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Post by RealMustangGuy on Oct 23, 2019 12:01:41 GMT -5
Like many of you, I came from EP, which really saved me when I found the Sexless Marriage groups there. Without finding that and most importantly learning that I was not alone in dealing with a Sexless Marriage, I don't know how I would have made it. I joined here right after it was formed but had trouble figuring out how things work here. So I didn't do much and then stopped coming altogether. Recently, however, my depression over my Sexless Marriage hit me hard again and I came back and hope to become a better member here.
In my thread I'd like to talk about circumstances where leaving would be pretty awful to the refuser. My wife is seriously ill, and is declining health with a very certain outcome. I'll be free of my Sexless Marriage then, but there is no way to know whether that will be next month or five or more years from now. And I've been here in this spot for a long time now. The Sexless Marriage became a problem before the health decline. I should have left then, but I didn't know about Sexless Marriage and didn't know what to do. By the time I found EP and the Sexless Marriage groups there, the health decline of my wife had already begun. I am her sole caregiver. She cannot live on her own and cannot do most daily tasks by herself anymore. She can't drive anymore. She can't go to doctors by herself anymore. She can't cook anymore. So my leaving is not an option, as I could never be that horrible to anyone let alone the woman I married all those years ago.
Many of you would suggest finding an alternative such as sex outside of my marriage. I'm not that way by nature, but I'll admit I am only human and if an opportunity came along I am pretty sure I'd succumb to it. The pain and hunger is just too strong. I'm sure it wouldn't go well for the lady though as it's just been too long for me now. But there are no opportunities for that to happen and no way for me to go there so that alternative won't happen for me. I can't leave my wife alone and even going out to briefly buy groceries is difficult and hard on her.
I should have left long ago, but didn't. Now I'm stuck and waiting out my time, but I fear at my age by the time my chance for sex again comes I'll be too old. Too old to do it, and too old to find a lady who would welcome my advances. Sorry to sound so down. Normally I deal with my acceptance much better but lately I've been in that very dark place and so just wanted to try this post. Thank you all for listening.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2019 12:25:41 GMT -5
I feel for you and understand. I think where many of us "stayers" are is that no matter how much acceptance you have, there remains a tiny glimmer of hope. The hope that it could be better, even if only briefly. The "it" changes over the years too. I used to want a more passionate and active sex life, then I just wanted an occasionally enthusiastic partner, then a somewhat willing partner, etc. Eventually that kernel of hope becomes very small small and almost unidentifiable. Your last kernel for that part of your life is gone and it's also tangled up in grief and being a primary caregiver.
Staying is the right thing to do and it sucks. All I can do is validate your feelings but I'll give it some more thought.
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Post by baza on Oct 23, 2019 17:55:12 GMT -5
The main thing I got out of your story Brother RealMustangGuy , is the warning to the wider readership about getting out of an ILIASM shithole whilst the difficulties in so doing are 'manageable'. Because sooner or later, events will emerge that make getting out unmanageable .... quite likely health issues, your spouses' or yours. That doesn't help you and your unique situation of course .... but I would suggest Brother obobfla as someone you might shoot a pm to, as he has been through what you are currently going through.
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Post by obobfla on Oct 23, 2019 22:02:52 GMT -5
As baza mentioned, I already went through what you are going through. I was in a sexless marriage but stayed in it for a number of reasons. The biggest reason fo staying was my wife was mentally ill to the point she was disabled. Had we divorced, one of us would have been destitute. I outsourced every now and then. Eventually, my wife’s physical health deteriorated as well - first breast cancer, then heart problems, and finally sepsis. After nine months of visiting her in hospitals and riding the roller coaster of “will she make or not?” my wife succumbed and died. Í’ve been widowed for almost two years. Yes, I have more sex now than when I was married. But I would give anything to have her alive and be divorced. She was the mother of my son. I miss her friendship. I miss having that parenting partner. I’m a single parent now, so all the responsibility is on me. I’ve gone through an emotional blender. Even now, I deal with the empty space that she left behind. It’s not easy. I imagine that the divorce ship has sailed without you by now, RealMustangGuy. I would imagine that she will need your health insurance. But you will need to take care of you. Every touch, hug, and kiss will be like that first sip of water after a walk in the desert. I not only recommend outsourcing, I would gladly introduce you to prospective partners if I knew of any. Be discreet, but try not to worry about what other people think. If you experience half of what I experienced, your already stressful life is going to get even more stressful. Getting laid is wonderful medicine. A lady I recently met who was also widowed like me said she was into polyamory. One of her lovers is a man whose wife is seriously ill. I told her that having sex with that man qualified her for sainthood. Hopefully, you will find such a saint.
