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Post by lostintime on Nov 21, 2019 15:23:47 GMT -5
I told my story in a previous thread iliasm.org/thread/4099/adviseWife now works and makes about 100K a year. We do fight more lately I am not sure if she is stressed more or if there is another reason. I now make over 200K a year and also help with kids and do a lot of things around the house. At the worst we did not have sex for a month as she was complaining that I was not helping, so I now help her with all reasonable demands. We still fight every couple of days and have sex about 3 times a week. At some point it was very bad and I asked for divorce, she said that she did not want the divorce and asked that we work on the issues together. I gave in but it looks like I am the only one who is working on her issues and my issues are not being addressed. I think my biggest issue is that in the beginning of our relationship she was very attracted to me and I was never really attracted to her but really liked her as a person. Girls that I was attracted to were not as nice toward me, so I decided to stay with her. It all started going down hill after the first child was born about 10 years ago it got a little worse after the second child was born, and now its getting really bad after she started making money. She still tells me that she loves me and that she wants to work things out but it feels that she is no longer attracted to me and that bothers me a lot. I am not sure if I made the right choice 20 years ago, it feels like I am giving up more and more every year and she is taking it all in. Love my kids and hate my wife. Not sure if I can stay married to her for much longer but at the same time most people are in the worst situation than I am including sex, relationship, kids and money. Back to the subject. I am in my mid 40th, married for 20 years and struggling for 10+ years. With two kids 3 years apart. Should I be happy with what I have or should I give in and start a new life?
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sunnysean
Junior Member
Posts: 59
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by sunnysean on Nov 21, 2019 16:14:21 GMT -5
For me there is one thing I see that is really telling "Love my kids and hate my wife." Hate is a very strong word. If you mean that, that's pretty hard to fix or change."Hate the things she does," "Hate the condition we are in", "Hate the way she chews her food." All seem to be things you could work out. But "Hate my wife"? Not sure if you can fix that.
I can't advocate or give advice about starting, a new life without your wife. I have no experience in that area.
I am in my early 40's and have been married for 21+ years. My wife and I have started new lives together a few times. What I mean by that is changes so big that one of us had to make bigger sacrifices for the other. It has made us stronger in many regards.
My issue has been 95% related to are libido miss match and intimacy.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2019 16:28:21 GMT -5
Looks like no change in the almost two years since you first posted. Is the fighting related to sex or generally fighting about other things?
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Post by baza on Nov 21, 2019 16:40:28 GMT -5
Just been reading your back posts Brother lostintime . Essentially nothing seems to have changed (apart from an improvement in the financial situation) since you joined in January 2018. Presumably you have seen a lawyer to establish how a divorce would shake out for you, worked out a theoretical exit strategy, shored up your support network, and have some idea of how you'd shepherd your kids through such an event. In other words you have presumably done your homework and are now in possession of all the facts and can therefore make a fully informed choice about your next move. As far as - "Should I be happy with what I have or should I give in and start a new life?" goes, that is entirely your call and your responsibility. Like anyone else in here, you need to get yourself fully informed. Then you need to make your choice. Then you need to own that choice. Then you need to live that choice.
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Post by lostintime on Nov 21, 2019 19:30:12 GMT -5
For me there is one thing I see that is really telling "Love my kids and hate my wife." Hate is a very strong word. If you mean that, that's pretty hard to fix or change."Hate the things she does," "Hate the condition we are in", "Hate the way she chews her food." All seem to be things you could work out. But "Hate my wife"? Not sure if you can fix that. I can't advocate or give advice about starting, a new life without your wife. I have no experience in that area. I am in my early 40's and have been married for 21+ years. My wife and I have started new lives together a few times. What I mean by that is changes so big that one of us had to make bigger sacrifices for the other. It has made us stronger in many regards. My issue has been 95% related to are libido miss match and intimacy. I hate that what was promised to me is not there any more. Its like you buy a Toyota because it looks OK and is good and reliable, but after 3 years its start braking like a Mercedes. The only difference with a wife its not as easy to trade her in and get a new one. I kinda wish that I would of settled for a Mercedes and it would been as reliable as a Toyota. It does happened but not very often.
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Post by lostintime on Nov 21, 2019 19:38:17 GMT -5
Just been reading your back posts Brother lostintime . Essentially nothing seems to have changed (apart from an improvement in the financial situation) since you joined in January 2018. Presumably you have seen a lawyer to establish how a divorce would shake out for you, worked out a theoretical exit strategy, shored up your support network, and have some idea of how you'd shepherd your kids through such an event. In other words you have presumably done your homework and are now in possession of all the facts and can therefore make a fully informed choice about your next move. As far as - "Should I be happy with what I have or should I give in and start a new life?" goes, that is entirely your call and your responsibility. Like anyone else in here, you need to get yourself fully informed. Then you need to make your choice. Then you need to own that choice. Then you need to live that choice. She did not want a divorce, but she agreed that I will pay 25% of my income for the kids and that we will split everything. She loves the kids and she would want me to see them as often as possible. We will have to sell the house and buy two apartments. We will not be able to afford two houses in the neighborhood we are in as the price of a house is over $1M. I will only be able to see the kids maybe 2 times a week at most.
