This is why it took me so long
Nov 29, 2019 11:25:51 GMT -5
DryCreek, jim44444, and 13 more like this
Post by isthisit on Nov 29, 2019 11:25:51 GMT -5
Recently I have been reflecting with a friend about the rough year 2019 has been for me and my family. These discussions provided some hindsight about my thoughts, behaviours and choices while I was wrestling with the realisation that I wanted to exit my M but just could not act. I realised that my reasons related to my beliefs about three fears and some misplaced pride in my judgement.
Fear of the effects on my children: I worried that their childhoods (17 and 14 when I acted) would be changed forever and shaped in ways I could not know. To my surprise after the event it turns out that they knew so much more than I had realised. They saw my sadness, my despair and that I did not smile. They did not see their mum at her best; blooming, happy and embracing life. I am more proud that I could ever say that they are in full agreement that my happiness is valuable and pursuing it is justified. I hope that they now have an opportunity to see what normal relationships look like, and that this can inform the aspirations of their own lives.
Fear of the effect on H: I was hugely fearful that H would be plunged into despair and desperation should I ‘drop the bomb’ and disclose how miserable I was and my wish to escape. I had and still have a fierce love for this man, and have accepted that I probably always will. I care deeply about his well being and happiness. But now, not more than my own. As I expected he did initially fall apart at my news, and was unable to function for several months. I had and occasionally still have concerns about his risks of self harm. Nearly a year out he remains depressed and at times angry with me. However, occasionally there are signs that he is brighter too and he is coping. He accepts his failings and responsibility in the destruction of what we once had. We are building a new relationship for the future. It is not easy and we have difficult days but we still trust and respect each other as co-parents and have each other’s best interests at the forefront of our decision making.
Fear of being alone: Did I really want to swap a life with a man who loved me very much (despite being cluelessly negligent and emotionally remote) for a life of uncertainty either alone or with the risks of a new partner should I be able to find one? Would I be okay alone? What would the financial repercussions be and would they be worth it?
These fears kept me paralysed for so long. I remain exhausted just by the effort of getting out and supporting my children and H, and do not want to consider a new relationship until I am a stable and together woman, that is my ‘best self’. Recently I went on a few dates with a man who crossed my path, and despite this not working out it made me realise that I was actually more ready than I had realised in the right circumstances.
Finally, I can now recognise that part of my reticence to act was a misplaced sense of pride. I am generally considered a smart and composed woman with good judgement. To leave my marriage would publicly acknowledge that I royally screwed up in possibly the most important decision of my life. Today I am sanguine about this aspect. So what I screwed up? I simply join the human race of imperfect people. I now take a pride in my decision to acknowledge my misjudgement as a brave choice in leaving a stable and comfortable existence to improve my happiness.
Today nearly a year out, I recognise that it took me far too long to leave, and the reasons I told myself that were behind my choices as described above were not the case at all.
Simply, I did not act because I did not value myself and my happiness enough.
The concerns as described were simply constructions of mine to justify my paralysis. None have proven insurmountable. People cope and adjust. No-one has died, we still love and care for each other. It’s not easy but it is doable. I am free. I smile. I recognise myself again.
Fear of the effects on my children: I worried that their childhoods (17 and 14 when I acted) would be changed forever and shaped in ways I could not know. To my surprise after the event it turns out that they knew so much more than I had realised. They saw my sadness, my despair and that I did not smile. They did not see their mum at her best; blooming, happy and embracing life. I am more proud that I could ever say that they are in full agreement that my happiness is valuable and pursuing it is justified. I hope that they now have an opportunity to see what normal relationships look like, and that this can inform the aspirations of their own lives.
Fear of the effect on H: I was hugely fearful that H would be plunged into despair and desperation should I ‘drop the bomb’ and disclose how miserable I was and my wish to escape. I had and still have a fierce love for this man, and have accepted that I probably always will. I care deeply about his well being and happiness. But now, not more than my own. As I expected he did initially fall apart at my news, and was unable to function for several months. I had and occasionally still have concerns about his risks of self harm. Nearly a year out he remains depressed and at times angry with me. However, occasionally there are signs that he is brighter too and he is coping. He accepts his failings and responsibility in the destruction of what we once had. We are building a new relationship for the future. It is not easy and we have difficult days but we still trust and respect each other as co-parents and have each other’s best interests at the forefront of our decision making.
Fear of being alone: Did I really want to swap a life with a man who loved me very much (despite being cluelessly negligent and emotionally remote) for a life of uncertainty either alone or with the risks of a new partner should I be able to find one? Would I be okay alone? What would the financial repercussions be and would they be worth it?
These fears kept me paralysed for so long. I remain exhausted just by the effort of getting out and supporting my children and H, and do not want to consider a new relationship until I am a stable and together woman, that is my ‘best self’. Recently I went on a few dates with a man who crossed my path, and despite this not working out it made me realise that I was actually more ready than I had realised in the right circumstances.
Finally, I can now recognise that part of my reticence to act was a misplaced sense of pride. I am generally considered a smart and composed woman with good judgement. To leave my marriage would publicly acknowledge that I royally screwed up in possibly the most important decision of my life. Today I am sanguine about this aspect. So what I screwed up? I simply join the human race of imperfect people. I now take a pride in my decision to acknowledge my misjudgement as a brave choice in leaving a stable and comfortable existence to improve my happiness.
Today nearly a year out, I recognise that it took me far too long to leave, and the reasons I told myself that were behind my choices as described above were not the case at all.
Simply, I did not act because I did not value myself and my happiness enough.
The concerns as described were simply constructions of mine to justify my paralysis. None have proven insurmountable. People cope and adjust. No-one has died, we still love and care for each other. It’s not easy but it is doable. I am free. I smile. I recognise myself again.