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Post by ironhamster on Sept 7, 2019 10:37:07 GMT -5
There is definitely a point of no return, angeleyes65. It would be nice if we all understood that, as well as when it happens. I think my ex was at that point at the altar, but was never honest about that with me, and perhaps herself, also. Oddly, she was more honest with other people than she was with me, and, nobody ever said anything. One of my relatives recalled asking her why we didn't have kids yet, and she told her point blank that I wasn't responsible enough to have children, yet. At the time, I was steadily employed, paying for her masters, and providing for all her needs. So, I wasn't good enough for breeding then. What changed? Simple. When she graduated, I expected us to be a dual income family. She, the self proclaimed adult in the relationship, did not want to work, and having a single child was her way out. If only friends and family were honest with me, and, of course, if I had listened if they were, I could have headed off a lot of misery.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Sept 7, 2019 10:51:07 GMT -5
@ ironhamster it's sad that your friends weren't honest with you. I feel there is a lot of bait and switch in sexless marriages. They did what they needed to get married. Sucks for the people locked in a relationship with them.
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Post by lessingham on Sept 7, 2019 12:02:03 GMT -5
Lessingham: What is your wife’s medical problem? She had a massive gall bladder infection and by the time they operated it had stuck to her liver so they could only remove half of the bladder. The remaining bit is damaging her liver but is a tricky operation to remove it. Hence the consultant operating. If he damages the liver she has to change hospitals fir remedial surgery.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 7, 2019 12:36:13 GMT -5
Apocrypha I never could get the attraction back. It wasn't about looks it was all inside. I found the more disenchanted I got with my marriage the more I found things wrong with him. Everything he did got on my nerves from the way he breathed to how he kept his hair. I did one last try to rekindle 3 years in and it was horrible. I literally had tears escaping. That's when I knew it was over regardless if we still lived together. Stayed many years after that nothing returned. When my dad died and he came home from work and hugged me I recoiled inside and escaped the embrace as fast as possible. I think attraction is as much mental as physical. In my relationship now we are so attracted to each other even though neither of us are sex gods physically. Literally my bf was mowing the yard in baggy shorts and a Gilligan hat. When I seen him I said that is was sexy Gilligan get up you have on. I laughed but still was thinking what a cute dork lol. I'm sure if I was looking at my ex dressed like that I would have been thinking what the fuck? Is he 80? Lol I guess I'm saying we would have had to fix the emotional issues to regain the attraction. I know some people ( very few) have fixed their marriages. But I think at some point you cross the line into point of no return. I completely agree with this. My wife is still physically attractive. But what made her totally unattractive to me was the way she treated me in this SM. I did reach the point of no return after so very long and now I can't even have a physical reaction to seeing her, even naked. That is the big clarity eye-opener.
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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 8, 2019 12:03:54 GMT -5
Apocrypha I never could get the attraction back. It wasn't about looks it was all inside. I found the more disenchanted I got with my marriage the more I found things wrong with him. Everything he did got on my nerves from the way he breathed to how he kept his hair. I did one last try to rekindle 3 years in and it was horrible. I literally had tears escaping. That's when I knew it was over regardless if we still lived together. Stayed many years after that nothing returned. When my dad died and he came home from work and hugged me I recoiled inside and escaped the embrace as fast as possible. I think attraction is as much mental as physical. In my relationship now we are so attracted to each other even though neither of us are sex gods physically. Literally my bf was mowing the yard in baggy shorts and a Gilligan hat. When I seen him I said that is was sexy Gilligan get up you have on. I laughed but still was thinking what a cute dork lol. I'm sure if I was looking at my ex dressed like that I would have been thinking what the fuck? Is he 80? Lol I guess I'm saying we would have had to fix the emotional issues to regain the attraction. I know some people ( very few) have fixed their marriages. But I think at some point you cross the line into point of no return. You know, that's a good insight. Early in my relationship with the person who I eventually married, during university and when I was just starting out in my career, we were in a kind of limbo where I wasn't "sure" what to do with her or how I felt. I know that hurt her for long time, because she seemed more into me. We eventually fell in together and eventually, at her request, moved in together - and I was going to lose her, otherwise. I wasn't ready for marriage and felt boxed in, wasn't sure of things, and in this case, I became more the celibate one. When I was in it - looking at her - I read my sense of desire as being externalized to things I didn't care for about her. Eventually though. I came to a kind of "epiphany" with her, and an acceptance - a dramatic acceptance - of how lucky I was, and felt eager. I really leaned in, set up a plan, asked her to marry me, and saw her as the hottest thing until even after we separated some 13 years later. Now though, maybe 3/4 years after that, we don't touch, and when we do, I flinch. I see her as a "normal person" - the way everyone else does. I should note: I'm totally into what a person looks like in my relationships. I mean by that, I like physically attractive women who are well put together and that have something interesting about them (not bland Barbi, which doesn't really hit my radar much) - some mix of cute/goth/adorable/edgy/soccermom/elegance - whatever it is... someone you notice in a room. So I'm not all - I'm attracted because she has a nice personality (though I must enjoy her company). So... I find it interesting that I flinch if we accidentally touch. I have no longer a sense of attraction or desire for her, though she is physically an attractive woman.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 8, 2019 12:24:47 GMT -5
As I sat in the fellowship hall after church today I had a similar epiphany regarding my X. We have been apart now well over 3yrs. I used to make the effort to call her on a semiregular basis and I sometimes did dwell on pumping her full of little swimmers. She is still attractive into her late 60's. But I realized again today how little use she how has for me. She seems constrained even to look at me it seems. And she doesn't initiate conversation with me. No smile, no greeting, and no conversation unless I start it. The attraction I used to feel for her is pretty much gone. So it seems we aren't going to be friends anymore. Just 2 ships passing in the night. That's unfortunate for both of us.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2019 10:22:16 GMT -5
I think we, the horny ones, underestimate the disgust that our partners have. Imagine the same lack of attraction that we are talking about and pile that on top of someone who really, really didn't want to have sex with us in the first place. I'm getting that vibe big time from the W. Sex has been almost off the table for a couple years and completely off the table for 6-months. We don't share bedrooms and I never initiate. Sadly I thought that would help the relationship in addition to helping my self-esteem. Nope, I can feel what you mention angeleyes65, everything I do is starting to get on her nerves. Sounds like the end to me....we'll see.
