Many of us have read the Five Love Languages or are at least familiar with its tenets. I suspect a lot of us would say that touch is our primary language.
I’ve been wondering if there’s a scarcity effect—e.g. lack of touch/affection/sex amplifies the importance of that language. I’ve been thinking about what my primary love language might be if I had all the touch, affection, and sexual intimacy I desire. (I think I know the answer to this question for myself: touch and quality time would occupy the top two spots.)
What do you all think? Is there a scarcity effect? If your primary love language is touch, do you think it might change if you we’re getting those needs met? For anyone who is out of their ILIASM deal, did you experience any kind of shift in your love languagess?
(Apologies for any typos. I’m typing this on my phone, on the elliptical at the gym, with no glasses.)
To answer the question "does scarcity affect your desire to want something" I will say "YES" in most cases.
As a radical example of scarcity not triggering one of my wants is wanting CAR that can go over 100 miles on a gallon of fuel. OK not exactly a love language, just a wish for a different toy.
Volkswagen XL1 Is The Most Efficient Car Ever... have worked to push fuel economy beyond 100 miles per gallon. Hackenberg, who had earlier worked with Bentley and Bugatti, got his team on the goal and cracked it too. And finally, in tests, the new XL1 got an overwhelming 261 mpg.
No shift for me. Affection, touch and sex exist in abundance now, as do communication, openness and honesty.
I know touch, affection and sex are our main language, so I suppose the main additions, rather than a shift as you describe, are fun, openness and a sense of adventure. And talking, respect, understanding, empathy. There are many things that sit on top of the core love languages and I am pretty sure if you nail the first few then the rest fall onto step to varying degrees.
We both come from SM environments, so don't take each other for granted. That's a big thing.
Also, she pushes me to try and do new things, and vice versa. We grow.
Everything is linked. We enhance each others lives in many ways, and this is built on our core love languages I suppose.
I recall in my marriage, my ex-wife constantly passive-aggressively pointing out that I would one day find a wife who would share my need for frequent sex. Frequent, I suppose in comparison to a grudging snog every 6 months or so.
In my present relationship, bordering on a couple years (semi-long distance), once or twice a week seems to fill our buckets with a little room to spare, with our present conversations about needs fixing more on finding "us" time, to do things with each other apart from our social groups and obligations.
Last Edit: Nov 7, 2019 14:19:46 GMT -5 by apocrypha
Hmmm - so I just now took the quiz again and got "Acts of Service" as my top love language. It has never been at the top for me before. My partner and I have tons of sex (touch is a close 3rd), we both value spending time together (quality time is my 2nd). Before words of affirmation came up quite high, but this time quite low. Gifts only got one point. I mean - hey, I like gifts!
Here's the thing. I have a great relationship. We tell each other all the time how much we appreciate each other. We try to spend a lot of time together. I really enjoy his company. We have a lot of sex and a lot of touch. Our touch isn't non-sexual - but we often hug and hold hands, but I don't think of it as non-sexual touch. My SM partner was shit on all accounts. But he was very verbally critical - verbally abusive. I not only hungered for touch but for words of affirmation. Of course, he pretty much did fuck all around the house and what he did do was all 'point scorey'. my partner now has always done little acts of service for me. And I have really, really come to appreciate it. And I tell him. But he also tells me all the time how much he really appreciates what I do for him, who I am, that he's in a relationship with me.
My old score really reflected what I was missing - and who I am. And my new score really reflects what I've come to appreciate and who I am.
Last Edit: Nov 7, 2019 14:28:46 GMT -5 by elkclan2
I think that if if your love language is (whatever you like) and you aren't getting (whatever you like) then (whatever you like) is going to start to assume disproportionate importance in your thinking.
And, if you get out, and the environment changes and you ARE getting (whatever you like) - as catsloveme posits - then ones focus does tend shift on to something else, to some extent.
Like Brother DryCreek 's head under water analogy. If your head is under water then breathing is a pretty major focus. If you manage to get your head above water, then maybe your focus switches over to your swimming technique.
Post by lifeinwoodinville on Nov 11, 2019 1:46:36 GMT -5
I read The Five Love Languages and a whole stack of other relationship books too. For some stupid reason I thought she would appreciate that I was putting effort into wanting to make a better relationship. I was completely wrong. She refused to read any of them, not even a single page. But who am I to complain? My attitude now is I have no right to complain if I'm not going to do anything about it. And I'm still here.
