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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2020 15:25:35 GMT -5
I've been thinking lately about 2019 and it finally being the year of no sex (not none but once in October and once in April). In the past we've been more on the standard definition of sexless marriage, somewhere between 6-10 times per year.
Has anyone kept some sort of emotional intimacy if the physical is gone? I find that our whole marriage has just gone fully platonic. She dresses in a locked room and gets upset if she forgets to lock the door and I come into the bedroom and accidentally see a boob. No more morning "pecks". I find that I'm interacting with her in "shields up mode" as it were, not like you might expect with a loving-trusting partner.
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Post by baza on Jan 2, 2020 18:21:39 GMT -5
Back on 21 August 2018 you wrote this Brother @tooyoungtobeold2 .....
"This has been on my mind a lot lately. My wife and I don't sleep in the same bedroom anymore, she was a reluctant sexual partner at best and then it all ended almost completely 18-months ago, we do things together but mostly it's just daily management. What chores are we doing tonight, tomorrow? We need a smaller house. What things need to be done to sell next Spring? What does this kid or that kid need? The balance of good/bad isn't yet bad enough to say, "end the marriage" but is it a marriage at all? How do you all manage that internal dialogue?"
It doesn't look like much has changed since August 2018 That calculation of "is it good enough to stay or bad enough to leave" is coming up with the same answer as 18 months ago.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 2, 2020 18:46:48 GMT -5
To answer your question @tooyoungtobeold, the answer is probably no. As well as being a means for procreation and an enormously pleasurable activity, sex is a wonderful way to communicate. When I am making love to my partner, I am telling her that she is an attractive woman, that I want to please her, and that I am glad she is in my life. Most of us on this forum would probably agree that all communication suffered as well as the sex.
In my case, my wife and I kept up the daily routine of kisses goodbye, hugs, and lunchtime phone calls. But our marriage evolved from husband-wife to caretaker-patient. She needed reassurance constantly to calm her fears. I found myself building up a lot of resentment towards her. It was not just for the lack of sex; it was the general oblivion to my feelings. In turn, my resentment cut off my attachment to her.
Fortunately, my wife never went to as much effort to hide her body as your wife does. We could still dress in front of each other, although we closed the door when we used the bathroom. Just a thought, but I am wondering if she is shy about showing her body to anyone and not just you. My wife had mental health issues and paranoia, but she wasn’t that shy about her body.
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Post by baza on Jan 2, 2020 19:23:08 GMT -5
Let's say that you are co-habitating with someone. And, you have no sexual desire for them, and very little if any emotional connection to them.
Would you want them to watch you dress/undress Would you want them to barge into the bathroom whilst you are having a shower ? Or to hover around the dunny door whilst you take a dump ?
Within that context, your Missus' actions seem perfectly logical Brother @tooyoungtobeold2 .
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2020 14:15:18 GMT -5
I'm not asking for, nor looking for, a change. The body thing was a bad example. I'm more interested in "stayers" opinion on whether they kept some basic level of intimacy, sans sex, in other ways. All of my reasons to stay remain intact but I see further "drift apart" in the relationship that seems only remotely related to sex.
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Post by baza on Jan 6, 2020 20:49:46 GMT -5
I'm not asking for, nor looking for, a change. The body thing was a bad example. I'm more interested in "stayers" opinion on whether they kept some basic level of intimacy, sans sex, in other ways. All of my reasons to stay remain intact but I see further "drift apart" in the relationship that seems only remotely related to sex. Well, I'm going back into history here, but in the last few years of my ILIASM deal, I think the two matters fed off each other. As the sex dropped off, that negatively effected the basic level of intimacy. And as the basic intimacy declined, that negatively impacted on the sex. And the downward spiral of these two things then started to infiltrate other aspects of the relationship in unhelpful ways too. It put me in mind of a rope. A thread or two started to unravel, and then break - but the rope was still pretty strong. Then a few more threads unravelled and that strand broke. Then a few more, barely noticeable and another strand of threads weakened and broke. But it was a bit of an imperceptible, but accelerating, process. By the time I noticed, the rope was in bad shape. Terminally bad shape. Bear in mind that the above is viewed through the rear view mirror (I got out in 2009) I couldn't see it clearly at the time.
