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Post by lostintime on Dec 16, 2019 20:49:29 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for the information provided. My biggest concern is that some of my wife's friends might see me on one of those sites. When I go out with my friends I see the person that I am approaching but on one of these sites I have to post my picture for everyone to see. My wife has a lot of friends and I do not want it to get to her at this point in our relationship. We are going away for the holidays will have to think about this more when we return. Yes, they will. Or co-workers. Or, especially your close-by neighbors, because many filter matches by proximity. I doubt Ashley Madison requires your photo, but then you need to deal with the bots and fake accounts as well. If you were a woman, you could likely get away with being somewhat evasive on the face pic - though many sites require it. Without a face pic that looks really good, your odds as a man are really low for scoring on casual sex. Casual sex from men is cheap and plentiful. Casual sex from women is rare and highly desired. You are competing not only against married men like you, but also unmarried men who aren't looking for a fulsome relationship. Women who are up for an affair or casual non-committal sex are inundated with offers. Men, at least at first pass, are viewed as cheaters and less desirable. Overall, it ends up as a high risk and low reward for you, unless you have something truly marvelous that makes you stand out. But overall, I'm not certain what problem you are trying to solve. I've rarely seen an affair resolve a long term disagreement. I agree with you an affair will not solve a long term disagreement, but I hope it will make me feel better. I also noticed that once I started going out she waits up for me until very late, maybe she gets jealous or maybe she worries.
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 17, 2019 13:48:42 GMT -5
But overall, I'm not certain what problem you are trying to solve. I've rarely seen an affair resolve a long term disagreement. I agree with you an affair will not solve a long term disagreement, but I hope it will make me feel better. I also noticed that once I started going out she waits up for me until very late, maybe she gets jealous or maybe she worries. Do think her feeling that way about her relationship to you across the long term will help solve your problem or make you feel better?
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Post by baza on Dec 17, 2019 18:15:41 GMT -5
In Mark Mansons book "Everything Is F*cked" he writes about the life goal of "feeling better".
He draws a comparison between two different examples about such a life goal.
Under #1, you take up smoking ice. Under #2, you take up working out at the gym.
If one goes the smoking ice option, there's no doubt that you will feel better. In fact you might feel quite euphoric and powerful - short term. Longer term however, it is likely that this option will not prove to be helpful for you, or the people around you - longer term.
Under the working out choice, there may not be much to be had in the way of instant gratification. The upsides to improved physical shape and feeling better being more incremental over the longer term.
The point being that something that feels good in the moment may not be in your longer term best interests. And, something that is difficult and uncomfortable in the moment, may in fact be very much in your longer term best interests.
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Post by lostintime on Dec 17, 2019 19:00:46 GMT -5
I agree with you an affair will not solve a long term disagreement, but I hope it will make me feel better. I also noticed that once I started going out she waits up for me until very late, maybe she gets jealous or maybe she worries. Do think her feeling that way about her relationship to you across the long term will help solve your problem or make you feel better? I worked very hard for the last 25 years of my life. I helped her out and supported her in every way including her education and encouraging her that she can achieve her goals. I care about how she feels but I am at the point in my life where I am starting to care about me. Today we spent most of the day together, I gave her compliments, helped her out with a couple of things, tried touching and kissing, but she said that its not a good time and that she did not have a lot of time. I know that was not true. She used to run after me when we were younger, would gladly and happily do everything with me from work, sex or just spending time together. Now its all gone. You do have some good questions but there are no good answers. I want to be happy and satisfied but I do not think I can change her. I am trying to just focus on me for now since I cannot do much with her. Let me know if you have any good suggestions. I think we grew apart and there is not much I can do.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 17, 2019 20:18:05 GMT -5
lostintime, I’m at a bit of a loss with your story. You joined here a couple years ago, but things today sound much the same as they were. Has anything changed? You’re having sex ~3 times a week with your wife, and you have a history of her being very engaging and enjoying it. You may be struggling, but it’s a lot more to work with than most folks in a sexless marriage - you’ve got something you can improve upon. You say she doesn’t initiate, but she’s willing when you do - does she enjoy sex when you initiate? If not, then a) that’s likely why she’s stopped initiating and isn’t enthusiastic, and b) kudos to her for continuing to be willing. That’s “taking one for the team” in the truest sense, because she knows it’s important to you and the marriage. Have you explored with her how to make it a more enjoyable / intimate / positive experience for her, so she’s more motivated to participate for her own pleasure and not just to “check the box” for you?