It's possible to win every battle but still lose the war.
I think this - "I thought she would appreciate that I was putting effort into wanting to make a better relationship" - is a reasonable enough piece of logic.
However, it pre-supposes that your spouse also wants to make a better relationship too. And that's where the logic falls over .... your spouse may be quite happy with the relationship exactly as it is and doesn't want it to change at all. The fact that the relationship as it is is causing you misery is not something of concern.
worksforme2: Real Mustang Guy....To see the latest posts, stories, replies, move your scroll arrow left to ILIASM Forum and wait. The General Category will appear. Move your arrow downto the word General and left click. All the categories will appear.
Oct 22, 2019 17:19:53 GMT -5
RealMustangGuy: Thank you worksforme2. That helps but this site is really confusing for me for some reason. I'll keep trying to figure it out though. Thank you again for your explanation.
Oct 23, 2019 8:15:40 GMT -5
RealMustangGuy: misssunnybunny, thank you as well for your link. I'll study that and hopefully it will help me figure this site out.
Oct 23, 2019 8:16:35 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: You're welcome! I do hope it helps.
Oct 23, 2019 20:44:53 GMT -5
RealMustangGuy: Hope everyone has a great weekend.
Oct 26, 2019 9:02:26 GMT -5
warmways: Happy birthday solodriver!
Oct 30, 2019 9:17:55 GMT -5
solodriver: Thanks warmways
Oct 30, 2019 23:36:15 GMT -5
RealMustangGuy: When using a member's username in a post, how does one get it to be in different color and work as a link? I can type in the name but after posting it doesn't look the same as when others use member's usernames in their posts.
Nov 2, 2019 11:37:25 GMT -5
bfar: Just stumbled on this article:https://masculinebydesign.com/sexless-marriage-is-symptomatic-of-emasculated-husbands/ was more than a little disconcerting. Are we digging ourselves further in the hole by trying to be all enlightened and sensitive?
Nov 3, 2019 13:46:42 GMT -5
petrushka: Mate, what's the alternative to all enlightened and sensitive here? Rape? Coercion? Sexual assault? Thanks, but I can do better than being a complete arsehole (or psychopath for that matter).
Nov 3, 2019 21:11:53 GMT -5
bfar: Petrushka... I'm just wondering if we shot ourselves in the foot, as it were, by giving giving up on our strength, and giving in to the feminist agenda of making men irrelevant.
Nov 5, 2019 11:30:21 GMT -5
petrushka: Sorry, I don't buy into that at all. I'm not giving up anything. I've been into the "feminist agenda" for nearly 60 years. Having an empowered partner empowers me. I want strong women around me who take responsibility for themselves and who can face me
Nov 5, 2019 17:20:16 GMT -5
petrushka: I see 'strong men', and controlling bullies, as basically weak, lacking confidence and self esteem -- hence they think they need to assert themselves that way. I loathe patriarchy as much as matriarchy. Partners should be equals.
Nov 5, 2019 17:24:43 GMT -5
petrushka: In my world view, you are buying into some really shitty memes there.
Nov 5, 2019 17:25:20 GMT -5
apocrypha: The "feminist agenda" has changed across the past 60 years. Some feminists of the 60's call the current iteration "fainting couch feminism", thinking it a subversion and betrayal of women's lib. Hard to get a bead on what folks think, using a broad label.
Nov 8, 2019 9:37:14 GMT -5
apocrypha: No aspect of that article (which I amount to a magazine offering bad diet advice) promotes rape, coercion (beyond seduction), sexual assault, and I don't understand your public performance suggesting that they would be and thus implicating bfar.
Nov 8, 2019 9:41:51 GMT -5
mirrororchid: pfar, being sensitive means understanding how others think and feel. It doesn't mean you are compelled to adopt their thoughts and feelings. This is a matter of understanding people including loved ones. If you aren't sensitive, you lack tools to
Nov 11, 2019 8:09:49 GMT -5
mirrororchid: live well. You need not soften, but you should be able to understand vulnerability. Recognizing others' distress provides me with cues when I need to use self-control or extend help. If you're strong, you should be helping others. Use what works.
Nov 11, 2019 8:14:06 GMT -5