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Post by workingonit on Aug 29, 2019 21:59:52 GMT -5
I know there are other threads like this but I am too tired to find them.
Today is a terrible milestone for me. Today, Aug 29, is the 10 year no-sex-versary. Yes. An entire decade with no sex. I feel awful to have reached it. Pathetic, despite all the work I have done/am doing to work on my feelings of self worth. I hate that this relationship is still so powerful to suck me into its emotional black hole with just a look at a calendar.
Do you track milestones, good or bad, with your refuser?
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Post by Handy on Aug 29, 2019 22:08:46 GMT -5
I don't track any dates except my W's BD, Mother's Day and a wedding anniversary once in a while. My W moved out of the bedroom a couple of times for 5+ years, that is all I care to remember. The first time she moved to the spare bedroom, sex happened 1X occasionally 2X a month. The second time she moved to the spare bedroom I quit keeping track and that I guess was 5+ years ago. The last couple of times we had sex, I felt worse after the event than before, so I quit trying and quit counting. It is also when I quit listening to her. Yes, some husbands do not listen and mostly quit caring unless something is an emergency and someone might get hurt.
I spend most of my time at home out of her range.
Sorry that you are at a major anniversary of no sex and most likely no affection.
The best that I can offer are cyber hugs. (((((Workingonit)))))
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Post by sadkat on Aug 29, 2019 22:14:52 GMT -5
workingonit- I’m sorry you’re feeling bad today. I didn’t track the milestones- I just never thought to. All I know is that it weighed heavily on my mind every single day. The years just blended into one another until they all just became a big painful blur. Hang in there- you’ve got an exit plan and you’re moving toward it. I know you had to take a slight detour but there is light at the end of the tunnel and you’ll make it. Sending you virtual hugs!
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Post by flashjohn on Aug 30, 2019 13:03:42 GMT -5
I am so sorry. The 5 year mark was really hard on me. Then when I hit my 51st birthday after that, it was worse.
Have you outsourced yet?
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Post by deadzone75 on Aug 30, 2019 14:57:13 GMT -5
I know there are other threads like this but I am too tired to find them. Today is a terrible milestone for me. Today, Aug 29, is the 10 year no-sex-versary. Yes. An entire decade with no sex. I feel awful to have reached it. Pathetic, despite all the work I have done/am doing to work on my feelings of self worth. I hate that this relationship is still so powerful to suck me into its emotional black hole with just a look at a calendar. Do you track milestones, good or bad, with your refuser? I'm sorry you have reached this very unpleasant milestone. The good news is that it's August 30th, and maybe this will mark the year things change for you for the better. Don't let it unravel your work toward the end game, OR, most importantly, your feelings of self-worth. What's truly pathetic is how you have been treated, and you are worth so much more. I can only imagine how hard it has been going a decade without intimacy, but I hope you continue to believe in yourself and your plan to end the cruelty that has long been imposed on you. Thinking about you, my friend!
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Post by workingonit on Aug 30, 2019 16:37:39 GMT -5
I am so sorry. The 5 year mark was really hard on me. Then when I hit my 51st birthday after that, it was worse. Have you outsourced yet? No. It is hitting me pretty hard.
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Post by workingonit on Aug 30, 2019 16:37:58 GMT -5
I know there are other threads like this but I am too tired to find them. Today is a terrible milestone for me. Today, Aug 29, is the 10 year no-sex-versary. Yes. An entire decade with no sex. I feel awful to have reached it. Pathetic, despite all the work I have done/am doing to work on my feelings of self worth. I hate that this relationship is still so powerful to suck me into its emotional black hole with just a look at a calendar. Do you track milestones, good or bad, with your refuser? I'm sorry you have reached this very unpleasant milestone. The good news is that it's August 30th, and maybe this will mark the year things change for you for the better. Don't let it unravel your work toward the end game, OR, most importantly, your feelings of self-worth. What's truly pathetic is how you have been treated, and you are worth so much more. I can only imagine how hard it has been going a decade without intimacy, but I hope you continue to believe in yourself and your plan to end the cruelty that has long been imposed on you. Thinking about you, my friend! 😘
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Post by flashjohn on Aug 30, 2019 16:41:53 GMT -5
I am so sorry. The 5 year mark was really hard on me. Then when I hit my 51st birthday after that, it was worse. Have you outsourced yet? No. It is hitting me pretty hard. I am so sorry. I hope you can eventually make the big change. It is a tough process but it was worth it to me.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2019 16:56:54 GMT -5
I sometimes go through the exercise of replacing the word sex with other word(s) normally associated with a healthy marriage, this is to illustrate to no one in particular other than myself that I'm not crazy.
