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Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 10, 2019 18:18:40 GMT -5
For a long time, I thought I must not be a good lover if my wife didn't want sex. I bought books and learned every technique I could to pleasure her sexually. She seemed to enjoy it but it made no impact on her desire for sex. So, I tried buying toys that may add to her pleasure and try to spice things up. This seem to help some, in the moment, but still made no impact on her sex drive.
Eventually I figured out it is just her and I can't change her. I also did not want her getting sexual gratification from toys I have bought to use on her if she wouldn't let me be the one to use them on her. So, over time I've tossed them out when I noticed it wasn't making a difference. She never seemed to miss them.
So, have you ever done the same? Maybe tried to put parental controls on the internet at your home so they can't watch porn? Tried other things to make sure there were no other sexual outlets except you to see if it made a difference? If so, how did they react? Did it help or make a difference?
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Post by baza on Oct 10, 2019 18:52:35 GMT -5
I've "done the same" in so far as having "bought books and learned every technique I could to pleasure her sexually" Brother ScottDinTN . In fact I would regard myself as being in the most theoretically best prepared and knowledgeable lovers going around .... in theory. But in my ILIASM deal that - for the most part - was pretty useless information. There was scant opportunity to apply the theory. After my ILIASM deal had petered out and I found myself in a new deal with the alluring Ms enna, all that theory paid off - in spades. As far as having "tried other things to make sure there were no other sexual outlets except you" - nup. I never tried that. I'm none too sure that one can cover all those bases, and even less convinced that if you could cover all those bases that it would make a blind bit of difference.
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Post by Handy on Oct 10, 2019 21:08:41 GMT -5
I bought my W a few toys and was excluded from any usage. One toy had batteries and after 9 months of me thinking it was never used. I removed the batteries because corroded batteries are common in unused items. I think that toy sat in her dresser for 3 years and one day when she was pissed at me she wanted me to install batteries just for revenge.
I would never purposely get rid of her toys for revenge. It isn't worth it, especially because I don't care one way or the other. I don't do pay-back or revenge. Dropping the rope works best for me.
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Post by lessingham on Oct 11, 2019 3:18:36 GMT -5
Been there, done that, got the corroded batteries. She also like massages, apparently, so I also bought massaging pads, hot stone kits, and pillows. I think that when cornered she will say anything but the truth about what will help.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 11, 2019 6:12:56 GMT -5
I did not throw away the toys I bought. I got a bag to put them in. And, when my wife would give me the cold shoulder, I would go toy shopping.
Yes, the first toys I bought, I bought with her enjoyment in mind. My later toys, I bought with the expectation that sooner or later I would find another woman that could appreciate me.
Don't give up the dream.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 11, 2019 6:58:48 GMT -5
Since it was my money and it was me that purchased the toys I would not throw them away. When my X moved out she left the toys behind. I have made pretty good use of them since. Often women do not want anything around that reminds of the previous female owner. Toys seem to be an exception to that.
Guys, if/when you divorce the odds are excellent that a new woman will be in your bed. Keep those toys within reach. They may come in handy.
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 11, 2019 9:49:08 GMT -5
Yes, absolutely. I went into pyschological forensic detail in trying to decipher and enquire, across years, about what rare fantasy or fetish my wife must have had. I researched the hell out of all of them to understand both the motive and practical techniques. Built a small library and made connections "in the field" with people skilled in them. I casually and directly let her know, that I was pretty much open to anything short of permanently harmful, if it's what she needed or wanted to try. I bought several kinds of "marital aids" to add some spice. On the rare occasions in which we had a bit of sexy time, I was always able to bring her physical pleasure with relative ease, when I also knew that she physically found it difficult.
What I discovered was that all of it was beside the point because no matter how skilled or educated I became, I was not a person who my wife viewed as a sexual partner. It didn't matter what my kit was, or my particular set of skills - the problem she had was with ME, as a person, or with the circumstance of being married when she didn't want to be. I'm not sure how much of each - but it lands at the same place.
On the other hand, everything I learned there was very helpful in my dating life.
