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Post by baza on Nov 12, 2019 17:43:05 GMT -5
At a moment in time - lets say 9 am on 13th November 2019 - your financial situation is X. Nominally, your right whack of X is half or "H".
It doesn't follow that your financial situation is always going to remain as H.
In 5 years time on 13th November 2024 your financial position is going to be H - plus or minus the financial choices you started making (or not making) - back on 13th November 2019. Same as the financial choices you've made since 13th November 2014 have produced where you are financially now, 5 years down the track.
In my jurisdiction there's a young bloke by the name of Scott Pape, otherwise known as The Barefoot Investor. He writes a newspaper column, has a blog, farcebook page etc and has published several books pertaining to the management of your personal finances. He's a goldmine of useful and simple strategies to get your finances under control.
If you are of a mind to do something about your financial situation, are prepared to invest a bit of time, are prepared to wear a bit of short term pain as you institute and carry out a financial recovery strategy, then you could do worse than have a read of his stuff, maybe even buy one of his books.
Your financial position could be looking a whole lot prettier by 13th November 2024, depending upon what you are prepared to do, starting now.
A bit like an ILIASM scenario. The choices you make (or don't make) starting today 13th November 2019, are pretty much going to determine where you are on 13th November 2024.
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Post by Caris on Nov 12, 2019 18:09:33 GMT -5
michael thank you for your honesty. I too am mindful of the unknown and acknowledge that I may be alone now forever. However, I swapped a certainty of loneliness within my M for the possibility of loneliness outside of it. I am puzzled though why you think dating is easier for women? Have you been on a dating site? I hear girls get lots of attention from men. Men do not get the same attention. Have you ever been to a bar? I’m sorry but I just don’t understand why you would ask that. Everyone knows that. Michael, if it helps you feel better, I once received notice from the admin of a dating site, telling me that my chances of finding a date in the U.S. were remote, and I’d be better off looking in Thailand. In 4.5-years, I still haven’t dated anyone, so it’s not just men. I was very scared of being alone. The thought that I may grow old alone terrified me, and yet here I am doing just that. It’s not my desired outcome because who wants to live without love, companionship, affection, and touch? Not me, but it is what it is, and for the most part, I manage it very well.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 13, 2019 3:35:20 GMT -5
Have you been on a dating site? I hear girls get lots of attention from men. Men do not get the same attention. Have you ever been to a bar? I’m sorry but I just don’t understand why you would ask that. Everyone knows that. Michael, if it helps you feel better, I once received notice from the admin of a dating site, telling me that my chances of finding a date in the U.S. were remote, and I’d be better off looking in Thailand. In 4.5-years, I still haven’t dated anyone, so it’s not just men. I was very scared of being alone. The thought that I may grow old alone terrified me, and yet here I am doing just that. It’s not my desired outcome because who wants to live without love, companionship, affection, and touch? Not me, but it is what it is, and for the most part, I manage it very well. If you look for ideal solutions, you won't find solutions. But, there are options, and you can weigh them and choose carefully, improving your lot. I am not finding perfect solutions. I'm about to make another career jump and a move to a new city in search of being closer to idgaf96. The stress of moving sucks. Leaving a known great job for even an expected great job sucks. The stress of not chasing my happiness sucks worse, so off I go. My advice is, don't stop living. Follow your bliss.
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Post by michael on Nov 13, 2019 4:26:22 GMT -5
Have you been on a dating site? I hear girls get lots of attention from men. Men do not get the same attention. Have you ever been to a bar? I’m sorry but I just don’t understand why you would ask that. Everyone knows that. Michael, if it helps you feel better, I once received notice from the admin of a dating site, telling me that my chances of finding a date in the U.S. were remote, and I’d be better off looking in Thailand. In 4.5-years, I still haven’t dated anyone, so it’s not just men. I was very scared of being alone. The thought that I may grow old alone terrified me, and yet here I am doing just that. It’s not my desired outcome because who wants to live without love, companionship, affection, and touch? Not me, but it is what it is, and for the most part, I manage it very well. It could be worse. You could live with my wife who won’t even clean up after herself. I will clean something, the next day it will look the same as before I cleaned it. Look in her closet. It is a big pile. She won’t hang anything up. It is so frustrating. I pay for kids activities. She can’t be bothered to take them. It has to be me all the time. And if I have to go to work, then the kids don’t go. She is too busy with her phone. On top of all this, I’ve slept on the couch for nine years now. She even told me that this is all normal when I told her that none of it is.
