|
Post by greatcoastal on Oct 30, 2019 14:21:36 GMT -5
But this whole chore thing is a weird topic. Like are you only doing those things for your partner? It is your house too, no? Why is yardwork a favor to your SO as opposed to a task to maintain the home you own? It is a sensitive topic because I do so much more than he does. And he is so much messier than everyone else. I can only share my own experience. first..yardwork. Yard Work has been, and will always be, something that I actually take pride in, and enjoy! It also is a great time to be alone and away from my SM. My teenage kids could have, and should have participated in this chore, but.... my efforts where met with interference by my ex. More manipulative controlling, making me look like the bad guy. It came around to bite her in the butt when I left. No one wanted to take care of it, and her money hoarding attitude REFUSED to pay to have it done. Not acceptable in the gated community she decided to remain living in. Other chores like cleaning the house was something that I spent years of training my 6 kids to participate in, and do their share of. Again, by the end of our relationship, she took the attitude of " it's not important." Making me out to be the 'bad guy' as I told my teens, " you can't go through life that way". Buying all the groceries was another chore where she took another good thing, turned it around and accused me of "possibly spending money on other things". NEVER HAPPENED. I took her false accusations and told her. FINE. You do it. Me and the 6 kids ended up with an empty pantry, throughout the 20 months of the divorce. (she brought home food for her and her daddy, in secret and they ate in his room. Pathetic... looking back on it) Cleaning up her clothes. I always did the laundry, our entire marriage. I remember our first few weeks together. I informed her, " I put my clothes away every day, and hang them up". (wanting her to do the same and keep the room clean) She informed me " I put mine away once a week. It's fine, I don't have a problem with it". Notice the "veto power", that I let happen, from the beginning? Weeks would go by, and the piles got bigger, on her side of the room. This went on throughout our entire 25 yrs. Paying the bills, and doing the budget. I tip my hat to her for taking care of all of it. However,... I lived alone for 8 yrs before our marriage and was quiet capable of taking care of finances...hindsight proves that it was her way to hoard money and have far more control over the household than I realized at the time. Perhaps, in her mind, all of this ,was acceptable and justified the no sex, no respect, selfish behavior? Why ask why? NO more why chasing! I knew that after the divorce, I would have my own home, my own rules, and my own standards. I now have a different woman and we do most all of our chores, together. I ask her to do them with me, and she likes being with me!
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Oct 30, 2019 16:17:10 GMT -5
H, even if you live together after a legal separation, do you still have to pay spousal support?
|
|
|
Post by h on Oct 31, 2019 8:03:13 GMT -5
H, even if you live together after a legal separation, do you still have to pay spousal support? Wouldn't matter. If I asked for a legal separation, she would be so insulted and hurt, she would move out and file for divorce quickly. She's emotional and impulsive. She wouldn't even think about the long term consequences before demanding a divorce, which in her mind would be my fault because I asked for a separation. She's very black and white with no ability to think in the gray areas.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Nov 2, 2019 23:17:07 GMT -5
We have not had a real update from you since she was making an effort. This is my sense and experience- all effort eventually dries up and you end up in the exact same place again with more resentment. How many cycles will we go through before we give up? Sounds like you are there, my friend. I am so sorry and so happy for you at the same time. Clarity is an essential element for movement. I encourage you to do whatever you need to do to emget out quick. You are young and awesome and have lots of time and adventure ahead of you. I've been there for a while. I completely gave up on any hope of her changing. I'm devoting my effort to finances now. I'm working on separating accounts, pushing her to be more mindful of spending, and paying down debts that cannot be added to (student loans, car loan, but not credit cards). While I understand that credit cards have higher interest rates and it makes more sense to pay those first, anytime I knock one down, she runs it back up again so I quit trying. I'm really just stuck waiting for the right conditions to leave. A number of different things could move me closer to that goal but I have little control over them. I'm living life in limbo. I'm fighting the same battle. We're just roommates trying to get the financials in shape so I can separate and start my divorce and a new life. I can't do it under the current financial situation, though it is improving, just a very slow process.
|
|
|
Post by h on Nov 4, 2019 13:08:21 GMT -5
I've been there for a while. I completely gave up on any hope of her changing. I'm devoting my effort to finances now. I'm working on separating accounts, pushing her to be more mindful of spending, and paying down debts that cannot be added to (student loans, car loan, but not credit cards). While I understand that credit cards have higher interest rates and it makes more sense to pay those first, anytime I knock one down, she runs it back up again so I quit trying. I'm really just stuck waiting for the right conditions to leave. A number of different things could move me closer to that goal but I have little control over them. I'm living life in limbo. I'm fighting the same battle. We're just roommates trying to get the financials in shape so I can separate and start my divorce and a new life. I can't do it under the current financial situation, though it is improving, just a very slow process. That's exactly where I'm at. It is taking forever but slow progress is being made. She's not on the same page as I am so it's taking longer, but every month I get a few dollars closer to free. I know that she's an anchor around my neck financially, but she would be more of one in a divorce so I have to build up my income/debt ratio so I don't ruin myself when I file.
|
|
|
Post by ScottDinTN on Nov 4, 2019 23:59:08 GMT -5
We have been on the same page mostly and have paid off all our debts 10 years ago except the house and we are both committed to not incurring any new debt. That helps a lot as I look to moving out some day. I won't have to worry about paying debts but, losing a good portion of the finances we have built up over the years is a hard price to pay. But money isn't everything. Living in a smaller house with a bare bones budget may still be worth the sacrifice.
