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Post by northstarmom on Aug 12, 2019 21:22:51 GMT -5
Lessingham: “ zing do love her and I do believe in osmosis, if I desire her hard enough, it will seep into her soul.”
Has there ever been someone who was besotted with you but you had no sexual interest in? You can’t love or lust someone into lusting after or loving you. You may be able to get them to marry or live with you but it will be a one sided relationship like what you have.
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Post by lessingham on Aug 14, 2019 3:12:57 GMT -5
If someone desired me I would be on fire.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 14, 2019 6:20:29 GMT -5
If someone desired me I would be on fire. Invest in some fire retardant clothing, along with a portable fire extinguisher Practice your drop and roll technique until you have it down pat. Then get your self into some mixed company settings where the music plays and the whiskey flows. Or seek out activities or destinations where the ratio of females is at least equal to that of males. With a bit of effort and just a little luck you love life could be smoldering sooner than you think. Don't stop thinking about tomorrow.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 14, 2019 6:32:17 GMT -5
I do not recall a single anniversary having any intimacy. Flowers, maybe a piece of jewelry, a card of endearment, and a fine meal at a fancy restaurant, followed by maybe a hug and a kiss. My last anniversary, we came home from dinner and she took immediately to social media. I called my future girlfriend, idgaf96, and talked with her for perhaps an hour. It was the best anniversary ever.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 14, 2019 8:11:09 GMT -5
My advice..quit playing the role. When my ex asked me what I wanted to do for our anniversary I said ignore it. I don't feel married and I sure as hell don't want to celebrate the state of our marriage. He was insulted but that's how it went until I left.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 1, 2019 18:47:35 GMT -5
My advice..quit playing the role. When my ex asked me what I wanted to do for our anniversary I said ignore it. I don't feel married and I sure as hell don't want to celebrate the state of our marriage. He was insulted but that's how it went until I left. I like that. I will use that on our next anniversary.
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jgb
Junior Member
Posts: 32
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Post by jgb on Sept 1, 2019 19:40:59 GMT -5
tomorrow is my 31st wedding anniversary. I think it has been 14, maybe 15 years since we last had sex . We are leaving for Italy next Friday and I was toying with the idea of suggesting it while we are there. I don't expect her to agree, but I am interested in seeing her reaction. My money is on "horrified".
A few months ago, my psychiatrist took me off of a medication that I had been taking for nearly 8 years. One that made any kind of sexual response on my part impossible. Now that (I think) I maybe could, I don't know if I am better or worse off. "well, I can't anyway" was a pretty effective way of changing the subject in my own head.
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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 5, 2019 10:13:45 GMT -5
The card was bought. The flowers given and the meal booked. The biggest lie in the Refusers quiver has been said, "maybe later!" Oh well, a good pub nosh is on the cards. I do love her and I do believe in osmosis, if I desire her hard enough, it will seep into her soul. Gradual seoeration is hard, but maybe one step forwards. Nope. In the singles world and in the married world, and in the celebrity-stalking world, loving someone or desiring them never caused desire to spring from where there is none, and especially from open aversion. You don't have a sexual relationship with this person. You might have an intimate relationship. You might love each other (I love my family too). But your attraction to her does not make her attracted to you. I've never seen this happen. Have you? (think to before you were married). Have you ever lost your attraction for someone and then gotten it back? It might help motivate things along in the courtship phase, when neither of you really know what's on offer. But if you are married, it's likely she's well informed already and this is where it has landed. I'm not certain how you decide to be attracted to someone. With that said, I found the least horrible way to survive the occasion is, like the others, to disconnect the expectation entirely, and treat this as a celebration of the actual relationship you DO have. Think of it as writing a card to an ex spouse focusing on what's good and also authentic for both of you - and take measures to pre-empt any expectation of sex on either of your parts.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 5, 2019 13:38:10 GMT -5
Apocrypha asked: "Have you ever lost your attraction for someone and gotten it back?" I postulate that its entirely possible to regain attraction. In particular if there is significant change in behavior and appearance. Lets say you can apply a subjective numerical value (between 1 and 10) to your attractiveness. That value is a composite of your looks, sense of fashion, demeanor, personality, charm factor and others. If through self improvement (get in shape, updated wardrobe, new haircut, you improve your charm game and all that) you go from a 5 to a 8, and your SO is still payng attention, its possible attraction can be regained. If they dont care by this point, you are now hotter than you were and its time to hit the dating market. While it may sound vain, its likely that loss of attraction happens because people let themselves go. Sometimes that means physically, but can