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Post by ScottDinTN on Nov 4, 2019 13:50:55 GMT -5
This weekend I've gotten reminders of my wife's priorities and where I fall in them. What 5 things matter more to your spouse than you or your marriage?
1. Her work - She is a high achiever at work. She works over, volunteers to do more, she is basically a perfectionist at work. She is crushed if she is ever marked anything but above target on her annual evaluations. I always wondered what our marriage would be like if she gave it the same priority and effort.
2. The Dog - The dog is often sitting beside her or cuddling up to her in bed. Years ago I would have been jealous of the affection the dog receives. She takes her to the vet, get her nails trimmed, does about everything for her. I remember a couple months after we were married, I was running a high fever and I asked my wife is she would pick up my meds at the pharmacy. She said no which shocked me. She said it was too cold out. I drug myself out of bed and drove to the pharmacy. The ladies behind the counter looked at me strangely saying I was white as a sheet asking if I should be walking. I said no but my wife wouldn't help me and this was the only way I could get my meds. Its a wonder I made it home. I should have known then what was ahead of me in our marriage.
3. Her Family - My wife gets gifts for her family all the time. She even sends them thing for Valentines. Its rediculous. But when it comes to my special days, she has taken vacations over my birthday a number of times leaving me with nothing at all on my birthday. Our 20th anniversary, no gift. Her family is far more important when it comes to gifts.
4. The Pots and Pans - Any time I cook with pots and pans and she is in the room, she about goes insane if I even barely touch the pan with anything metal. Usually I am touching the food, not the pan. I know metal can scratch the teflon so I try not to do that. But she does this for the non-teflon pans as well. They are pure metal, no coating. She will clean them with a metal scrub brush, how is that different? I've almost stopped cooking while she is awake. I used to try to cook when I knew she was working late but then she would come home and complain and tell me that I didn't cook what she was planning to cook. So I stopped cooking meals for anyone else besides me when she is home.
5. The lights in the bedroom - She usually goes to work earlier than me. She will just flip on the light and slam doors even if I am still sleeping. I remember the times I have gotten up before her. I walk softly around the room and I have even used a small flash light so I can pick out my clothes from the closet without it bothering her. I never turn the lights on when she's sleeping and I'd never close doors hard. She used to sleep in the recliner downstairs until late at night, to avoid being in bed with me while I was awake, so she would wake me up when she came to bed; again, not being quiet and turning on lights. One of the reasons I left the bedroom was I just couldn't get any sleep because she never thought of how her actions disturbed my sleep.
I'm sure I could list more. Its just so obvious I was the last thing on her list of priorities. She seems so concerned of other's feelings when she's at work, church, or even out in public, but my concerns never seem to even cross her mind. When I leave some day, I know she will be shocked. But why? I will probably just laugh because she doesn't have a clue about caring for a spouse.
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Post by h on Nov 4, 2019 14:42:30 GMT -5
I don't think I have it quite so bad in this respect. 1) My W definitely puts her work before me. She is one of those perfectionists who would spend absurd amounts of time (personal, unpaid time) making a project well above standard despite the fact that her supervisors will barely notice. She will spend late nights after working hours and often more time working at home for no extra recognition, no extra money, with no possible chance of advancement from her current position. 2) Having a dog is more important than having me. She doesn't actually do much to help take care of it due to the above, but despite telling her multiple times she doesn't have time for a dog, she got one anyway and I got stuck with taking care of him. It sucks to have the added chore, but the dog actually like me more than her so I get that internal satisfaction of knowing that fact. 3) Her friends come before me. Her family does a little bit, but the friends are worse. They constantly throw guilt trips on her that she doesn't see them enough and she rearranges her schedule to makes plans she doesn't really want to go through with just to get them off her back. She won't do that for me though. 4) Things she wants come first. She is constantly getting suckered into buying stuff she doesn't need from those home show parties her friends host. She doesn't know how to say no if it's not something she wants. She also can't stop herself and take a second to differentiate between a "need" and a "want" so if she wants it, she NEEDS it and the effect on me isn't even considered. The most obvious example: I set money aside in the savings account to repair my vehicle. She spent our bill money from the checking account on supplies for her work (that she "needed" to have, but her employer didn't provide because they weren't really necessary as described above in par 1). I had to use the saved money for the bills that month so no fixing my car. This happens frequently. The other things you mentioned ScottDinTN she doesn't do. She's very considerate about leaving the lights off if I'm sleeping and being quiet when shutting doors. She never complains about how I use the pots and pans because she doesn't know how to use them much herself anyway. She doesn't complain about what food I make anymore because I got sick of that and told her I refused to make anything unless she told me what she wanted me to make so that's dealt with for good. Normal daily interactions are mostly civil, just devoid of any positive emotion.