A little wisdom from Proverbs 21:9: "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife."
Peace in a small house will be much better than losing a little piece of your soul every day in a larger house with someone you don't love.
|
|
|
Post by h on Nov 5, 2019 7:59:58 GMT -5
We have been on the same page mostly and have paid off all our debts 10 years ago except the house and we are both committed to not incurring any new debt. That helps a lot as I look to moving out some day. I won't have to worry about paying debts but, losing a good portion of the finances we have built up over the years is a hard price to pay. But money isn't everything. Living in a smaller house with a bare bones budget may still be worth the sacrifice. A little wisdom from Proverbs 21:9: "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Peace in a small house will be much better than losing a little piece of your soul every day in a larger house with someone you don't love. I fully agree with you that downsizing would be preferable to living with her, but the problem is I'm already near the bottom. I don't have much downsizing I can do. The biggest thing I will downsize is the grocery bill because I am conscientious enough to plan ahead to avoid waste and I won't be buying things I don't need to survive. W is big on having snacks around, and always buys a bunch of fresh fruit that she leaves around to rot. Our house isn't really very valuable and due to the current housing market, we could barely break even if we sold it. Our vehicles are all used. I'm still wearing the same clothes to work that I've had for over 3 years. There's not much room below me to downsize. I get what you're saying, but I'm not in a position to move forward.
|
|
|
Post by ScottDinTN on Nov 5, 2019 15:09:39 GMT -5
I fully agree with you that downsizing would be preferable to living with her, but the problem is I'm already near the bottom. I don't have much downsizing I can do. The biggest thing I will downsize is the grocery bill because I am conscientious enough to plan ahead to avoid waste and I won't be buying things I don't need to survive. W is big on having snacks around, and always buys a bunch of fresh fruit that she leaves around to rot. Our house isn't really very valuable and due to the current housing market, we could barely break even if we sold it. Our vehicles are all used. I'm still wearing the same clothes to work that I've had for over 3 years. There's not much room below me to downsize. I get what you're saying, but I'm not in a position to move forward. One thing I had to do to prepare to be on my own was to get a better job. I looked every day for 8 months but finally found something with health insurance and a small bump in pay. I needed that since my insurance has always been with my wife's work. I know its not easy to do but that may be a next good step for you. Money is definitely a consideration in planning the transition. I'm glad you are looking at all sides.
|
|
|
Post by h on Nov 5, 2019 16:27:43 GMT -5
I fully agree with you that downsizing would be preferable to living with her, but the problem is I'm already near the bottom. I don't have much downsizing I can do. The biggest thing I will downsize is the grocery bill because I am conscientious enough to plan ahead to avoid waste and I won't be buying things I don't need to survive. W is big on having snacks around, and always buys a bunch of fresh fruit that she leaves around to rot. Our house isn't really very valuable and due to the current housing market, we could barely break even if we sold it. Our vehicles are all used. I'm still wearing the same clothes to work that I've had for over 3 years. There's not much room below me to downsize. I get what you're saying, but I'm not in a position to move forward. One thing I had to do to prepare to be on my own was to get a better job. I looked every day for 8 months but finally found something with health insurance and a small bump in pay. I needed that since my insurance has always been with my wife's work. I know its not easy to do but that may be a next good step for you. Money is definitely a consideration in planning the transition. I'm glad you are looking at all sides. For me, it's the opposite. I'm the higher earner and my W is dependent on the insurance from my employer. If she gets hired at a better paying position with her own insurance, my money problems go away. She works in the same field as me but for an organization that pays much less and has almost no benefits. They just happened to be the first one to hire her after a long string of interviews and demoralizing rejections. She's very capable in her job and would be an asset to any employer but she's bad at interviews and takes it way too personally when she gets passed over. I've been trying to help her with editing and formatting her resumes and cover letters to get her foot in the door, but jobs are few and far between due to low turnover rate. There is really nothing I can do to improve my pay in my field of work. I'm already at a place that pays better than most. There's nowhere to move up to. If I moved to a different field of work, I wouldn't be able to keep my second job so in order to make it worthwhile, I would need a pay increase much larger than I can reasonably expect for someone switching fields. The taxes and cost of living are high here but access to my extended family keeps me here for the foreseeable future. Also, I wouldn't be able to take my retirement with me if I left the state. I would have to wait until retirement age and take serious penalties for not finishing my required years of service to collect.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Nov 5, 2019 19:02:14 GMT -5
We have been on the same page mostly and have paid off all our debts 10 years ago except the house and we are both committed to not incurring any new debt. That helps a lot as I look to moving out some day. I won't have to worry about paying debts but, losing a good portion of the finances we have built up over the years is a hard price to pay. But money isn't everything. Living in a smaller house with a bare bones budget may still be worth the sacrifice. A little wisdom from Proverbs 21:9: "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Peace in a small house will be much better than losing a little piece of your soul every day in a larger house with someone you don't love. I agree.