Would it be acceptable to my W if was able to work but simply stopped working for 10 years. NO. Would it be acceptable to my W if I didn't do my share of keeping up the home or parenting for 10 years. NO. Would it be acceptable to my W if I stopped speaking to her for 10 years. NO.
You get my point. Our hearts are with you workingonit.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 30, 2019 17:10:33 GMT -5
workingonit, all of this sucks. Your situation sucks. Change sucks. One thing that does not suck is your future. You have a lot of realistic things to look forward to. I don't have any stats, but is seems pretty common that we do find compatible people once we are out, and we do find our happiness. I have been a bit more experimental, and I have made some huge relationship blunders in the process, but I am much happier out than in. My girlfriend is still on a four year plan. Your plan is much shorter. If you found someone today that you connected with, there is no reason not to start vetting him for a future relationship, and little reason not to start one. All that is up to you. You have so much going for you. There are changes in store, but I really do believe you will be happy.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 30, 2019 19:44:04 GMT -5
As a wise teacher once said " The best position to be in , is to be able to walk away, and mean it."
Hopefully this 'position' is coming for you, as you continue with more and more tipping points? Yes, no?
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Post by lessingham on Aug 31, 2019 3:30:18 GMT -5
I used to do endless calculations, the total number of sex acts in an average marriage times years versus our sex life. I resented the "owed" sex acts. I would tick the sexless days on the calendar and so on. But in the end it becomes pointless. I an never going to get the past back and whether it has been a week, a month or a year she never builds up a head of sexual pressure as I do. In the end we all return to the implacable advice of Baza, poop or get off the pot.
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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 1, 2019 14:43:49 GMT -5
I know there are other threads like this but I am too tired to find them. Today is a terrible milestone for me. Today, Aug 29, is the 10 year no-sex-versary. Yes. An entire decade with no sex. I feel awful to have reached it. Pathetic, despite all the work I have done/am doing to work on my feelings of self worth. I hate that this relationship is still so powerful to suck me into its emotional black hole with just a look at a calendar. Do you track milestones, good or bad, with your refuser? Might help to unpack that a bit? What specifically is the power? Is it the relationship, or is it associated benefits of the relationship? Are there ways to retain some of those without the pretense that you are in an invested romantic relationship? To answer your question, when I was being gaslighted by my partner about our frequency and circumstances, I tracked on a birth control calendar app all of our sexual activity. I did this because I'm an Empiricist at heart and I felt like I was acquiescing to lies and dismissals too much. When I looked back at when the trouble started, and compared with other parents of young kids, I realized that the trouble started almost the day we got married. And then I looked at her wedding speech, knowing that, and realized what was written there - that she had never planned to get married and really - was talking around the fact that she actually didn't WANT to get married. And then I came to realize that with our 13th wedding anniversary coming, that we never really had achieved or sustained a romantic emotional investment within the context of that marriage. I wasn't going to "restore" anything - and certainly not on my own. This, in fact, is what we were, and the trouble we were having was that neither of us wanted that. Things got simpler for me after that anniversary milestone.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2019 17:22:49 GMT -5
I used to do endless calculations, the total number of sex acts in an average marriage times years versus our sex life. I resented the "owed" sex acts. I would tick the sexless days on the calendar and so on. But in the end it becomes pointless. I an never going to get the past back and whether it has been a week, a month or a year she never builds up a head of sexual pressure as I do. In the end we all return to the implacable advice of Baza, poop or get off the pot. This is known in my head as "the math stage". I was in this stage in my mid-30's.
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Post by elkclan2 on Sept 4, 2019 3:13:20 GMT -5
I used to do endless calculations, the total number of sex acts in an average marriage times years versus our sex life. I resented the "owed" sex acts. I would tick the sexless days on the calendar and so on. But in the end it becomes pointless. I an never going to get the past back and whether it has been a week, a month or a year she never builds up a head of sexual pressure as I do. In the end we all return to the implacable advice of Baza, poop or get off the pot. This is known in my head as "the math stage". I was in this stage in my mid-30's. The math stage!!! I realised at one point that I'd had more sex with my college boyfriend of a year and a half than I'd had with my husband of a decade and a half. I outsourced after that. And then we separated. And then I found someone I really am compatible with and we have plenty of sex.
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