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Post by jim44444 on Nov 21, 2019 19:41:44 GMT -5
I hate that what was promised to me is not there any more. If your wife was to post here could she also make that statement? So what was promised to you? Can you describe it here to us? Or to your wife? If she knows and does not care then what hope is there?
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Post by lostintime on Nov 21, 2019 20:20:25 GMT -5
I hate that what was promised to me is not there any more. If your wife was to post here could she also make that statement? So what was promised to you? Can you describe it here to us? Or to your wife? If she knows and does not care then what hope is there? She would not argue with me, always looked up to me, would always do things with me that she was not interested in. She loved to have sex with me when ever I wanted. She would always praise me in anything I do. Now we do not do anything together. We watch different movies, we do different things, she puts me down quite often without realizing it and when I confront her she says that is not what she meant. I always help her and she never helps me work wise. She says that she loves me but most of the time she acts indifferent. She only helps and cares about me when I am in real trouble.
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Post by isthisit on Nov 22, 2019 1:16:10 GMT -5
If your wife was to post here could she also make that statement? So what was promised to you? Can you describe it here to us? Or to your wife? If she knows and does not care then what hope is there? She would not argue with me, always looked up to me, This most definitely is not what love looks like to me. Sounds to me like the lady entered the twentieth century let alone the twenty-first. Sorry if that stings but wow.
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Post by baza on Nov 22, 2019 5:52:16 GMT -5
Just been reading your back posts Brother lostintime . Essentially nothing seems to have changed (apart from an improvement in the financial situation) since you joined in January 2018. Presumably you have seen a lawyer to establish how a divorce would shake out for you, worked out a theoretical exit strategy, shored up your support network, and have some idea of how you'd shepherd your kids through such an event. In other words you have presumably done your homework and are now in possession of all the facts and can therefore make a fully informed choice about your next move. As far as - "Should I be happy with what I have or should I give in and start a new life?" goes, that is entirely your call and your responsibility. Like anyone else in here, you need to get yourself fully informed. Then you need to make your choice. Then you need to own that choice. Then you need to live that choice. She did not want a divorce, but she agreed that I will pay 25% of my income for the kids and that we will split everything. She loves the kids and she would want me to see them as often as possible. We will have to sell the house and buy two apartments. We will not be able to afford two houses in the neighborhood we are in as the price of a house is over $1M. I will only be able to see the kids maybe 2 times a week at most. So you've got all your information together Brother lostintime . Now you need to weigh it all up, make your choice, own that choice, and live that choice.
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Post by carl on Nov 22, 2019 20:21:15 GMT -5
For me there is one thing I see that is really telling "Love my kids and hate my wife." Hate is a very strong word. If you mean that, that's pretty hard to fix or change."Hate the things she does," "Hate the condition we are in", "Hate the way she chews her food." All seem to be things you could work out. But "Hate my wife"? Not sure if you can fix that. I can't advocate or give advice about starting, a new life without your wife. I have no experience in that area. I am in my early 40's and have been married for 21+ years. My wife and I have started new lives together a few times. What I mean by that is changes so big that one of us had to make bigger sacrifices for the other. It has made us stronger in many regards. My issue has been 95% related to are libido miss match and intimacy. I hate that what was promised to me is not there any more. Its like you buy a Toyota because it looks OK and is good and reliable, but after 3 years its start braking like a Mercedes. The only difference with a wife its not as easy to trade her in and get a new one. I kinda wish that I would of settled for a Mercedes and it would been as reliable as a Toyota. It does happened but not very often. So your wife made up for what she lacked in calibre, compared to yourself in your eyes, with a “free” bar in the bedroom. And that was all hunky dory until last orders got called and now you’re wishing you had stayed sober because things ain’t looking so pretty. You don’t have anyone but yourself to blame. But I understand. Life’s not easy. The thing to remember is that sex cannot substitute or replace love or emotional attachment nor replace a lack of admiration for someone and doing so will creat resentment between two people as you described. There are also many more dimensions and variations to a human than there are makes and models of cars. This is due to the huge numbers of possible combinations of chromosomes one could inherit from each parent making even the possibility of siblings being the same remote. So no two individuals unless they are identical twins for example are ever the same and so where one person may lack in creativity for example they may make up for that in logic or resolve and you can never really measure a humans performance or status is the same way as an inanimate object.( Although I have occasionally i believe found an exception.) you see where as cars are built intentionally to be identical for the particular model humans benefit from and are amazingly designed to creat diversity wherever possible and so evolve to become better adapted to their surroundings. So you may find that your “Toyota wife” isn’t as worthless as you think after all she is yours.
