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Post by time4intimacy on Oct 1, 2019 21:20:51 GMT -5
Hey all,
It has been a very long time since I have been on here. I decided to concentrate on my marriage and really try to get it working, including the sex. We have been getting along pretty well, but when it comes to sex, she says, why do I need to do that. It is not my responsibility to have sex and I don't feel like having sex so you just need to live with that. We went on vacation this week and I tried foolishly to initiate sex after a nice night out, she then told me we probably already had sex for the last time 3 months ago. You need to realize that and get used to it.
Well, that sucks to say the least. I am so pissed, not even upset, just pissed, that I think I am ready to find satisfaction elsewhere. I have tried and tried and tried and now I feel that I put in all the effort that I can. Financially we make an awesome team, we do business together and can have fun, but no way do I want to live the rest of my life sex free. If I get caught, she can divorce if she wants, but at age 44 I can't just concede and never have sex again. Am I alone here in this thought?
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Post by Handy on Oct 1, 2019 21:47:02 GMT -5
time4intimacy , you trying to convince your W to have sex with you is likely to put her in a position even more non-sexual so give it up for now. As for the affair or friend with benefits or even a hooker, first visit with a divorce lawyer in your community or area to find out what legal troubles that might cause, then decide if it is worth it. Sex with other people usually results in being found out and that often leads to a divorce with one side going in the scorched earth mode. Many people will probably just say be up front and tell your W you are going to have sex with someone and she is first on your list and if she still says no, then tell her it will be with someone else.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 1, 2019 21:48:34 GMT -5
Hey all, It has been a very long time since I have been on here. I decided to concentrate on my marriage and really try to get it working, including the sex. We have been getting along pretty well, but when it comes to sex, she says, why do I need to do that. It is not my responsibility to have sex and I don't feel like having sex so you just need to live with that. We went on vacation this week and I tried foolishly to initiate sex after a nice night out, she then told me we probably already had sex for the last time 3 months ago. You need to realize that and get used to it. Well, that sucks to say the least. I am so pissed, not even upset, just pissed, that I think I am ready to find satisfaction elsewhere. I have tried and tried and tried and now I feel that I put in all the effort that I can. Financially we make an awesome team, we do business together and can have fun, but no way do I want to live the rest of my life sex free. If I get caught, she can divorce if she wants, but at age 44 I can't just concede and never have sex again. Am I alone here in this thought? First of all, it actually IS her responsibility to have sex with you, or perhaps she wasn't paying close attention to her vows. If you decide to outsource and you get caught, why would she care if she doesn't see sex as her responsibility? Sounds like you make good roommates, and nothing more. I feel your pain.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 2, 2019 0:05:36 GMT -5
Time4intimacy: given what your wife has stated, why aren’t you planning to divorce her? She has promised to be basically s compatible roommate for the rest of your life. You lack the physical AND emotional intimacy that you expected in a marriage, your wife obviously does not care about your needs for those kinds of intimacy.
You are more fortunate than most here because your refusing spouse has been very direct that sex is completely off the table. You also are fortunate in that you are relatively young with presumably many years of life ahead of you.
It’s very likely that far more than sex is missing from your marriage. What’s keeping you in it and are those things worth it to you?
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Post by baza on Oct 2, 2019 0:16:58 GMT -5
Since you joined the group in June 2018, your missus' attitude has remained consistent over the same period Brother time4intimacy . Now you are considering the highly adventurous outsourcing route. This is a strategy that is inevitably a game changer, and the changes are largely unpredictable. Things sure can fly off at some weird tangents. The smart play here would be to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction so you'd know how a divorce would shake out for you. Also advisable is putting together an exit strategy within that legal framework. Shoring up your support network is another worthwhile thing to do, because if everything goes guts up, a bit of peer support is a good thing to have. A plan to help any minor children through such an event is another valuable thing to have. Essentially, whatever choice you end up making here (stay / cheat / leave) you need to own, and take responsibility for, so it's imperative that you make your choice on as fully informed a basis as you can. And to have a pretty good plan ready to enact should an extreme outcome (like a divorce) transpire. It reads like you plan to outsource, then "If (you) get caught, she can divorce if she wants". That's really not much of a plan Brother time4intimacy .
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Post by time4intimacy on Oct 2, 2019 7:59:55 GMT -5
First of all, it actually IS her responsibility to have sex with you, or perhaps she wasn't paying close attention to her vows. If you decide to outsource and you get caught, why would she care if she doesn't see sex as her responsibility? Sounds like you make good roommates, and nothing more. I feel your pain. You hit the nail on the head!