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Post by Handy on Nov 4, 2019 15:23:26 GMT -5
1. Pets come way before people, even the grand kids and way ahead of me. She has 2 dogs and 4 cats at the moment. She has had as high as 13 pets for several years. 2. She used to spend half of her pay on QVC. That decreased but we still have too much stuff from QVC. 3. Now the political news is the most important thing to her and it is mostly one sided, so I often leave the room.
My W didn't even like working part time. She doesn't go out of hew way for friends and barely returns invitations Watching TV is easier. I shop and cook all the meals. If she doesn't like something she has a TV dinner or asks me to go out and bring home take-out food depending on several things. I quit worrying about what she doesn't like because her list was too long and unreasonable to me. My W has her money and doesn't touch mine. I pay all obligations in full and on time. Separate bedrooms so lights are not a problem to me. I can operate in the dark and the W needs a light on all of the time.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 4, 2019 19:15:18 GMT -5
1) Her morality. Her Jesus was better than my Jesus, her philosophy was better than my philosophy, her practices were better than my practices, and she was always happy to flaunt the superiority she perceived in her own mind.
2) Her Network marketing. She put a lot of time and effort into a "business" that netted her every month about what I brought home for three hours of work.
3) Her sleep.
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Post by notdeadyet on Nov 5, 2019 11:34:14 GMT -5
Sadly, 1)emptying or loading the dishwasher, 2)cleaning the cat-box, 3)closing out emails, 4)laundry, 5)petty arguments from 6 months ago, and 6)PRETTY MUCH anything and EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD.
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Post by michael on Nov 5, 2019 16:53:22 GMT -5
1. My wife loves the two cats more. She is always petting them and talking to them in that stupid voice. It really annoys me. She calls me dad to the cats. I just roll my eyes.
2. Her need to be right every time, all the time, no matter how wrong she is. I remember she argued about a math problem for an hour. She didn’t know the a billion is 1000 million. She thought a billion was was 10 million. After I finally convinced her she said “ You told me I was wrong today,” then went to bed. I was dumb founded.
3. My wife likes lights on too. All the lights, all the time, even during the day. If I turn lights off she will say, “I’m going in there later.” It doesn’t matter about the bill. It’s the same every month for her. Zero dollars. I pay the bill. Sometimes if I say something she will pout and turn off all the lights and sit in the dark. I’m supposed to feel sorry for her and turn on all the lights for her.
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Post by baza on Nov 5, 2019 18:32:34 GMT -5
There are a number of things in the enna/baz deal where her priorities over-ride me. And there are a number of things in the deal where my priorities over-ride her. So there are times and circumstances where I - or her - are not my or her priority.
Mainly, these tend to involve our respective kids (she has 2 adult kids, so do I) and some sort of problem they have from time to time. We knew this would be the case from the get go, so this is not an issue that has sprung up out of no-where, rather it is something we discussed and agreed before we ever moved in together.
Further, if you were to ask Ms enna to name 3 - 5 annoying habits I have, I reckon she'd be able to do so pretty readily. And I reckon I could name 3 - 5 annoying habits she has without having to think real hard.
She is impulsive and can act without thinking things through. OTOH I can overthink things and be slow to act. But these seemingly contradictory things actually compliment each other we find. Her "get into it" attitude can curb my overthinking tendencies, and my overthinking can curb her impulses, and somewhere in the middle we get to a consensus .... usually !!
I think that if your spouse habitually puts you second (or worse) that's very unhealthy. Same as if you habitually put yourself first all the time. That's just as unhealthy.
Unhealthy enough to get out of it ? Entirely your call.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 5, 2019 22:31:31 GMT -5
I think that if your spouse habitually puts you second (or worse) that's very unhealthy. Same as if you habitually put yourself first all the time. That's just as unhealthy. Unhealthy enough to get out of it ? Entirely your call. Loved the rest of your post, and certainly don't want to diminish it, in any way! The last line did make me want to type a response so.... When your spouse habitually puts you second, or worse, you are mentioned only when it fits THEIR wants ,needs, and agenda. When you are under their control, and they are CONSTANTLY taking of you and giving nothing in return. When your spouse habitually puts themselves first all the time ( is a taker). It's beyond 'unhealthy' it gets to be mentally ( and in some cases physically) abusing it's beyond time to get out of it! Baza's stories are a great example of 'what someone else' can do for you and with your true self!
