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Post by dallasgia on Aug 16, 2019 13:25:08 GMT -5
Anybody else just buying time until the youngest leaves the nest? Am I the only one that walks through different scenarios of leaving? I mull them over and over - thinking about all possible outcomes. Almost like a rehearsal for when the time comes. I’m curious to hear others scenarios. And, does anybody have a leaving dairy or “to do” “don’t do” plan?
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Post by michael on Aug 16, 2019 14:17:32 GMT -5
I think about how I’d join a dating site and I would casually date for awhile until I found someone who wants to be with me. I have three young kids. I don’t think about waiting for them to grow up before I leave. I think how can I build the nerve to,go through with it. At the end of the day though I want things to work. I really just wish I had a girlfriend on the side. That’s hard to find. No one wants to be the second woman. And I don’t want to be with anyone who is going behind their husbands back. Also, if I had a girlfriend I don’t want that to be encouragement for my wife to have a boyfriend. I know, an impossible situation. I just want to get laid once in awhile.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 16, 2019 14:41:36 GMT -5
I had a "four year plan." Once the last graduated, I was done. I could not endure that, knowing my predicament, in forced celibacy, and my refuser could not accept an open marriage, so she divorced.
I did not have any script, but I sure had my talking points in order by that point. My STBX had no retort. The judge does not allow himself to even hear any of it. It did feel good to see the confused look on her face as she realized she had lost control of me, though.
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Post by mackowitz on Aug 16, 2019 17:53:25 GMT -5
Anybody else just buying time until the youngest leaves the nest? Am I the only one that walks through different scenarios of leaving? I mull them over and over - thinking about all possible outcomes. Almost like a rehearsal for when the time comes. I’m curious to hear others scenarios. And, does anybody have a leaving dairy or “to do” “don’t do” plan? Buying time here. School starts next week. Oldest is a sophomore in local community college (so living at home), middle is junior in high school and youngest will be a freshman. So I should have four more years at home. I enjoy spending time with my kids each day and being around when they are around. I have no leaving diary or to-do list, mostly because i'm not a big planner. I have been thinking about buying a second house or condo as a rental/investment property, and then I can move in to that when the kids are grown.
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Post by baza on Aug 16, 2019 17:54:28 GMT -5
Back in October 2018 you wrote about your legal advice Sister dallasgia , and it appeared that you were/are pretty well prepped for a split, whatever circumstances might emerge to trigger it. All I'd suggest - given your state of preparedness - is just a general philosophy as your deal plays out. And that is, don't say anything that you are not prepared to do. Meantime, you visualising "different scenarios of leaving" seems to be a healthy exercise to me.
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Post by dallasgia on Aug 16, 2019 19:15:53 GMT -5
Dearest Baza: “All I'd suggest - given your state of preparedness - is just a general philosophy as your deal plays out. And that is, don't say anything that you are not prepared to do.”
Sage advice to be certain and that’s just it …keeping emotions out of this and playing the script the rational self has worked out. That is most difficult most days. And, one must balance the rationality of the plan with emotional toll this takes on a person. Years into this shit hole situation changes a person. What if one doesn’t even recognize oneself on the back side of this?
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Post by baza on Aug 16, 2019 19:35:21 GMT -5
Dunno if this helps at all, but there are lots of people who leave their ILIASM shitholes and come out the other end as their authentic self. And their authentic selves present a pretty good picture. A handful of names for you. @elle . choosinghappy . northstarmom . ballofconfusion . nyartgal . I struggle to recall even one member who got out of their ILIASM deal and morphed into a "worse" person. I think that when you release the authentic dallasgia you'll quite like who you then see in the mirror.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 17, 2019 6:38:37 GMT -5
I didn't script my exit. Fortunately for me events played out really quickly once I decided I was done. I had done my homework, seen attorneys and had begun distancing myself from her. Once I started distancing myself she knew it was over. No more hugs, kisses or attempts to cuddle. Definitely no more attempts at initiating. Once the real end game was in play for me she took the initiative to leave. We were able to part on friendly terms and remain friends. We both are in a better place now.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 18, 2019 8:10:06 GMT -5
I didn't script exactly what I would say . I had an exit plan my final thing was to rent an apartment then move some of my stuff in so when I told him I didn't have days of moving drama. Unfortunately it went nothing like that. I worked my exit plan but kept putting off the apt and telling them for various reasons. And pretty soon I was having another anniversary which I swore I wouldn't. So I decided this spring (2017) is it. Unfortunately Dec 2016 we were having lunch waiting for my car to be serviced. I had been detaching like crazy almost to the point of being hostile. He said I just want you to be happy. I'm pretty sure my head spun on my shoulders . I said really I haven't been happy in many years and you have done nothing to change it and it's past the point of no return. He said are you leaving me,? I couldn't lie knowing I was so I said yes I'm getting an apt in April moving in June and then my life became a living nightmare until I moved out in June. Things were tense with him for the first 18 months but I didn't HAVE to deal with much. He is finally 2 years later getting easier to deal with unfortunately our daughter's wedding is in Oct and grandsons birthday in Nov. So we shall see.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 18, 2019 18:50:08 GMT -5
Anybody else just buying time until the youngest leaves the nest? Am I the only one that walks through different scenarios of leaving? I mull them over and over - thinking about all possible outcomes. Almost like a rehearsal for when the time comes. I’m curious to hear others scenarios. And, does anybody have a leaving dairy or “to do” “don’t do” plan? I remember going through a lot of "planning" prior to pulling the trigger. It's all well noted in my earliest threads here on ILIASM. Planning... like hearing about Collaborative law, Mediations, Conflicts of Interests, numerous attorneys, unknown-hidden bank accounts, hurricanes, court delays, false allegations, parental alienation, ....the list goes on! I even remember staying, because I would miss seeing my dog ( man's best friend!!) everyday! Staying for the best interest of everyone else, but not for me? My point? Even the best laid out plans can go awry. You will learn to be flexible, and less and less codependent as life continues to give you trials. In the end, much of 'what was predicted', came true. My attorney helped give me a pretty good plan of what to do, and not do. What to expect and not to expect. "You will never make it to the end of the story if you keep reading the same chapter over and over again".