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Post by saarinista on Oct 11, 2019 18:25:17 GMT -5
Since it was my money and it was me that purchased the toys I would not throw them away. When my X moved out she left the toys behind. I have made pretty good use of them since. Often women do not want anything around that reminds of the previous female owner. Toys seem to be an exception to that. Guys, if/when you divorce the odds are excellent that a new woman will be in your bed. Keep those toys within reach. They may come in handy. I recommend a slider top ziploc bag. Handy and sanitary! 😉😁
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 11, 2019 20:19:48 GMT -5
Since it was my money and it was me that purchased the toys I would not throw them away. When my X moved out she left the toys behind. I have made pretty good use of them since. Often women do not want anything around that reminds of the previous female owner. Toys seem to be an exception to that. Guys, if/when you divorce the odds are excellent that a new woman will be in your bed. Keep those toys within reach. They may come in handy. I recommend a slider top ziploc bag. Handy and sanitary! 😉😁 I have a large bag for multi tipped toys and a smaller bag for lubes and liquids. And a bag for the tiny batteries.
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Post by Handy on Oct 11, 2019 20:24:42 GMT -5
Worksforme2 Often women do not want anything around that reminds of the previous female owner. Toys seem to be an exception to that.
I am surprised any woman would go for anything that touched another woman.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 11, 2019 20:37:43 GMT -5
Worksforme2 Often women do not want anything around that reminds of the previous female owner. Toys seem to be an exception to that.I am surprised any woman would go for anything that touched another woman. Life is full of surprises. Thus far I have not had a single objection to the repurposing (current partner vs. former w) of the toys. I make sure they are clean and well maintained for extended service, should that be required. Other things one woman will accept after having touched another woman. …..Jewelry, precious stones, money and other financial instruments, automobiles, furs.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 11, 2019 21:02:27 GMT -5
Funny how we think about things. Most women I know wouldn't want a toy in them that had been in another woman. Yet, our cocks seem to be ok. If cleaned properly of course. :-)
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Post by saarinista on Oct 11, 2019 21:42:06 GMT -5
1. Bleach and steam kill all germs.
2. Neither should be used and any body part.
3. Ziploc bags are great for storing and organizing EVERYTHING, not just sex toys and batteries.
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Post by choosinghappy on Oct 12, 2019 6:18:11 GMT -5
My Ex was so sex-averse I wouldn’t have even been able to broach the topic of sex toys with him. I bought some for MYSELF over the years with our joint credit card and never once did he mention a word about the charges. He had no interest in knowing, or ever using them with me.
Even with lingerie - he had no interest even if I was wearing it while climbing into bed with him.
When I saw the subject of this post I thought it meant: “do you hide your own sex toys from your spouse” and I was prepared to answer “no”. By the last couple years when I felt the urge, I just told him “I’m going upstairs for a while” (to use my toys), and he knew that meant I was taking care of myself. He never asked, never joined me, just stayed downstairs until I was done and didn’t mention anything about it afterwards.
What a sorry excuse for a sexual relationship.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 12, 2019 9:03:12 GMT -5
The short answer is, no, there weren't any to hide. My ex was a master at squashing ANY ideas about sexual positions, oral, outdoors, vibrators, etc...
Had I even mentioned such things, I would have been shamed for even knowing about them. Never mind supporting such an 'industry' by purchasing any. Back in the day, that meant going to 'the store' in town that good Christian men didn't know about.
During some period in time we purchased a little heating, vibrating, massager. Low settings , all meant for using on 'her' back. And that was all it was ever used for.
The only 'sexual aid' was a container of hand/body lotion. She was ALWAYS picking her fingers until her cuticles where bloody. You can imagine how bad her hands felt on my body.
I used the body lotion, daily for masturbation, my hands, and her backside. It stayed out, visible, on my side of the bed, all the time.
She 'once' had some lingerie, in the first year of the marriage. I told her I prefered her totally naked. I guess I was 'ready to go' and she wasn't. She gained weight quickly during the marriage and lingerie was never mentioned, or worn, again. Instead , in our last 10-15 yrs she ended up sleeping fully dressed.
Now that I am in opposite land, things are, well....completely opposite!
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