But a small house or even a room is better than homelessness.
The problem is having to adjust and change the mindset to deal with the "quarrelsome (lazy, refusing, arrogant, mean) wife.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Nov 5, 2019 19:14:47 GMT -5
Money is definitely a consideration in planning the transition. I'm glad you are looking at all sides. Money may be the most important consideration. Especially when you have limited or no financial resources to draw upon. It just makes the SM situation more exasperating.
The good news is there are a few members here who have dealt with that and have some good advice on how to deal with it. It doesn't make the situation any easier but their ideas can help make it more bearable until the time that you can initiate a separation/divorce.
I found having an "emotional separation" has at least helped, even though some days are harder than others still when it comes to dealing with my refuser. For me it can be an hour to hour struggle to stay focused and positive. Having a few friends in my support network helps so much.
|
|
|
Post by ScottDinTN on Nov 5, 2019 19:16:20 GMT -5
For myself, I wouldn't mind living in a small place. A small cabin in the woods is my dream retirement dwelling. I'm a fan of minimalism and I have downsized so that 95% of my belongings fit in one room (that is not crowded). It will also make the move easier which is convenient. I could probably move everything I own in 2 mini van loads. I could live in a tiny house if I needed to. But something a tad bigger, a small house, would be preferred.
Having at least one extra bedroom for when my kids come over is the main reason I would want something bigger. Use it as a "Play Room" when I don't have family over. :-).
|
|
|
Post by workingonit on Nov 5, 2019 19:36:30 GMT -5
Money seems to be a problem holding us back as well. We just had a talk about selling the house again. We need to sell the house so he can have some money to supplement his stipend while he finishes his PhD. But he pointed out that it will be near impossible to sell the house with him still living in it as he has an enormous library that takes over every part of the house. Round and round. We are luckier than some here in terms of money but no lies a nice lump sum lottery win would eliminate some huge barriers! And I am a minimalist at heart! I cannot wait to live small again! I look around my house and almost everything is his or from his late mother. I am downsizing my own stuff now even more and loving it. And h I am currently wearing my high school swim team sweat pants so I've got you beat on the clothes 😜!
|
|
|
Post by ScottDinTN on Nov 5, 2019 20:42:29 GMT -5
Isn't down sizing freeing?! I took two van loads of things to the dump and have made aroun $2,000 selling everything that's not hers. I would sell her stuff if I could. lol
I would recommend renting a storage building or getting one of those Pods and go ahead and move his library and whatever else you can do without temporarily so you can sell the house. That's a way he could still live in the house while its up for sell.
Some people actually get away with living in their storage unit. Now that is a tiny house! lol
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Nov 5, 2019 20:55:10 GMT -5
We have been on the same page mostly and have paid off all our debts 10 years ago except the house and we are both committed to not incurring any new debt. That helps a lot as I look to moving out some day. I won't have to worry about paying debts but, losing a good portion of the finances we have built up over the years is a hard price to pay. But money isn't everything. Living in a smaller house with a bare bones budget may still be worth the sacrifice. A little wisdom from Proverbs 21:9: "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Peace in a small house will be much better than losing a little piece of your soul every day in a larger house with someone you don't love. I fully agree with you that downsizing would be preferable to living with her, but the problem is I'm already near the bottom. I don't have much downsizing I can do. The biggest thing I will downsize is the grocery bill because I am conscientious enough to plan ahead to avoid waste and I won't be buying things I don't need to survive. W is big on having snacks around, and always buys a bunch of fresh fruit that she leaves around to rot. Our house isn't really very valuable and due to the current housing market, we could barely break even if we sold it. Our vehicles are all used. I'm still wearing the same clothes to work that I've had for over 3 years. There's not much room below me to downsize. I get what you're saying, but I'm not in a position to move forward. I'm in EXACTLY the same position. It's very hard to move forward but I know that month by month the bills are coming down. But that's why I decided to emotionally separate myself from her. She keeps to herself and I keep to myself and only discuss things like finances, household problems or the pets. I'm hoping by this time next year my situation will be completely different.
|
|