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Post by Caris on Nov 13, 2019 5:10:52 GMT -5
Michael, if it helps you feel better, I once received notice from the admin of a dating site, telling me that my chances of finding a date in the U.S. were remote, and I’d be better off looking in Thailand. In 4.5-years, I still haven’t dated anyone, so it’s not just men. I was very scared of being alone. The thought that I may grow old alone terrified me, and yet here I am doing just that. It’s not my desired outcome because who wants to live without love, companionship, affection, and touch? Not me, but it is what it is, and for the most part, I manage it very well. It could be worse. You could live with my wife who won’t even clean up after herself. I will clean something, the next day it will look the same as before I cleaned it. Look in her closet. It is a big pile. She won’t hang anything up. It is so frustrating. I pay for kids activities. She can’t be bothered to take them. It has to be me all the time. And if I have to go to work, then the kids don’t go. She is too busy with her phone. On top of all this, I’ve slept on the couch for nine years now. She even told me that this is all normal when I told her that none of it is. Well now you are talking about something completely different. I was responding to dating (or lack thereof) experiences for women as well as men. As to your new topic: Well, it’s awful how you live, and I feel for you. Nine-years on the couch? You must be so sleep deprived. I don’t know your back story, and whether you plan on leaving or staying, but I empathize because I went through it for 25-years. It’s not a life conducive to health and happiness.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 13, 2019 6:19:14 GMT -5
michael, everyone has a purpose in life, and I know what purpose your wife serves. I thought mine was a bad housekeeper, but she did hang up what clothing made it out of the laundry room, unless it was in stacks of storage tubs. My wife also ferried the kids around, as I was working too hard trying to keep up with her spending. Nine years on the couch is a long time. I had a foam pad and blankets in my workshop in the garage for my final five years. Good luck to you, whatever your plans might be.
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Post by michael on Nov 13, 2019 8:14:43 GMT -5
michael , everyone has a purpose in life, and I know what purpose your wife serves. I thought mine was a bad housekeeper, but she did hang up what clothing made it out of the laundry room, unless it was in stacks of storage tubs. My wife also ferried the kids around, as I was working too hard trying to keep up with her spending. Nine years on the couch is a long time. I had a foam pad and blankets in my workshop in the garage for my final five years. Good luck to you, whatever your plans might be. Thanks. This might sound bad but, since I work at night I only need to sleep on the couch on weekends, so right now I’m looking for a girlfriend so I have somewhere else to stay on the weekend nights. I’ve tried, but my wife is not going to change. I’m hoping I’ll be a lot happier with a girlfriend and it might even help my relationship with my so called wife. It couldn’t get worse. No relationship would be better.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 13, 2019 8:33:29 GMT -5
Shamwow Love of what, exactly? It doesn't seem like love of a person, but love of stuff. Shamwow, what I had in mind was people that had to scrape the bottom of the barrel to live separate. I was thinking about a man and a woman barely getting by on their own VS living somewhat comfortably together and mostly ignoring each other. It isn't really about the stuff being that important but deciding to live a life of just getting by and supporting 2 households. This is sort of what I have. My W seems to be concerned that I stay healthy but not so much about my emotional satisfaction. We are also on different lifestyle paths. Yeah, I'm one of those bottom of the barrel types. It's not about the stuff, the luxuries, the expensive things. It's about having enough just to survive with a roof over my head, a reliable car to get to work (no public transportation here), be able to cover the bills, have enough extra in the budget for emergencies, and then have to pay spousal support on top of that. If you're already just barely getting by, staying may be a necessity