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Post by nyctos on Aug 21, 2019 19:13:09 GMT -5
I'm wondering how those of you who make it out of SM manage to regain enough self-esteem and confidence to date again.
Personally, I'm not sure I could. Sometimes I feel irreparably crippled. But I think being celibate outside a SM might be better than forced celibacy within it.
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Post by baza on Aug 21, 2019 19:41:55 GMT -5
Take this with a grain of salt Brother nyctos , as I have been out since 2009. There'd probably be more value in the opinions of those who have escaped more recently, like thebaffledking , shamwow , endthegame as a few examples .... anyway - I think that when you get out of your ILIASM shithole and away from the daily doses of toxicity that involves, your recovery greatly accelerates. But I also think that getting out is one stand alone issue, and dating as a single person is an entirely different issue and the two things are not related. If you are going to get out of your ILIASM deal, it has to be because you see being single as preferable to being in an ILIASM deal. That, is the first stand alone issue. If you do that, and get out, there's no guarantee that there will be a future relationship (although the balance of evidence in this group strongly suggests it's pretty likely that there will be - see greatcoastal , filtermachine , flashjohn as examples) However, if you are out, you ARE available, and if you are out and sorting you own shit out you are in with a shot in regard to this particular stand alone issue. OTOH, if you remain in your ILIASM deal, then you haven't got a shot at all.
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Post by warmways on Aug 21, 2019 19:51:01 GMT -5
That is such a good question…I’m one year out. Friends say I seem happier. For me it’s been ups and downs. I was suffering for too long in the marriage before I finally left. It was total emotional abuse. I was left alone in all respects. 18 years of hanging on and with every year passing, feeling more stuck. I still isolate and retreat but am in therapy which helps a lot.
I went on one date and he was the same sort of personality as my ex and it was a disaster but my therapist said I wasn’t ready, that it usually it takes two years to really feel better. . She’s had experience helping many clients get out of marriages. I’ve noticed that just lately I’m starting to think about dating. It’s like I’m coming out of hibernation.
I’m still glad I left. Some days the confidence comes back and then sometimes I just want to hide out. I’m hoping if I keep taking risks, putting myself out there,’ feel the fear and do it anyway’ that I’ll keep growing where once I was frozen. I totally relate to your words: “irreparably crippled.” I do worry about that that on bad days, but also have that ‘hope springs eternal’ feeling that I’m going to transcend this awkwardness and I also really believe in people’s ability to get past stuff with time friends and in my case therapy.
To your last sentence…Absolutely, being celibate is a thousand times better outside a SM then feeling trapped into forced celibacy. That is for sure.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 21, 2019 23:52:22 GMT -5
I have been divorced for just over 3 yrs. It's better in many ways and not nearly as good in some others. I was fortunate that my SM was short term compared to most of the members here, only lasting 3 yrs. or so. So in reality my self esteem didn't take much of a hit. I knew I wanted to get back in the dating game right away. Actually I jumped in way too soon resulting in me being prone to falling head over heels for any woman that paid attention to me. It took some time to shed that flaw in myself but when I did I found myself comfortable once again when the dating turned into something intimate. You probably can count on being bucked off the dating horse a couple of times, but eventually you will stay on for the full duration and if you have any luck at all, the dating horse will stop bucking before long and your ride will turn into something far more enjoyable.
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Post by isthisit on Aug 22, 2019 7:04:12 GMT -5
I am 7 months out and am busy working thorough my thoughts and feelings to ‘sort my shit’. It’s hard going, especially as I have been working hard to support H with kindness and understanding. I have much more shit to sort through before I feel that I have reclaimed myself from both the wreck that was my M and also the consequences of the separation. I have chosen to prioritise time for myself to enjoy activities for my own benefit, typically yoga, some voluntary work, walking and sailing. This gets me out and about meeting people and re connecting with the world as a singleton. I have also chosen some ‘pampering’ such as facials (the beauty salon ones 🤨), manicures and hairdos etc. I might have engaged in a bit of shopping too. These forms of investment in me are pretty atypical but it feels good to spoil myself to mitigate against the emotional assault of coming to terms with throwing in the towel on my M and what comes next.
I feel that I am nowhere close to thinking about dating, as when I embark upon that I would like to be settled and confident in my own skin to represent the best me I can be. I am not looking for a lifeboat.