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Post by lostintime on Dec 17, 2019 22:29:51 GMT -5
lostintime , I’m at a bit of a loss with your story. You joined here a couple years ago, but things today sound much the same as they were. Has anything changed? You’re having sex ~3 times a week with your wife, and you have a history of her being very engaging and enjoying it. You may be struggling, but it’s a lot more to work with than most folks in a sexless marriage - you’ve got something you can improve upon. You say she doesn’t initiate, but she’s willing when you do - does she enjoy sex when you initiate? If not, then a) that’s likely why she’s stopped initiating and isn’t enthusiastic, and b) kudos to her for continuing to be willing. That’s “taking one for the team” in the truest sense, because she knows it’s important to you and the marriage. Have you explored with her how to make it a more enjoyable / intimate / positive experience for her, so she’s more motivated to participate for her own pleasure and not just to “check the box” for you? Nothing changed, the usual ups and downs. She enjoys sex, probably more than me and usually Os in the first 2 minutes. I am not sure what is going on, but with every large event she became more distant. Below is the link that explains most of it. Its not just sex. iliasm.org/thread/5452/age-kids-work
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 18, 2019 1:47:57 GMT -5
lostintime, it sounds like perhaps she likes sex, but doesn’t particularly like you. That’s an interesting mix, then add that she doesn’t want to divorce. Because, family? Lifestyle? You’ve mentioned here enough times that you compromised when marrying her, that she’s not particularly first pick. Surely she has picked up on this sentiment, if you haven’t told her outright (which, somehow, I suspect you have). And now you’ve proposed divorce. It’s no wonder she isn’t fulfilling your fantasies; it’s surprising she’s willing to have sex. I dare say the dynamic sounds toxic, and before it even gets to the bedroom it sounds like there isn’t a lot of caring; more like indifference. Being her benefactor / provider early on is admirable, and it might warrant some loyalty in return, but that’s very different than desire and intimacy, which are much more about emotions than actions. Does this sound off-track? If you were to think back to some very thoughtful, warm, emotional experiences that you’ve shared, does much come to mind? Something to explore might be whether her current habits of TV, Facebook, etc. are things that have pulled her away from you, or if she’s using them as an escape or to fill a void.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Dec 18, 2019 8:38:44 GMT -5
Very good point DryCreek. I am usually a person that wants a lot of attention and quality time. But when the marriage went down hill I had my face in my phone or computer in the evenings. I waited for him to go to bed first. And on weekends I filled by days with housework and laundry. I even watched the Packer Games in the bedroom even though he told me I could turn it on in the livingroom. Once I passed the point of wanting to fix it I avoided him at all cost so yeah I'm surprised she's willing to have sex. Unless she just wants her needs met and hasnt worked up the nerves to out source... This doesn't sound so much like a sexless marriage it is just a marriage that fell apart and holding it together for the kids for now I guess.
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 18, 2019 11:23:42 GMT -5
As in the other thread, I'm with the two posters above:
It clear to me and to you - you felt you settled when you married her - that you deserve better than her. Regret permeates your post - blaming her for your choice. It's likely that she picks up on this. It seems that the two of you have quite a lot of sex, which surprises me a great deal.
May I ask, is there a cultural element to expectations and traditions of a cultural union that might differ from most Western notions of romantic marriage? I have a friend who is in an arranged marriage, who uses similar words in describing his own challenges.
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Post by lostintime on Dec 18, 2019 11:50:54 GMT -5
lostintime , it sounds like perhaps she likes sex, but doesn’t particularly like you. That’s an interesting mix, then add that she doesn’t want to divorce. Because, family? Lifestyle? You’ve mentioned here enough times that you compromised when marrying her, that she’s not particularly first pick. Surely she has picked up on this sentiment, if you haven’t told her outright (which, somehow, I suspect you have). And now you’ve proposed divorce. It’s no wonder she isn’t fulfilling your fantasies; it’s surprising she’s willing to have sex. I dare say the dynamic sounds toxic, and before it even gets to the bedroom it sounds like there isn’t a lot of caring; more like indifference. Being her benefactor / provider early on is admirable, and it might warrant some loyalty in return, but that’s very different than desire and intimacy, which are much more about emotions than actions. Does this sound off-track? If you were to think back to some very thoughtful, warm, emotional experiences that you’ve shared, does much come to mind? Something to explore might be whether her current habits of TV, Facebook, etc. are things that have pulled her away from you, or if she’s using them as an escape or to fill a void. I do not know. I asked her if she does not want to have sex with me maybe she wants to have sex with someone else and she said no. She said that most couples have sex once a week or less. Also asked her if something is bothering her and maybe she wants to talk to a specialist, with me or without me and she said no. She said everything is normal and that she is just not as emotional as me and sex is not a priority for her. I also offered divorce or to see other people, she said no to both of them.
