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Post by nyctos on Dec 1, 2019 22:33:34 GMT -5
At first I read this as what's more important to your spouse than it is to you, and there are a whole host of those things -- for example, she can't stand having dishes in the sink, or not having the shoes at the door lined up neatly, or the cabinets remaining open -- all things that don't really bother me much or at all.
As for what's more important than me or our marriage, there are a number of those as well I suppose. The kids -- she definitely cares about them. The house in general, and any upgrades/changes she wants to make to it.
And, really... anything she happens to want to do at the time. I tried to think in reverse, to consider what she wouldn't do if she felt like doing it because it might threaten our marriage, and I can't actually think of anything.
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muzack
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Post by muzack on Dec 8, 2019 1:04:14 GMT -5
Honestly, I think my wife has the God First, Marriage Second, Family Third part down pat. She is very supportive of me and holds me in very high esteem.
That is a very high level assessment though. In the moment, it is very easy for her anxiety and hang ups to come ahead of me.
She deals with multiple anxiety / fear responses that drive her actions and drive her to try to take control. Clearest example is backseat driving on trips. She holds onto the grab bars, stamps at the imaginary passenger side brake pedal, trys to control how I set the defogger or wipers, reminds me whenever the speed limit changes, etc. Personal security for locking house, outside lights, alarms, security cameras are also a biggie.
Anxiety leads to her always trying to be one step ahead of every possible bad outcome in the future. This manifests as control and creating stories in her head to explain why others have done things different than the optimum safe thing or have responded negatively towards her. It is a very consuming exercise that I try my best to stay out of.
Her father was a controlling, dominant personality. He always wanted the best for everyone, but his weaknesses led him to assume everyone was incapable or unreliable to do what he KNEW was best for them. Mother was always focused on keeping up appearances and making sure everything looked just right in the house. Got to avoid the judgement of others I guess.
As a side effect, wife has knee jerk reaction to often correct me publicly and immediately when I am direct/stern with kids or the dog. Cuts my nuts off greatly. Afterwards she will apologize and tell me she was out of line. Still doesn't change the fact that 20+ years of intermittent therapy hasn't gotten her past ten years living with a loving, but controlling father.
Net effect is a very loving and supportive spouse whenever she can get off the mental roller coaster in her head.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 8, 2019 8:36:44 GMT -5
She then pointed out that it is her name, not the list that is on the paperwork and that’s probably when the gloves came off. Now that they are off, you know what? I DO want to divorce her AND her GD lists! You will find yourself repeatedly thinking " thank you for reinforcing my decision to get divorced. Thank you for confirming that I made the right choice. Thank you for proving the fact that "you have problems" these will no longer be my monkeys, not my circus." (Here's to new beginnings!)
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Post by lessingham on Dec 19, 2019 10:41:52 GMT -5
Her youtube influencers. Her tv box sets, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and her bed on a morning.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2019 17:02:39 GMT -5
Her youtube influencers. Her tv box sets, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and her bed on a morning. You'll have to give her Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I mean who doesn't have that at the top of their list : )
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Post by lessingham on Dec 20, 2019 5:49:26 GMT -5
I cannot say how much I loathed that show, at one point she was watching three series at the same time. Grrrrrr.
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endthegame
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Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Dec 21, 2019 8:57:01 GMT -5
The majority of what I have read so far spells - Dysfunction.
Before I left my SM I could have listed a million things she put above me, plus her moral explanations of why they are more important and that things should be (insert random act of 'not normal' here).
Post SM things are very different, that's because my new relationship is based on discourse, conversation and openness.
The shrink I saw during my SM told me I was regarded as incidental (as a human and partner). Many people with (Insert dysfunction here) treat a partner as an item. She advised me to regard myself as a piece of furniture - only useful when used, ignored when not. This opened my eyes a little so I could see how a controlling dysfunctional person operates. There are many to choose from btw. Narcissism, OCD, ocpd, bi polar, histrionic etc. etc.
I am not saying all SMs are like this, but a lot seem to be. The SM part of a relationship is just one element of a wider disregard for all other humans as well as a SM afflicted partner. Usually it's nothing you have done, it is how they are. Sometimes the dysfunction is so intrinsic to their personality and sense of self it is WHO they are. We look to fix them and they are unfixible. The shrink helped me understand this. I will say this again, like my shrink said to me.
She is broken You can not fix her It's not you, never was
As an aside, it eventually took the best person in the world (and my now partner) to ask me to question myself. She said "When will you love yourself enough to leave?" This prompted me to take the leap.