for some people, or at least delaying a split for a while. Anyone can say that emotional health is more important than "stuff", but what if that "stuff" is having a home at all. I guess it matters what you define as bottom of the barrel. I'm assuming that you mean financially. And it's true. Divorce can spell financial ruin for some and years of digging out for others. But there is another kind of barrel. In my case, my SM pushed me over the edge of alcoholism and I was seriously considering suicide (in a way that would look accidental enough for my life insurance to pay off). My barrel was just a bit deeper and darker than some. From that perspective, "stuff" had a very low appeal. Even financial ruin would be preferable to the alternative.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 13, 2019 8:39:16 GMT -5
Michael, if it helps you feel better, I once received notice from the admin of a dating site, telling me that my chances of finding a date in the U.S. were remote, and I’d be better off looking in Thailand. In 4.5-years, I still haven’t dated anyone, so it’s not just men. I was very scared of being alone. The thought that I may grow old alone terrified me, and yet here I am doing just that. It’s not my desired outcome because who wants to live without love, companionship, affection, and touch? Not me, but it is what it is, and for the most part, I manage it very well. It could be worse. You could live with my wife who won’t even clean up after herself. I will clean something, the next day it will look the same as before I cleaned it. Look in her closet. It is a big pile. She won’t hang anything up. It is so frustrating. I pay for kids activities. She can’t be bothered to take them. It has to be me all the time. And if I have to go to work, then the kids don’t go. She is too busy with her phone. On top of all this, I’ve slept on the couch for nine years now. She even told me that this is all normal when I told her that none of it is. Ouch, that caused a flashback. On multiple occasions my son and I had to go through the house and kill the hundreds of flies that sprouted up under her watch. My ex at least had the decency to fake a medical condition to prevent sex. Yours just gives you a big fuck you. I think your situation is worse. Good luck, brother...
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Post by Handy on Nov 13, 2019 11:13:58 GMT -5
Caris Michael, if it helps you feel better, I once received notice from the admin of a dating site, telling me that my chances of finding a date in the U.S. were remote, and I’d be better off looking in Thailand.
That (Thailand suggestion) sounds like really bad advice.
So, what is so negative about you that an administrator would send you a notice like that?
Some things I find that takes points off a persons date-ability are excessive weight or problematic medical/psychological conditions.
Maybe the ILIASM forum needs a thread titled "What Are My Negative Traits That Might Hinder a Good Relationship."
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Post by michael on Nov 13, 2019 11:20:15 GMT -5
Caris Michael, if it helps you feel better, I once received notice from the admin of a dating site, telling me that my chances of finding a date in the U.S. were remote, and I’d be better off looking in Thailand. That (Thailand suggestion) sounds like really bad advice. So, what is so negative about you that an administrator would send you a notice like that? Some things I find that takes points off a persons date-ability are excessive weight or problematic medical/psychological conditions. Maybe the ILIASM forum needs a thread titled "What Are My Negative Traits That Might Hinder a Good Relationship." That sounds interesting. Negative traits might be hard to see in oneself though. Maybe that is something only others can see from the outside.
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Post by Handy on Nov 13, 2019 11:23:18 GMT -5
Shamwow But there is another kind of barrel. In my case, my SM pushed me over the edge of alcoholism and I was seriously considering suicide (in a way that would look accidental enough for my life insurance to pay off)
Yes, alcoholism and I was seriously considering suicide, would defiantly get me to exit the marriage.
I am happy that you decided to leave the marriage. You were and are way too valuable to have continued in the alcoholism and seriously considering suicide mode.