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visexual
New Member
Married 47+ years to a good gal. On our 40th anniversary we had intercourse for the last time.
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Age Range: 70+
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Post by visexual on Oct 24, 2019 3:23:10 GMT -5
I totally agree about the fact that it's been so long, that if the opportunity presented itself to me, it probably wouldn't be good for the partner. And I always prided myself in being a good lover. I think that's a big factor in my not seeking outside relief. And it's also something that would probably prevent me from even considering another relationship if this one were to end.
And, strangely, I've never lacked confidence in anything until now. A spouse, and really best friend, who denies us a natural desire, does more to harm us than they could possibly know or understand.
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Post by RealMustangGuy on Oct 24, 2019 8:44:59 GMT -5
Thank you all for replying to my post. I don't believe I can reply individually (I'm still struggling to learn how this site works) but I do appreciate your thoughts. Tooyoungtobeold, that hope you mentioned is about all I have to keep me going. But with every passing year that it is harder to hold on to that hope. But still I try for I have nothing else to do.
Baza, I'm not really advising others to leave as that is an individual decision and each of us has different issues. But I do agree that one does need to seriously consider the emotional damage that staying does cause.
Obobfla, what you say means a lot as you are in my age group. You and what you have now gives reinforcement to the hope I talked about and mentioned in my reply here to tooyoungtobeold. I would have not the faintest clue, or ability, to outsource. I have no possible opportunity to meet anyone due to my own circumstances and the very rural place where I live. Any human contact other than my wife is very few and far between, let alone any way to have an outsource encounter. My circumstances leave me no other choice but to wait it out and hold on to my hope. Once enough time passes and my hope fades, I know I'll be forever lost.
Visexual, absolutely. The harm they do is immeasurable and the damage beyond understanding by those not in our situations.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 24, 2019 9:50:29 GMT -5
I am her sole caregiver. She cannot live on her own and cannot do most daily tasks by herself anymore. She can't drive anymore. She can't go to doctors by herself anymore. She can't cook anymore. So my leaving is not an option, as I could never be that horrible to anyone let alone the woman I married all those years ago.
I think you should get some in home care to help. Sounds like you need it. Some times its just too much to do alone.
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Post by RealMustangGuy on Oct 24, 2019 11:48:59 GMT -5
ScottDinTN, thanks for your reply and input. My wife and I have discussed it but she is adamant that she doesn't want that. I know at some point we may have no choice, but right now it hasn't come quite to that yet. But wow is it hard on me. So I'm facing not just the Sexless Marriage issue, but the caregiver role as well and all that entails. To be honest though, the Sexless Marriage issue is by far the worst and the most damaging to me I think.
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Post by mescaline on Oct 24, 2019 15:11:17 GMT -5
I feel your pain Mustang,I'm at the start of this journey, my wife has just been diagnosed with an autoimmune condition. She is likely to have many years of life left, but is also likely to require more and more intensive careing.
I'm stuck like you, and it's not good. Any plans for leaving when the kids were older are shot, and I have an expanse of life ahead of me that is going to be cold and lonely.
It regularly takes me to dark places mentally, but the kids and guilt stop me being silly.
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Post by obobfla on Oct 24, 2019 20:09:34 GMT -5
I think this thread gives me the chance to remind everyone to have those difficult discussions now when both you and your spouse are of somewhat sound mind and body. It’s not about sex but death itself. Talk burial arrangements. Where do you want your remains to go? If it’s somewhere other than where you live, consider cremation. Shipping a full-sized body in a casket can be expensive. I had my wife cremated so I can bring her ashes to her father’s grave in Massachusetts.
What life insurance policies do you have? What about emergency funds? What are the bereavement policies where you work? Death is as expensive as divorce, sometimes even more so. Notice that most insurance companies don’t offer marriage insurance policies like they do life insurance. My wife had no life insurance, and I am still climbing out of that financial hole.