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Post by workingonit on Aug 18, 2019 20:01:58 GMT -5
My leaving has been dis ussed. I do fantasize about my future. All. The. Time.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 18, 2019 21:11:22 GMT -5
My leaving has been dis ussed. I do fantasize about my future. All. The. Time. "dis ussed"? Sorry, no comprende'? Can you use a different adjective? As far as fantasizing about my future....personally I was planning on having no one, and burying myself in my career. Thus giving myself time to 'heal'. Recently, parental alienation has reared it's ugly head into the mix. I am guessing that my ex continues to have no one, and guilts/manipulates/brainwashes/bribes my daughters to stay with her. leaving me to feel guilty because I now have a relationship with a terrific woman,and am happy? A woman who wanted to incorporate herself with my daughters as well as me. I am speculating that my daughters feel it's easier to 'leave' dad because "he just wants to be with 'that woman'. Sadly they can't comprehend that I wanted to continue raising them, just like I had been doing since they were born. This was not part of the script, but a harsh reality.
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Post by workingonit on Aug 19, 2019 10:05:14 GMT -5
My leaving has been dis ussed. I do fantasize about my future. All. The. Time. "dis ussed"? Sorry, no comprende'? Can you use a different adjective? As far as fantasizing about my future....personally I was planning on having no one, and burying myself in my career. Thus giving myself time to 'heal'. Recently, parental alienation has reared it's ugly head into the mix. I am guessing that my ex continues to have no one, and guilts/manipulates/brainwashes/bribes my daughters to stay with her. leaving me to feel guilty because I now have a relationship with a terrific woman,and am happy? A woman who wanted to incorporate herself with my daughters as well as me. I am speculating that my daughters feel it's easier to 'leave' dad because "he just wants to be with 'that woman'. Sadly they can't comprehend that I wanted to continue raising them, just like I had been doing since they were born. This was not part of the script, but a harsh reality. [br "Discussed" Missed the "c" on my phone. Just responding that though the talk is over the planning for the next steps and longer term steps is an ongoing endeavor in a section of my brain. And I take your point- life can be very unpredictable. Divorce and ongoing parenting with my then ex-husband can get messy. Likely not much will go as I am planning/fantasizing about in my head. Still, the fantasy is important - as long as I am not dead I will have dreams of bettering myself
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Post by Apocrypha on Aug 20, 2019 11:13:04 GMT -5
Yes, to avoid the risk of an arms race, we treated the split like a communications plan for a corporate change management program. Same process.
We decided our timeline for announcements. We coordinated our announcements, audiences, and channels. We scripted our meeting with our kids and did it together. That meeting was timed very closely to her moving out (a tangible change in their lives), so that we did not have to rip the bandaid off twice with them.
We started with adult immediate family, then a week later, friends and neighbours, and we informed each other. After talking with our children, we also informed their best friends parents' in case there were ripple effects and their friends were upset.
The script with the kids had us both talking. It was a statement that quickly got to the point in general terms about what was obvious in the house to all (about things not working, and what that looked like) and that it meant we would separate. We discussed what that would like like in practical terms and timelines. We then pointed out what things would change, and what might be hard about that. Here, we assured them that they had no responsibility for any of this. And then we pointed out what things would stay the same. Our kids were fairly young, so we addressed here that married love is different from Mommy Daddy love for their kids, and that while one can change, the other does not. And, that mommy would still be mommy and daddy would still be daddy. Then we let them talk and answered questions as we could.
The overall guiding intention behind this is to have the best possible separation, reducing the harmful effects. We are going to be in each other's lives a long time due to our children, and so we want to have the best possible relationship, given the circumstances. We anticipated the kids would be most impacted and that farther relations would likely want cues on how to treat the situation, socially.
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Post by southerngirl on Aug 21, 2019 10:14:43 GMT -5
Anybody else just buying time until the youngest leaves the nest? Am I the only one that walks through different scenarios of leaving? Every. Damn. Day.
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