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Post by time4intimacy on Oct 2, 2019 8:03:22 GMT -5
Time4intimacy: given what your wife has stated, why aren’t you planning to divorce her? She has promised to be basically s compatible roommate for the rest of your life. You lack the physical AND emotional intimacy that you expected in a marriage, your wife obviously does not care about your needs for those kinds of intimacy. You are more fortunate than most here because your refusing spouse has been very direct that sex is completely off the table. You also are fortunate in that you are relatively young with presumably many years of life ahead of you. It’s very likely that far more than sex is missing from your marriage. What’s keeping you in it and are those things worth it to you? northstarmom, I am not sure what is keeping me for sure. Maybe the embarrassment of another divorce, the thought of unwinding our finances that we have built up over the last several years, which includes 5 rental properties. Letting go of any chance of things changing, because early on it was so good. I think I need to really think it over what is keeping me.
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Post by time4intimacy on Oct 2, 2019 8:06:38 GMT -5
Since you joined the group in June 2018, your missus' attitude has remained consistent over the same period Brother time4intimacy . Now you are considering the highly adventurous outsourcing route. This is a strategy that is inevitably a game changer, and the changes are largely unpredictable. Things sure can fly off at some weird tangents. The smart play here would be to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction so you'd know how a divorce would shake out for you. Also advisable is putting together an exit strategy within that legal framework. Shoring up your support network is another worthwhile thing to do, because if everything goes guts up, a bit of peer support is a good thing to have. A plan to help any minor children through such an event is another valuable thing to have. Essentially, whatever choice you end up making here (stay / cheat / leave) you need to own, and take responsibility for, so it's imperative that you make your choice on as fully informed a basis as you can. And to have a pretty good plan ready to enact should an extreme outcome (like a divorce) transpire. It reads like you plan to outsource, then "If (you) get caught, she can divorce if she wants". That's really not much of a plan Brother time4intimacy . I agree it is not much of a plan. I have already consulted an attorney, I have calculated what it would take for divorce, completed a budget of my finances and determined how it would affect my retirement as well. I do have 2 minor kids to worry about, but they are not biologically her kids.
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Post by saarinista on Oct 2, 2019 9:18:13 GMT -5
I'd dump her. you're youngish. marriage with no sex at age 44 is not a marriage. that's crazy. be business partners and friends.
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 2, 2019 14:58:27 GMT -5
I decided to concentrate on my marriage and really try to get it working, including the sex. We have been getting along pretty well, but when it comes to sex, she says, why do I need to do that. It is not my responsibility to have sex and I don't feel like having sex so you just need to live with that. We went on vacation this week and I tried foolishly to initiate sex after a nice night out, she then told me we probably already had sex for the last time 3 months ago. You need to realize that and get used to it. Well, that sucks to say the least. I am so pissed, not even upset, just pissed, that I think I am ready to find satisfaction elsewhere. I have tried and tried and tried and now I feel that I put in all the effort that I can. Financially we make an awesome team, we do business together and can have fun, but no way do I want to live the rest of my life sex free. If I get caught, she can divorce if she wants, but at age 44 I can't just concede and never have sex again. Am I alone here in this thought? It could help to re-frame the way you each conceive of this. It's true - it's not her responsibility to have sex. Having sex with someone you don't want to have sex with is not likely to result in wanting more sex with you. It's more likely to result in intense resentment and a feeling of victimization on her part. The sex you DO have will be used by her to make it clear that she does not want to have it with you, and to reinforce to herself how much she doesn't want it. So, she's clearly - through action and word - stated her preference and intention - and her aversion to you as a sexual partner. Hear her. On the other hand, you don't "have to get used to it." Your "getting used to it" is based on the assumption that you will not consider the other options you have - such as leaving a household partner who does not find you to be a viable sexual partner for whatever reasons she has. Likewise - and this is one that some of us find out the hard way IN our celibate partnership, and more of us find out after we leave it - SHE is ALSO in a non-satisfying sexual relationship, and is ALSO choosing marriage, presumably rather than choosing alternative options to suit her sexual preferences which are presently not fulfilled. In her mind, she's the hero in choosing marriage to you over a sexual relationship. In your mind, you're the hero in choosing marriage to her over a sexual relationship. If you both consider marriage to include a sexual relationship (in addition to other things), and you both see yourselves as heroes or martyrs to preserve ... what exactly are you preserving? Is it a marriage? I've had some experience in dealing with the consequences of various non-monogamous alternatives, in my own life and as a third party in several others, post-separation. I've discovered that my celibate wife had an affair. And I've also had a period of consensual non-monogamy. As a single man, I've dated a married woman, many separated or divorced women (who also went through a period in which they or their husbands were celibate), and considered a role in an external "consensual non-monogamy" situation or two. In all of these cases, sex came into our lives in one way or another, but the central problems of of the relationship remained unsolved and eventually the bill came due. That problem is, "How do you live with a person who doesn't love you as a spouse?" Even if you go to the considerable trouble and risk of bringing in a third party (or tolerate the risk of your wife doing so), to have love or at least a sexual relationship in your life - it doesn't mitigate the heartbreak and insult of unrequited love that sits at the core of where you live. It's a constant reminder that you aren't good enough. My ex wife and I would probably be considered by others to be "an awesome team" at parenting, shared finances, and managing our household arrangements. Only now, it's done with fewer tears and insanity, but also, it lacks a dream of a future together. The plan is for divestment - mutual. If you and your spouse are already talking plainly about your intentions and you already have relatively good cooperation in other aspects of your household management - what exactly is marriage bringing to the table that an amicable separation couldn't? What differentiates your situation in practical terms from anyone else who is separated already, aside from the disappointment and hurt that arises from repetition of a mutually undesirable interaction?