However, many people (mostly who neither know or care about my marital circumstances) have commented that they have noticed that I seem brighter and less burdened than before. My brother commented to my mum that he has never seen me laugh so much since I was a teenager. This made me realise that I am making forward progress, although bad days are still in abundance. Two forward one back will do just fine.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 22, 2019 7:13:01 GMT -5
I stopped reading at facials 🤣 I am 7 months out and am busy working thorough my thoughts and feelings to ‘sort my shit’. It’s hard going, especially as I have been working hard to support H with kindness and understanding. I have much more shit to sort through before I feel that I have reclaimed myself from both the wreck that was my M and also the consequences of the separation. I have chosen to prioritise time for myself to enjoy activities for my own benefit, typically yoga, some voluntary work, walking and sailing. This gets me out and about meeting people and re connecting with the world as a singleton. I have also chosen some ‘pampering’ such as facials (the beauty salon ones 🤨), manicures and hairdos etc. I might have engaged in a bit of shopping too. These forms of investment in me are pretty atypical but it feels good to spoil myself to mitigate against the emotional assault of coming to terms with throwing in the towel on my M and what comes next. I feel that I am nowhere close to thinking about dating, as when I embark upon that I would like to be settled and confident in my own skin to represent the best me I can be. I am not looking for a lifeboat. However, many people (mostly who neither know or care about my marital circumstances) have commented that they have noticed that I seem brighter and less burdened than before. My brother commented to my mum that he has never seen me laugh so much since I was a teenager. This made me realise that I am making forward progress, although bad days are still in abundance. Two forward one back will do just fine.
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Post by isthisit on Aug 22, 2019 9:09:12 GMT -5
I stopped reading at facials 🤣 I am 7 months out and am busy working thorough my thoughts and feelings to ‘sort my shit’. It’s hard going, especially as I have been working hard to support H with kindness and understanding. I have much more shit to sort through before I feel that I have reclaimed myself from both the wreck that was my M and also the consequences of the separation. I have chosen to prioritise time for myself to enjoy activities for my own benefit, typically yoga, some voluntary work, walking and sailing. This gets me out and about meeting people and re connecting with the world as a singleton. I have also chosen some ‘pampering’ such as facials (the beauty salon ones 🤨), manicures and hairdos etc. I might have engaged in a bit of shopping too. These forms of investment in me are pretty atypical but it feels good to spoil myself to mitigate against the emotional assault of coming to terms with throwing in the towel on my M and what comes next. I feel that I am nowhere close to thinking about dating, as when I embark upon that I would like to be settled and confident in my own skin to represent the best me I can be. I am not looking for a lifeboat. However, many people (mostly who neither know or care about my marital circumstances) have commented that they have noticed that I seem brighter and less burdened than before. My brother commented to my mum that he has never seen me laugh so much since I was a teenager. This made me realise that I am making forward progress, although bad days are still in abundance. Two forward one back will do just fine. 😉
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Post by Apocrypha on Aug 22, 2019 10:08:24 GMT -5
1. Find a fitness program that you enjoy enough, and get more in touch with your body to the point that you feel some pride in your own skin. 2. Subscribe to some fashion mags or dressing guides and Marie Kwon your closets, replacing what's there with new clothes that make you look good. b) consider your grooming/hair - maybe change up to a more expensive stylist and see what perspective they bring. Men, time to shave your head? 3. Get a Pinterest account and start acquiring posts of clothes and things that interest you. See if you can detect a pattern that's kind of your "style" 4. Sign up for activities that look interesting but that you'd never do, and then learn how to do them. Solo camping? pop choir singing? nude beach? Movie festival? Movie extra? Distilling or brewing? Do things that you think might make interesting stories later on. Bonus points if some of those things are common to the sex that you want to meet. 5. Learn some new tricks in the sack - maybe check out some light BDSM material that you can use as a spice in your cupboard when needed. Whatever it is, it's helpful to consider sex from a different perspective, whether or not that's "for you". 6. Put energy into hanging out with friends on a regular basis. If they aren't inviting you, then you invite them. If you are reluctant - then think about why that is, and consider what you'd need to do to make changes.
Being a fit person who is really "put together", with his/her unique style, with interesting activities and anecdotes - that's all great stuff on its own. It also presents a better case for a date.
