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Post by tamara68 on Oct 27, 2019 2:43:52 GMT -5
RealMustangGuy said his wife is “adamant” that she doesn’t want at home care. I agree with the others that you need to take care of yourself. Your wife doesn't want home care. That is understandable but that doesn't mean she has the final say in that. She has never had much interest in your needs. Not before her Alzheimer and not with Alzheimer. She only feels her own needs. She can't think strait anymore so she is not able to be brought to her senses with good arguments. So decisions are up to you. You have not been used to that. But there would be nothing wrong if you told your wife that you have decided to have some help several times a week. You understand she needs some time to get used to that. You - and most other people who have been / are in a sexless marriage, think more of their spouses needs than their own. Putting your own needs first is not selfish, it is necessary to stay healthy and to become happier.
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Post by Handy on Oct 27, 2019 16:06:33 GMT -5
I wasn't aware Mrs Mustang has Alzheimer. It this her major medical problem?
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Post by vesb68 on Nov 1, 2019 17:01:25 GMT -5
Hi, I’m so grateful to you all for writing /participating in this discussion. I’m a relatively new member and I can honestly say that finding this forum has been a mental-health lifesaver . I have spent years thinking my SM was my fault , that I could change my hubby through my love , through cherishing him , through my devotion . But , thanks to all of your comments on various threads in the forum I’ve realised that although he is my refuser , I think he is actually asexual and when , and the beginning of our relationship, he explained to me he had a ‘low sex drive’ , he should have said ‘no sex drive’ but his pride probably precluded this . We met on a blind date , both having had our previous spouses leave us within the year prior to our meeting . Within 12 months of us being together (happy, having fun but already relatively sexless) he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer . He was given under 18 months to live . There are no words to describe ... So, treatment started and my relationship with shifted to carer ; he was so ill , so brave , so strong and so stubborn . He fought back with all his strength and 9 years on he is still with me and our children and we are nearly 8 years married . I love him He adores me But ILIASM , and I have been since the start ... reading everyone’s experiences has been such a comfort ; I am not alone ! I had no idea ... a few months ago I was in such a dark place , guilt ridden for even feeling like that because my wonderful hubby still wages battle with chronic pain , blindness , deafness, mood swings and severe balance issues on a daily basis . My man is affectionate , hugs and kisses me and treats me with respect and kindness so I am so very lucky in so many ways . But I miss sex. Really miss it , but outsourcing seems to be such a terrible terrible betrayal . He & I have had ‘the talk’ he told me I could leave ; he feels he’s ruined my life , which isn’t true . He’s given me a whole new outlook, understanding and dimension. But for all that life has been hard - Financially things have been tough , really tough , he’s not been able to work in 9 years and sometimes I just reflect on my life and think ‘what if....’ Gosh , I’ve rambled on ...apologies . I suppose I’m just trying to gain clarity in a complex situation ...if an outsourcing opportunity arises do I take it ? Do I tell him so I can have a ‘ clear ’ conscience , but cause him unimaginable angst through my selfish behaviour in doing so . Again , I am so grateful to finally have souls to share this with . Thank you all.
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Post by Handy on Nov 1, 2019 17:43:38 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum vesb68 . Sexuality takes many forms and when a person has all of the troubles as your H, I can understand why he is asexual. It still hurts you so I understand how alone you can feel at times.
If you read enough of the threads, you can get an idea of what is going to happen in your life.
As far as outsourcing, no one her would likely criticize you but be aware even if your H approves it might change him and how he interacts with you.
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Post by baza on Nov 1, 2019 17:57:22 GMT -5
Welcome to the zoo Sister vesb68 . One thing you'll find in here is that some "things you always thought" will get challenged, sometimes vigorously challenged in the discussions. It's not done with any malice, but is rather to present the few options available in a different way, from different perspectives. This can be quite confronting You've obviously been reading quite a bit already, and that's not a bad policy to adopt whilst you find your feet in the group.
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Post by RealMustangGuy on Nov 2, 2019 11:35:17 GMT -5
tamara68 and Handy thank you for your thoughts. You are both right I need to take care of myself. Alzheimers isn't her only health issue, just one of many. I really am doing okay with the caregiving part, it's the sexless part which came about long before her now serious health issues, that is my ongoing problem.
vesb68 welcome to our group. Just wish you and all of us didn't need to be here. Like you I had no idea this sexless world existed for anyone except myself. My first exposure to the amazing people in this group was the Experience Project, a very large online site that has since closed. There people could join groups based on their experiences. The Sexless Marriage group on EP was their larges with over 52,000 members. For me great comfort was found too in knowing that I am not alone. And you are definitely not alone nor is this situation in any way your fault.
For many of you I know outsourcing is an option and even a solution. Just not one that is a good fit for me. I know you all wish to give great help and advice to all of us and that is most comforting and appreciated. I do get comfort is knowing I'm not alone and knowing that even on an anonymous site like this one people do care and want to help. So for me, what is best right now is just to hold on to the hope for a better and sex filled life after my sexless marriage ends.
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Post by Handy on Nov 2, 2019 11:56:59 GMT -5
RealMustangGuy, yes people want to help. Where the help starts to go sideways is I can advise someone else to do something but I will admit I have not implemented the same advice for myself. In regards to outsourcing, I don't think that many good examples exist so that mostly off the table unless one actually spends time looking for a FWB and most of us don't have the time, opportunity (spare time and money to sort through a haystack of possibilities-good and bad) and it basically violates past moral standards for many people. I think several people would go for a FWB if it fell into our respective laps and the FWB partner was in a similar SM. RealMustangGuy, what do you do for yourself to promote your health and mental stability? I was going to the gym and yoga 2X a week (2 hr deal), going shopping, fixing a few things for friends, and visiting a few relatives. I also call people just to exchange concerns and find out how they are doing. What I am getting at is, you as a care giver need some down time and things to re-charge your system so you can continue to be a CARE GIVER. This is one reason some people suggest outside help. They are concerned you might reach empty one day and find that you are the one that will need the care when it becomes an emergency. Then what happens to the RealMustangGuy?