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 18, 2019 11:59:30 GMT -5
I asked her if she does not want to have sex with me maybe she wants to have sex with someone else and she said no. She said that most couples have sex once a week or less. Also asked her if something is bothering her and maybe she wants to talk to a specialist, with me or without me and she said no. She said everything is normal and that she is just not as emotional as me and sex is not a priority for her. I also offered divorce or to see other people, she said no to both of them. Lostintime, I think a reason we are all struggling here is that there seems to be a problem in articulating a clear problem, even though you seem more than willing to apply resources and means to fix it. Have you considered talking to a specialist yourself, to help you focus in on the anxious feeling you are experiencing?
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Post by lostintime on Dec 18, 2019 12:02:54 GMT -5
Very good point DryCreek. I am usually a person that wants a lot of attention and quality time. But when the marriage went down hill I had my face in my phone or computer in the evenings. I waited for him to go to bed first. And on weekends I filled by days with housework and laundry. I even watched the Packer Games in the bedroom even though he told me I could turn it on in the livingroom. Once I passed the point of wanting to fix it I avoided him at all cost so yeah I'm surprised she's willing to have sex. Unless she just wants her needs met and hasnt worked up the nerves to out source... This doesn't sound so much like a sexless marriage it is just a marriage that fell apart and holding it together for the kids for now I guess. She does not want attention from me and most of the time falls asleep early she does like to go out for dinner together once a week. She said sex is not important for her and going without sex will not bother her. I also asked her if we can be in open relationship but she does not want that. I also thought maybe its just because of the kids but she is already making plans for our retirement and for some reason it involves both of us even though we like to do different things. I asked her to see the specialist, maybe she can open up to them and figure out what she wants, but she says nothing is wrong and she does not want to see a specialist.
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Post by lostintime on Dec 18, 2019 12:12:58 GMT -5
As in the other thread, I'm with the two posters above: It clear to me and to you - you felt you settled when you married her - that you deserve better than her. Regret permeates your post - blaming her for your choice. It's likely that she picks up on this. It seems that the two of you have quite a lot of sex, which surprises me a great deal. May I ask, is there a cultural element to expectations and traditions of a cultural union that might differ from most Western notions of romantic marriage? I have a friend who is in an arranged marriage, who uses similar words in describing his own challenges. She knows I settled for her, yes there is regret but at the same time I do not know how it would of turned out with someone else. It can always be better or worse. I like sex and 2-3 times a week is a minimum for me and if we did not have that I would not come home at all. I am from Europe but lived here most of my life, she is american as can be. She definitely loved me when we got married and still says that she loves me now, but I am not sure about that. This was not an arranged marriage or a cultural thing.
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Post by lostintime on Dec 18, 2019 12:19:37 GMT -5
I asked her if she does not want to have sex with me maybe she wants to have sex with someone else and she said no. She said that most couples have sex once a week or less. Also asked her if something is bothering her and maybe she wants to talk to a specialist, with me or without me and she said no. She said everything is normal and that she is just not as emotional as me and sex is not a priority for her. I also offered divorce or to see other people, she said no to both of them. Lostintime, I think a reason we are all struggling here is that there seems to be a problem in articulating a clear problem, even though you seem more than willing to apply resources and means to fix it. Have you considered talking to a specialist yourself, to help you focus in on the anxious feeling you are experiencing? I am not sure what I would tell the specialist or how they would be able to help me. I can tell them that I use to get a lot of attention and sex from my wife before kids, but now I get a lot less and it bothers me. Maybe some medication can help me. Maybe my wife is correct and I am just too emotional or maybe its my midlife crisis. Time will tell
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 204
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Post by catsloveme on Dec 19, 2019 14:32:55 GMT -5
Lostintime, I think a reason we are all struggling here is that there seems to be a problem in articulating a clear problem, even though you seem more than willing to apply resources and means to fix it. Have you considered talking to a specialist yourself, to help you focus in on the anxious feeling you are experiencing? I am not sure what I would tell the specialist or how they would be able to help me. I can tell them that I use to get a lot of attention and sex from my wife before kids, but now I get a lot less and it bothers me. Maybe some medication can help me. Maybe my wife is correct and I am just too emotional or maybe its my midlife crisis. Time will tell That’s the whole point of talking to a counselor. They can help you sort through your thoughts and identify what the real issue is and figure out constructive ways to cope with, remedy, or walk away from the problem. In your posts, I sense some ambivalence about your situation. There’s a book called “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” that may be useful to you. The book walks through a series of questions or prompts/discussion about aspects of your relationship. The idea is to examine each aspect and the dynamics of your relationship and then figure out how to climb down off the fence—and which side you should climb down on. A Google or Amazon search should easily locate the book. (This book was recommended to me by a therapist years ago when my first marriage was unraveling and I was unsure of how to proceed.)
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