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Post by Caris on Nov 13, 2019 15:29:38 GMT -5
Caris Michael, if it helps you feel better, I once received notice from the admin of a dating site, telling me that my chances of finding a date in the U.S. were remote, and I’d be better off looking in Thailand. That (Thailand suggestion) sounds like really bad advice. So, what is so negative about you that an administrator would send you a notice like that? Some things I find that takes points off a persons date-ability are excessive weight or problematic medical/psychological conditions. Maybe the ILIASM forum needs a thread titled "What Are My Negative Traits That Might Hinder a Good Relationship." [br That you automatically go to my potential negative traits is not only unhelpful, but puts the blame on me for being alone. I don’t know why I was sent that message. Maybe because I said I was Buddhist, and I came across as having wholesome values, (not wanting to waste my time with shallow men and scammers). Maybe because I said I’m a conservative, and I live in an ultra Leftist city, where some men’s profiles said, don’t bother with me if you are on the Right. I’m saying that in a nicer way than what I read on some profiles. Maybe because I wanted to go out with a straight man, and wasn’t politically correct enough. Who knows? All I know is I only interacted with two men who had some depth to their characters, and shared my values, and we spoke for a few weeks by phone and email. I wanted to get to know them before we met, and they both lived hours away from me. I never met either because after a few weeks of getting to know them, one turned out to be a control freak trying to tell me how to live my life, and he sent text after text pestering the living daylights out of me with, “ you should do this, you should do that, and if you won’t do it, I’ll do it for you.” It was too much. The other one ended up being a bit too arrogant, although he was absolutely gorgeous physically, so I just stopped communicating with him. I closed my account a few weeks later, after not responding to any notifications. It wasn’t for me, so maybe after reading my “goody two shoes” profile and not responding to further shallow messages, the admin thought maybe I needed another Buddhist in Thailand. Probably being sarcastic. Before my SM, dating was easy. Men approached me for a date or my number. I refused most because I wasn’t attracted to them. I was very good looking back then. My long-term relationships just sort of happened. It’s 30-years later, and I’m old, and I’ve lost my looks, so maybe it’s that, plus my standard are even higher now, after going through 25-years of absolute emotional and mental cruelty. If that means I stay alone, then that’s how it is. I don’t like it. I miss being in a relationship a lot, but I’d rather grow old alone, and keep my self respect, and be true to myself, rather than be with someone just because I’m lonely.
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Post by Caris on Nov 13, 2019 15:45:43 GMT -5
You know, my only motivation here was just to help Michael feel better about himself by sharing my own experience with dating (or lack thereof in my case) after a SM. So for just wanting to help another person, I get “what negative traits I have that would hinder my lack of dating, with suggestions that it may be my weight, or mental state.” They say no good deed goes unpunished. I didn’t ask for a solution, or help, because I never stated a problem. I’ve accepted my lot, and I’ve worked very hard for the past 4.5 years to get where I am today. It is counter productive to wellbeing to start blaming someone who went through hell, and worked very hard to get themselves together, then just make negative statements about them. Not good at all, and not beneficial.
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Post by h on Nov 13, 2019 16:15:18 GMT -5
Yeah, I'm one of those bottom of the barrel types. It's not about the stuff, the luxuries, the expensive things. It's about having enough just to survive with a roof over my head, a reliable car to get to work (no public transportation here), be able to cover the bills, have enough extra in the budget for emergencies, and then have to pay spousal support on top of that. If you're already just barely getting by, staying may be a necessity for some people, or at least delaying a split for a while. Anyone can say that emotional health is more important than "stuff", but what if that "stuff" is having a home at all. I guess it matters what you define as bottom of the barrel. I'm assuming that you mean financially. And it's true. Divorce can spell financial ruin for some and years of digging out for others. But there is another kind of barrel. In my case, my SM pushed me over the edge of alcoholism and I was seriously considering suicide (in a way that would look accidental enough for my life insurance to pay off). My barrel was just a bit deeper and darker than some. From that perspective, "stuff" had a very low appeal. Even financial ruin would be preferable to the alternative. Yeah, I'm not that bad here. My thoughts of suicide passed many years ago and haven't been back. My alcohol use isn't nearly at the level to create problems in any other parts of my life. I have a medical condition that requires "as needed" medicine for unpredictable episodes. I have to cut all alcohol out entirely when I'm on it until treatment is finished which can vary in length. This makes it fairly easy to drop booze anytime I need to including times when I just can't afford to buy it because food, gas and bills take priority. I meant bottom of the barrel in a purely financial sense. Yes, my mental health has taken a hit, but I'm better prepared to handle it now than I was years ago. I've mostly gotten past taking this personally. Knowing that it's unfixable and not my fault, has taken most of the weight off my mind. Yes, it's depressing, but I know it's temporary and thus survivable. I don't have a firm timetable for when it will end, but I'm certain that it will and that gives me a small measure of peace.
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