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 2, 2019 15:29:44 GMT -5
“ Do I tell him so I can have a ‘ clear ’ conscience , but cause him unimaginable angst through my selfish behaviour in doing so . ”
I don’t view it as selfish to outsource to get sex if your spouse can’t provide it. Some people whose spouse is too ill to have sex reach an agreement with their spouse that outsourcing is ok. Have you discussed that with your husband?
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Post by vesb68 on Nov 3, 2019 2:24:08 GMT -5
“ Do I tell him so I can have a ‘ clear ’ conscience , but cause him unimaginable angst through my selfish behaviour in doing so . ” I don’t view it as selfish to outsource to get sex if your spouse can’t provide it. Some people whose spouse is too ill to have sex reach an agreement with their spouse that outsourcing is ok. Have you discussed that with your husband?
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Post by vesb68 on Nov 3, 2019 2:48:34 GMT -5
Thanks so much for all the thoughts and support ; I’m having trouble replying to each of you on my mobile device - apologies . Yes, I have discussed my needs with him - and he said he understood exactly why I was asking/talking to him about it . But , did he ? Really ? As he truly does not know what it feels like to be me with the level of desire I have, and the need to be desired ; or was he just saying what I wanted to hear. It’s so hard as I am his main (only) caregiver ; our children (3 between us) are older and live away from us , our finances do not allow us to buy in care, but we have an incredible circle of friends that support us wonderfully. . Even considering my actions regarding OS fulls me with guilt (hence I haven’t done anything in the last 10 years) . We are incompatible sexually thats the crux of it . That will never change . His health will only get worse and sadly mine may too as I look after him ; there is no guarantee that his terminal illness will take him , before something ‘out the blue ‘ could take me . So I seesaw mentally between justification of my OS actions because my own life deserves my needs to be met and guilt that I could even consider putting myself first when my lovely hubby (and in my marriage I love and respect my husband immensely- there is no outward unkind or cruel behaviour) is facing such an unimaginable tough time . And also , who says that the OS experience is going to be a good one !! Blimey, it could be as disaster !! Anyhow, as always it’s so great to be supported on here and thanks for the time taken to reply . I sincerely appreciate all your opinions , If an opportunity arises it could be a Shakespeare moment ; To be or not to be ...to tell him or not ... and I suppose I’ll just have to deal with it as and when. And , I’ll try to work out how to work the reply option on here properly too! Thank you all again
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 3, 2019 12:40:46 GMT -5
vesb68, I have no answers, only observations and questions, but... It seems your actions will depend very much on your own convictions and fortitude. How important are your own needs vs subjugating them to the needs of others? In the world of disaster responders, one of the tenets is that you need to be selfish about your own care because if you don’t then you can no longer help and instead become an additional burden. How “necessary” intimacy is for you, is something only you can weigh because it’s different for everyone. Then, how necessary is it for you to be transparent about it, both in the interest of your conscience, but also the effect on your husband (if you do, or if you don’t and he finds out later). Do you have the kind of relationship where you could have an objective conversation, take a firm stance, and say “I’m sorry if you don’t like it, but this is our reality and I have a non-negotiable need”? If he objected to your actions (whether you tell him or he discovers them), what is the worst-case outcome? Are you prepared for that?
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Post by RealMustangGuy on Nov 4, 2019 12:46:36 GMT -5
Thanks to tamara68 I now how to properly insert a user's name in my replies. Handy I try to fill my life with hobbies and that helps me cope. Mostly they work but depression robs one of interests in things like hobbies. When my depression is fought back my hobbies do help me. My hobbies and most especially my hope for a better future whenever that might come get me through this sexless existence. I truly thank you for what you said though. vesb68 I can relate so very well to all that you say. I should have made changes in my sexless life years ago but did not. Now I am stuck and I will not leave my wife when she needs me the most. I have not had any opportunity for outsourcing and at my age wouldn't even know how to find such an opportunity. I haven't dated for almost 30 years and with my wife still here wouldn't try to do that anyway. My comfort has always been that I'm not alone and others are experience this sexless life. I do hold on to hope for a better future. One with sex and romance and all kinds of intimacy. I just have to keep telling myself I'm not too old and still can have that one day.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 4, 2019 14:46:35 GMT -5
I met a man at my gym and in the course of conversing learned he lives with a seriously disabled wife. He also had a girlfriend, whom he introduced me to. He is about age 70. I assume that he and his wife have an arrangement since he was very open about his situation.
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Post by Handy on Nov 4, 2019 15:33:25 GMT -5
I have been taking a neighbor widow to the gym for the past 4 years and frequently do small jobs for another long time couple where the H also died. To me it is the common sense thing to do. It helps them and me. Having outside friends is important to me. My W doesn't like it sometimes but she won't go anywhere with me so I do things on my own and that might involve having someone ride shot-gun when I do some things. One widow doesn't drive so she appreciates riding along when I go to the gym or store.
There isn't any hanky-panky going on but the company sometimes brightens my day.
I also talk with strangers if that presents it self.
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Post by saarinista on Nov 4, 2019 20:59:14 GMT -5
vesb68 I have just one piece of advice; please don't feel guilty for feeling a desire to have sex. For most of us it's a normal want or need. You're in a horribly difficult situation like most of us and there's no reason and nothing to be gained by guilting yourself for having normal feelings. You already have to cope with your husband's illness and the physical and psychological pain of not having a sex life. Be kind to yourself.
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