In a SM you will have a use to your partner, but that is all.
Looking back I see many techniques she created and used to gain what she wanted and to refuse (anything) she didn't want, including intimacy of all kinds. She operated without discourse of course, creating scenarios to force me and the children into situations that can not be escaped (manipulative control). This was very unhealthy.
Healthy relationships have power dynamics based on individual wants and needs. Having healthy boundaries helps, which is something I and my lovely new partner are navigating now (also x SM).
When you are still in it you can't see the wood for the trees, mostly. I lived on the merry go round of subtle coercive control for many years. It's so clear now to see what happened I sometimes have to stop a moment to appreciate what NORMAL is.
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Post by saarinista on Dec 21, 2019 14:37:14 GMT -5
Just an observation: it seems to me that religious extremism is a negative factor in many sexless marriages.
Look, I'm not saying it's a bad thing to be religious, but I DO think it's an extremely bad thing to be EXTREMELY religious, to the point where you think God is more important in your everyday life than your spouse's needs.
I'm pretty sure God can take care of God's needs.
Or worse yet, when you use God to JUSTIFY torturing your spouse with sexual refusal, spending all of spouse's money on refuses needs but not giving a shit about refusee's needs, and so forth.
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Post by csl on Dec 22, 2019 15:37:57 GMT -5
Just an observation: it seems to me that religious extremism is a negative factor in many sexless marriages. Look, I'm not saying it's a bad thing to be religious, but I DO think it's an extremely bad thing to be EXTREMELY religious, to the point where you think God is more important in your everyday life than your spouse's needs. I'm pretty sure God can take care of God's needs. Or worse yet, when you use God to JUSTIFY torturing your spouse with sexual refusal, spending all of spouse's money on refuses needs but not giving a shit about refusee's needs, and so forth. On the plus side, religious teaching on the importance of marriage and sexuality can be a fillip to working on trying to repair a sexless marriage.
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Post by sojourner on Dec 27, 2019 1:38:42 GMT -5
Our son
Her yappy lap dog
Her girlfriends
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 29, 2019 17:54:29 GMT -5
Just an observation: it seems to me that religious extremism is a negative factor in many sexless marriages. Look, I'm not saying it's a bad thing to be religious, but I DO think it's an extremely bad thing to be EXTREMELY religious, to the point where you think God is more important in your everyday life than your spouse's needs. I'm pretty sure God can take care of God's needs. Or worse yet, when you use God to JUSTIFY torturing your spouse with sexual refusal, spending all of spouse's money on refuses needs but not giving a shit about refusee's needs, and so forth. I think that if religion is used by a refuser, it is only an excuse of convenience, not a reason. My differentiation between excuses and reasons is that reasons have solutions and excuses don't. If a refuser for religious excuses was rebuked by scripture contrary to their actions, they might express shock as they reformulated their argument with fresh excuses. And, even if they could not find a new excuse, their heart is not going to be into their religiously required intimacy. That being said, yes, it is infuriating that refusers will lean on bad religious teaching.
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Post by Handy on Dec 29, 2019 18:07:26 GMT -5
From my experience, the Bible is similar to an "Erector set or LEGOS." You can build several things with the basic parts.
I heard some forks use the Bible to argue opposites of a topic depending on their own beliefs and used the Bible to back up their arguments.
The more I know (recent and historical data) about people living in groups, the less I would rely on the Bible.
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jessie83
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Post by jessie83 on Dec 29, 2019 20:05:58 GMT -5
He puts everything above me.His favorite is his video game. Knowing I'm not as important as a game makes me feel like nothin.
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Post by takestwototango on Jan 2, 2020 22:16:28 GMT -5
Let's see, his were:
1. Youtube videos 2. The cats 3. The dog next door 4. Himself
That's about it!
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endthegame
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Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Jan 3, 2020 14:55:56 GMT -5
itme There are different flavours of psychological 'illness' (correct generic term?) and/or disorders. For example Bipolar is very different from narcissism. My error in my previous statement is not being specific, so apologies and that was a sweeping statement that may cause offence. What I often see on this forum, and what my shrink described, are people married to a set of personality disordered individuals. More specifically antisocial ASPD, histrionic, narcissistic, BPD, certain types of OCD like OCPD. These disorders are intrinsically cruel to others, where as bipolar and many others are not. Apologies to anyone I may have offended.
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