I cannot recommend hospice care enough. In the U.S., where health care help from the government lags behind almost every other developed country, hospice care is paid for by the federal government. All you need to do to qualify for care is have a doctor say the patient has an illness that could result in death in the next six months. Often, hospice care extends life so the six months can become two or more years. Getting hospice care is not admitting defeat. It’s realizing that the inevitable is going to happen soon.
I was in the process of putting my wife into a hospice when she died. Both my parents had hospice care and were able to spend their last moments in their own bed with family around. They received home health care until they passed. When that happened, we just had to call the hospice, who called the funeral home and took care of leftover medications.
Hospices also provide grief counseling, but I had an issue with the grief counselor the hospice provided. I did find a good grief support group at a local church, and I’m really not the church-going type. But churches deal with sickness and death all the time. They are excellent resources for support when a family member is dying.
My wife’s death was a traumatic experience. There is no way I could have emotionally prepared for it. Since her death, I’ve noticed that I am more emotional. I rarely cried before her illness. Now I cry at the drop of a hat. I wasn’t in any shape to make major decisions when she died, so I’m glad I had most made beforehand.
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Post by baza on Oct 24, 2019 22:11:25 GMT -5
There's another big lesson in the posts on this thread.
That is that you marriage IS going to end .... absolutely guaranteed .... whether it is "made in heaven" or an ILIASM shithole.
Divorce or death (yours, or your spouses') see to that.
So as a responsible adult, it is on YOU to have some sort of plan to cover this certainty of death or divorce ending the marriage and to mitigate the severity of the turmoil such an event causes.
Of course if it's you who cashes in your chips first, forget all the above, it'll be someone elses problem.
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Post by RealMustangGuy on Oct 25, 2019 12:21:33 GMT -5
obobfla and baza, thanks for your additional replies. obobfla, I guess life has a way of giving and taking. While I sure lost out big time on a life filled with intimacy and great sex, I did very well on the financial side. So no worries about the financial cost of anything. But yes there will be emotional cost, that is guaranteed. In a way, with my wife's slow but steady decline, I've been grieving for years now. Grieving about the loss of my spouse and about the loss of the life of doing fun things together (fun things but definitely no sex). Now there is no fun, only endless caregiving. But still I know the end will be emotionally painful.
baza, I agree, and we have already gotten most things in order. There will still be emotional turmoil, but there won't be a divorce. I will have to wait out the end and in the mean time do all I can to care for her and make her remaining life as comfortable as possible. But in doing so, I just prolong and extend my own sexless agony. That is my burden and my acceptance, although it sure is hard.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 26, 2019 5:58:50 GMT -5
Real mustangguy said his wife is “adamant” that she doesn’t want at home care.
Your health, lifestyle and happiness also are affected by being her caregiver. Being a caregiver is stressful, exhausting and can impair your health. Your wife should not have veto power over your getting some support. While she is the ill one, her illness greatly affects you.
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Post by baza on Oct 26, 2019 19:01:18 GMT -5
I think Sister northstarmom raises a very valid point. If Brother RealMustangGuy is to take on the role of primary carer then he is taking on a real big task - physically and emotionally. And, I'd imagine, he'd want to do as good a job in this role as he can. But, in these situations "who cares for the carer ?" It is very easy for the carer to run themselves into the ground, which is no good for anyone - either the 'cared for' or the carer. A suggestion would be outsourcing. Outsourcing some of the "care" components to outside agencies so Brother RealMustangGuy is not the go to person 24/7. Being the go to person 75% of the time would be challenging enough, 24/7 practically impossible without the quality of care starting to suffer. In the midst of all this turmoil, the interests of RealMustangGuy have to be given a high priority too. If you run yourself into the ground and have some form of physical/mental collapse from the pressure, what good does that do your missus ? And, on the same theme - what if Brother RealMustangGuy were to go under a bus before his time ?
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Post by Handy on Oct 26, 2019 22:35:43 GMT -5
I have a male relative that needed 24 hr supervision. His W was doing it all at first then it became too much so she got help 2 hrs a day 2 or 3 times a week. That went on for a couple of years until he needed to be supervised more than could be provided at home. Night time was almost impossible for the wife.
The W opted for full-time residential care for him but she used to visit with him 4 to 6 hours a day everyday at first, then it was 4 hours a day. Now it is 2 hrs a day and she takes a couple of days off during the week.
Care givers have mental and physical limits.
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