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Post by csl on Nov 5, 2019 22:41:15 GMT -5
I think that if your spouse habitually puts you second (or worse) that's very unhealthy. Same as if you habitually put yourself first all the time. That's just as unhealthy. Unhealthy enough to get out of it ? Entirely your call. Loved the rest of your post, and certainly don't want to diminish it, in any way! The last line did make me want to type a response so.... When your spouse habitually puts you second, or worse, you are mentioned only when it fits THEIR wants ,needs, and agenda. When you are under their control, and they are CONSTANTLY taking of you and giving nothing in return. When your spouse habitually puts themselves first all the time ( is a taker). It's beyond 'unhealthy' it gets to be mentally ( and in some cases physically) abusing it's beyond time to get out of it! Baza's stories are a great example of 'what someone else' can do for you and with your true self! To sum this all up, you are merely an accessory to his/her lifestyle.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 6, 2019 9:50:24 GMT -5
5. The lights in the bedroom - She usually goes to work earlier than me. She will just flip on the light and slam doors even if I am still sleeping. I remember the times I have gotten up before her. I walk softly around the room and I have even used a small flash light so I can pick out my clothes from the closet without it bothering her. I never turn the lights on when she's sleeping and I'd never close doors hard. She used to sleep in the recliner downstairs until late at night, to avoid being in bed with me while I was awake, so she would wake me up when she came to bed; again, not being quiet and turning on lights. One of the reasons I left the bedroom was I just couldn't get any sleep because she never thought of how her actions disturbed my sleep. The sleep deprivation, helps with the 'brainwashing'. Just more manipulative control. Been there. My ex did much of the same . Especially, after we slept in separate rooms. She insisted on turning on lights, ,slamming doors, flushing toilets, etc.. in the bathroom attached to the bedroom. I Confronted her about it and let her know that she has 3 other bathrooms to use, and it would require no door slamming, and was less room to walk". Her response? "No. I'll do whatever I please."
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 6, 2019 10:04:02 GMT -5
I posted this before in another thread but it bares repeating . Back when my then W and I where going to our child's psychologist for marriage counseling my then W was asked to list her top 5 priorities, and to place them in order.. (she could only come up with 4)
Her list. 1) God 2) Family 3) Work 4) Church
I confronted her list and said " every Christian book ,radio broadcast, sermon, I have ever heard says this" God first, marriage second, family third. So where is marriage on your list?"
She quickly responded " Oh... that's part of family".
I responded" No. That's AFTER marriage, it's seperate from family".
There was little to say. It had already been said in the past, how me ( the spouse) had been placed on the backburner ever since the first child was born and now the burner is broken!
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Post by notdeadyet on Nov 6, 2019 11:34:05 GMT -5
5. The lights in the bedroom - She usually goes to work earlier than me. She will just flip on the light and slam doors even if I am still sleeping. I remember the times I have gotten up before her. I walk softly around the room and I have even used a small flash light so I can pick out my clothes from the closet without it bothering her. I never turn the lights on when she's sleeping and I'd never close doors hard. She used to sleep in the recliner downstairs until late at night, to avoid being in bed with me while I was awake, so she would wake me up when she came to bed; again, not being quiet and turning on lights. One of the reasons I left the bedroom was I just couldn't get any sleep because she never thought of how her actions disturbed my sleep. You're being "nice" bcs you're still hoping being nice will pay dividends. She has no such agenda. Rather, she "wins" if she makes you mad enough to leave her alone. The sleep deprivation, helps with the 'brainwashing'. Just more manipulative control. Been there. My ex did much of the same . Especially, after we slept in separate rooms. She insisted on turning on lights, ,slamming doors, flushing toilets, etc.. in the bathroom attached to the bedroom. I Confronted her about it and let her know that she has 3 other bathrooms to use, and it would require no door slamming, and was less room to walk". Her response? "No. I'll do whatever I please."
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Post by Handy on Nov 6, 2019 19:49:12 GMT -5
About lights on and no one in the room, several women I know turn on the bedroom lights as soon as it starts to get dark after supper in the wintertime because they do not like going into a dark room. Some also leave a light on in the bathroom because it "IS DARK in there."
Me, light coming through the window from outside is enough light for me to find the light switch and I can put on clothes in the datk AND tie my shoes without turning on a light.
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Post by michael on Nov 7, 2019 1:53:54 GMT -5
Oh, I forgot to mention her biggest love of all. Her phone, and whoever it happens to be that she is texting at the other end.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 7, 2019 14:45:41 GMT -5
My partner definitely focuses on things other than me/ our relationship. But I usually don't feel 2nd. HIs work is really important to him. He gives me space and support for my work. He watches my kid and I watch his kids when work conflict arises. We have minor children. We both prioritise kid time. Him more than me because he sees his kids less. I know if I don't feel happy about something, I can tell him.
My ex - I was below almost everything - especially his hobbies and after he took his dark dive on politics - his idea of how Mars Men and Venus Women should interact - despite the fact that neither one of us are exactly archetypal gender stereotypes.
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