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Post by nyctos on Aug 22, 2019 10:41:00 GMT -5
1. Find a fitness program that you enjoy enough, and get more in touch with your body to the point that you feel some pride in your own skin. 2. Subscribe to some fashion mags or dressing guides and Marie Kwon your closets, replacing what's there with new clothes that make you look good. b) consider your grooming/hair - maybe change up to a more expensive stylist and see what perspective they bring. Men, time to shave your head? 3. Get a Pinterest account and start acquiring posts of clothes and things that interest you. See if you can detect a pattern that's kind of your "style" 4. Sign up for activities that look interesting but that you'd never do, and then learn how to do them. Solo camping? pop choir singing? nude beach? Movie festival? Movie extra? Distilling or brewing? Do things that you think might make interesting stories later on. Bonus points if some of those things are common to the sex that you want to meet. 5. Learn some new tricks in the sack - maybe check out some light BDSM material that you can use as a spice in your cupboard when needed. Whatever it is, it's helpful to consider sex from a different perspective, whether or not that's "for you". 6. Put energy into hanging out with friends on a regular basis. If they aren't inviting you, then you invite them. If you are reluctant - then think about why that is, and consider what you'd need to do to make changes. Being a fit person who is really "put together", with his/her unique style, with interesting activities and anecdotes - that's all great stuff on its own. It also presents a better case for a date. Wow, that sounds like really good advice. Except maybe the shaving head part.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 22, 2019 10:49:10 GMT -5
Solid advice this for those that leave and those that stay. When you improve yourself, your options change, the way people repond to you changes. For #5, I suggest giving Sex God Method by Daniel Rose a glance. 😉 1. Find a fitness program that you enjoy enough, and get more in touch with your body to the point that you feel some pride in your own skin. 2. Subscribe to some fashion mags or dressing guides and Marie Kwon your closets, replacing what's there with new clothes that make you look good. b) consider your grooming/hair - maybe change up to a more expensive stylist and see what perspective they bring. Men, time to shave your head? 3. Get a Pinterest account and start acquiring posts of clothes and things that interest you. See if you can detect a pattern that's kind of your "style" 4. Sign up for activities that look interesting but that you'd never do, and then learn how to do them. Solo camping? pop choir singing? nude beach? Movie festival? Movie extra? Distilling or brewing? Do things that you think might make interesting stories later on. Bonus points if some of those things are common to the sex that you want to meet. 5. Learn some new tricks in the sack - maybe check out some light BDSM material that you can use as a spice in your cupboard when needed. Whatever it is, it's helpful to consider sex from a different perspective, whether or not that's "for you". 6. Put energy into hanging out with friends on a regular basis. If they aren't inviting you, then you invite them. If you are reluctant - then think about why that is, and consider what you'd need to do to make changes. Being a fit person who is really "put together", with his/her unique style, with interesting activities and anecdotes - that's all great stuff on its own. It also presents a better case for a date.
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Aug 22, 2019 14:06:18 GMT -5
I'm out. Pulled the plug October 2018. 25 years.
I left for me. ME ONLY. me me me. I won't rehash the story, it's already on here a thousand times and more, and the same as many others.
I found that doing things I like, with new people and NORMAL people (that I like) helps. The FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) does clear. It takes a little time. I now work on being the best version of me I can be, and that in turn attracts people like me, with similar interests, to me.
Just be you, a healthy, honest, friendly you.
Be kind to yourself.
It's a new beginning, so begin. Strive to be happy
Happy people attract good happy NOT PERSONALITY DISORDERED people to them.
Love will find you, it always finds good people, that is loves way.
Have good boundaries, trust your crazy radar. Feel free to say no.
And watch Been Brown power of vulnerability on TED, and her shame talk too.
Believe me, love is out there for you.
Good luck
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Post by flashjohn on Aug 26, 2019 13:26:24 GMT -5
I'm wondering how those of you who make it out of SM manage to regain enough self-esteem and confidence to date again. Personally, I'm not sure I could. Sometimes I feel irreparably crippled. But I think being celibate outside a SM might be better than forced celibacy within it. Well, first of all, stop listening to the bullshit that your refuser told you. You are way more attractive than you believe. Then just start talking and flirting with members of the opposite sex. You will probably find that you are really having a lot of fun.
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