also be habits (drugs, gambling, alcohol, porn or other addictions) and/or personality (stress, anger, depression). In my circle, Ive seen couples lose attraction due to porn, loss of ambition, depression, alcoholism, getting fat and lazy, anger issues. Shit happens, people change. I will also state that sexual aversion is not entirely dictated by loss of attraction alone. There could be many reasons for sexual aversion. Trauma (rape or assault pre- or post marriage) Asexuality Hormonal/Health The card was bought. The flowers given and the meal booked. The biggest lie in the Refusers quiver has been said, "maybe later!" Oh well, a good pub nosh is on the cards. I do love her and I do believe in osmosis, if I desire her hard enough, it will seep into her soul. Gradual seoeration is hard, but maybe one step forwards. Nope. In the singles world and in the married world, and in the celebrity-stalking world, loving someone or desiring them never caused desire to spring from where there is none, and especially from open aversion. You don't have a sexual relationship with this person. You might have an intimate relationship. You might love each other (I love my family too). But your attraction to her does not make her attracted to you. I've never seen this happen. Have you? (think to before you were married). Have you ever lost your attraction for someone and then gotten it back? It might help motivate things along in the courtship phase, when neither of you really know what's on offer. But if you are married, it's likely she's well informed already and this is where it has landed. I'm not certain how you decide to be attracted to someone. With that said, I found the least horrible way to survive the occasion is, like the others, to disconnect the expectation entirely, and treat this as a celebration of the actual relationship you DO have. Think of it as writing a card to an ex spouse focusing on what's good and also authentic for both of you - and take measures to pre-empt any expectation of sex on either of your parts.
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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 5, 2019 14:34:48 GMT -5
Apocrypha asked: "Have you ever lost your attraction for someone and gotten it back?" I postulate that its entirely possible to regain attraction. In particular if there is significant change in behavior and appearance. But with the same person? Ya, I think you can regain objective attractiveness. But have you ever seen that happen with someone who has lost it, regain it with the same person? How often does that happen, do you think? Clinical rates of aesexuality are very, very low. Anecdotally, it seems the most common thing in the world for celibate marriages, once resolved, to suddenly find that the "aesexual" partner cannonballs back into sexual activity with others. Trauma - sure. Though if it's a big factor, is unlikely to be a surprise or a late development. While I'm sure they exist, I don't see a lot of stories on here pointing them out as a sudden cause of problems. More likely, most people have trauma or at least unpleasant experiences in their lives, and when grasping for reasons to explain a loss, why not point to something that happened to them? At the very least, it will change the direction of conversation toward sympathy instead of what you were talking about. People get diseases. Maybe injuries - loss of limb. We could speculate as to all kinds of reasons why. But chances are if people are scratching their head here, trying to figure it out - something isn't really adding up with all that. Or it's so obvious, why bother coming here to figure it out?
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Post by lessingham on Sept 6, 2019 9:14:42 GMT -5
Card only next year then
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 6, 2019 9:53:03 GMT -5
Assuming there is a next year.....You haven't posted about your W's illness lately. What's the status there?
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Post by lessingham on Sept 6, 2019 17:23:49 GMT -5
The big operation is scheduled for the 23rd September. She is in low grade pain every day. If the op is successful she should be fit and well after recovery. If it goes badly, a mad rush to the liver specialist hospital for super experts.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 6, 2019 21:16:16 GMT -5
Lessingham: What is your wife’s medical problem?
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Post by angeleyes65 on Sept 7, 2019 9:16:50 GMT -5
Apocrypha I never could get the attraction back. It wasn't about looks it was all inside. I found the more disenchanted I got with my marriage the more I found things wrong with him. Everything he did got on my nerves from the way he breathed to how he kept his hair. I did one last try to rekindle 3 years in and it was horrible. I literally had tears escaping. That's when I knew it was over regardless if we still lived together. Stayed many years after that nothing returned. When my dad died and he came home from work and hugged me I recoiled inside and escaped the embrace as fast as possible. I think attraction is as much mental as physical. In my relationship now we are so attracted to each other even though neither of us are sex gods physically. Literally my bf was mowing the yard in baggy shorts and a Gilligan hat. When I seen him I said that is was sexy Gilligan get up you have on. I laughed but still was thinking what a cute dork lol. I'm sure if I was looking at my ex dressed like that I would have been thinking what the fuck? Is he 80? Lol I guess I'm saying we would have had to fix the emotional issues to regain the attraction. I know some people ( very few) have fixed their marriages. But I think at some point you cross the line into point of no return.
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