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Post by h on Jan 7, 2020 11:13:28 GMT -5
I'm not asking for, nor looking for, a change. The body thing was a bad example. I'm more interested in "stayers" opinion on whether they kept some basic level of intimacy, sans sex, in other ways. All of my reasons to stay remain intact but I see further "drift apart" in the relationship that seems only remotely related to sex. Considering that I'm in the staying camp for at least my immediate foreseeable future, I get it. I don't change in front of my W either and don't bother looking if she happens to be unclothed around me between shower and dressing. Our emotional connection is basically dead. She knows something is off, but she doesn't quite get what it is. We don't talk about anything other than schedules and logistics: what's for dinner, who has to work late which nights, upcoming events, etc. We coexist but that's all.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jan 11, 2020 9:11:25 GMT -5
I've been thinking lately about 2019 and it finally being the year of no sex (not none but once in October and once in April). In the past we've been more on the standard definition of sexless marriage, somewhere between 6-10 times per year. Has anyone kept some sort of emotional intimacy if the physical is gone? I find that our whole marriage has just gone fully platonic. She dresses in a locked room and gets upset if she forgets to lock the door and I come into the bedroom and accidentally see a boob. No more morning "pecks". I find that I'm interacting with her in "shields up mode" as it were, not like you might expect with a loving-trusting partner. I will say the intimacy eventually went with it. We became nothing but roommates. I did start out sourcing after awhile and that just made it even more so. While I did feel weird seeing each other naked and avoided it as much as possible. I didn't start dressing behind lock doors until I was officially done and on my way out. I was in love with my long time ap and almost felt like I was cheating on him. Not to mention I didn't undress in front of my other friends and at that point we were barely friends. If I accidently walked in on him I shut the door. I even apologized that's how awkward it got.
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Post by jim44444 on Jan 12, 2020 21:36:46 GMT -5
It seems everyone has a unique situation. Our sex life has gone out the door but out intamacy still remains. No we do not kiss like we used to but we still do kiss. We see each other naked every day that we are together. We still do things together and still do things seperate. We take care of each other and care for each other.
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Post by Handy on Jan 12, 2020 21:50:20 GMT -5
In my situation, my W finds faults in me that I never imagined would be faults. Today's examples is what I cooked (very common) I cut the meat portions too thick (about 3/8 to 1/2" pieces) she wanted 1/4" pieces. The dog took one of her yogurt cups she finished eating and took it under "HER" bed to lick it clean. Well my W said it was my yogurt cup (a brand she has to have) and I threw it under her bed because I was too lazy to walk another 10 ft to the trash. Number 1, I eat the low priced yogurt and not her higher priced yogurt, which was under her bed where her dogs sleep. And then there was the laundry I was doing but not doing her way. OH and add in the TV remote with new batteries that she wanted me to fix. Sorry, she presses the wrong buttons and I can't fix that. So I just went to MY bedroom to avoid her and kept quiet about suggesting to her that SHE has problems.
She watches TV all day but if I watch a Youtube video about the history of discoveries about electricity (1660 to present day) I am wasting my time according to her.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jan 12, 2020 22:04:00 GMT -5
You are a better person than I am...I would of fed her portion to the dog and told her to fix her own dinner. I would have done just my laundry. And answered her comment about you wasting time with " I don't remember asking you". Yes , I am a bitch you would think he would be glad to be rid of me but no lol
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Post by Handy on Jan 12, 2020 22:13:57 GMT -5
I almost suggested she move to a retirement complex where they serve 3 meals a day and they change your sheets and do the vacuuming too on sheet changing day, which is weekly.
But like is often advised, make no suggestions you are not capable of backing up.
My best bet would be to see a lawyer first.
About feeding her portion to the dogs, She is anti people food going to the dogs so once I ate her portion and said it tasted fine. I hadn't dish out my portion at the time.
With the TV remote I said the batteries were at 98% and she needed to call the satellite TV provider to work out her issues. The TV remote worked fine for me but I only use it once or twice a week. I have my computer to watch or research what interests me.
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Post by csl on Jan 12, 2020 22:17:25 GMT -5
You are a better person than I am...I would of fed her portion to the dog and told her to fix her own dinner. I would have done just my laundry. And answered her comment about you wasting time with " I don't remember asking you". Yes , I am a bitch you would think he would be glad to be rid of me but no lol Thank you for putting my thoughts onto... well, not paper. But thank you for daring to go there. (I will confess that my own thoughts were along the line of "Oh, put a sock in it!")
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Post by solodriver on Jan 12, 2020 22:38:41 GMT -5
Man handy, you and I are living in a duel universe. That's exactly what's going on in my marriage. I think we must be brother-in-laws because you must be married to my wife's identical twin sister, lol.
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