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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 9, 2019 12:47:08 GMT -5
I think we, the horny ones, underestimate the disgust that our partners have. Imagine the same lack of attraction that we are talking about and pile that on top of someone who really, really didn't want to have sex with us in the first place. I'm getting that vibe big time from the W. Sex has been almost off the table for a couple years and completely off the table for 6-months. We don't share bedrooms and I never initiate. Sadly I thought that would help the relationship in addition to helping my self-esteem. Nope, I can feel what you mention angeleyes65, everything I do is starting to get on her nerves. Sounds like the end to me....we'll see. What's to see? That's not an end coming; it's already ended. How and when and in what manner that ending is applied to the management of your household still remains to be seen, but that part of the relationship is over. I agree with you on the underestimation of disgust or aversion to one's partner. It's hard to accept until it is inevitable. Once one does actually accept that premise, the anticipated trajectory and result becomes fairly obvious.
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Post by workingonit on Sept 18, 2019 21:39:46 GMT -5
Today is my 19th wedding anniversary. It went by without mention. He never remembers and is philosophically opposed to putting stock in things like anniversaries or birthdays, which honestly never bothered me. We did talk for over an hour tonight, which is unusual lately but normal until a few months ago. Nothing about us, just our usual philosophy, music, politics, humor, and books books books. (He is a really interesting person!) But I did not mention the significance of the date. I mean, what do I say? Happy anniversary? Nope. We are divorcing. It is not happy.
*sigh* 19 years....
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Post by frednsa on Sept 19, 2019 7:00:30 GMT -5
It is our wedding anniversary next week and I'm having mixed views. I have booked a meal in a local gastro pub. There will be cards and flowers but no gifts. Chances of sex are about zero. The problem is, it all seems like empty gestures and I am playing a role. I try very hard each year and she just turns up. I know a lot of women brindle at the idea of having to have sex on birthdays, anniversaries and festive dates. But it would be helluva lot better than a kiss and rolling over to sleep. I know what you mean. My ExRefuser hated it if I EVER expected sex. However, my wonderful new wife wants it as much as me. And she doesn't wait for a special day either. Unless one of us is sick or we are apart, we fuck at least twice a day.
Just wanted to let you know that things can be different.
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Post by frednsa on Sept 19, 2019 7:05:17 GMT -5
special occasion sex ? sex would be a "special occasion". "Maybe later" is never spoken, just implied (and often). Later never comes...................... Wifie is delusional, not her fault. Her wiring is such that positive thoughts are dominant and negative thinking (often the route to solutions) seems "blocked" within her. Accuses me of negative thinking; i acknowledge my own factation - recognition of facts and thoughts on remedy. sad......................
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visexual
New Member
Married 47+ years to a good gal. On our 40th anniversary we had intercourse for the last time.
Posts: 6
Age Range: 70+
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Post by visexual on Oct 15, 2019 3:25:49 GMT -5
I'm new here but I had to smile and shake my head when I saw this thread. Now, why? Anniversaries have been more meaningful for me the past 7. It was on our anniversary, the 40th, that we last had intercourse.
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Post by lessingham on Aug 9, 2020 6:34:39 GMT -5
Another year, another anniversary. Got her a card and managed to find a restaurant still open. And that is it. Chances of sex, zero, chances of flowers similar. It is a day, that is all, nothing will change. Yeah, yeah, yeah... I hear you, be the change you want to happen
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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 9, 2020 8:51:40 GMT -5
I just couldn't celebrate being in a marriage I didn't want to be in. The first few years I faked it we went to dinner that was it. After awhile I would suggest nothing and if he asked i would say what are we celebrating? Eventually it became the same time we did Group vacation all his former work friends . I quit going.
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Post by lessingham on Aug 10, 2020 2:53:52 GMT -5
Like Charlie Brown kicking the ball Lucy is holding, I keep hoping and trying.
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