. I have been away from this site for a while (1+ years) while doing all of the above and can confirm that recovering your sense of self is a giant step forward. I too have lived through the rejection, bitterness and anger of a SM and it is a joy to remember that you can be (and actually are) a very nice, attractive and likable person. Disengaging from a longtime toxic relationship is a searing experience, but it is worth every bit of effort that you put into it. Where your own path ends is up to you, but you can make your life better—in large part just by being you again.
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