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Post by twotimesone on Nov 23, 2019 8:04:20 GMT -5
At least you W wants to work it out even though you don't want to. I've asked my W to go to counseling and she refuses to because she things I am the problem and I have to change, whatever that means. If she says that she wants to work things out then she is probably open to counseling, perhaps both of you should go. For me, I always I wanted to go on couple trips without the kids in order to try to rekindle the relationship and she makes up an excuse that she wants to bring the kids along. Now she went on the a trip by herself without me leaving babysitting the kids. I don't make as much money as you but I am planning go for a grey divorce. Divorce and then go for early retirement and get away from it all. Finance is key as I am planning to be there for my kids as a divorce will be costly financially. But as you say, living in a separate home will be costly. The answer is not easy but at least your W wants to work out the marriage.
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Post by lostintime on Nov 26, 2019 13:15:57 GMT -5
I hate that what was promised to me is not there any more. Its like you buy a Toyota because it looks OK and is good and reliable, but after 3 years its start braking like a Mercedes. The only difference with a wife its not as easy to trade her in and get a new one. I kinda wish that I would of settled for a Mercedes and it would been as reliable as a Toyota. It does happened but not very often. So your wife made up for what she lacked in calibre, compared to yourself in your eyes, with a “free” bar in the bedroom. And that was all hunky dory until last orders got called and now you’re wishing you had stayed sober because things ain’t looking so pretty. You don’t have anyone but yourself to blame. But I understand. Life’s not easy. The thing to remember is that sex cannot substitute or replace love or emotional attachment nor replace a lack of admiration for someone and doing so will creat resentment between two people as you described. There are also many more dimensions and variations to a human than there are makes and models of cars. This is due to the huge numbers of possible combinations of chromosomes one could inherit from each parent making even the possibility of siblings being the same remote. So no two individuals unless they are identical twins for example are ever the same and so where one person may lack in creativity for example they may make up for that in logic or resolve and you can never really measure a humans performance or status is the same way as an inanimate object.( Although I have occasionally i believe found an exception.) you see where as cars are built intentionally to be identical for the particular model humans benefit from and are amazingly designed to creat diversity wherever possible and so evolve to become better adapted to their surroundings. So you may find that your “Toyota wife” isn’t as worthless as you think after all she is yours. I never said that she is worthless and I do understand that people change. Sex was not the only thing that she offered in the beginning of the relationship it was overall how she was towards me in regards of all things. I met plenty of girls who offered more and better sex than she ever did. Your are missing the point here. My concern that after each large event she became more distant and indifferent towards me. 1. We got married (10% less) 2. First child was born (30% less) 3. Second child was born (20% less) 4. She started making good money (20% less) Keep in mind that during our relationship I was trying to help her in every possible way, dedicating my time and money
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Post by lostintime on Nov 26, 2019 13:22:21 GMT -5
At least you W wants to work it out even though you don't want to. I've asked my W to go to counseling and she refuses to because she things I am the problem and I have to change, whatever that means. If she says that she wants to work things out then she is probably open to counseling, perhaps both of you should go. For me, I always I wanted to go on couple trips without the kids in order to try to rekindle the relationship and she makes up an excuse that she wants to bring the kids along. Now she went on the a trip by herself without me leaving babysitting the kids. I don't make as much money as you but I am planning go for a grey divorce. Divorce and then go for early retirement and get away from it all. Finance is key as I am planning to be there for my kids as a divorce will be costly financially. But as you say, living in a separate home will be costly. The answer is not easy but at least your W wants to work out the marriage. I want to work it out and I tried many times. With time I became a lot better towards her and she became more distant towards me. We talked about counseling and both agree that counseling cannot help us. It looks like we are growing apart. She says she loves me but I do not feel loved.
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Post by Apocrypha on Nov 26, 2019 13:51:42 GMT -5
I told my story in a previous thread iliasm.org/thread/4099/adviseWife now works and makes about 100K a year. At the worst we did not have sex for a month as she was complaining that I was not helping, so I now help her with all reasonable demands. We still fight every couple of days and have sex about 3 times a week. At some point it was very bad and I asked for divorce I think my biggest issue is that in the beginning of our relationship she was very attracted to me and I was never really attracted to her but really liked her as a person. Girls that I was attracted to were not as nice toward me, so I decided to stay with her. It all started going down hill after the first child was born about 10 years ago it got a little worse after the second child was born, and now its getting really bad after she started making money. The overwhelming sense I got from your note today and in your previous story, is that you felt you compromised to marry her - that you didn't want to be married to her and just being with her was not your first choice. I think in a marriage, across a decade...it's really hard to hide that from your partner. It is expressed in many ways. As you said, you hate your wife. I don't think I'd really ever want to have sex with someone who I thought hated me. I'd probably not even want it with someone who really would prefer to be with someone other than me. If it started going downhill after the kid was born, then it is likely that the increased investment in the relationship amplified the feeling of being trapped with someone who isn't suited, or who holds them in contempt. Let me ask you - did it get worse also when you bought a house together, or made some other big investment? Not everyone who loves each other should be married to each other - at least in Western concepts of romantic marriage. The sense I'm getting from this is that the disconnection and distance you feel is likely the result of her perceiving the contempt.
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