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2019 15:28:34 GMT -5
"Husband declared no lawn mowing is most likely"
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Post by baza on Oct 2, 2019 19:56:12 GMT -5
Since you joined the group in June 2018, your missus' attitude has remained consistent over the same period Brother time4intimacy . Now you are considering the highly adventurous outsourcing route. This is a strategy that is inevitably a game changer, and the changes are largely unpredictable. Things sure can fly off at some weird tangents. The smart play here would be to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction so you'd know how a divorce would shake out for you. Also advisable is putting together an exit strategy within that legal framework. Shoring up your support network is another worthwhile thing to do, because if everything goes guts up, a bit of peer support is a good thing to have. A plan to help any minor children through such an event is another valuable thing to have. Essentially, whatever choice you end up making here (stay / cheat / leave) you need to own, and take responsibility for, so it's imperative that you make your choice on as fully informed a basis as you can. And to have a pretty good plan ready to enact should an extreme outcome (like a divorce) transpire. It reads like you plan to outsource, then "If (you) get caught, she can divorce if she wants". That's really not much of a plan Brother time4intimacy . I agree it is not much of a plan. I have already consulted an attorney, I have calculated what it would take for divorce, completed a budget of my finances and determined how it would affect my retirement as well. I do have 2 minor kids to worry about, but they are not biologically her kids. It actually looks like you are way more prepared than it initially looked Brother time4intimacy . So maybe now is a good time to think about whether you'd be best served by initiating a respectful parting of the ways (without outsourcing) or by outsourcing, getting caught and having your missus initiate a divorce. Is your reputation important to you ? Or would you be ok with getting labelled as the bad guy ?
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 2, 2019 22:35:20 GMT -5
Is your reputation important to you ? Or would you be ok with getting labelled as the bad guy ? A question worth considering. The third party (whoever your wife sleeps with, or the spouse of whoever you sleep with, or whoever you sleep with when you break up on bad terms...) often has their own agenda and isn't directly affected by the consequences they are willing to assign to you and your own household. As a practical example, when I found out that my wife was involved in an affair, I contacted her affair partner's wife, despite his efforts to mitigate my ability to do so. Having little faith that my wife would hold to her "no contact" agreement - I sought to even out the stakes for both families. I moved very quickly on it. So, it ended up much worse than it had to and was much more difficult, and in the end arrived at much the same place.
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Post by time4intimacy on Oct 2, 2019 22:56:35 GMT -5
You guys bring up a good point. I do consider my reputation. I have never cheated on anyone my entire life and starting now, instead of separating is most likely a mistake. My desire to just have sex and ignore the current situation of my relationship will not serve me well in the long run. Getting my mind set to unwind the brand new house, boat, investments, etc. is something I am not ready for today, but I think I need to get my mind going in that direction.
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Post by saarinista on Oct 3, 2019 0:48:12 GMT -5
Well, aren't I the fool. I (the wife) mow the lawn, help build the hubby's greenhouses (they fall down when he doesn't take my advice which is taken straight from the directions he won't read) pressure wash and stain decks, do laundry, demo floors, and for a while, even tried to jump his bones to get things restarted . All to no avail. And no, I'm not ugly. I guess. You start to wonder.
But I do think I'm a fool. At 59, having last had a sex life a decade ago, I'm certainly not ready to close up shop. In fact, I I feel like I have lost time to make up for. But guess what? Time goes by quickly, and the older we get, the harder it often is to find a partner.
At least you guys can credibly troll for younger women. But older women have a much less limited pool of interested men to choose from. We're generally viewed as less desirable the older we get.
If your wife has unilaterally shut down shop, assuming you had a normal marriage before, and she's unwilling to seek medical treatment or counseling, I would move on. You can still be business partners and parents and friends. But without sex, it's not much of a marriage if you ask me.
Life is just too short for this misery, people. IMHO.
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